(no subject)
Title: If I Were a Hero
Pairing: Tim/Kon
Rating: PG
Summary: 'This is surprisingly romantic.'
A/N: HAPPY BIRTHDAY batstalker ! Have a present now.
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“I have to admit, when he said we were going to a play based off a movie about ogres, I wondered what his idea of our relationship was, but this is surprisingly romantic,” Tim admitted to Cassie, hiding in the girl's bathroom. His cell was pressed to his ear and he whispered in a stall, hoping no one in the long line of bladder-strapped patrons would notice an invader was hogging one of the fifteen stalls. He thought he was in the clear, though; he was the last in the row and the stall next to him was out of order. It made the women more desperate, but Tim was a master at staying under the radar.
Someone knocked and Tim curse and cried out in falsetto, “Taken!” He should have known pulling his feet up would backfire, but his dress shoes were a sure sign he didn't belong.
“You've been in there forever! “ The knocker responded angrily, “there's a line waiting. You can't spend all night hogging the toilets.”
Shit, “I've got hemorrhoids!” Tim panicked and Cassie, who'd been politely muffling her laughter, exploded in shrieking cackles.
“I can't believe you're hiding from your boyfriend in the girl's bathroom, pretending to have hemorrhoids. I thought you said it was going well!”
“It is,” Tim hissed quietly, waiting for a sign his audience was gone. “That's why I have to hide!”
“Ok, Boy Wonder. It's official. I don't get it.”
Tim sighed and rubbed his eyes, loose shirt cuffs flapping against his cheek irritatingly. He wedged the phone against his shoulder and rolled his sleeves briskly to the elbow. His tux jacket was hanging innocently on the door with his bow tie dangling out of a pocket.
He tried to explain,”This is Kon, Cassie. Our dates never go well. They certainly never go well and according to plan. You have to understand that much.”
“So you're hiding in the bathroom so he doesn't have a chance to shove his spectacularly large feet in his even more momentous mouth and ruin the evening for everyone?” She hissed and begged off for a moment, setting the phone down briskly. Tim was left listening to the soft rush of traffic outside and Cassie thunk around her room. “Ok, back.”
Thunking his head against the tile, Tim winced, “You're painting your toe nails, aren't you.”
“Florescent pink. I'll show you tomorrow at the tower. They're going to be gorgeous if I ever stop spilling.”
“You're not actually the smart reliable best friend in the romantic comedy.”
“You tell yourself that and keep the girl-talk coming, Princess Fiona. You never know when Shrek will break the door down and save you.”
“Kon the ogre. I like it. I'll make it a tee shirt. I bet Bart would buy half a dozen.” Tim sighed, “Of course, he'd probably just stop bathing and I don't think I could deal with that.”
“Mmm, stinky Conner. You could always lick him clean.”
“Cassie,” Tim snapped, “not that sort of conversation!”
“You have such delicate sensibilities, Tim. It's adorable, really. Does Kon like all your vanilla or do you get all tomcat in the bedroom?”
“I'm hanging up now,” Tim sulked, debating whether the crowd was thin enough for him to escape without too much ruckus. It didn't sound safe. A few more minutes, then. There had to be someone else he could call who wouldn't hold this over his head forever or ask increasingly awkward questions.
Tim sighed. There really wasn't, unless he wanted to start giving Alfred the gritty details of his relationship. Surely the butler already knew, but there were some facades that needed to stay in place for Tim's mental well-being.
“You do that. Oh, and Tim,” Cassie caught him before he left, “I didn't know the Anthum Theater had lead walls.”
Lead walls? It wasn't like he was dating -”Oh shit.”
“You totally forgot your boyfriend has super hearing, didn't you?”
“I've got to go,” Tim rushed, scrabbling to his feet.
“You really do.”
He shoved his phone in his front pocket and fought with his jacket, pulling it on sloppily and tying a cockeyed bow around his neck. How could he do that? Tim was so worried about Kon screwing things up he went and did it himself. He slammed the door open, startling a line of girls powdering their noses at the sink. Tim apologized profusely and danced his way out the door.
Kon wasn't in the lobby and Tim winced. What if he left after Tim said that. Kon usually had a decent sense of humor, but Tim wasn't joking with him this time, he was talking behind his back. The auditorium was only a quarter filled, it was obvious as Tim jogged to down the aisle their seats were empty.
“Damn!” He fretted, slumping down in the padded chair.
“So,” Kon startled in his ear, “You think this is romantic, huh?”
Tim spun around and stared.
Kon just stretched and yawned, flexing lightly and quirking a cocky grin, “II guess I'd a hero, with sword and armor clashing, looking semi-dashing...” he sang charmingly, hopping the row.
Pulling on the appearance of disdain, Tim sniffed, “This isn't a sports arena.”
“Just be glad I showered,” Kon waggled his eyebrows, “And wore pants.”
Tim just scoffed and rolled his eyes, “Shrek always wears pants. Being an ogre is not excuse for exhibitionism.”
“Damn,” Kon leaned in and kissed him, “I guess I'll have to stick with 'Damn kids,' then.”
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A/N - This was inspired by Meg, of course, who prompted 'This is surprisingly romantic' for her birthday, and the Shrek: The Musical song 'Who I'd Be'.