This one is a downer sorry folks
Pregnancy causes the most screwed up dreams ever! I had a dream the other night that Rob came back into my life and told me that he never stopped loving me, after that I left a message for his girlfriend with the lyrics to "Jolene" by Dolly Parton because she has amazing red hair that I'm beyond jealous of. I know in reality these dreams are brought on by my subconcious being out of whack and feeling unattractive to people due to all the changes my body is expierincing right now. I swear I need to stay away from Myspace at any cost. I was looking at Billy's sisters page seeing how Devin her kid is doing and I saw a comment from this girl whom I guess Billy is now dating. I honestly don't wish him anything but happiness but at the same time I wish that he could atleast acknowledge the fact that he did wrong and let me know if he wants to be a part of this childs life. I guess the closer I get to becoming a mother the more I'm afraid I'm going to screw things up just like I have with every relationship I've ever had. I can't honestly even say I've had a single Kosher friendship/relationship, all my friendships have been tainted in some way or form, not saying that I haven't been able to work through some of them but in the past I've been more willing to let go of a friendship opposed to an ex boyfriend. I know my family is here to support me in anyway possible but I've never felt more alone in my entire life. I've always claimed that I need to learn to live by myself and do things for myself but it seems so depressing at the moment. To not be able to share my life with someone on a daily basis. Granted in all honesty I've often put sexual gratification ahead of more important relationship issues but now I know there is more to being successful than sex. I guess I've always had such a low self esteem that I've often uses sex as a way of attracting people. I feel so worthless right now and I hate it. I feel like I'm not doing anything to help anyone including myself. But at the same time I'm lacking a vehichle 90% of the time due to mechanical issues, I don't have a job or a source of income, I refuse to apply for government assistance because I know that under normal not knocked up circumstances I'm more than capable of working and I want to work. I don't know how I'm going to handle an infant and working a full time job. I want to go back to school but working full time and having a baby is going to make that even more difficult. I'm not trying to make excuses or asking anyone to feel sorry for me because I'm the one who got myself into this situation and I'm the only person who can get myself out of this situation. I guess I'm just thinking that if I express everything, my fears of my shortcomings ect... that I may be able to make some sort of sense out of this thing I'm calling my adult life and be able to come up with a plan of action.
I knew I should have savored every moment
I wish I would have grabbed tight and just hold in
I know, I know everything's wrong
Let go, let go, now I'm gone
When it all falls down
And you know
There's no way that you can get out (x2)
I know I should have cherished every second
I step back, step back to another perspective
And in my mind, my mind I know it's been long
It's a feeling you've got, you're feeling so cold
When it all falls down
And you know
There's no way that you can get out (x2)
I don't want to feel like this will never be over
And I don't want to sit and think about what's going wrong
I don't want to feel like this will never be over
Cause it feels like I've been falling for so damn long
When it all falls down
And you know
There's no way that you can get out (x2)
I knew I should have savored every moment
I wish I would have grabbed tight and just hold in
I know, I know everything's wrong
Let go, let go, now I'm gone
When it all falls down
And you know
There's no way that you can get out (x2)
I know I should have cherished every second
I step back, step back to another perspective
And in my mind, my mind I know it's been long
It's a feeling you've got, you're feeling so cold
When it all falls down
And you know
There's no way that you can get out (x2)
I don't want to feel like this will never be over
And I don't want to sit and think about what's going wrong
I don't want to feel like this will never be over
Cause it feels like I've been falling for so damn long
When it all falls down
And you know
There's no way that you can get out (x2)