"my mind is flooded with protest... days have passed and you're not here.."
i keep hoping that the more i tell myself i'm ok, the easier it will get. honestly, i just really want to throw a childish temper tantrum. kicking, screaming and crying. i'm at the anger stage. i'm normally a very laid back, relaxed person. i can't believe i'm really this angry. i didn't think i had it in me.
i can't wait for jeff to move out. i never thought i'd say that and yes, it is going to be one of the tougher moments of my life, but at this point i need the release. i can't stand seeing him get 'the smile' the one that used to be reserved for me when i said something funny or flirty or cute to him. i HATE the fact that i've totally facebook creeped the girl he is starting to date and comparing myself to him. i hate it that i know he calls her all the time and that he gets the smile and i KNOW its her that has texted him. i want to claw out her eyes.
i HATE the fact that i know they are going out to the heuther tomorrow night for a date. i seriously want to claw out my own eyes. i'm not an angry person and i refuse to become one. i just... have so much anger.
i'm angry that he brought me to the city. i'm angry that he got down on one knee, told me that he loved me and that he wanted me to be his wife and then took the ring back. i'm angry that he promised me the world. i'm angry that i need to date again. that he broke my heart. that we couldn't work it out.
i'm angry that i still don't have my fucking happily ever after.
most of all, i'm angry at myself. i'm so very angry at myself for still loving him with every fibre of my being. for the little piece of me that wishes he'd change his mind. that i still do nice things for him. that i still think of him far too often every day. i wonder how he's doing. what he's doing. who he's with. if he is ok.
i don't want to be an angry, crazy person.
i can't wait for jeff to move out. i never thought i'd say that and yes, it is going to be one of the tougher moments of my life, but at this point i need the release. i can't stand seeing him get 'the smile' the one that used to be reserved for me when i said something funny or flirty or cute to him. i HATE the fact that i've totally facebook creeped the girl he is starting to date and comparing myself to him. i hate it that i know he calls her all the time and that he gets the smile and i KNOW its her that has texted him. i want to claw out her eyes.
i HATE the fact that i know they are going out to the heuther tomorrow night for a date. i seriously want to claw out my own eyes. i'm not an angry person and i refuse to become one. i just... have so much anger.
i'm angry that he brought me to the city. i'm angry that he got down on one knee, told me that he loved me and that he wanted me to be his wife and then took the ring back. i'm angry that he promised me the world. i'm angry that i need to date again. that he broke my heart. that we couldn't work it out.
i'm angry that i still don't have my fucking happily ever after.
most of all, i'm angry at myself. i'm so very angry at myself for still loving him with every fibre of my being. for the little piece of me that wishes he'd change his mind. that i still do nice things for him. that i still think of him far too often every day. i wonder how he's doing. what he's doing. who he's with. if he is ok.
i don't want to be an angry, crazy person.