Realize
Title: Realize
Beta: tvfxq
Rating: PG
Genre: Romance, Angst
Summary: I think…it’s time for you to know something.
I think…it’s time for you to know something.
We’re going to university, and you’ve yet to tell me where you’re going. I know where I’m going, and really, I suppose I’ve always known (except in issues in regards to you), but you’re still a mystery.
Will I ever know where you’re going? Probably not.
That’s the difference between the two of us really. One of us falls into a mold, while the other does not. I’m sure you know where you belong…or well, where you don’t belong. I mean, sure I tried thinking back in grade school that we’d be friends forever. It worked, didn’t it? We were best friends, you and I did practically everything together. I was the brother you never had.
I don’t know if you remember, but one day, you told me you loved me.
As a kid, it really didn’t mean anything. I laughed, you punched me on the shoulder, and then we resumed shooting whatever it was we were shooting on the television. Maybe after, we went over to that run down house where we always hung out back then.
It’s easy for things to go on in grade school - being friends is easy. It’s not complicated at all, but as we grew up, things got harder.
When we reached high school, I’m sure you noticed things changed. Everyone loved you of course. You matured physically much faster than I did…or well, at least you tried to show everyone that you did. You had the face and the personality - and I on the other hand…well, I was just me. I wasn’t anything special.
People flocked to you, and then there was a gap between us. I found my own small niche of friends, and you were rapidly taken into a different group. I wanted us to work out, and I know you did too. We both tried - but things are different in high school, social cliques and whatever. The differences play against us. You go to parties, I don’t. You get hundreds of things for Valentines’ day, I don’t.
Your friends… well some of them are assholes, but I’m sure not all of them are. I can see the way they look at you when you say you want to go to my house instead of theirs, and I don’t pretend that I’m deaf when they question our friendship - hell, even my friends question our friendship. Is it really that weird…?
Yeah, I guess it is. Even for me, I think it’s weird. Sure, you still come over…but things aren’t the same. Maybe I’m just over thinking…but, you tell me I’m your best friend, but do you still believe that?
Even I don’t know if you’re my best friend anymore. Things feel weird, and…I have to blame myself for that. It’s partially my fault that there’s this distance between us. I mean, how do I even explain to you?
I love you.
It’s not the same, not the same at all to how it was when you told me back when we were kids. I love you - I want to marry you, I want to be with you, I want to take care of you, I love you.
I can’t explain how it started, it just did. I fell into it as easily as you fall over your own feet. I just realized one day in our sophomore year. I was playing ice hockey with some of my friends - a sport I never really grew out of, and a sport I know you always hated to play, and all of a sudden you showed up to the rink. I was surprised - I heard there was some party at Siwon’s house, but I tried not to show it. I helped you tie your laces, you cracked jokes about me looking like a polar bear or something, and when you got to the ice, you just stood still.
It was kind of awkward, my friends aren’t used to you, and it wasn’t like you were talking either. You just stood there, and after a few minutes of my friends and I awkwardly passing the puck around, you asked if you could talk to me - alone.
I said yes immediately - eager to find out what was wrong and to let my friends play in peace, and I followed you out after we’d both untied our shoes. I bought you banana milk - your favorite, and we sat out on the sidewalk. You didn’t say anything, and you simply stared out into the sidewalk.
Honestly, I didn’t know what to say either. You know me, I’m never good with words. But as usual, you spoke first. You told me that someone asked you out, and you didn’t know what to do. I was confused, because you’d gone out with people before - dates that never really amounted to anything. What was so different this time?
I felt uneasy - that something had changed between you and I yet again, yet I said nothing. Being the coward that I am, I told you that if you liked the person, then you should go out with her. You asked me if it was okay - if the person was actually a guy, and I said yes, and then you hugged me so tightly and cried.
It was at that moment, I knew I loved you. I realized how much I cared about you. Is that weird? It’s not that I was jealous, although I know I kind of was and still am, it’s just…all I really want is for you to be happy. At that moment, I understood what it was to be more than just a friend - when you want so much more for another person that it’s actually more than you could ever possibly give.
With that realization, inside, I kind of wanted to cry as well - that you wouldn’t really understand what I feel for you, or well, perhaps you will when you read this letter. I mean, my sexuality is something I’ve never really discussed with you…is it? I mean, I think you probably think I’m asexual or something, after all I never go out with anyone. My parents and friends know I’m gay, but do you…?
I wonder.
At that point, I decided that it would be best if I backed away from you. Most of the time, I was more than happy to try to keep our friendship together, but…I realized then how we were drifting apart, in more ways than one. More people would like you - it’s inevitable really, and I’d only get hurt sticking around. My pride wouldn’t be able to take it. To know that you would only see me as a brother…while you went around with others, I didn’t think I’d be able to take it.
So I decided to slowly stop fighting the things that were trying to pull us apart.
Please don’t think it was easy for me to slowly let go of you. Whenever my family asked why you stopped coming around so often, it was hard for me to answer. I was so used to playing a certain kind of role in your life, and it hurt me to see you find other people to make up for what was now gone.
But you kept coming back to me, and as much as I hate to admit it, I was secretly overjoyed. No matter how much I was trying, you refused to let things just simply die out between us. Because of that, I decided to just stop pushing you away like I’d been doing for the previous months - other things would pull us apart, so I had to just enjoy as much time with you as I had as possible.
Things went on, you came over to steal my music and my food. I still don’t understand why you always ask me for songs - really, with all the people you hang around with, I’m sure they’d be more than happy to share things with you. But whatever, I’m happy being like this, being with you.
I don’t know what I take from you aside from your time, but I guess I don’t take after your fashion sense, huh?
If you’re wondering why I wrote this letter, I’m finally getting to that point.
You see…the time for us to part has come, and one of your sisters told me that you’re thinking of studying abroad. So, I figure it was time for me to come clean to you. I’m not strong enough or confident enough to do this in person, so I’ll be giving this to you, and you can read this when you’re a thousand miles away.
You don’t have to do anything with this really. You can throw it away, and you don’t have to acknowledge it when you come back. I just…I just needed you to know, so that I can move on with my life.
Is that selfish?
Please, as your best friend, forgive this one selfish moment. I’m just a fool, after all, you’ve already told me that a thousand times - though, I think you meant it jokingly, but whatever. I’m a fool, really. You just can’t seem to realize that.
As I end this, the last thing I want you to know is…thank you. Thank you for everything and everything you haven’t given me. I’ll never forget you, and I know…I just know you’ll find whatever it is in life that you want. You’ll make mistakes, you’ll fall, but…I know you’ll get up again and succeed.
You are who you are - and nothing will change that, ever.
o-o-o
Yunho stared at his letter then quickly folded it. He inserted it into the envelope he had on his desk, and just as he was about to slip it into his desk, the door to his room opened.
“Surprise!”
Jaejoong came in, hair newly dyed a wine shade of red, and he smiled at the other brilliantly before he sat down on the other’s bed and made himself comfortable, “I finally decided where I want to study.”
“…and where’s that?” Yunho asked.
“Where you’re studying,” Jaejoong said with a laugh. “Is it weird? I really didn’t mean to follow you or anything but - “ he paused mid-sentence, his eyes landing onto the envelope. “What’s that?”
Yunho opened his drawer and placed the envelope inside before he turned around to face Jaejoong.
“Nothing, nothing at all.”
Author’s Note: So, this is actually a prequel to a story that I’ll hopefully start writing and posting as soon as it’s summer for me~ ^^ What did you think of the experimentation with first person? XD I hope this makes you guys look forward to the chaptered story, and I hope you all enjoyed this story as well. Also look out for an update of A Learning Process, it’s coming to an end soon! As usual, thank you for reading and commenting~ ♥
Beta: tvfxq
Rating: PG
Genre: Romance, Angst
Summary: I think…it’s time for you to know something.
I think…it’s time for you to know something.
We’re going to university, and you’ve yet to tell me where you’re going. I know where I’m going, and really, I suppose I’ve always known (except in issues in regards to you), but you’re still a mystery.
Will I ever know where you’re going? Probably not.
That’s the difference between the two of us really. One of us falls into a mold, while the other does not. I’m sure you know where you belong…or well, where you don’t belong. I mean, sure I tried thinking back in grade school that we’d be friends forever. It worked, didn’t it? We were best friends, you and I did practically everything together. I was the brother you never had.
I don’t know if you remember, but one day, you told me you loved me.
As a kid, it really didn’t mean anything. I laughed, you punched me on the shoulder, and then we resumed shooting whatever it was we were shooting on the television. Maybe after, we went over to that run down house where we always hung out back then.
It’s easy for things to go on in grade school - being friends is easy. It’s not complicated at all, but as we grew up, things got harder.
When we reached high school, I’m sure you noticed things changed. Everyone loved you of course. You matured physically much faster than I did…or well, at least you tried to show everyone that you did. You had the face and the personality - and I on the other hand…well, I was just me. I wasn’t anything special.
People flocked to you, and then there was a gap between us. I found my own small niche of friends, and you were rapidly taken into a different group. I wanted us to work out, and I know you did too. We both tried - but things are different in high school, social cliques and whatever. The differences play against us. You go to parties, I don’t. You get hundreds of things for Valentines’ day, I don’t.
Your friends… well some of them are assholes, but I’m sure not all of them are. I can see the way they look at you when you say you want to go to my house instead of theirs, and I don’t pretend that I’m deaf when they question our friendship - hell, even my friends question our friendship. Is it really that weird…?
Yeah, I guess it is. Even for me, I think it’s weird. Sure, you still come over…but things aren’t the same. Maybe I’m just over thinking…but, you tell me I’m your best friend, but do you still believe that?
Even I don’t know if you’re my best friend anymore. Things feel weird, and…I have to blame myself for that. It’s partially my fault that there’s this distance between us. I mean, how do I even explain to you?
I love you.
It’s not the same, not the same at all to how it was when you told me back when we were kids. I love you - I want to marry you, I want to be with you, I want to take care of you, I love you.
I can’t explain how it started, it just did. I fell into it as easily as you fall over your own feet. I just realized one day in our sophomore year. I was playing ice hockey with some of my friends - a sport I never really grew out of, and a sport I know you always hated to play, and all of a sudden you showed up to the rink. I was surprised - I heard there was some party at Siwon’s house, but I tried not to show it. I helped you tie your laces, you cracked jokes about me looking like a polar bear or something, and when you got to the ice, you just stood still.
It was kind of awkward, my friends aren’t used to you, and it wasn’t like you were talking either. You just stood there, and after a few minutes of my friends and I awkwardly passing the puck around, you asked if you could talk to me - alone.
I said yes immediately - eager to find out what was wrong and to let my friends play in peace, and I followed you out after we’d both untied our shoes. I bought you banana milk - your favorite, and we sat out on the sidewalk. You didn’t say anything, and you simply stared out into the sidewalk.
Honestly, I didn’t know what to say either. You know me, I’m never good with words. But as usual, you spoke first. You told me that someone asked you out, and you didn’t know what to do. I was confused, because you’d gone out with people before - dates that never really amounted to anything. What was so different this time?
I felt uneasy - that something had changed between you and I yet again, yet I said nothing. Being the coward that I am, I told you that if you liked the person, then you should go out with her. You asked me if it was okay - if the person was actually a guy, and I said yes, and then you hugged me so tightly and cried.
It was at that moment, I knew I loved you. I realized how much I cared about you. Is that weird? It’s not that I was jealous, although I know I kind of was and still am, it’s just…all I really want is for you to be happy. At that moment, I understood what it was to be more than just a friend - when you want so much more for another person that it’s actually more than you could ever possibly give.
With that realization, inside, I kind of wanted to cry as well - that you wouldn’t really understand what I feel for you, or well, perhaps you will when you read this letter. I mean, my sexuality is something I’ve never really discussed with you…is it? I mean, I think you probably think I’m asexual or something, after all I never go out with anyone. My parents and friends know I’m gay, but do you…?
I wonder.
At that point, I decided that it would be best if I backed away from you. Most of the time, I was more than happy to try to keep our friendship together, but…I realized then how we were drifting apart, in more ways than one. More people would like you - it’s inevitable really, and I’d only get hurt sticking around. My pride wouldn’t be able to take it. To know that you would only see me as a brother…while you went around with others, I didn’t think I’d be able to take it.
So I decided to slowly stop fighting the things that were trying to pull us apart.
Please don’t think it was easy for me to slowly let go of you. Whenever my family asked why you stopped coming around so often, it was hard for me to answer. I was so used to playing a certain kind of role in your life, and it hurt me to see you find other people to make up for what was now gone.
But you kept coming back to me, and as much as I hate to admit it, I was secretly overjoyed. No matter how much I was trying, you refused to let things just simply die out between us. Because of that, I decided to just stop pushing you away like I’d been doing for the previous months - other things would pull us apart, so I had to just enjoy as much time with you as I had as possible.
Things went on, you came over to steal my music and my food. I still don’t understand why you always ask me for songs - really, with all the people you hang around with, I’m sure they’d be more than happy to share things with you. But whatever, I’m happy being like this, being with you.
I don’t know what I take from you aside from your time, but I guess I don’t take after your fashion sense, huh?
If you’re wondering why I wrote this letter, I’m finally getting to that point.
You see…the time for us to part has come, and one of your sisters told me that you’re thinking of studying abroad. So, I figure it was time for me to come clean to you. I’m not strong enough or confident enough to do this in person, so I’ll be giving this to you, and you can read this when you’re a thousand miles away.
You don’t have to do anything with this really. You can throw it away, and you don’t have to acknowledge it when you come back. I just…I just needed you to know, so that I can move on with my life.
Is that selfish?
Please, as your best friend, forgive this one selfish moment. I’m just a fool, after all, you’ve already told me that a thousand times - though, I think you meant it jokingly, but whatever. I’m a fool, really. You just can’t seem to realize that.
As I end this, the last thing I want you to know is…thank you. Thank you for everything and everything you haven’t given me. I’ll never forget you, and I know…I just know you’ll find whatever it is in life that you want. You’ll make mistakes, you’ll fall, but…I know you’ll get up again and succeed.
You are who you are - and nothing will change that, ever.
o-o-o
Yunho stared at his letter then quickly folded it. He inserted it into the envelope he had on his desk, and just as he was about to slip it into his desk, the door to his room opened.
“Surprise!”
Jaejoong came in, hair newly dyed a wine shade of red, and he smiled at the other brilliantly before he sat down on the other’s bed and made himself comfortable, “I finally decided where I want to study.”
“…and where’s that?” Yunho asked.
“Where you’re studying,” Jaejoong said with a laugh. “Is it weird? I really didn’t mean to follow you or anything but - “ he paused mid-sentence, his eyes landing onto the envelope. “What’s that?”
Yunho opened his drawer and placed the envelope inside before he turned around to face Jaejoong.
“Nothing, nothing at all.”
Author’s Note: So, this is actually a prequel to a story that I’ll hopefully start writing and posting as soon as it’s summer for me~ ^^ What did you think of the experimentation with first person? XD I hope this makes you guys look forward to the chaptered story, and I hope you all enjoyed this story as well. Also look out for an update of A Learning Process, it’s coming to an end soon! As usual, thank you for reading and commenting~ ♥