For You [5/?]
Title: For You
Pairing: Yunho/Jaejoong
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Romance, Drama, Angst
Summary: His life turned around the moment he met Yunho.
As he waited for Changmin, he drummed his fingers on the table due to his boredom. Yunho was wrapped up in a case and from how tired he’d sounded in a phone call made the previous night, it seemed like he would be busy for quite a while.
So Jaejoong decided it was time for him to be a little more independent and that he’d been wrong in distancing himself from his friends again. Apparently Yunho hadn’t really told anyone they were dating, and Jaejoong could only say the same for himself. He hadn’t told anyone aside from his sister - it just never really came up.
It only dawned on him that today was a good opportunity to tell Changmin.
He just wasn’t sure how though.
“Have you been waiting for long?” Changmin asked as he took the seat across from Jaejoong. “There was some kind of accident and I got caught up in heavy traffic because of it.”
“No, not really.”
“I’m so hungry.” The younger man said as he looked through the menu, “I feel like I haven’t eaten in forever.”
“You’re always hungry.” Jaejoong replied as he fiddled with his hands and ignored the death glare from Changmin. “Anyway, I just -“
Changmin set down his menu, “Have you been seeing someone lately?” he asked seriously, his eyes focused on Jaejoong. “I swear I’ve been getting your secretary each time I call your office, and your phone is always off.”
“I -“ Jaejoong stuttered, and he didn’t know why he was so worried about telling him. It wasn’t like Changmin was homophobic; he was aware of Jaejoong’s sexual preferences and seeing as he’d known Yunho for longer, he was probably aware that Yunho was gay too. As Jaejoong’s thoughts ran through his head, it was like the words he’d planned out had suddenly disappeared.
Changmin pointed at him accusingly, “I knew it!” he laughed, “While Yoochun and Junsu were just getting worried that you were depressed again, I knew you were dating someone.”
“I’m not.” He muttered just so Changmin’s know-it-all look would get wiped off his face, but he knew he was smiling so it wasn’t like he was any bit convincing.
“The question is, who.”
Jaejoong shrugged as a waitress came to take their orders. He ignored Changmin’s interrogation and told her his order. Changmin frowned but let go of it for a minute to tell the waitress his order as well. As soon as she was gone, he continued.
“I don’t have to -“ his phone began ringing, and both of their eyes focused on the gadget that was placed between them on the table. Before Jaejoong could grab his phone, Changmin already had it in his hands.
He looked down at the screen and narrowed his eyes, “You have Yunho’s number?”
“There’s someone in our -“
Changmin answered, “Yunho! Hi. I was just wondering, do you want to go out for drinks later?” he asked as he ignored Jaejoong’s glare. “Yeah, it’s been awhile, I know. I’ve been busy.”
He nodded his head as Yunho replied, and Jaejoong just wanted to throw something at his head.
“Oh yeah, I was wondering. How well do you know Jaejoong?” Changmin shot Jaejoong an evil smile, “Really? Well, I just wanted to ask about something.”
“Changmin -“
“Do you know who he’s dating?”
Jaejoong burst out into laughter, and Changmin’s evil look disappeared completely. He looked confused and his hand lowered, giving Jaejoong the perfect opportunity to grab the phone back.
“I’ll explain this later.” Jaejoong whispered quickly before he hung up on his boyfriend.
“I don’t -“
“Yunho. I’m dating Yunho.” Jaejoong replied in order to spare Changmin any more minutes of confusion. He laughed at Changmin’s irritated expression and reached over to pat his hand. “I’ve been seeing him for awhile.”
“Why didn’t I know?”
“You know now.”
Changmin rolled his eyes and kept his frown in place. “Do Yoochun and Junsu know?”
“No, they don’t.”
His mood perked up considerably, and he smiled happily. “I’m first then. Good. I’ll rub this in their faces when they find out.” He paused, “Could you call the waitress again? I want to get myself a victory cake for finding out first.”
Jaejoong laughed and signaled the waitress.
o-o-o
Jaejoong sat down next to his father in the hotel bar and waited for him to say something. He knew it wasn’t going to be something he’d like, so he’d already drunk a few glasses of wine before he showed up.
“I heard you’re a bit behind in terms of work.”
He nodded - it was the truth after all. “Yes, I am, but it’s -“
His father glanced at him, “I thought we agreed about you getting set straight on a better path this time around. I actually believed you were getting rid of that old image of yours for a change.”
“I am.” Jaejoong replied, his voice cold. “I’m not the stupid boy trying to prove something to you anymore.”
“Oh.” The older man’s look was disbelieving, “I thought this was just another act of rebellion coming from you. Lord knows what I had to deal with when you were younger. The drinking, the flings and all the chaos you chose to create. I still don’t see why you always felt to be so disruptive.”
“I felt that way because you were an asshole.” Jaejoong snapped as his blood boiled, his fist clenched in fury. “You thought it was fun to plan out what I did in life and to make sure I had no say in anything. You liked to control -“
“It was for the best. You were, no, you are absolutely lacking in control and direction.”
“I’d be more aware of what to do with myself now if you hadn’t been such a dictator in the past. I only made those poor decisions in the past so I could spite you.”
His father took a sip of his wine, “I’m well aware of that. You should be glad I still support you even -“
“Financial support will never make up for your lack of parenting.” Jaejoong replied, his voice more calm as he controlled his fury. “It’s actually why I decided to meet with you today. I don’t need that bank account you set up for me.”
Jaejoong’s father set his glass down and looked at him properly, “Are you sure about that? You won’t see any of the money again.”
“I haven’t used it in a long time, I won’t mind if it’s gone. I want to start my life again, and I want to make sure I do it more independently this time.”
“Do you want me to remove you from my will then?” his father asked seriously as he averted his eyes from Jaejoong, “Do you want me to cut you off from the family and to disown you? If you don’t intend on being a part of this family, I’d be ready to draw up the legal -“
Jaejoong cut in, “That’s up to you.” He said as he stepped off the bar stool he’d been sitting on. “I just want to be more independent. Removing me from your will and disowning me are decisions for you to make.”
He made his way to leave, but his father called for him to stop.
“If this little venture into independence fails, don’t expect me to help you again. I may have been patient with you before, but everyone has a limit. I’ve reached mine with you tonight.”
Jaejoong pulled his coat around his body tighter and tried to muster as much confidence he could, “I won’t need your help, and I won’t fail.” He said coldly before he walked out into the chilly evening air.
o-o-o
“The client didn’t approve of your design. Apparently it was too costly and didn’t go with what they were looking for.”
Jaejoong stared down at his desk and didn’t bother to look up at his boss. “Why didn’t they talk to me directly? They were working with me -“
“Apparently they found your people skills lacking.”
“My people skills are lacking? If they wanted one of those stupid chatty types then they should’ve gone somewhere else - my job is not to chat about trivial matters. If that man didn’t like my work just because I didn’t flirt with -“ “Don’t make this a big issue Jaejoong.” His boss muttered. “Your father can’t win over everyone -“
Jaejoong got out of his seat, furious. “This has nothing to do with him. You know what? I quit. This is my last day here, I’m resigning. I’ll get all my stuff and I’ll be out of here in an hour.”
The older man stared at him, stunned and waiting for Jaejoong to take back his words. When he realized Jaejoong was firm with his decision, he walked out of his office and explained the situation to Jaejoong’s assistant.
Jaejoong released a heavy breath and glanced at his things. He didn’t particularly want to bring anything, and he hadn’t brought much of any of his personal belongings into the office either, so there was no need to pack much.
He got his things and walked out, intending to make his way to the closest bar. He needed to drown out the terrible week with alcohol.
o-o-o
He ignored the buzzing of his phone in his pocket as he downed another glass of scotch and promptly ordered another. Jaejoong glanced at his watch and decided there was still time for two more glasses before he bothered to go home.
“Are you alone?”
Jaejoong glanced at the man and eyed him, noting how well dressed he was and the obvious look of interest in his eyes. “Yeah.” He answered curtly before taking a sip of his new drink.
“Can I buy you a drink?” the man asked, leaning in and smiling at Jaejoong flirtatiously, as his hand crept closer to Jaejoong’s.
He gave the man a one over, examining him from his slightly outdated haircut to his expensive looking shoes. While he was sure to be at least ten years older than himself, he was still rather handsome.
Jaejoong finished his glass, “Yeah, sure.” He paused and felt guilt rise at his throat as he remembered Yunho. The guilt was enough for him to wrench his hand out of the other man’s sly grip. “Wait, never mind. I’m leaving.”
The man took hold of his wrist, “So soon? I’m sure we could -“
His attention flickered to the ring on the man’s hand and his frown deepened. Jaejoong pulled away from the man sharply, “I don’t sleep with married men. Fuck off.” He hissed before walking out of the bar.
As soon as he was back out on the sidewalk, his vision blurred and he stumbled unsteadily. Jaejoong held a hand up to his forehead and breathed out slowly for a few minutes - the alcohol was getting to him.
He cursed and tried to find a taxi, but there were none in sight. His steps were unsteady, and he was getting doubtful of his ability to walk on his own, so he sat down immediately and took his phone out to call someone.
Four missed calls. Jaejoong ignored that and called Changmin.
“Can you drive me home?” he asked, wondering if his words had just sounded as slurred as he thought it did. “I want to go home.”
“Where the fuck have you been? Yunho’s been going crazy trying to contact you. You can’t act like an asshole to him when he’s been so good to -“
“I quit my job.”
Changmin’s shouting stopped for a few seconds, and his tone was noticeably nicer than when he had first entered the conversation. “What are you going to do now?”
Jaejoong leaned back into the bench and stared up at the night sky, “I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know how I’m going to apologize to Yunho for tonight. My brain’s spinning.”
“You’ve been drinking alone again.” He heard the sound of rustling on Changmin’s end and several more curse words. “Where are you? I’ll pick you up.”
Jaejoong sat straighter and looked around, “I think I’m in front of a road.”
“So useful.” Changmin muttered sarcastically before he added, “Anything else?”
“I’m going to call Yunho. Bye Minnie.” Jaejoong said before hanging up. He dialed Yunho’s number and waited for him to answer.
He was surprised when Yunho didn’t answer. Jaejoong looked down at his phone in surprise but easily pushed the worry away as he tried to concentrate on finding a bus stop.
“Jaejoong!”
He turned around sharply and was promptly greeted by Yunho’s warmth. The other man’s arms wrapped around him, and Jaejoong resisted the urge to wrap his arms around Yunho as well.
Jaejoong inhaled the scent of Yunho’s cologne and felt like he was about to melt in the other man’s strong embrace, but he was reminded of the man at the bar - of how easily he’d accepted the offer without thinking of Yunho.
He pushed Yunho away, “Leave me alone.”
“Jaejoong -“
“I said leave me alone!” Jaejoong shouted, “Go away!” he felt the tears prickling at the corners of his eyes, and he promptly wiped them away irritably. “I - I don’t want to see you, go away!”
He and Yunho stared at each other as Jaejoong tried to gather himself - his father was right, he had no control whatsoever. He always acted before he thought, and he always let his feelings take hold of his actions.
And each time, the overwhelming guilt would settle like an old friend, its hold on his mind always reminding him of his failures.
“I’m sorry.” Jaejoong whispered before he turned to walk away - he didn’t know where to, but he knew he just needed to leave.
He had to go before he ruined Yunho’s life with his continuous failures and lack of control over his feelings.
It was so hard to breathe, so hard to think, so hard to register what he was doing. It was like he was collapsing on the inside - like at any second his body would give in and implode.
He was too wrapped up in his thoughts that he barely registered the oncoming car.
All he could see were the bright lights, and all he could hear was the sound of the beeping horn - everything telling him to move.
But he was rooted onto the spot, his body not picking up on the signal to get out of the car’s way. Time was moving so slowly, he could barely comprehend anything that was happening - then all of a sudden, he was pulled out of the way.
Jaejoong knocked into Yunho’s firm chest, and he was once more enveloped in the warmth of the other man’s embrace.
“You’re so stupid.” Yunho whispered as he pulled Jaejoong impossibly closer, “And so, so, blind. Why don’t you understand?”
Jaejoong was silent, too stunned to do anything. He was giving in, his feelings overwhelming once again, but in a more positive light. It just felt right, to be there in Yunho’s arms.
He shut his eyes and leaned in closer.
For now, he would forget about his problems.
o-o-o
He woke up in Yunho’s bed.
Jaejoong glanced at Yunho, the other man snoring slightly and facing the other side. He placed the blanket over Yunho and left the bed, the mattress creaking slightly as he shifted his weight off the bed.
Yunho woke up, “Where are you going?” he asked, promptly sitting up. Sleep and tiredness was evident in his face, and Jaejoong stopped in his tracks. “I won’t allow you to run -“
“Breakfast.” Jaejoong replied quietly, as he realized that he was still wearing his clothes from the previous night. “I have to go -“
“No, you won’t be going anywhere.” Yunho interrupted as he pushed the blanket away and got off the bed. “I’ll go with you to the kitchen.”
“Yunho, it’s only six.”
“I don’t care.”
Jaejoong watched Yunho carefully, “Okay.” He replied, his voice barely above a whisper. “I’ll make you breakfast.”
“Okay then.”
They walked to the kitchen together, and Yunho sat down on a kitchen stool while Jaejoong took out a pan. As soon as he’d started toasting bread and had started frying eggs, he turned his head to look at Yunho.
He was asleep on the counter.
A small smile came on his lips, and he didn’t wake the other man. He finished cooking and placed the food on a plate, having prepared nothing for himself. He placed the plate in front of his sleeping boyfriend before he gently nudged his shoulder.
Yunho jerked upright, “What -“ he paused and looked down at the food that had been placed in front of him while he was asleep. “I’m sorry.” He muttered, “I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”
“I should be the one saying sorry.” Jaejoong murmured quietly as he stared down at the plate, avoiding Yunho’s eyes. “Last night was all my fault, I’m so sorry. You’ve been so nice to me and -“
“I love you.”
Jaejoong’s eyes widened in surprise, and he met Yunho’s gaze. “You do?” Yunho reached out and gently took hold of Jaejoong’s hand. He squeezed it reassuringly and never took his eyes off Jaejoong’s. “I love you.”
“I…”
“You don’t have to say it now.” Yunho continued, his gaze unwavering and filled with patience. “Just know Jaejoong, I’m here for you. Please, if something’s hurting you, I want to know. I’ll be here for you.”
The secret he’d been holding inside for so long was on the tip of his tongue, and his heart clenched in his chest as he considered the possibility of revealing it to Yunho.
He opened his mouth and nothing came out. All the guilt, the secrecy, the shame he’d been hiding for so long - he felt it resurfacing.
“I’m sorry.” Jaejoong whispered, his heart constricting in his chest. “Yunho…” he shut his eyes and pulled away, “I can’t. I’m sorry.”
“Jaejoong -“
“I can’t -“
“I’m sorry, don’t leave -“
Jaejoong began to leave the room, but as usual, Yunho was much quicker. He took hold of Jaejoong’s wrist, and Jaejoong found it too hard to struggle - his heart was screaming for him to tell Yunho, and it won over his impulse to run, to run away from his insecurities and fear of Yunho’s judgment.
Trust him.
He opened his mouth, and he felt the tears streaming down his cheeks.
“I tried to kill myself.”
< >
Author’s Note: So yeah, that’s the secret Jaejoong’s been hiding. I’d love to hear what you guys think about that bit of information. In case any of you were wondering why Yunho said that Jaejoong was so blind, he was talking about the fact that Jaejoong didn’t seem to realize how much Yunho cared for him, so he was pretty much venting out his frustration. No one wants to see the person whom they care so much about, to care so little about himself/herself. I’m sorry for the angst, it’s all I seem to be writing lately. I wanted to update Distance first, since an update for that is long overdue, but I managed to finish & edit this first. I promise to update Distance within this week though - I’m just worried that it won’t live up to expectations, so I’ve been tweaking it and such. I foresee no update for A Learning Process until next week. I have to catch my fluff & humor bunny, because quite frankly, I don’t want to write angst anymore! Also, thank you guys for all the comments I’ve been receiving lately! Gosh, thank you all so, so, much. I greatly love and appreciate every single one. :) Thank you for reading! ♥
Pairing: Yunho/Jaejoong
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Romance, Drama, Angst
Summary: His life turned around the moment he met Yunho.
As he waited for Changmin, he drummed his fingers on the table due to his boredom. Yunho was wrapped up in a case and from how tired he’d sounded in a phone call made the previous night, it seemed like he would be busy for quite a while.
So Jaejoong decided it was time for him to be a little more independent and that he’d been wrong in distancing himself from his friends again. Apparently Yunho hadn’t really told anyone they were dating, and Jaejoong could only say the same for himself. He hadn’t told anyone aside from his sister - it just never really came up.
It only dawned on him that today was a good opportunity to tell Changmin.
He just wasn’t sure how though.
“Have you been waiting for long?” Changmin asked as he took the seat across from Jaejoong. “There was some kind of accident and I got caught up in heavy traffic because of it.”
“No, not really.”
“I’m so hungry.” The younger man said as he looked through the menu, “I feel like I haven’t eaten in forever.”
“You’re always hungry.” Jaejoong replied as he fiddled with his hands and ignored the death glare from Changmin. “Anyway, I just -“
Changmin set down his menu, “Have you been seeing someone lately?” he asked seriously, his eyes focused on Jaejoong. “I swear I’ve been getting your secretary each time I call your office, and your phone is always off.”
“I -“ Jaejoong stuttered, and he didn’t know why he was so worried about telling him. It wasn’t like Changmin was homophobic; he was aware of Jaejoong’s sexual preferences and seeing as he’d known Yunho for longer, he was probably aware that Yunho was gay too. As Jaejoong’s thoughts ran through his head, it was like the words he’d planned out had suddenly disappeared.
Changmin pointed at him accusingly, “I knew it!” he laughed, “While Yoochun and Junsu were just getting worried that you were depressed again, I knew you were dating someone.”
“I’m not.” He muttered just so Changmin’s know-it-all look would get wiped off his face, but he knew he was smiling so it wasn’t like he was any bit convincing.
“The question is, who.”
Jaejoong shrugged as a waitress came to take their orders. He ignored Changmin’s interrogation and told her his order. Changmin frowned but let go of it for a minute to tell the waitress his order as well. As soon as she was gone, he continued.
“I don’t have to -“ his phone began ringing, and both of their eyes focused on the gadget that was placed between them on the table. Before Jaejoong could grab his phone, Changmin already had it in his hands.
He looked down at the screen and narrowed his eyes, “You have Yunho’s number?”
“There’s someone in our -“
Changmin answered, “Yunho! Hi. I was just wondering, do you want to go out for drinks later?” he asked as he ignored Jaejoong’s glare. “Yeah, it’s been awhile, I know. I’ve been busy.”
He nodded his head as Yunho replied, and Jaejoong just wanted to throw something at his head.
“Oh yeah, I was wondering. How well do you know Jaejoong?” Changmin shot Jaejoong an evil smile, “Really? Well, I just wanted to ask about something.”
“Changmin -“
“Do you know who he’s dating?”
Jaejoong burst out into laughter, and Changmin’s evil look disappeared completely. He looked confused and his hand lowered, giving Jaejoong the perfect opportunity to grab the phone back.
“I’ll explain this later.” Jaejoong whispered quickly before he hung up on his boyfriend.
“I don’t -“
“Yunho. I’m dating Yunho.” Jaejoong replied in order to spare Changmin any more minutes of confusion. He laughed at Changmin’s irritated expression and reached over to pat his hand. “I’ve been seeing him for awhile.”
“Why didn’t I know?”
“You know now.”
Changmin rolled his eyes and kept his frown in place. “Do Yoochun and Junsu know?”
“No, they don’t.”
His mood perked up considerably, and he smiled happily. “I’m first then. Good. I’ll rub this in their faces when they find out.” He paused, “Could you call the waitress again? I want to get myself a victory cake for finding out first.”
Jaejoong laughed and signaled the waitress.
o-o-o
Jaejoong sat down next to his father in the hotel bar and waited for him to say something. He knew it wasn’t going to be something he’d like, so he’d already drunk a few glasses of wine before he showed up.
“I heard you’re a bit behind in terms of work.”
He nodded - it was the truth after all. “Yes, I am, but it’s -“
His father glanced at him, “I thought we agreed about you getting set straight on a better path this time around. I actually believed you were getting rid of that old image of yours for a change.”
“I am.” Jaejoong replied, his voice cold. “I’m not the stupid boy trying to prove something to you anymore.”
“Oh.” The older man’s look was disbelieving, “I thought this was just another act of rebellion coming from you. Lord knows what I had to deal with when you were younger. The drinking, the flings and all the chaos you chose to create. I still don’t see why you always felt to be so disruptive.”
“I felt that way because you were an asshole.” Jaejoong snapped as his blood boiled, his fist clenched in fury. “You thought it was fun to plan out what I did in life and to make sure I had no say in anything. You liked to control -“
“It was for the best. You were, no, you are absolutely lacking in control and direction.”
“I’d be more aware of what to do with myself now if you hadn’t been such a dictator in the past. I only made those poor decisions in the past so I could spite you.”
His father took a sip of his wine, “I’m well aware of that. You should be glad I still support you even -“
“Financial support will never make up for your lack of parenting.” Jaejoong replied, his voice more calm as he controlled his fury. “It’s actually why I decided to meet with you today. I don’t need that bank account you set up for me.”
Jaejoong’s father set his glass down and looked at him properly, “Are you sure about that? You won’t see any of the money again.”
“I haven’t used it in a long time, I won’t mind if it’s gone. I want to start my life again, and I want to make sure I do it more independently this time.”
“Do you want me to remove you from my will then?” his father asked seriously as he averted his eyes from Jaejoong, “Do you want me to cut you off from the family and to disown you? If you don’t intend on being a part of this family, I’d be ready to draw up the legal -“
Jaejoong cut in, “That’s up to you.” He said as he stepped off the bar stool he’d been sitting on. “I just want to be more independent. Removing me from your will and disowning me are decisions for you to make.”
He made his way to leave, but his father called for him to stop.
“If this little venture into independence fails, don’t expect me to help you again. I may have been patient with you before, but everyone has a limit. I’ve reached mine with you tonight.”
Jaejoong pulled his coat around his body tighter and tried to muster as much confidence he could, “I won’t need your help, and I won’t fail.” He said coldly before he walked out into the chilly evening air.
o-o-o
“The client didn’t approve of your design. Apparently it was too costly and didn’t go with what they were looking for.”
Jaejoong stared down at his desk and didn’t bother to look up at his boss. “Why didn’t they talk to me directly? They were working with me -“
“Apparently they found your people skills lacking.”
“My people skills are lacking? If they wanted one of those stupid chatty types then they should’ve gone somewhere else - my job is not to chat about trivial matters. If that man didn’t like my work just because I didn’t flirt with -“ “Don’t make this a big issue Jaejoong.” His boss muttered. “Your father can’t win over everyone -“
Jaejoong got out of his seat, furious. “This has nothing to do with him. You know what? I quit. This is my last day here, I’m resigning. I’ll get all my stuff and I’ll be out of here in an hour.”
The older man stared at him, stunned and waiting for Jaejoong to take back his words. When he realized Jaejoong was firm with his decision, he walked out of his office and explained the situation to Jaejoong’s assistant.
Jaejoong released a heavy breath and glanced at his things. He didn’t particularly want to bring anything, and he hadn’t brought much of any of his personal belongings into the office either, so there was no need to pack much.
He got his things and walked out, intending to make his way to the closest bar. He needed to drown out the terrible week with alcohol.
o-o-o
He ignored the buzzing of his phone in his pocket as he downed another glass of scotch and promptly ordered another. Jaejoong glanced at his watch and decided there was still time for two more glasses before he bothered to go home.
“Are you alone?”
Jaejoong glanced at the man and eyed him, noting how well dressed he was and the obvious look of interest in his eyes. “Yeah.” He answered curtly before taking a sip of his new drink.
“Can I buy you a drink?” the man asked, leaning in and smiling at Jaejoong flirtatiously, as his hand crept closer to Jaejoong’s.
He gave the man a one over, examining him from his slightly outdated haircut to his expensive looking shoes. While he was sure to be at least ten years older than himself, he was still rather handsome.
Jaejoong finished his glass, “Yeah, sure.” He paused and felt guilt rise at his throat as he remembered Yunho. The guilt was enough for him to wrench his hand out of the other man’s sly grip. “Wait, never mind. I’m leaving.”
The man took hold of his wrist, “So soon? I’m sure we could -“
His attention flickered to the ring on the man’s hand and his frown deepened. Jaejoong pulled away from the man sharply, “I don’t sleep with married men. Fuck off.” He hissed before walking out of the bar.
As soon as he was back out on the sidewalk, his vision blurred and he stumbled unsteadily. Jaejoong held a hand up to his forehead and breathed out slowly for a few minutes - the alcohol was getting to him.
He cursed and tried to find a taxi, but there were none in sight. His steps were unsteady, and he was getting doubtful of his ability to walk on his own, so he sat down immediately and took his phone out to call someone.
Four missed calls. Jaejoong ignored that and called Changmin.
“Can you drive me home?” he asked, wondering if his words had just sounded as slurred as he thought it did. “I want to go home.”
“Where the fuck have you been? Yunho’s been going crazy trying to contact you. You can’t act like an asshole to him when he’s been so good to -“
“I quit my job.”
Changmin’s shouting stopped for a few seconds, and his tone was noticeably nicer than when he had first entered the conversation. “What are you going to do now?”
Jaejoong leaned back into the bench and stared up at the night sky, “I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I don’t even know how I’m going to apologize to Yunho for tonight. My brain’s spinning.”
“You’ve been drinking alone again.” He heard the sound of rustling on Changmin’s end and several more curse words. “Where are you? I’ll pick you up.”
Jaejoong sat straighter and looked around, “I think I’m in front of a road.”
“So useful.” Changmin muttered sarcastically before he added, “Anything else?”
“I’m going to call Yunho. Bye Minnie.” Jaejoong said before hanging up. He dialed Yunho’s number and waited for him to answer.
He was surprised when Yunho didn’t answer. Jaejoong looked down at his phone in surprise but easily pushed the worry away as he tried to concentrate on finding a bus stop.
“Jaejoong!”
He turned around sharply and was promptly greeted by Yunho’s warmth. The other man’s arms wrapped around him, and Jaejoong resisted the urge to wrap his arms around Yunho as well.
Jaejoong inhaled the scent of Yunho’s cologne and felt like he was about to melt in the other man’s strong embrace, but he was reminded of the man at the bar - of how easily he’d accepted the offer without thinking of Yunho.
He pushed Yunho away, “Leave me alone.”
“Jaejoong -“
“I said leave me alone!” Jaejoong shouted, “Go away!” he felt the tears prickling at the corners of his eyes, and he promptly wiped them away irritably. “I - I don’t want to see you, go away!”
He and Yunho stared at each other as Jaejoong tried to gather himself - his father was right, he had no control whatsoever. He always acted before he thought, and he always let his feelings take hold of his actions.
And each time, the overwhelming guilt would settle like an old friend, its hold on his mind always reminding him of his failures.
“I’m sorry.” Jaejoong whispered before he turned to walk away - he didn’t know where to, but he knew he just needed to leave.
He had to go before he ruined Yunho’s life with his continuous failures and lack of control over his feelings.
It was so hard to breathe, so hard to think, so hard to register what he was doing. It was like he was collapsing on the inside - like at any second his body would give in and implode.
He was too wrapped up in his thoughts that he barely registered the oncoming car.
All he could see were the bright lights, and all he could hear was the sound of the beeping horn - everything telling him to move.
But he was rooted onto the spot, his body not picking up on the signal to get out of the car’s way. Time was moving so slowly, he could barely comprehend anything that was happening - then all of a sudden, he was pulled out of the way.
Jaejoong knocked into Yunho’s firm chest, and he was once more enveloped in the warmth of the other man’s embrace.
“You’re so stupid.” Yunho whispered as he pulled Jaejoong impossibly closer, “And so, so, blind. Why don’t you understand?”
Jaejoong was silent, too stunned to do anything. He was giving in, his feelings overwhelming once again, but in a more positive light. It just felt right, to be there in Yunho’s arms.
He shut his eyes and leaned in closer.
For now, he would forget about his problems.
o-o-o
He woke up in Yunho’s bed.
Jaejoong glanced at Yunho, the other man snoring slightly and facing the other side. He placed the blanket over Yunho and left the bed, the mattress creaking slightly as he shifted his weight off the bed.
Yunho woke up, “Where are you going?” he asked, promptly sitting up. Sleep and tiredness was evident in his face, and Jaejoong stopped in his tracks. “I won’t allow you to run -“
“Breakfast.” Jaejoong replied quietly, as he realized that he was still wearing his clothes from the previous night. “I have to go -“
“No, you won’t be going anywhere.” Yunho interrupted as he pushed the blanket away and got off the bed. “I’ll go with you to the kitchen.”
“Yunho, it’s only six.”
“I don’t care.”
Jaejoong watched Yunho carefully, “Okay.” He replied, his voice barely above a whisper. “I’ll make you breakfast.”
“Okay then.”
They walked to the kitchen together, and Yunho sat down on a kitchen stool while Jaejoong took out a pan. As soon as he’d started toasting bread and had started frying eggs, he turned his head to look at Yunho.
He was asleep on the counter.
A small smile came on his lips, and he didn’t wake the other man. He finished cooking and placed the food on a plate, having prepared nothing for himself. He placed the plate in front of his sleeping boyfriend before he gently nudged his shoulder.
Yunho jerked upright, “What -“ he paused and looked down at the food that had been placed in front of him while he was asleep. “I’m sorry.” He muttered, “I didn’t mean to fall asleep.”
“I should be the one saying sorry.” Jaejoong murmured quietly as he stared down at the plate, avoiding Yunho’s eyes. “Last night was all my fault, I’m so sorry. You’ve been so nice to me and -“
“I love you.”
Jaejoong’s eyes widened in surprise, and he met Yunho’s gaze. “You do?” Yunho reached out and gently took hold of Jaejoong’s hand. He squeezed it reassuringly and never took his eyes off Jaejoong’s. “I love you.”
“I…”
“You don’t have to say it now.” Yunho continued, his gaze unwavering and filled with patience. “Just know Jaejoong, I’m here for you. Please, if something’s hurting you, I want to know. I’ll be here for you.”
The secret he’d been holding inside for so long was on the tip of his tongue, and his heart clenched in his chest as he considered the possibility of revealing it to Yunho.
He opened his mouth and nothing came out. All the guilt, the secrecy, the shame he’d been hiding for so long - he felt it resurfacing.
“I’m sorry.” Jaejoong whispered, his heart constricting in his chest. “Yunho…” he shut his eyes and pulled away, “I can’t. I’m sorry.”
“Jaejoong -“
“I can’t -“
“I’m sorry, don’t leave -“
Jaejoong began to leave the room, but as usual, Yunho was much quicker. He took hold of Jaejoong’s wrist, and Jaejoong found it too hard to struggle - his heart was screaming for him to tell Yunho, and it won over his impulse to run, to run away from his insecurities and fear of Yunho’s judgment.
Trust him.
He opened his mouth, and he felt the tears streaming down his cheeks.
“I tried to kill myself.”
< >
Author’s Note: So yeah, that’s the secret Jaejoong’s been hiding. I’d love to hear what you guys think about that bit of information. In case any of you were wondering why Yunho said that Jaejoong was so blind, he was talking about the fact that Jaejoong didn’t seem to realize how much Yunho cared for him, so he was pretty much venting out his frustration. No one wants to see the person whom they care so much about, to care so little about himself/herself. I’m sorry for the angst, it’s all I seem to be writing lately. I wanted to update Distance first, since an update for that is long overdue, but I managed to finish & edit this first. I promise to update Distance within this week though - I’m just worried that it won’t live up to expectations, so I’ve been tweaking it and such. I foresee no update for A Learning Process until next week. I have to catch my fluff & humor bunny, because quite frankly, I don’t want to write angst anymore! Also, thank you guys for all the comments I’ve been receiving lately! Gosh, thank you all so, so, much. I greatly love and appreciate every single one. :) Thank you for reading! ♥