Standalone: The Rumor-mill Never Grows Old
Title: The Rumor-mill Never Grows Old
Author: LittleMissGriff
Prompt:
Rating: PG-13, possibly R for some people
Warnings: Uh, crackier than intended.
Summary: Lian is pretty sure that no one had this much issue when it was her father having gratuitous Titans sex.
-
The first time Lian went on a date with her boyfriend, Iris lied and said they were having a sleep over. Oddly enough, that was the same night her father found Damian Wayne naked in his daughter's bedroom. Not being present meant Lian never knew Wally told Dick, who told Roy, who absolutely thought his daughter was having intimate relations with both of her best friends and he was ok with that, really, even if he spent many of his night having panicked parental thoughts about what his little girl was doing back at Titan's Tower.
He was not at all ready to have Wayne spawn calling him 'Grandpa'.
To be honest, the date wasn't much of a date in that he had no real idea it was a date and Lian figured if you can't make a complete fool of yourself hitting on a senior hero when you're a fresh eighteen, when can you? So, it was a nice long patrol through Metropolis with Lian doing her best to bend into impossible shapes - thank you, Damian Wayne, for your compulsive need to train heroes for every scenario.(Her favorite included the flame throwing mind-control zombies, for the record) - while hitting the perfect mark. She was still glowing over that triple pike shot with a twisted 45 degree ricochet clean into the gunman's right buttocks.
For the record? Superman's laugh was absolutely golden. A little like his glistening pecs.
When she returned that weekend, her father kept looking at her and Lian was sure she'd been found out. Batman found out, maybe, or Oracle, but, no, he just asked her shallowly, “How was it over at Iris's?”
She stuttered out some convincing teenage babble that was both chatty and utterly cryptic and promised herself she wasn't going to blush. Redhead she may not be, but damn if she didn't get the Irish skin.
When he followed up with, “I heard Damian was there,” Iris just threw in the conniving towel and continued nodding her head agreeably.
Not her most brilliant moment, but he never noticed.
Iris and Damian failed to fill her in on the details of their fun weekend, so by the time it hit Milagro's turn to cover for their erstwhile archer, the Justice League had quite the rumor mill going about the Titans.
That night was memorable for all the wrong reasons and one very, very right one. Instead of meeting up with the Man of Steel (and corded thighs, with fantastic hands. Lordy, those hands. Happy in her panties time for Lian, mmmyes.), Lian showed up on the rooftop of Main and Kruger to find Conner Kent waiting for her with a bag from the Gap. It was the fantastic evening that Superman finally got the freaking hint.
It was also the night Jaime Reyes called her house at four am and demanded to know her intentions with his sister. He didn't find think, 'Well, cannibalism has been on my mind recently and she's definitely got all the right curves,' to be an appropriate answer.
After that, her father came out of his room with his cell tucked to his ear and the dulcet tones of a hysteric Wally on the other end saying something about chlymidia.
It took exactly three hours to get everyone off mission and huddled into Wayne Manor.
Lian was completely lost since her father had simply given her a very serious look and said, “It's time we had a talk with you kids.” If they were making them sit through another sex ed seminar because someone got screwed by the sex fairy, Lian was going to be pissed. Just because you knew what STD's were didn't mean you could x-ray a guy's (Or girls.) pants and go 'Oh, that's a bad one. Move along!'.
Sex required a certain amount of trust. Last time she checked, she was pretty sure all the glowering men lining the wall - and, really, why just men? This was getting a bit ridiculous. Oh, wait, no. There was Iris' mom. Shit. - were big strapping adults. They knew that.
Milagro was pinching the bridge on her nose furiously, pointedly not speaking to he brother who was whispering sharply and waving his hands about. Obviously, she knew something, but Lian wasn't about to start shoving Blue Beetle around when her father was probably prepping the net.
Damian was stone walling, but that just meant he was unsure. He also wouldn't talk to her because that would mean admitting he had no idea what was going on. Dick was standing next to her father with a deep solemn face he kept hidden for funerals and serious issues.
Oddly enough, Sin wasn't here. Or Tula. Or Mar'i.
Wait.
Koriand'r strut in with a highly unamused look sending Mar'i to sit next to Lian.
“Any idea what the emergency meeting's for?” Lian asked in a low voice, keeping her eyes on the parents.
Mar'i just quirked her lips and said, “No, but by the sounds of my mother, it's going to be very entertaining.”
Eyebrows high, Lian cast a glance at the other halpless prisoners and waited.
Finally, Dick stepped forward, “I assume you all know why you're here?”
A chorus of, “YES.”, “No?”, “Affirmative.”, “Bite me.”, and “I soon will.” echoed in the large dining room. Dick licked his lips and didn't smile at Iris's blatant hostility, but it was obvious it was tempting.
Oh, not that big a deal, then.
Lian relaxed.
“It's come to our attention that the Titans have been involved in some less than appropriate behaviors -” Kori huffed angrily, “- as of late. We were willing to wait for your youth to become experience, but now it has become a threat to the health of the team.”
“Oh my God,” Iris fumed, stomping to her feet and slamming her hands on the table. “It wasn't fucking chlymidia, ok? It was bacterial vaginosis. Grow a fucking pair, will ya'll. It's not like we're pegging the family pet!”
“Iris!” Wally boomed.
“This is all your fault!” Iris yelled, waving at the older heroes. “They're all here because they think we're whoring around with anyone who'll have us because, oh my god, I had an STD. Except I didn't.”
“They don't hand out antibacterials for nothing!” He countered, and Lian watched the pair curiously.
This was better than daytime tv!
Iris crossed her and rolled her eyes, “Except they totally hand out antifungals for bacterial vaginoisis!”
“If it's bacterial, why did he give you an antifungal!” Wally crowed victoriously.
Throwing her hands up, Iris yelled, “I don't know! Maybe you should call and ask him.” She fished out her cellphone, flipping through numbers. “Why don't you talk to him yourself. I'll even give you permission to read my medical files.”
“I don't need permission! I'm your father!”
Iris gave him a flat simmering look and smirked, “Yeah? But I'm eighteen.”
Wally sputtered for a moment until Lian broke in, “So, wait. What exactly are we here for?”
“We need to talk about your promiscuity,” Dick said seriously and Lian laughed.
She laughed and laughed until she realized none of the adult her cracking a smile with her and she choked, “Wait, seriously? What's next, condoms are the devil and you only get married to have babies? Did I miss a serious memo here?”
Her father stepped forward this time, looking every bit as uncomfortable as she was beginning to feel, “Lian, honey. I know you're young and you're, uh, exploring. But you need to be safe. The Titans have been reckless with their, um, sexual health and it's time we stepped in.”
“Milagro's a good girl and -”
Mila cut her brother off with an angry stream of Spanish and it didn't take a translator to figure out “Butt the fuck out, you asshole, I'm not seven.”
Lian remembered Titans being a little more respectful when she was a kid. It must be something in the water these days.
“Ok, seriously, bacterial vaginosis!” Iris yelled. “It means when Damian here got his jollies off in my happy pants, things got a little out of whack. And when I mean 'things', I mean the fucking pH levels in my vagina. It's like keeping your fish tank too warm! Things start growing.”
“Iris,” Lian choked, “That's something I seriously didn't need to know.”
“Yeah, well,” She thumbed a finger at her father, “Apparently the entire Justice League needed to know I had herpes, so I guess it's everyone's business.”
“Chlymidia!” Wally objected.
“Says who!” Iris snapped.
“Me!”
Iris rolled her eyes, “Yeah, that's reliable.”
Wally crossed his arms, “What is that supposed to mean?”
“The first time I got a concussion you told everyone I was in a coma!”
“You lost conciousness!”
“And when I broke my arm, you acted like they cut it off!”
“It was a serious injury!”
“It was a simple greenstick fracture!”
“Broken bones can lead to deep bone infections and they're permanently weakened for the rest of your life!”
“I was seven, Dad. I'm pretty sure my spunky little self had plenty of time to heal!”
“Wait,” Dick cut in, swapping looks with Roy. “Does this mean there's no confirmed STD.”
Finally, Linda sighed and cocked her head, “I've been trying to tell him all night.”
The room was silent.
“Um, I'd like to point out,” Lian ventured, “No one made this big a deal when you guys were having gratuitous titan sex.”
Kori growled from her corner, “I know.”
Lian reminded herself to never, ever, piss off Mar'i's mom, because Dick looked about three seconds from spontaneous combustion.
And her dad looked really uncomfortable.
“Well,” he started and cleared his throat, “I, well.” He sighed, “We weren't exactly well-supervised.”
“Oh, so you regret it,” Lian commented.
“No!” Roy exclaimed, backpedaling, “I'm just saying, perhaps, it wasn't the best advised-”
“They're boys, we're girls, and they've got a fucking double standard.”
“Damian's not a girl!” Wally chimed in.
“But you're all in a tizzy cause we're fucking.”
“Iris,” Her mother snapped, “Language.”
“Sorry,” Iris muttered, slumping back into her chair.
Leaning back, Lian glanced at Damian. He was staring straight ahead, military posture.
Ohoho, someone was really embarrassed about all this.
Finally, Dick closed his eyes, “Ok, obviously? There has been some miscommunication tonight.”
“And misogyny,” Milagro spat, glaring at her brother. He glared back.
Dick licked his teeth and continued without comment, “I think it would be best if we retired to the cave and let the children-”
“I'm eighteen!” Iris exclaimed as if she couldn't believe the stupidity. “Ok, you hear me? I'm eighteen.” She waved her hand around at the rest of the Titans, “Lian is eighteen! Milagro is seventeen! Mar'i - who I have no idea why she's even here - is fourteen and, ok, you could get pretty pissed about that one, but the point is I don't think anyone has gone there -”
“Except Lian,” Jaime muttered and Lian was just about ready to peg him a new one if he didn't close his big pie hole. God, she'd have to ask Milagro what crawled up her brother's butt and died because, seriously, he was usually the cool one.
“There is no proof of that,” Iris countered primly and Lian knew, knew, Iris was the one who had all the pieces in this fucked-up puzzle. “Anyway, Damian's twenty-two, guys. My point is, we're all a little old for you to be poking around our sex lives calling us children, anyway.”
“Fine,” Dick growled, pinching the bridge of his nose, “Justice League, the cave. Titans, the manor. Are we clear?”
“I,” Kori declared cooly, “Am leaving. I told you this was ridiculous.”
Mar'i grinned at Lian, “This was so much fun! Invite me again next time.”
The dining room trickled empty and as soon as the elder Titans were left, Lian rounded on Iris, “Ok, seriously, what the fuck.”
-
“So, wait?” Lian interrupted, “For the last three months, you've been telling your parents I've been systematically sleeping my way around the Titans.”
“No,” Iris objected, sharing a look with Damian who cocked his head, “We've just let them assume.”
“Wow,” Lian sighed, leaning back in her chair. “That's... actually pretty awesome.”
Iris crowed victoriously, punching both fist in the air, “I KNEW IT!” She rounded on Damian with a maniacal grin. “Cough it up, Bat-boy, I win.”
Damian spared Lian an utterly betrayed look.
Iris cooed, “Come on, now. Don't be a sore loser about it.”
He ground his teeth and spat, “Anastasium.”
Lian furrowed her brow in confusion, “What, the password to his diary?”
Iris chuckled gleefully, “Nuhuh,” she grinned, “His middle name.”
Milagro choked a laugh and stuttered, “Y-Your name's Anastasia?”
“Anastasium!” Damian snapped, pulling himself up proudly, “It is Greek. It means 'resurrection'!”
All three girls rolled there eyes and chorus, “Talia.”
They relaxed lazily in the highback wooden chairs, Milagro pillowing her head on the table sleepily while Iris hooked her legs over the end and propped her feet in Damian's lap. Lian kicked her feet up on the table and sighed.
“So, I could have been having sex this entire time,” She mourned, “I feel gypped.”
“Well, Dick is Romanian!” Iris chuckled at her own wit.
Lian raised an eyebrow and Milagro confessed, “I don't get it.”
“Because he's a gypsy and..” Iris trailed, “God damn it, Damian! You and your fucking etymology obsession.” She leaned over and smack his arm, “I'm ruined because of you! No one will have me now.”
“I think that's what your father was trying to say,” Lian huffed playfully.
“Oh please,” Iris rolled her eyes, “He's been saying that since I was four and punched Jai in the face for cutting the hair off my Barbie. It loses something after that.”
Milagro crooned sympathetically, “And I though Jaime was bad. At least I get to go home and tell Dad about this. Believe me, he will not do it again. Being the girl in your family must, well, suck.”
“Oh,” Iris shook her head, “It's nothing like that.”
Lian groaned and slammed her head on the table.
“Exactly,” Iris nodded. At Milagro's confusion she explained, “You should have seen what he did to Jai when he caught him making out with his girlfriend in seventh grade. He's mellowed considerably.”
Milagro goggled.
Lian, still put out that she suffered the punishment without the crime, mourned again, “Seriously? Where was all this sex I was having! I want to know! God damn it, I want a damn refund.” She pouted, “and I seriously want to get laid.”
“Awww, Superboy keeping it in his underpants?” Iris taunted, poking her boyfriend absently in the face with her foot. Damian snaked his arm around her leg and pinched her inner thigh. Iris squeaked, and smacked him.
“Hey, Superman, Iris. All man.” Then she sulked, “and yes.”
“I'm surprised,” Damian said coolly, tickling Iris's foot mercilessly, “From Timothy's description of his youth, I expected him to be rather open about his relations.”
“Yeah, well,” Lian snapped, “He's been very closed pants with me.”
“Maybe he thinks you're totting a big fat V-card,” Iris chuckled. The she blinked, “Wait a second.” She thought hard for a moment and snickered, “I totally forgot. You are a virgin.”
“Seriously,” Lian snapped, “after all this, you think that's why he's holding out? You made pretty damn sure the entire JLU knew I was getting a work out and that's why you think he's holding out?”
“Or,” Damian shrugged, “perhaps you just haven't asked him.”
Lian paused.
Iris quirked an eyebrow.
Milagro cocked her head.
“Well fuck,” Lian cursed, “I could have been getting laid double.”
Iris wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him on the cheek, “I knew your genius was in there somewhere.”
Suddenly, she stood up and grabbed Damian by the hand, “Whelp, I'm ready to go get thoroughly buggered while my parents lurk downstairs.”
“He never should have sent you to England for 10th grade,” Lian pointed out.
“Shush. Go call your bit of handsome, you absolute scandel.” She reached out across the table, “Milagro, my darling.”
Lian's jaw dropped, “Wait, I seriously could have been getting laid this whole time!”
“Mmhmm,” Iris yawned flippantly, “And if you get off your butt and call Mr. Strappingly Blue, you still will be.”
“His suit's black,” Lian huffed.
“Yeah,” Iris called over her shoulder, “But calling him 'Mr. Strappingly Black' makes him sound like a strap-on.”
“I hate you!” Lian called after her, getting nothing but the finger for her troubles.
Biting her thumbnail nervously, Lian walked out to the balcony and rustled up her courage.
“I wouldn't have slept with you if you asked,” Kon said from behind her, startling Lian around. He flashed a smile, “Well, not at first.”
Lian crossed her arms and cocked her head suspiciously, “Why?”
“X-ray vision,” He tapped his temple.
“So?” She shrugged, “What did you... Oh my God,” Lian blushed, “You totally checked for my v-card!”
Kon flashed her a lacivious smirk and waggled his eyebrows, “Maybe.”
“You so did!” Lian accused, jabbing him in the chest. “I can't believe you.”
“Really?” He teased, “You can't believe I'd check. Every guy wants to know.”
Lian opened her mouth to lead in a tirade, but, really, when she thought about it, “Ok, so yeah, I can totally believe it.” She huffed, “It's still grossly unfair.”
“How so?”
“You totally knew I wasn't getting laid this entire time when anyone else would have been getting jealous.”
Laughed, Kon picked her up lightly and floated upwards, “Yeah, probably.”
“Damn.” Lian huffed. “I keep missing out on all the fun.”
“By the way,” Kon added, “I thought you should know I had an interesting talk with Robin earlier.”
Oh no he didn't, Lian fretted, “I'll kill him.”
“I don't know,” He shrugged with coy smile, “He had some very interesting ideas.”
“Like?”
Iris flung open the third story window and leaned out, “God damn it, hurry up will you? My boyfriend's holding out until all the guests arrive.”
“Oh my God.” She stared at them both, “It was Damian's plan to pop my cherry with an orgy?”
Iris rolled her eyes, “I've told you, you can't fault the man for style.”
Author: LittleMissGriff
Prompt:
Rating: PG-13, possibly R for some people
Warnings: Uh, crackier than intended.
Summary: Lian is pretty sure that no one had this much issue when it was her father having gratuitous Titans sex.
-
The first time Lian went on a date with her boyfriend, Iris lied and said they were having a sleep over. Oddly enough, that was the same night her father found Damian Wayne naked in his daughter's bedroom. Not being present meant Lian never knew Wally told Dick, who told Roy, who absolutely thought his daughter was having intimate relations with both of her best friends and he was ok with that, really, even if he spent many of his night having panicked parental thoughts about what his little girl was doing back at Titan's Tower.
He was not at all ready to have Wayne spawn calling him 'Grandpa'.
To be honest, the date wasn't much of a date in that he had no real idea it was a date and Lian figured if you can't make a complete fool of yourself hitting on a senior hero when you're a fresh eighteen, when can you? So, it was a nice long patrol through Metropolis with Lian doing her best to bend into impossible shapes - thank you, Damian Wayne, for your compulsive need to train heroes for every scenario.(Her favorite included the flame throwing mind-control zombies, for the record) - while hitting the perfect mark. She was still glowing over that triple pike shot with a twisted 45 degree ricochet clean into the gunman's right buttocks.
For the record? Superman's laugh was absolutely golden. A little like his glistening pecs.
When she returned that weekend, her father kept looking at her and Lian was sure she'd been found out. Batman found out, maybe, or Oracle, but, no, he just asked her shallowly, “How was it over at Iris's?”
She stuttered out some convincing teenage babble that was both chatty and utterly cryptic and promised herself she wasn't going to blush. Redhead she may not be, but damn if she didn't get the Irish skin.
When he followed up with, “I heard Damian was there,” Iris just threw in the conniving towel and continued nodding her head agreeably.
Not her most brilliant moment, but he never noticed.
Iris and Damian failed to fill her in on the details of their fun weekend, so by the time it hit Milagro's turn to cover for their erstwhile archer, the Justice League had quite the rumor mill going about the Titans.
That night was memorable for all the wrong reasons and one very, very right one. Instead of meeting up with the Man of Steel (and corded thighs, with fantastic hands. Lordy, those hands. Happy in her panties time for Lian, mmmyes.), Lian showed up on the rooftop of Main and Kruger to find Conner Kent waiting for her with a bag from the Gap. It was the fantastic evening that Superman finally got the freaking hint.
It was also the night Jaime Reyes called her house at four am and demanded to know her intentions with his sister. He didn't find think, 'Well, cannibalism has been on my mind recently and she's definitely got all the right curves,' to be an appropriate answer.
After that, her father came out of his room with his cell tucked to his ear and the dulcet tones of a hysteric Wally on the other end saying something about chlymidia.
It took exactly three hours to get everyone off mission and huddled into Wayne Manor.
Lian was completely lost since her father had simply given her a very serious look and said, “It's time we had a talk with you kids.” If they were making them sit through another sex ed seminar because someone got screwed by the sex fairy, Lian was going to be pissed. Just because you knew what STD's were didn't mean you could x-ray a guy's (Or girls.) pants and go 'Oh, that's a bad one. Move along!'.
Sex required a certain amount of trust. Last time she checked, she was pretty sure all the glowering men lining the wall - and, really, why just men? This was getting a bit ridiculous. Oh, wait, no. There was Iris' mom. Shit. - were big strapping adults. They knew that.
Milagro was pinching the bridge on her nose furiously, pointedly not speaking to he brother who was whispering sharply and waving his hands about. Obviously, she knew something, but Lian wasn't about to start shoving Blue Beetle around when her father was probably prepping the net.
Damian was stone walling, but that just meant he was unsure. He also wouldn't talk to her because that would mean admitting he had no idea what was going on. Dick was standing next to her father with a deep solemn face he kept hidden for funerals and serious issues.
Oddly enough, Sin wasn't here. Or Tula. Or Mar'i.
Wait.
Koriand'r strut in with a highly unamused look sending Mar'i to sit next to Lian.
“Any idea what the emergency meeting's for?” Lian asked in a low voice, keeping her eyes on the parents.
Mar'i just quirked her lips and said, “No, but by the sounds of my mother, it's going to be very entertaining.”
Eyebrows high, Lian cast a glance at the other halpless prisoners and waited.
Finally, Dick stepped forward, “I assume you all know why you're here?”
A chorus of, “YES.”, “No?”, “Affirmative.”, “Bite me.”, and “I soon will.” echoed in the large dining room. Dick licked his lips and didn't smile at Iris's blatant hostility, but it was obvious it was tempting.
Oh, not that big a deal, then.
Lian relaxed.
“It's come to our attention that the Titans have been involved in some less than appropriate behaviors -” Kori huffed angrily, “- as of late. We were willing to wait for your youth to become experience, but now it has become a threat to the health of the team.”
“Oh my God,” Iris fumed, stomping to her feet and slamming her hands on the table. “It wasn't fucking chlymidia, ok? It was bacterial vaginosis. Grow a fucking pair, will ya'll. It's not like we're pegging the family pet!”
“Iris!” Wally boomed.
“This is all your fault!” Iris yelled, waving at the older heroes. “They're all here because they think we're whoring around with anyone who'll have us because, oh my god, I had an STD. Except I didn't.”
“They don't hand out antibacterials for nothing!” He countered, and Lian watched the pair curiously.
This was better than daytime tv!
Iris crossed her and rolled her eyes, “Except they totally hand out antifungals for bacterial vaginoisis!”
“If it's bacterial, why did he give you an antifungal!” Wally crowed victoriously.
Throwing her hands up, Iris yelled, “I don't know! Maybe you should call and ask him.” She fished out her cellphone, flipping through numbers. “Why don't you talk to him yourself. I'll even give you permission to read my medical files.”
“I don't need permission! I'm your father!”
Iris gave him a flat simmering look and smirked, “Yeah? But I'm eighteen.”
Wally sputtered for a moment until Lian broke in, “So, wait. What exactly are we here for?”
“We need to talk about your promiscuity,” Dick said seriously and Lian laughed.
She laughed and laughed until she realized none of the adult her cracking a smile with her and she choked, “Wait, seriously? What's next, condoms are the devil and you only get married to have babies? Did I miss a serious memo here?”
Her father stepped forward this time, looking every bit as uncomfortable as she was beginning to feel, “Lian, honey. I know you're young and you're, uh, exploring. But you need to be safe. The Titans have been reckless with their, um, sexual health and it's time we stepped in.”
“Milagro's a good girl and -”
Mila cut her brother off with an angry stream of Spanish and it didn't take a translator to figure out “Butt the fuck out, you asshole, I'm not seven.”
Lian remembered Titans being a little more respectful when she was a kid. It must be something in the water these days.
“Ok, seriously, bacterial vaginosis!” Iris yelled. “It means when Damian here got his jollies off in my happy pants, things got a little out of whack. And when I mean 'things', I mean the fucking pH levels in my vagina. It's like keeping your fish tank too warm! Things start growing.”
“Iris,” Lian choked, “That's something I seriously didn't need to know.”
“Yeah, well,” She thumbed a finger at her father, “Apparently the entire Justice League needed to know I had herpes, so I guess it's everyone's business.”
“Chlymidia!” Wally objected.
“Says who!” Iris snapped.
“Me!”
Iris rolled her eyes, “Yeah, that's reliable.”
Wally crossed his arms, “What is that supposed to mean?”
“The first time I got a concussion you told everyone I was in a coma!”
“You lost conciousness!”
“And when I broke my arm, you acted like they cut it off!”
“It was a serious injury!”
“It was a simple greenstick fracture!”
“Broken bones can lead to deep bone infections and they're permanently weakened for the rest of your life!”
“I was seven, Dad. I'm pretty sure my spunky little self had plenty of time to heal!”
“Wait,” Dick cut in, swapping looks with Roy. “Does this mean there's no confirmed STD.”
Finally, Linda sighed and cocked her head, “I've been trying to tell him all night.”
The room was silent.
“Um, I'd like to point out,” Lian ventured, “No one made this big a deal when you guys were having gratuitous titan sex.”
Kori growled from her corner, “I know.”
Lian reminded herself to never, ever, piss off Mar'i's mom, because Dick looked about three seconds from spontaneous combustion.
And her dad looked really uncomfortable.
“Well,” he started and cleared his throat, “I, well.” He sighed, “We weren't exactly well-supervised.”
“Oh, so you regret it,” Lian commented.
“No!” Roy exclaimed, backpedaling, “I'm just saying, perhaps, it wasn't the best advised-”
“They're boys, we're girls, and they've got a fucking double standard.”
“Damian's not a girl!” Wally chimed in.
“But you're all in a tizzy cause we're fucking.”
“Iris,” Her mother snapped, “Language.”
“Sorry,” Iris muttered, slumping back into her chair.
Leaning back, Lian glanced at Damian. He was staring straight ahead, military posture.
Ohoho, someone was really embarrassed about all this.
Finally, Dick closed his eyes, “Ok, obviously? There has been some miscommunication tonight.”
“And misogyny,” Milagro spat, glaring at her brother. He glared back.
Dick licked his teeth and continued without comment, “I think it would be best if we retired to the cave and let the children-”
“I'm eighteen!” Iris exclaimed as if she couldn't believe the stupidity. “Ok, you hear me? I'm eighteen.” She waved her hand around at the rest of the Titans, “Lian is eighteen! Milagro is seventeen! Mar'i - who I have no idea why she's even here - is fourteen and, ok, you could get pretty pissed about that one, but the point is I don't think anyone has gone there -”
“Except Lian,” Jaime muttered and Lian was just about ready to peg him a new one if he didn't close his big pie hole. God, she'd have to ask Milagro what crawled up her brother's butt and died because, seriously, he was usually the cool one.
“There is no proof of that,” Iris countered primly and Lian knew, knew, Iris was the one who had all the pieces in this fucked-up puzzle. “Anyway, Damian's twenty-two, guys. My point is, we're all a little old for you to be poking around our sex lives calling us children, anyway.”
“Fine,” Dick growled, pinching the bridge of his nose, “Justice League, the cave. Titans, the manor. Are we clear?”
“I,” Kori declared cooly, “Am leaving. I told you this was ridiculous.”
Mar'i grinned at Lian, “This was so much fun! Invite me again next time.”
The dining room trickled empty and as soon as the elder Titans were left, Lian rounded on Iris, “Ok, seriously, what the fuck.”
-
“So, wait?” Lian interrupted, “For the last three months, you've been telling your parents I've been systematically sleeping my way around the Titans.”
“No,” Iris objected, sharing a look with Damian who cocked his head, “We've just let them assume.”
“Wow,” Lian sighed, leaning back in her chair. “That's... actually pretty awesome.”
Iris crowed victoriously, punching both fist in the air, “I KNEW IT!” She rounded on Damian with a maniacal grin. “Cough it up, Bat-boy, I win.”
Damian spared Lian an utterly betrayed look.
Iris cooed, “Come on, now. Don't be a sore loser about it.”
He ground his teeth and spat, “Anastasium.”
Lian furrowed her brow in confusion, “What, the password to his diary?”
Iris chuckled gleefully, “Nuhuh,” she grinned, “His middle name.”
Milagro choked a laugh and stuttered, “Y-Your name's Anastasia?”
“Anastasium!” Damian snapped, pulling himself up proudly, “It is Greek. It means 'resurrection'!”
All three girls rolled there eyes and chorus, “Talia.”
They relaxed lazily in the highback wooden chairs, Milagro pillowing her head on the table sleepily while Iris hooked her legs over the end and propped her feet in Damian's lap. Lian kicked her feet up on the table and sighed.
“So, I could have been having sex this entire time,” She mourned, “I feel gypped.”
“Well, Dick is Romanian!” Iris chuckled at her own wit.
Lian raised an eyebrow and Milagro confessed, “I don't get it.”
“Because he's a gypsy and..” Iris trailed, “God damn it, Damian! You and your fucking etymology obsession.” She leaned over and smack his arm, “I'm ruined because of you! No one will have me now.”
“I think that's what your father was trying to say,” Lian huffed playfully.
“Oh please,” Iris rolled her eyes, “He's been saying that since I was four and punched Jai in the face for cutting the hair off my Barbie. It loses something after that.”
Milagro crooned sympathetically, “And I though Jaime was bad. At least I get to go home and tell Dad about this. Believe me, he will not do it again. Being the girl in your family must, well, suck.”
“Oh,” Iris shook her head, “It's nothing like that.”
Lian groaned and slammed her head on the table.
“Exactly,” Iris nodded. At Milagro's confusion she explained, “You should have seen what he did to Jai when he caught him making out with his girlfriend in seventh grade. He's mellowed considerably.”
Milagro goggled.
Lian, still put out that she suffered the punishment without the crime, mourned again, “Seriously? Where was all this sex I was having! I want to know! God damn it, I want a damn refund.” She pouted, “and I seriously want to get laid.”
“Awww, Superboy keeping it in his underpants?” Iris taunted, poking her boyfriend absently in the face with her foot. Damian snaked his arm around her leg and pinched her inner thigh. Iris squeaked, and smacked him.
“Hey, Superman, Iris. All man.” Then she sulked, “and yes.”
“I'm surprised,” Damian said coolly, tickling Iris's foot mercilessly, “From Timothy's description of his youth, I expected him to be rather open about his relations.”
“Yeah, well,” Lian snapped, “He's been very closed pants with me.”
“Maybe he thinks you're totting a big fat V-card,” Iris chuckled. The she blinked, “Wait a second.” She thought hard for a moment and snickered, “I totally forgot. You are a virgin.”
“Seriously,” Lian snapped, “after all this, you think that's why he's holding out? You made pretty damn sure the entire JLU knew I was getting a work out and that's why you think he's holding out?”
“Or,” Damian shrugged, “perhaps you just haven't asked him.”
Lian paused.
Iris quirked an eyebrow.
Milagro cocked her head.
“Well fuck,” Lian cursed, “I could have been getting laid double.”
Iris wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him on the cheek, “I knew your genius was in there somewhere.”
Suddenly, she stood up and grabbed Damian by the hand, “Whelp, I'm ready to go get thoroughly buggered while my parents lurk downstairs.”
“He never should have sent you to England for 10th grade,” Lian pointed out.
“Shush. Go call your bit of handsome, you absolute scandel.” She reached out across the table, “Milagro, my darling.”
Lian's jaw dropped, “Wait, I seriously could have been getting laid this whole time!”
“Mmhmm,” Iris yawned flippantly, “And if you get off your butt and call Mr. Strappingly Blue, you still will be.”
“His suit's black,” Lian huffed.
“Yeah,” Iris called over her shoulder, “But calling him 'Mr. Strappingly Black' makes him sound like a strap-on.”
“I hate you!” Lian called after her, getting nothing but the finger for her troubles.
Biting her thumbnail nervously, Lian walked out to the balcony and rustled up her courage.
“I wouldn't have slept with you if you asked,” Kon said from behind her, startling Lian around. He flashed a smile, “Well, not at first.”
Lian crossed her arms and cocked her head suspiciously, “Why?”
“X-ray vision,” He tapped his temple.
“So?” She shrugged, “What did you... Oh my God,” Lian blushed, “You totally checked for my v-card!”
Kon flashed her a lacivious smirk and waggled his eyebrows, “Maybe.”
“You so did!” Lian accused, jabbing him in the chest. “I can't believe you.”
“Really?” He teased, “You can't believe I'd check. Every guy wants to know.”
Lian opened her mouth to lead in a tirade, but, really, when she thought about it, “Ok, so yeah, I can totally believe it.” She huffed, “It's still grossly unfair.”
“How so?”
“You totally knew I wasn't getting laid this entire time when anyone else would have been getting jealous.”
Laughed, Kon picked her up lightly and floated upwards, “Yeah, probably.”
“Damn.” Lian huffed. “I keep missing out on all the fun.”
“By the way,” Kon added, “I thought you should know I had an interesting talk with Robin earlier.”
Oh no he didn't, Lian fretted, “I'll kill him.”
“I don't know,” He shrugged with coy smile, “He had some very interesting ideas.”
“Like?”
Iris flung open the third story window and leaned out, “God damn it, hurry up will you? My boyfriend's holding out until all the guests arrive.”
“Oh my God.” She stared at them both, “It was Damian's plan to pop my cherry with an orgy?”
Iris rolled her eyes, “I've told you, you can't fault the man for style.”