Rambling
I found a picture from back when I was in cheerleading earlier this school year. XD
In third grade, I got a 512 mb Memorex mp3 player, which still works, but is battery operated and I don't have the USB cable to add and remove music. So in 6th grade I get a new mp3 player, a Sony Walkman 2 gb mp3 player. It stopped reading on my computer in May 2008. Then in the middle of august, I got a SansaClip 2 gb mp3 player with my birthday money (my birthday is August 3rd) it stopped turning on in March 2009.
So, on Friday I bought a new mp3 player, a SansaView 8 gb mp3 player. It met all of my requirements, and at newegg the refurbished price is also in my requirement range.
My requirements were:
at least 8 gb of flash memory, and preferably a miniSD card slot.
plays music (duh) and videos
has an easy to press navigator. (The SansaClip was really annoying in how much is clicked when you press the buttons, the SonyWalkman had the buttons right in the front and they'd always get bumped)
Under $90
Did not require iTunes
Has at least a cover as an accessory (whether separate or not was an idc thing.)
It matched them all, and it even had free shipping. :D So now I'm waiting until Wednesday or Thursday when it should be here in the mail.
I'm also rather in a confused state right now. One of my best friends (not in AZP) has been having psychiatric problems for almost a year now. Her ex-boyfriend (whose nickname is Alan) was a person with Sadistic Personality Disorder, which is when their sadistic traits goes to an extreme. He would sexually harass her, verbally abuse her, physically hurt her by means such as hitting, kicking, cutting her up, bludgeoning (he once took a crowbar and hurt her back) she left him, and he still went after her. She was diagnosed as having Major Depression and bouts of suicidality. She has attempted to kill herself twice (tho not in 2009) once by jumping into a ravine near her house, and the other time out her window. She was at a low point in the ravine, so she wasn't hurt. The second time her sister walked in so she couldn't. Her parents didn't believe her about Alan, saying she was making it up for attention. She cuts, however she stays clean for rewards. These rewards include keeping her other friend from spiraling downwards and also possibly killing himself (as he is also highly unstable) and receiving hugs from one our more stoic friends.
She is still in therapy, although she told me today she lies about some things, such as how much she eats, whether she is still self-abusive, and so on. She said she was deteriorating again, but when her therapist asks if she's feeling better or worse, she just says either neutral, or slightly better.
What's worse is that she stresses situations. She'll completely ignore good things that have happened if something bad happened right afterwords, and freak out about it. It really does worry me, but all I do is encourage her to do her best on her own.
One time I told her I was glad that it was her that Alan latched onto, because she has handled it much better than most people would have (despite the fact that she now has PTSD, is suicidal and self-abusive) and she told me today that I was right, and she was glad too.
Although, after that she started talking about other things that really startled me, such as how she feels like its her fault that her other suicidal friend is the way he is, and that she should be trying to fix everything that he thinks is wrong with him.
It startled me, because I said she dealt with things better, but I didn't mean taking on the world by herself.
It really worries me a lot, and I'm hoping I can tell her face-to-face what I really think of a lot of her ideas.
For instance, she was arguing with our stoic friend once because he told the health teacher about some of her problems. She told him that she didn't need any help and could handle it herself. I took her side and later went and told our stoic friend that I did agree with him, it's just that she raised a really good point too.
Also apparently she considers me one of her "fucked up" friends. She has 11 friends with diagnosed problems, then me, with nothing diagnosed, but could very easily be something.
She says I show symptoms of PTSD (I completely freak out whenever someone says "goodbye") Major Depression, Manic Depression and Attention Deficit Disorder.
The reason why she thinks I may have PTSD is because whenever someone I knew was going to die, they'd say "goodbye." Then my uncle hung himself after leaving a voicemail on our homephone saying goodbye, and two of my friends committed suicide after saying it as well. I know the first time I talked to her unstable friend, he was depressed about some things, and when he was about to leave, he said "goodbye" and I flipped out at my friend. I was shaking, my eyes were watering up and I was telling her just why I didn't like it when he did that. She says I exhibit symptoms of PTSD, although I only see it when I write it all down. She also says I exhibit signs of Manic Depression, as my mood changes for no apparent reason, and it stays that way for a very long time. Sometimes I'll go a week or two where I just want to cry (but I don't, I haven't cried in over two years) and sometimes I'll go for random periods of time where I'm always happy and hyper (for real), and then have other times where I don't smile or talk very much, and then yet again giant periods where I'm really depressed or being over-analytical but lie and pretend I'm happy, and the lie will last so long I'll believe it myself. That is what seems to be happening right now. I laugh, make jokes, and never seem depressed. My friends tell me that I'm the one they go to for problems because I can always make them feel better in the end, and know that their secret is safe. (the friend I've been mentioning has posted her story online on a completely different site)
Currently, I've been a rather random person, for instance, when I went to Target with said friend, I placed a bird on my head and walked around the store chirping, while she had a 5ft pole that she pulled out of the ground on our way there. Then we bought dish towels and wrapped up her pole and made it look like a stereotypical loony-tunes hobo stick. Then we walked into Lowe's and I picked up an axe from a wall and made menacing faces. She said it was actually really scary in all honesty, because she knows I'm both a huge klutz and a sadist, so I put it back and we continued on our way. Then we went to BestBuy because this was Thursday, as I was still looking for a new mp3 player.
It was really fun, but the fact is is that my method is really flawed, as her suicidal friend told me.
My method of blocking things out to keep myself happy is to allow myself about thirty seconds to be sad about something, then completely block it out of my mind and purposely talk, joke and run around to keep it out of my mind. Sometimes I'd forget it about it completely.
An example of one time when I completely forgot about it (I still don't remember it, this is from what happened after it) my older sister and I went to Target (we lived in a different town then) and we bought some gel pens. I was around five and she was around ten or eleven. (I was still in kindergarten) She drew this really cute kitty "mask" on me. Really it was just a complete face-over with gel pens. I fell asleep with it on by accident, so we went down to the shower to start scrubbing it off that morning, and after that I don't remember anything that happened that day. I picked up on it from eavesdropping on conversations that apparently my dad had struck my sister in the arm and in the face after finding out how irresponsible she was about everything. She told my grandmother (and exaggerated the story) and my sister ended up being put up in foster care with my grandma.
When my mom and dad went through a rough patch almost 5 years ago now, my dad moved out of the house we were living in, and my older sister moved back in. Then my parents got back together and she left to live with my grandma again, even though by then she had a choice where to go and it wasn't mandatory for her to live there. Now my younger sister is eleven, and whenever we get into an argument she'll say something like "I wish I could move in with grandma like [older sister's name] did! She at least respects me!"
Usually after that I'd shout something like "She respects you because she doesn't know you, you stuck up pig! Stop thinking that everyone is going to care for you forever, or you'll end up just like everyone you said you hated!"
Which, though mean, is actually very true.
It seems like I've gotten completely off topic. Oops. Oh well, I dun wanna go back and fix it, so I suppose I'll just keep rambling.
Although rambling is in itself, a nice way to form a strong argument for an informal debate. For instance, I feel like I'm agnostic leaning atheist, so my mom (and sometimes grandma) have really fun debates about things, and come up with our own theories and it's really just super fun. Especially since most of the time my parents pretty much just ignore me. Like, they don't notice when I do things most of the time, and they don't care what I do, where I go, or who I'm with. When I asked my mom once (because my dad is usually busy) why it seemed like they never care what I did, she said that it was because I'd have to learn everything through trial and error. She explained that if they were super controlling, I'd lie to them about everything and keep secrets about really important things, yet with the freedom I've been given I'll be able to learn things for myself and still feel comfortable asking them questions. I suppose when she explains it it sounds super noble and a very wise thing to do, yet I feel like its just them taking the easy way out of parenting. She said that she was the same way with my older sister, and tho I feel like I am far more intelligent then she is (she's just a huge, moronic drama-queen who hates my dad for no good reason)and that I won't make the same mistakes she did. But because she's so stupid I feel like I can't talk to her about anything.
Like one time me and one of my friends were talking, and we got on the topic of teen pregnancy, and she said "you will be smart enough to get an abortion, right emily?" so I responded "well, duh" and the fact is is that I would get an abortion without even thinking about it. But if I were to talk to my older sister, she would COMPLETELY FLIP OUT IN RAGE and start shouting, hitting and cussing at me for being such a "heartless fucking bitch!" as she once said. It really is grating, being surrounded by idiots who don't understand the situation, or understand it but can't figure out what to do about it, so they get defensive about things that don't concern them.
I really love some of my friends tho. One of them, after telling them about how this really stupid guy lives near me (he goes to our school and is a complete idiot, a jerk, and really just a pathetic excuse for a human) and she said "ill bring my neighbor's golf cart over and can crush him in between the wheels." It was meant as a joke, but it is still a really awesome thing to say anyway.
Which I suppose makes me fucked up. Thinking someone dying is a good thing. But the fact is, is that is a good thing. Because then they don't have to think about anything anymore, and they can just lie there and allow maggots to infest their insides and decay, yet still be peaceful.
Apparently my writing shows my dark side, since I've never actually written anything happy since I was 10 and writing OC Mary-Sue Naruto Romance Fanfiction on Quizilla.
My most recent story was one about a child who constantly had nightmares about stuffed animals because his mother's boyfriend attempted to suffocate him one when he was a baby. Then he gradually got better in his foster home (as his mother was arrested for possession of drugs, as well as substance abuse) then he woke up (as a teenager) and decided to write down the story his mind had come up with in his sleep.
Either way, it's 3:30 am where I am currently. I'm surprised this took so long to write, tho I suppose it may have to do with getting distracting with TvTropes and Wikipedia.