(no subject)
you know what I've decided...... I complain... about freakin eveything maybe thats why I'm never happy. cuz I sit up here and depress myself...... that's the problem. maybe if I actually tried to be happy. and I actually tried to make the best of how shitty my life situation seems right now I could be. yet instead i do the opposite. I make things worse by being a complete and total bitch, and I complain about everything and I just continue to be more and more depressed. now Im not saying just cuz i wrote this blog that I'm gonna become so much more chipper... cuz that isn't gonna happen... but maybe I can try to look at the bright side of things..... okay so I'm gonna try that now..........................................................................
*trying*
okay i tried... guess what all i see is the grey unhappiness that hangs over my head. and whats even worse?? I'm gonna walk around all bouncy and cheerful with a fucking smile on my face. OH-THE-EXCITMENT! (If you could just see the happy face I'm making....) I'm so overjoyed can't you tell. god I'm a sarcastic bitch! whatever. I think my problem is i don't care anymore.. okay I care, I jsut pretend not know. and for those of you who don't know pretending not to care is the hardest thing ever.... its like feelings your heart break inside your chest (which mind you I have felt before) its like telling the love of your life you hate them, or telling your mom you wish she'd die. its one of those things that so hard that it eats away at your insides and kills you slowly... and I do it all the time. I pretend I'm happy... I'm not. I pretend I don't give a shit about not being able to play a stupid part in band.... I do. I pretend I don't care that my mom thinks im stupid and ungrateful...... i do. I pretend I enjoy my current life... I don't. I even pretended I didn't give a shit about who angel was or is talking to.... but i do. And to be all honest and shit... I do care about it all. it hurts..... I pretend I don't give a shit about my non-existant dad..... I do. I pretend everything is peachy keen...... and that's all fine and dandy except I see no peaches in my life! I see no happiness or joy or sunshine after the storm. maybe I'm just to damn pessimistic right now. and that sucks cuz i'm usually the bubbliest, happiest, most optimistic person I know. Now i'm not writing a suicide letter because I think suicide is a bitch move. and I refuse to go out like that. Im not gonna go ut without a fight. and guess what when you fight a gun you don't win.... so I'm not gonna go the selfish route and like end my life. so don't worry. just because I'm unhappy doesn't mean I want to die. I mean sometimes..... sure some mornings I wake up and think... why bother..... But I dunno..... maybe I'm jsut more upset cuz just now.. or cuz I don't know. but i'm feeling particularly low right now..... where's your pills when you need them?? okay I'm gonna go now. and pretend some more. god my entire life and everything in it is a big fat lie. HOW EXCITING. makes me so happy don't cha know. lol. well I'm gonna go back to school *big smile* i'm so happy. EVERYTHING is fine.
*trying*
okay i tried... guess what all i see is the grey unhappiness that hangs over my head. and whats even worse?? I'm gonna walk around all bouncy and cheerful with a fucking smile on my face. OH-THE-EXCITMENT! (If you could just see the happy face I'm making....) I'm so overjoyed can't you tell. god I'm a sarcastic bitch! whatever. I think my problem is i don't care anymore.. okay I care, I jsut pretend not know. and for those of you who don't know pretending not to care is the hardest thing ever.... its like feelings your heart break inside your chest (which mind you I have felt before) its like telling the love of your life you hate them, or telling your mom you wish she'd die. its one of those things that so hard that it eats away at your insides and kills you slowly... and I do it all the time. I pretend I'm happy... I'm not. I pretend I don't give a shit about not being able to play a stupid part in band.... I do. I pretend I don't care that my mom thinks im stupid and ungrateful...... i do. I pretend I enjoy my current life... I don't. I even pretended I didn't give a shit about who angel was or is talking to.... but i do. And to be all honest and shit... I do care about it all. it hurts..... I pretend I don't give a shit about my non-existant dad..... I do. I pretend everything is peachy keen...... and that's all fine and dandy except I see no peaches in my life! I see no happiness or joy or sunshine after the storm. maybe I'm just to damn pessimistic right now. and that sucks cuz i'm usually the bubbliest, happiest, most optimistic person I know. Now i'm not writing a suicide letter because I think suicide is a bitch move. and I refuse to go out like that. Im not gonna go ut without a fight. and guess what when you fight a gun you don't win.... so I'm not gonna go the selfish route and like end my life. so don't worry. just because I'm unhappy doesn't mean I want to die. I mean sometimes..... sure some mornings I wake up and think... why bother..... But I dunno..... maybe I'm jsut more upset cuz just now.. or cuz I don't know. but i'm feeling particularly low right now..... where's your pills when you need them?? okay I'm gonna go now. and pretend some more. god my entire life and everything in it is a big fat lie. HOW EXCITING. makes me so happy don't cha know. lol. well I'm gonna go back to school *big smile* i'm so happy. EVERYTHING is fine.