expectations are a sonuvabitch
expectations are a sonuvabitch.
I have this habit, this horrific habit of always getting my hopes up. about events, friends, relationships, trips, anything and everything. No matter how many times i tell myself its not going to be what i want or hope, or try to convince myself of the million things that i'm sure to go wrong (which inevitably do), it never works. These romantic comedy film like thoughts seep into my mind. I've done it since i was a kid. I think its my overactive imagination, it was helpful as a lonely child but all it does is as a twenty-something is impede happiness. Even makes feigning contenment difficult anymore, maybe in older age i'm deciding that i care even less then i did as a child.
I can barely remember my dad anymore, its like he doesnt and didnt ever exist, i hear myself talking about him to people but its a memory and only that, no more to be had or made and quoted later on. i think, with each birthday more and more about the things i wish i could learn from him or ask of him rather then other people. Its strange to consider that i think about this person for 8 hours out of 24 and yet i cant remember him? Does that make sense, i think about him, in past and future and sort of present tenses but i am forgetting him? And no one effin gets it. I asked my little cousins the other day about the night he died. They were at the party, it was wierd to hear someone else tell the story.And it got me thinking about my story of it, and just the night itself, and how different things are now, the friends i have now versus the friends i had then, and relationships with family members and i dont know my whole world, II was completely different. i wonder if i'd be better or worse if he was here. guess i'll never know.
i wonder what daddy'd say about Jelly or kyle, or my life, or my major. Which is an entirely other gargantuan issue in itself. I'm screwdiddlydiddled. i have no desire to pursue any sort of career, i hate challenges and i hate trying, or working at something i'm not already good at. Not too many people are familair with my area of major so no one ever really asks too many questions, but when i get around people who are, or kyle it just makes me feel so unaccomplished. A feeling that grows within me daily surrounded with my highschool friends here at home for the summer cristi is practically a nurse, mikey could be employed but isnt, everyone is in this world i dont get to be in, and god knows if i'll ever make it there. its funny that i dont talk to anyone from tally, accept maybe one sporadic person a week.
i have all these plans for fall, gym, work, school, dinner parties, blah blah. but there all only apart of my cloudy imagination i know the truth. i'll eat and make notecards and sit with jelly all day if i can help it. especially now that ive ostrasized myself from society with where i'm living, its nice enough but... its far... boonies far.
aside from anna and ryan, all the couples i know have broken up, they were long relationships too, some from highschool, its not comforting.
everyone likes there job this summer, and if they dont like it, they at least only have to go to it for 3 or 4 days a week. i'm getting paid better then most, but i feel like i'm really earning it, not just in physical dollars but in time. I've only recently forced my self to hang out with everyone no matter how much i dont really want to, but they all go to the beach all the time, and go to lunch together in the middle of the day? Do you know who i go to lunch with? myself, or myself and my mom, who just smokes the whole time.
my breathing gets more and more labored each day, i dont know what that means, maybe i have asthma? my ankle still hurts from moving into my apartment a month ago, i stopped complaining about it around my mom though she'd just make me go to the doctor and thats the last thing i'd want.
i'm working on acquiring vastly underrated skill: the art of small talk.
This is what most small talk/ chit-chat consists of in the workplace:
the weather (its bright, its hot, its rainy, and one's lack of weather appropriate accessories (sunglasses, umbrella, etc).
the day of the week (i'm serious about this one, 10 or 12 people a day literally say "its monday" (generally accompanied with a big sigh), "its wednesday" (then a joke about hump day, some saying we're half way there, some saying we've only gotten half way depends on your perspective, can you guess which i side with?)
the weekend (what one is doing, what one is going to do)
compliments (i am more and more frequently discovering that this is just to fill up spaces of silence rather then genuine apprecaition for another's blouse or briefcase)
and that's about all, if known well enough one may inquire about an upcoming vacation or family member previously mentioned, but that is all. which is fine and good, but imagine having these 1 minute conversations for 480 minutes of your day. Yeah, i did the math.
i've read over 20 books so far though, i dont know if thats a good thing, or a sad thing. probably the latter.
my sleeping pattern is out of wack as well, i go to bed anytime between 7pm and 4 a.m., and wake up at 7 a.m. monday through friday. the weekends aren't even fun anymore because i'm too tired to do anything, so i dont make plans with intentions to sleep, but inevitably wake up at 9 anyway, its awful.
i wish i had money to go on vacation, everyone has gone on at least one, or has plans for one. I dont remember going on vacation last summer either, because going to colorado for my sister's wedding most certainly didnt count, but it was a break at least. this summer there shan't be any of that. the first half of it i didnt do anything, with anyone, ever, because everyone was in school then, it's just my luck, or perhaps it was all intended that way, i wouldnt be surprised.
i hope my schedule stays the way it is for the fall and iget good teachers, i really dont feel like replanning out my semester again.
i wish i had someone to talk to on the phone at night, like in highschool. i think about highschool alot more then i ever did before, i guess it has alot to do with being home, and with those people. But i should have listened to my sister when she said that she would give anything to trade with me, and she's right nothing was better when you look back, and it always makes me wonder if the people who say the same about college are right, we spend all our time trying to get to the next step and never enjoying the plataeu we're on. with my job, i keep hours similar to that of highschool, at least as far as sleeping goes, but i dont remember being tired the way i am now back then. for the most part i've always liked going to school, there were days where there was too much drama or hw but hey it was fun. but i would talk on the phone till 1 or 2 a.m. and wouldnt be so exhausted the next day, not that i have anyone to talk on the phone with these days that is.
i've given up and given in, to harry potter the books and movies, mainly because i have to have something to read at work, but i will only read books of movies i've seen otherwise i get too confused.
....book break....
The security guy has hands like daddy, its creepy, especially since he already kind of looked like him from the moment i met him. similar mannerisms as well. which got me thinking about reincarnation. or replacement really, like if someone dies could their spirit (thats a really inaccurate shitty word what i mean is that person minus their physical body) inhabit someone else, and if it does would we know? could it be an animal? like could Jelly really be my dad? i dont know this is what goes on inside my head.
i've decided to have living wakes, instead of birthdays from now on. And if i ever die i'll know what people said or thought, and people wont have to worry about not seeing me or each other again until that sad occasion because i see that alot, and i think thats horrible. and when i do die, the real wake will be modeled after whatever kind of party was thrown for my birthday/living wake. i think thats much more interesting, people are probably going to tell me its morbid, but fine they dont have to come to my funeral.
we get food deliveries alot, and there is often this one older gentlemen. Imagine that a 70 year old delivery "boy"....is that not depressing to you? it is to me.
i need a pretty notebook, but a tiny one just to jot down all the wierd crap that goes on in my brain throughout the day to help me with my writing in the fall, and i guess generally in life, it'd probably help me sort out my thoughts as well. plus i really like the idea of all my wierd and usually melancholy thoughts on parchment, or lightly pasteled flower paper.
i'm easily frustrated today, the jobs i've had, dance, hostess, and receptionist always required a great deal of patience, and even though i'm sure everyone i know thinks i severely lack that, i consider myself to be quite patient. however, these jobs always being placed in a position that lacks authority, but to a proletarian seems as though i'm the girl with all the answers which is incredibly overwhelming.
i feel lonlier and lonlier each day.
I have this habit, this horrific habit of always getting my hopes up. about events, friends, relationships, trips, anything and everything. No matter how many times i tell myself its not going to be what i want or hope, or try to convince myself of the million things that i'm sure to go wrong (which inevitably do), it never works. These romantic comedy film like thoughts seep into my mind. I've done it since i was a kid. I think its my overactive imagination, it was helpful as a lonely child but all it does is as a twenty-something is impede happiness. Even makes feigning contenment difficult anymore, maybe in older age i'm deciding that i care even less then i did as a child.
I can barely remember my dad anymore, its like he doesnt and didnt ever exist, i hear myself talking about him to people but its a memory and only that, no more to be had or made and quoted later on. i think, with each birthday more and more about the things i wish i could learn from him or ask of him rather then other people. Its strange to consider that i think about this person for 8 hours out of 24 and yet i cant remember him? Does that make sense, i think about him, in past and future and sort of present tenses but i am forgetting him? And no one effin gets it. I asked my little cousins the other day about the night he died. They were at the party, it was wierd to hear someone else tell the story.And it got me thinking about my story of it, and just the night itself, and how different things are now, the friends i have now versus the friends i had then, and relationships with family members and i dont know my whole world, II was completely different. i wonder if i'd be better or worse if he was here. guess i'll never know.
i wonder what daddy'd say about Jelly or kyle, or my life, or my major. Which is an entirely other gargantuan issue in itself. I'm screwdiddlydiddled. i have no desire to pursue any sort of career, i hate challenges and i hate trying, or working at something i'm not already good at. Not too many people are familair with my area of major so no one ever really asks too many questions, but when i get around people who are, or kyle it just makes me feel so unaccomplished. A feeling that grows within me daily surrounded with my highschool friends here at home for the summer cristi is practically a nurse, mikey could be employed but isnt, everyone is in this world i dont get to be in, and god knows if i'll ever make it there. its funny that i dont talk to anyone from tally, accept maybe one sporadic person a week.
i have all these plans for fall, gym, work, school, dinner parties, blah blah. but there all only apart of my cloudy imagination i know the truth. i'll eat and make notecards and sit with jelly all day if i can help it. especially now that ive ostrasized myself from society with where i'm living, its nice enough but... its far... boonies far.
aside from anna and ryan, all the couples i know have broken up, they were long relationships too, some from highschool, its not comforting.
everyone likes there job this summer, and if they dont like it, they at least only have to go to it for 3 or 4 days a week. i'm getting paid better then most, but i feel like i'm really earning it, not just in physical dollars but in time. I've only recently forced my self to hang out with everyone no matter how much i dont really want to, but they all go to the beach all the time, and go to lunch together in the middle of the day? Do you know who i go to lunch with? myself, or myself and my mom, who just smokes the whole time.
my breathing gets more and more labored each day, i dont know what that means, maybe i have asthma? my ankle still hurts from moving into my apartment a month ago, i stopped complaining about it around my mom though she'd just make me go to the doctor and thats the last thing i'd want.
i'm working on acquiring vastly underrated skill: the art of small talk.
This is what most small talk/ chit-chat consists of in the workplace:
the weather (its bright, its hot, its rainy, and one's lack of weather appropriate accessories (sunglasses, umbrella, etc).
the day of the week (i'm serious about this one, 10 or 12 people a day literally say "its monday" (generally accompanied with a big sigh), "its wednesday" (then a joke about hump day, some saying we're half way there, some saying we've only gotten half way depends on your perspective, can you guess which i side with?)
the weekend (what one is doing, what one is going to do)
compliments (i am more and more frequently discovering that this is just to fill up spaces of silence rather then genuine apprecaition for another's blouse or briefcase)
and that's about all, if known well enough one may inquire about an upcoming vacation or family member previously mentioned, but that is all. which is fine and good, but imagine having these 1 minute conversations for 480 minutes of your day. Yeah, i did the math.
i've read over 20 books so far though, i dont know if thats a good thing, or a sad thing. probably the latter.
my sleeping pattern is out of wack as well, i go to bed anytime between 7pm and 4 a.m., and wake up at 7 a.m. monday through friday. the weekends aren't even fun anymore because i'm too tired to do anything, so i dont make plans with intentions to sleep, but inevitably wake up at 9 anyway, its awful.
i wish i had money to go on vacation, everyone has gone on at least one, or has plans for one. I dont remember going on vacation last summer either, because going to colorado for my sister's wedding most certainly didnt count, but it was a break at least. this summer there shan't be any of that. the first half of it i didnt do anything, with anyone, ever, because everyone was in school then, it's just my luck, or perhaps it was all intended that way, i wouldnt be surprised.
i hope my schedule stays the way it is for the fall and iget good teachers, i really dont feel like replanning out my semester again.
i wish i had someone to talk to on the phone at night, like in highschool. i think about highschool alot more then i ever did before, i guess it has alot to do with being home, and with those people. But i should have listened to my sister when she said that she would give anything to trade with me, and she's right nothing was better when you look back, and it always makes me wonder if the people who say the same about college are right, we spend all our time trying to get to the next step and never enjoying the plataeu we're on. with my job, i keep hours similar to that of highschool, at least as far as sleeping goes, but i dont remember being tired the way i am now back then. for the most part i've always liked going to school, there were days where there was too much drama or hw but hey it was fun. but i would talk on the phone till 1 or 2 a.m. and wouldnt be so exhausted the next day, not that i have anyone to talk on the phone with these days that is.
i've given up and given in, to harry potter the books and movies, mainly because i have to have something to read at work, but i will only read books of movies i've seen otherwise i get too confused.
....book break....
The security guy has hands like daddy, its creepy, especially since he already kind of looked like him from the moment i met him. similar mannerisms as well. which got me thinking about reincarnation. or replacement really, like if someone dies could their spirit (thats a really inaccurate shitty word what i mean is that person minus their physical body) inhabit someone else, and if it does would we know? could it be an animal? like could Jelly really be my dad? i dont know this is what goes on inside my head.
i've decided to have living wakes, instead of birthdays from now on. And if i ever die i'll know what people said or thought, and people wont have to worry about not seeing me or each other again until that sad occasion because i see that alot, and i think thats horrible. and when i do die, the real wake will be modeled after whatever kind of party was thrown for my birthday/living wake. i think thats much more interesting, people are probably going to tell me its morbid, but fine they dont have to come to my funeral.
we get food deliveries alot, and there is often this one older gentlemen. Imagine that a 70 year old delivery "boy"....is that not depressing to you? it is to me.
i need a pretty notebook, but a tiny one just to jot down all the wierd crap that goes on in my brain throughout the day to help me with my writing in the fall, and i guess generally in life, it'd probably help me sort out my thoughts as well. plus i really like the idea of all my wierd and usually melancholy thoughts on parchment, or lightly pasteled flower paper.
i'm easily frustrated today, the jobs i've had, dance, hostess, and receptionist always required a great deal of patience, and even though i'm sure everyone i know thinks i severely lack that, i consider myself to be quite patient. however, these jobs always being placed in a position that lacks authority, but to a proletarian seems as though i'm the girl with all the answers which is incredibly overwhelming.
i feel lonlier and lonlier each day.