(no subject)

Mar 05, 2007 12:29

Ugh. My agent liked my hair as is. I hate it. It looks ugly.
Had another bad night out of nowhere. I hope she hears me cry. I know i spent years perfecting silent crying, but i hope she hears me so she knows how much she's hurting us. I want more than anything to hate my mom. I want to be able to look her in the eye and say "You're a heartless bitch, get lost" and i want to be able to look my dad in the eye and say "You're better off without the bitch, let her go"
The thing i'm dreading most of all is my siblings finding out. They're not going to take it nearly as well as i did, and i didn't take it very well at all.
Every time i look out over our yard, the garden, or when i look around the house and the pictures of our family, i think "how can she want to leave all this?"
I want to hate her. But i know she's hurt. I may not think she has a reason to feel hurt, but regardless of that, she is feeling hurt. In her own weird little world (i wonder what color the sky is in her world?) she is a victim. And hating her and being angry at her will only make her more hurt.
She's getting stubborn and sullen. I don't think she counted on my dad making a drastic turnaround and becoming husband of the year. I don't think she counted on a lot of things.
She's selling her porcelain bird collection. She says she's only selling some of them because she has too many. I know why she's selling them. She's building up her money so she can move out. What really burns is that those birds are my inheritance. That's just cold. First you tell me we were all so horrible to you that you don't want to be part of our family anymore, and now you're selling off my inheritance to fulfill your own selfish needs? I guess she really doesn't want to be my mom anymore.
I know it seems like i'm making my mom out to be worse than Hitler right now. I thought for a long time about that. When you're all out of energy your mind takes some odd turns. Hitler was wrong. He was as wrong as anyone in history has ever been wrong. There aren't words to describe how wrong he was, killing all those innocent people. But was he evil? Evil is when you knowingly hurt people for your own selfish gain. You know you're doing something horrible and you do it anyway. That's evil. Hitler could very well have been evil, but there's an equally good chance that, everything he did, he did for the good of his country. In his heart of hearts, there's a chance that he honestly believed that he was acting in the "greater good". He was wrong, but he believed he was right. I'll never know what went on inside that crazy man's head, but there's a chance that's how it was. There's a chance he wasn't acting selfishly, but for the good of his country.
And if that's true, then yeah, my mom is worse than hitler. And i still can't bring myself to hate her.
But i'm just venting.
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