言わない事 (Iwanai Koto) [1A]
Title:言わない事 (Iwanai Koto)
Beta: causticaria
Pairing: Yunho/Jaejoong
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Romance, Drama, Humor, Fluff, Historical
Summary: Love is difficult to explain, hard to understand, and words may not be enough, but it is always felt.
Sequel to 見えない事 (Mienai Koto) & an almost one month late birthday present for my oppar, guirotic. ♥
glossary:
danna - patron
* after some research, nothing said anything about male geishas having dannas, so that explains why Jaejoong doesn’t have one. The typical male geisha usually told stories at events or assisted in performances by playing instruments.
shamisen - three stringed instrument, looks a bit like a guitar
okiya - a geisha boarding house, a residence for geisha
ekubu - basically a desert that was rather suggestive in nature, and signaled that the bidding for a geisha’s mizuage was open
mizuage - ceremony for an apprentice to become a fully fledged geisha, and before it was outlawed due to it being similar to prostitution, it sometimes involved the apprentice losing her virginity to a person close to the okiya, or the highest bidder
maiko - apprentice geisha
---
Jaejoong got up hastily and headed for the bathroom, the under robe that Yunho had bought for him tied loosely around his body. He slid the door open, and he paused when he caught sight of Yunho leaving the bath.
“You didn’t wake me up,” Jaejoong chastised with a frown as he crossed his arms and looked at Yunho disapprovingly.
Yunho chuckled and walked over to him, still completely naked. He pressed a soft kiss at the juncture between Jaejoong’s neck and shoulder while his arms wrapped around Jaejoong’s waist and pulled him closer.
“I have to get back to the okiya,” Jaejoong whispered softly while Yunho untied his robe slowly. “It’s almost time for me to get back -“
Yunho pushed the robe off his shoulders, and he raised his eyes to meet Jaejoong’s.
“Don’t leave me just yet,” he murmured quietly while his hands roamed across the smooth planes of Jaejoong’s skin. Yunho raised his eyes, and Jaejoong’s heart fluttered in his chest.
“Please stay for a bit longer?” Yunho whispered, his gentle voice tugging at Jaejoong’s heart and melting away his resistance, “I promise I’ll be gentle this time.”
Jaejoong rolled his eyes and was pulled back by Yunho in the direction of the bedroom and was led by the sash of his robe, “That’s what you said last time,” Jaejoong muttered as he let Yunho climb back on top of him. “If I remember correctly, after last time, I could barely walk.”
“I mean it this time.”
Jaejoong moaned as Yunho entered him once more, and as Yunho began to thrust, he groaned, “We’ll see.”
o-o-o
“Such a liar,” Jaejoong hissed as he tried to straighten out his kimono.
He’d made a mistake of allowing Yunho to take him back to bed, but then he’d made another mistake of allowing Yunho to dress him - and the dressing had involved more of taking off clothes rather than putting them on.
Now he was running extremely late and Jaejoong had a feeling that he would be hearing a rooster’s crowing somewhere in the distance if he didn’t hurry. His entire body hurt with each step and walking was a pain for him to do. All he wanted was to go to bed and sleep the pain away.
He hurried to his apartment close to the okiya, and as soon as he entered, he froze when he caught sight of a person sitting by the doorway. Jaejoong blinked in surprise and took a step back.
The person stood up, and he recognized it to be Reina.
“What are you doing here?” Jaejoong questioned furiously, “If you wanted something, couldn’t you have waited until the morning to do so? You’re not allowed to just -“
“Why are you home so late?”
Jaejoong crossed his arms, “I don’t think that’s any of your concern. If you wish to talk to Mother about my appointments, then you are free to do so.”
“I want to know why you’re always home late,” Reina replied, ignoring the obvious irritation in Jaejoong’s voice. “Also, I want to know why your kimono is such a mess. You’re not a child, I’m sure you know how to put it on correctly.”
Jaejoong stiffened slightly, but he refused to back down. He knew Reina, and he knew better than to appear affected by her questions.
“I played a few drinking games -“
“I doubt that,” Reina frowned at him, “I know you, and you don’t like drinking with people. You prefer drinking on your own. What were you doing, and who were you with? Do you know -“
“Who are you to tell me what to do?” Jaejoong snapped as he took a step closer. He pointed at the door, “This is not your home. It is mine. Get out before I push you out into the streets myself.”
Reina pushed past him and strode out angrily. Jaejoong waited a few seconds before he walked calmly through the apartment. He knocked on the door that led to the maid’s quarters, and he waited until Chiharu come out.
She blinked at him sleepily, “Jaejoong?”
“I need your help,” Jaejoong urged while making sure to remain polite, “As soon as you’re ready, I need you to go upstairs to my room, okay?”
Chiharu nodded, and she slid the door shut. Jaejoong hurried to his room. He quickly lit a lantern and took some powder off his small table. While he didn’t use make up often, it was something that he was gifted with on most occasions.
The door slid open, and Chiharu walked into the room carefully. She knelt down beside Jaejoong, and he handed her a brush along with the powder. He looked into her eyes as soon as she raised them, “I need you to do a favor for me. Once again, this must only be between us.”
Chiharu nodded, and he let out a small sigh of relief. Jaejoong squeezed her hands encouragingly and warmly, “Don’t be afraid, okay?”
Before another word could be said, he slowly pulled his kimono down, but made sure that it remained pooled at his waist so that Chiharu would not see his lower body. He lifted her chin up, “I need you to cover the bruises on my back with the powder because I cannot reach them on my own.”
Just as Chiharu had dabbed the brush into the powder, the door slid open. Mother stood at the door, and Jaejoong stared at her. He calmly took the powder and brush out of Chiharu’s hands and set them onto the floor before he raised his eyes to meet Mother’s eyes once again.
The middle aged woman took small steps and as soon as she saw the numerous bruises that littered his pale skin, she gasped in alarm. Her eyes narrowed, and she glanced at Chiharu in anger, “Were you helping him?”
“I -“
Jaejoong rose to his feet and pulled his kimono back on, “I forced her to. You cannot punish her for doing something wrong -“
“Who is he seeing?” Mother asked, her question directed at Chiharu. A few seconds passed, and when it was clear that Chiharu would not answer, she directed her question to Jaejoong, “Who are you seeing?”
Jaejoong stared back at her unflinchingly, “I think it’s obvious.”
Mother looked even more furious with his answer, “You must break it off, now. I refuse to have my okiya -“
“If you make me break it off, I will leave,” Jaejoong snapped, “I will leave, and you will have no earnings whatsoever. Don’t pretend like you don’t need me! Reina’s only just debuted, and you have no one else to earn you as much as I do. What Reina earns in one month is less than what I earn in one week with Yunho -“
“Are you aware that you’re acting like a prostitute? Selling your body -“
“I’m not a prostitute because he loves me!” Jaejoong hissed, “He loves me more than you ever know, and he’s told me time and time again how much he wants me to leave with him -“
Mother slapped him on the face, and she was shaking with anger, “You stupid boy. You think that you know so much about him. Do you know what kind of life you’re living? You’re foolish if you believe that he loves you. You are nothing but a play thing to a rich man like him, and you are even more stupid than I thought if you believe otherwise.”
Jaejoong fumed in silence, and she pressed on.
“You live in a cage, you stupid child. You are nothing more but a pretty ornament to be looked at, and if you think that what he feels for you is more than a passing attraction then you are sorely mistaken. He does not love you.”
Jaejoong fixed his kimono calmly. He raised his eyes and stared back at Mother’s furious ones coldly, “He loves me, and if you continue to talk to me this way, then I shall leave you and you will become a penniless -“
“If he truly loves you, then summon him here tonight. Let him come and explain things to me. If he does not show up, then you will listen to me for the rest of your career, and you will give me complete obedience.”
Jaejoong stared back unflinchingly and replied, “He will come.”
Mother turned her back away and walked out the door, “That remains to be seen.”
As soon as she was gone, Jaejoong glanced down at Chiharu. He knelt down and gently carded his fingers through her hair before he pressed a soft kiss to her forehead lovingly, “Don’t cry.”
Chiharu sniffled, “She’s going to kick me out -“
“She won’t, trust me,” Jaejoong murmured as he brought Chiharu into his arms and allowed her to sob onto his shoulder, “I’ll take care of you, I promise.” He pulled away from her and tilted her chin up, “You believe me, don’t you?”
Chiharu nodded, and he smiled at her encouragingly. He smoothened out her hair in a brotherly fashion and brushed away her tears, “You will tell Yunho in the morning to come here to the okiya, okay? Tell him everything.”
“You do not wish to explain to him yourself?”
Jaejoong shook his head, “I have faith that he will come even if I am not the one to ask him personally. If I tell him about everything that has transpired this past hour, he will never let me come back here.”
After a few minutes, Chiharu stopped sniffling and calmed down. Jaejoong brushed the last of her tears away and kissed her forehead once more. She looked up at him with an unsure expression on her face. “Are you afraid?” Chiharu whispered, “Are you afraid that he won’t come?”
Jaejoong looked back at her seriously. Although there was part of him that was afraid, more of him had faith in Yunho and in their love. No matter his insecurities, his soul seemed sure that Yunho would come.
“No, not at all,” Jaejoong said with a faint smile, “He loves me.”
o-o-o
“He’s not coming.”
Jaejoong raised his eyes off the candle on the table, and he stared at Mother with a serious expression on his face, “You hardly gave me a timeframe. What makes you so sure that he won’t be coming?”
Mother shut her accounting journal shut and stared at him, “Are you that blinded to still believe that he will? It is nearing midnight, and I need to assign someone to wait for Reina when she comes home -“
“It is still more than an hour before midnight,” Jaejoong snapped, “He is a busy man, and Chiharu told me that he has a meeting -“
Mother rolled her eyes disbelievingly and crushed her cigarette, “Meeting? He has none, of that I am sure. If I were to look in the teahouses, I am sure that I would find him in one of them. He is not coming -“
The door to Mother’s room slid open, and Jaejoong blinked at Chiharu, “What are you doing here?” he asked, “I told you to go to bed hours ago -“
“He is here.”
Jaejoong smiled smugly in Mother’s direction and stood up to leave the room, but Chiharu shook her head and motioned for him to sit back down, “He told me that both of you are to remain in the room.”
“Why is that?” Mother frowned and stood up, “If he is hiding something -“
The door slid open wider, and a man carrying a box stepped inside. He bowed to everyone before he placed it down onto the ground. Several more people came inside, and they all continued to bow before placing boxes onto the ground.
After the last man had left, Yunho stepped inside the room. He patted Chiharu on the head and gave her a small, intricately decorated box before he leant down and whispered a thank you. He bowed to Mother before he knelt down on the ground next to Jaejoong.
“What are in the boxes?” Mother questioned as she gestured to the numerous boxes that filled up her room.
Yunho smiled kindly, “Presents from me. I apologize for my tardiness,” he reached for Jaejoong’s hand and squeezed it lovingly, “I’ve filled them with numerous things such as tea, chocolate, make up, and kimonos. I do hope that they are enough to make up for the way -“
“What are you doing with Jaejoong?” Mother asked directly as she lit another cigarette and looked around the room, “You do realize that your relationship is bad for my business? Do you know what will happen if people find out about your relationship?”
“Personally, I do not care about their judgment,” Yunho answered with a shrug, “I do understand the consequences though which is why I have come here today. I am here to assure you that our relationship is not bad for your business.”
“Bribing me will not do.”
Jaejoong glanced at Yunho, and he noticed that Yunho’s cheery expression had hardened somewhat to a more serious look. He waited in anxious anticipation, and Yunho replied after a few seconds.
“I think Jaejoong has told you before that I wish for him to leave the okiya?”
Mother nodded, “He has.”
“I mean it each time I say it, but Jaejoong tells me that he has a contract with you. I would be willing to pay it off now -“
“I think not.”
Yunho chuckled, “I had a feeling you would say so, thus, I have another plan. As you can see, I have often booked Jaejoong -
“Get to the point.”
Yunho ignored the rudeness of Mother’s interruption and answered calmly, “I am more than willing to pay for Jaejoong’s time. I am a selfish man, and I want Jaejoong more than anything else in this world. I don’t want him to be paid to entertain anyone else, so feel free to charge me per month of his time. Charge me as you would charge a danna.”
Jaejoong’s eyes widened, and he let out a breath, “Yunho, you don’t -“
“I’m a selfish and jealous man,” Yunho said with a light hearted smile as he turned to look at Jaejoong, “Do you still love me?”
“Of course,” Jaejoong whispered, “Always.”
“Then I won’t regret anything,” Yunho replied as he took out his wallet and placed a large envelope onto the table. He slid it over to Mother, “I think that sum shall more than suffice for everything.”
He glanced at Jaejoong, “When your contract ends, you will leave with me. Is that okay with you?”
Jaejoong nodded, “Of course.”
“I take it that we have nothing to worry about then, correct?” Yunho questioned, “I have paid my dues, and I have settled any concerns. Whenever I’m not around, I would greatly prefer to keep Jaejoong here at the okiya.”
Mother eyed Yunho warily, “How will I be sure that -“
“I will pay for anything as long as your contract with Jaejoong persists. If you try to find some way to extend it, I will take action to prevent it. How much time is left in the contract?”
Jaejoong answered before Mother could, “One more year.” He raised his eyes and looked up at Yunho, “Will you -“
Yunho smiled, “I will still be here in one year, though I would prefer if we lived somewhere else after your contract is over. How do you feel about Osaka?”
The words hung in the air, and Jaejoong didn’t quite know how to respond. Yunho had asked him many times before about leaving, but he’d always had his contract with Mother as an excuse to say no to him rather than voicing the doubt that had been lingering in his mind ever since Yunho had first asked.
He feared what life would be like if they were together. Although he knew Yunho loved him, Jaejoong didn’t know how he could fit into Yunho’s life if he left the okiya. He could not bear him children, he could not be his wife, and he could not be fully his in public.
He would have no more purpose, and Jaejoong knew what happened when things lost their purpose.
They would be thrown away.
“I like it there, I went there once for a festival,” Jaejoong said softly as he placed a smile on his face despite the emotions he was feeling, “It’s a nice place.”
“Would you mind living there with me?” Yunho asked, ignoring Mother’s gaze completely and keeping his eyes on Jaejoong, “You’d be leaving one life behind in exchange for another.”
Jaejoong faltered before he answered, “Of course.” It seemed like Yunho didn’t notice the brief hesitation, and Jaejoong felt seized with guilt. He glanced at Mother, and he noticed how her eyes were set on him carefully.
“I must be on my way. I have a trip back to Seoul that I must prepare for,” Yunho glanced at Jaejoong, “If it is not too much to ask, Jaejoong may I ask for your company for just a few minutes in my car?”
Mother glanced at Yunho, “Let me speak to him for a few minutes.”
Yunho nodded, and he bowed before he left the room. As soon as the door slid shut, Mother tapped her cigarette on the ash tray, “It seems like I’ve misjudged things. All along, I had suspicions that he was the only playing tricks, but it seems like you are the real master of this game.”
Jaejoong stiffened, “What are you -“
“You’re more hard hearted than I thought,” Mother rasped in her strained voice as she watched Jaejoong, “I can recognize the game you’re playing. He’s more in love with you than you are with him, isn’t he?”
“How dare you -“
“I saw how you hesitated earlier, don’t think I’m stupid.”
Jaejoong narrowed his eyes at her, “It is not for reasons that you think of. How dare you insinuate that I am using him, the only reason I hesitated was because -“
“You cannot be his wife,” Mother said knowingly as her lips curved into a twisted smile as she watched him carefully, “The moment you leave this okiya, you shall lose any sort of use.”
“How dare you,” Jaejoong hissed as he tried to pretend that she had not hit a sore spot for him. He stood up immediately, “I will leave with Yunho in a year’s time, and I will prove to everyone that I am more than just some ornament to be looked at -“
“Did you forget about the existence of time Jaejoong?” Mother questioned seriously after she’d taken a deep drag of her cigarette, “You cannot bear Yunho a child, and your beauty will not last forever. Once he realizes that you are no longer of use to him, you shall have nothing but the remnants of what once was.”
Jaejoong’s heart clenched in his chest, but he did not allow Mother to see the satisfaction of her words hurting him. He turned away immediately and slid the door shut roughly before he let his face fall into his hands in the corridor.
He let out a shaky breath and steadied himself before he calmly went down the stairs to meet Yunho.
If there was one thing he was proud of aside from his beauty, it was his ability to hide his fear. As Jaejoong met Yunho’s eyes, he placed a pretty smile back onto his lips and hid behind his façade.
Jaejoong was sure that he loved Yunho more than anyone in the world, and he knew for sure that Yunho loved him in return. However, what he was also sure of was that he was not lovely enough to deserve Yunho’s feelings for a lifetime, and he was also sure that he all he had to offer Yunho was his imperfect character.
Without a doubt, Jaejoong held the opinion that he was not enough, and he feared the day that Yunho would realize that.
o-o-o
“You look even more beautiful today,” the painter commented as he dabbed his brush into his paint. He smiled appreciatively at Jaejoong, his eyes crinkling good naturedly as he did so.
Jaejoong hardly moved as he replied, “Thank you.”
Kazuya swirled his paint together and began to move his brush across the canvas, finally getting rid of the blankness. He spoke as he painted Jaejoong, “Although I sense that you are quite sad today.”
“Am I?” Jaejoong whispered as he stared out the window, trying to keep his thoughts in check. He didn’t want to speak much, and he knew of the painter’s talent at loosening the tongues of his subjects.
The painter nodded, “Yes, is it because Yunho is not here?”
Jaejoong refused to nod or answer, so he simply changed the topic instead. He moved his hands slightly and clasped them together, “Are you almost done?”
“Not yet,” Kazuya replied, “Yunho said he wanted the most beautiful portrait of you. He’s quite enraptured with you, though I don’t image you feel the same.”
Jaejoong’s heart clenched in his chest, and he tore his eyes away from the window to look at Kazuya. The painter was still busy fiddling with his paint, so he did not notice the distraught look that ruined Jaejoong’s once serene expression.
Why did no one believe that he loved Yunho?
He loved Yunho so much that his heart hurt whenever he went back to Korea. He loved Yunho so much that he didn’t care if he was rough or if he was gentle when they made love. He loved Yunho so much that just seeing him made his entire day complete.
He loved Yunho so much, but he was also afraid.
The joy that Yunho brought him was more than anything else in the world, and it made him feel scared that one day Yunho would leave. It made him worry that one day Yunho would leave him in the same way that Koichi did.
No matter how many times Yunho whispered his love to him, his cold heart refused to let go of his feelings of distrust and fear.
He was so damaged, and Yunho was too perfect. Jaejoong didn’t know how he could cope for much longer. He was a flawed being, and one day Yunho would see the cracks in his façade of perfection.
“Jaejoong!”
He was using Yunho, leading him along and trapping him into a cage. He was selfish for wanting Yunho to stay with him even though he was anything but the angel Yunho believed him to be.
His emotions were eating him up from the inside, and all he wanted was to not feel again. He wanted Yunho to be his, but he did not want Yunho to be with him. It was a contradiction, and Jaejoong wished desperately for all the confusion to go away.
He wanted to seclude himself from the world again - he wanted to be alone.
“Jaejoong!”
Paint dirtied fingers touched his kimono and shook his shoulders, Jaejoong jerked in surprise and he found himself staring into Kazuya’s worried and shocked eyes. He opened his mouth to ask what was wrong, but he realized what was wrong in a few seconds.
He was crying.
o-o-o
He was alone when he noticed Reina by the doorway of the okiya. Jaejoong watched her from across the street as she waited. He was still a distance away, and he doubted that she could see him from where he was.
The departure from Kazuya’s house had been awkward, and although Kazuya had promised to keep quiet about the incident, Jaejoong knew he wouldn’t. The moment Yunho came back, he had more than just a feeling that Kazuya would tell him about what had happened.
Jaejoong watched her carefully. He took in her proper appearance, and he noted how pretty she looked under the lights. Jaejoong slowly made his way to her, and she tilted her head slightly when she saw him.
“What do you want?” she questioned sharply as she clasped her hands in front of her.
Jaejoong said nothing at first and looked at her carefully. She was indeed a picture of elegance and beauty. He met her gaze, “Why are you still here? Don’t you have an appointment to go to?”
“Don’t you have an appointment?” Reina asked as she glanced at his less formal and extravagant choice of clothing, “You got back late. You should be dressed and out of the okiya by now.”
“My appointment with Kazuya ran late,” Jaejoong said breezily as means of explanation before he glanced away. He looked at her, “I want to know why you’re still here. Who are you waiting for?”
“I was on my way to leave. I was just thinking,” Reina replied. She shrugged and tucked a strand of her hair back, “Did you know that Mother thinks it is time for my mizuage?”
Jaejoong was silent, and he thought for a moment, “Do you feel like it is time? Have you made good enough relationships?”
“I think so,” Reina said confidently, “Mother says she already has a list of bidders in mind, but I have also given my own suggestion as well.”
“Who?”
“Jung Yunho, he seems like a respectable man, and he has more than enough money. We are often at the same events, and I think that your relationship with him shall help me in a way.”
Jaejoong swallowed hard, “I do not think he would bid.”
“I think he would. Is there any normal man that could resist the offer of beauty, even if it is for one night only?” Reina asked, her eyes boring into Jaejoong’s. “He is just like any other man, and I am sure he will bid. I may not be the most beautiful flower, but I am certainly beautiful in my own right.”
“You don’t know anything,” Jaejoong spat, “It is not about -“
“I am sure he has done the ceremony before. A few of my customers from the previous night discussed it. They said that they had heard that he usually wins bids. He supposedly participated in the ceremonies of the geishas Mariko and Nozomi.”
Jaejoong shook his head, “He is a friend of mine, and I know him to not be that kind of person. He would not participate. He would not engage in that sort of act with someone he does not love -“
“How do you know that he did not love them?” Reina questioned, and it was at that moment that Jaejoong knew how much he hated her. She knew of his relationship with Yunho, of that he was sure, and she was playing on his weaknesses.
He was a like a fish caught in a net, struggling to free himself from her words. It was the truth in her words that hurt him the most - he did not know much about Yunho’s past loves.
Reina was feeding his fear, and it was working.
“He is like any other person. You have too much faith in him, and I find that quite saddening.” Reina commented as she took her umbrella and opened it due to the drizzle that had started pouring from the sky, “Every once in a while, something catches our eye, but as time goes by, we forget about it and move onto the next object.”
She walked away from him and left him behind.
Jaejoong smiled bitterly at the sky before he went inside his home to drink himself to sleep. He was truly unlike any other person. He clung too hard to the past, and he refused to let go.
He was weak.
o-o-o
“Is something wrong?”
Jaejoong felt like breaking into a thousand pieces the moment Yunho’s words came out of his mouth. He clutched the tea pot a little tighter, and he kept his eyes on the light amber liquid in the intricately designed porcelain cups.
He didn’t know what to say without breaking down. The only thing that was holding him together was his love for Yunho. Jaejoong didn’t know how he could explain to Yunho how afraid he was and how confused he was.
“Do you love me?” Jaejoong whispered softly, his eyes still focused on the tea.
He was so concentrated on avoiding Yunho’s gaze that he didn’t realize that the other had stood up and moved across the table to sit next to him. Gentle hands brushed his hair back and turned his chin to look at him.
“Of course I love you,” Yunho murmured with a concerned look on his face.
Yunho’s hands moved away from Jaejoong’s face and took the teapot out of Jaejoong’s hands. Jaejoong looked up at him and smiled at him sadly, “I’m so sorry,” he whispered softly, “I’m sorry.”
“For?”
“I’m so afraid,” Jaejoong confessed as he met Yunho’s eyes. His hands were shaking, and as Yunho’s larger ones clasped onto them, he didn’t know how he could keep himself together.
“I love you, so much,” he continued, and he could feel tears prickling at the corners of his eyes, “I love you more than anything else in the world, and although I have all that love for you, I…”
Yunho squeezed his hands tightly, and Jaejoong felt tears escape his eyes.
“I’m a coward. I don’t know why you love me. I’m weak, and I’m scared all the time. I feel like you’re only settling for me, and I don’t want you to settle for me. Although we are puzzle pieces that fit perfectly, it does not mean that you will not fit with someone else. Although I want your love, I want you to be happy more than I want your love, and I do not know if I can offer you a lifetime of happiness.”
Jaejoong moved away from Yunho and wiped away the tears in his eyes, “I cannot give you the love you deserve because I am not worthy of it,” his smile was watery but beautiful as he looked at Yunho, “I am not worthy of the love you shower me, and I am not worthy of the money you spend on me. I will -“
“Are you asking me to leave you?” Yunho questioned, his tone serious but his look still gentle. He reached out to touch Jaejoong’s hands, “Are you telling me that I should leave you because you believe yourself to be unworthy of my love?”
Jaejoong took a shaky breath, and he nodded, “I’m giving you the chance to back out and leave. I cannot guarantee you happiness for every minute and for every day. You should look for someone that can do that for you. I am flawed, and I am imperfect. I am not as beautiful as you think I am.”
Yunho reached out and pulled Jaejoong closer, “No matter what happens, and no matter what you say, I will always find you beautiful,” Yunho murmured as he gently ran his thumb over Jaejoong’s cheek. “Whether it is after twenty years or more, you will always be my beautiful Jaejoong - both inside and out.”
“I am not -“
“I know we will not always be happy together,” Yunho murmured as he tilted Jaejoong’s face upward so that their eyes could meet, “There will be good times, and there will be bad times, but I will not spend any more seconds of my life without you. I wish that I had found you sooner so that I could have protected you from all the pain that you’ve experienced in your life.”
Jaejoong’s heart clenched in his chest, and tears slowly rolled down his cheeks. Yunho brushed them away, and when he let out a small sob, Yunho kissed his forehead tenderly and lovingly.
“How can I leave you when I love you?” Yunho whispered, “How can I leave you when you have taught me so much about patience and understanding? How can I leave you when I cannot imagine myself living a life without you in it?”
“Please don’t say that,” Jaejoong choked out, “Stop, don’t speak.” He stifled his tears and looked up at Yunho, “Why are you so perfect? Why do you know everything to say? Why can’t I be like you?”
“Stop.”
Yunho placed his finger over Jaejoong’s lips and silenced him effectively. The entire room fell silent, and Yunho slowly pulled his finger away. He ran his fingers through Jaejoong’s hair and hummed quietly.
“Love is…it is difficult to explain, don’t you think? It is more complex than just a relation to happiness because it can bring much sorrow as well. It is not just a pain, but it is also a remedy,” Yunho said slowly as he turned his eyes to meet Jaejoong’s, “Perhaps you have not realized it, but you have helped me find direction in life. When I saw you that first night, I wanted nothing more but to bring you joy.”
Jaejoong bit his lip, “I’m sorry.”
“For what? Not noticing?” Yunho questioned with a small smile on his face. Jaejoong nodded, and he chuckled softly, “It is okay to be focused on one’s own problems. It is a necessary selfishness, don’t you think?”
Seeing as Jaejoong did not respond, Yunho continued to speak, “The only way you can grant me happiness is if you allow me to stay close to you. Although you have already opened your heart to me, you have not fully recovered from the past.”
“Yunho…”
The taller man shook his head and placed a finger back over Jaejoong’s lips, “I will show you how beautiful you are, and one day, you will be able to entrust yourself to me without fear or apprehension.”
Yunho smiled kindly and brushed away the new tears that had begun to roll down Jaejoong’s cheeks, “Tonight, I ask a favor of you.”
“What is it?” Jaejoong questioned, “I would do anything for you.”
“Take care of my heart,” Yunho murmured as he took hold of Jaejoong’s hands and brought them to his lips, “Do not scare me again. If you are afraid, entrust me with your fears so that I may help you stand strong. If you are troubled, entrust me with your troubles so that I may help you find a solution. Do you love me? Will you do this for me? It’s all I ask of you.”
“Of course,” Jaejoong replied, “I love you.”
Yunho brought Jaejoong into the comfort of his embrace, and as Jaejoong melted into his warmth, he murmured, “One day, you will learn to love yourself as well.”
o-o-o
Jaejoong didn’t know how the process was supposed to start. He didn’t know how he was supposed to start loving himself, or how he was supposed to start treating himself any differently.
It didn’t seem like Yunho had any intention of explaining the process either. As soon as they’d left the dining room, Yunho had not brought the topic up again.
They’d gone to bed together, and Jaejoong inched closer to Yunho as soon as he felt fully awake. His hand skimmed over the broad expanse of the other man’s tanned, muscled chest, and he settled his hand over Yunho’s heart.
He pressed his hand down slightly and felt the beating of Yunho’s heart. Jaejoong watched as Yunho snored lightly, and he pressed a soft kiss to Yunho’s shoulder before he left him.
The bathroom was much more modern than the one in the okiya, and it was one of Jaejoong’s favorite places in the house. He slipped the robe off his body in a fluid motion and placed it onto a dry place before he looked for the shampoo that Yunho always set aside for him.
It was different from Yunho’s own shampoo, and it was from Korea. After commenting one day about how much he’d enjoyed it as a gift, Yunho made sure that he always had a bottle for Jaejoong to use whenever he slept over. It had such a light, clean, and natural scent yet was completely unique in comparison to anything Jaejoong had ever encountered before.
Jaejoong stared at the bottle for a few moments and had failed to realize that Yunho had come into the bathroom.
“It seems like you get distracted easily,” Yunho said lightly as he walked over to Jaejoong. He removed his clothes and placed them next to Jaejoong’s, “Shall we take a bath together?”
“You are shameless.”
“Only because I missed you,” Yunho said with a small smile as he walked over to turn on the water in the bathtub. He set himself down onto the tub, and he looked at Jaejoong curiously before he cocked his head to the side, “Should I be expecting you to join me?”
“Should I join you?” Jaejoong asked calmly, although he could feel himself hardening at the prospect. He walked over to Yunho, and the other man reached out to brush his hand against Jaejoong’s hardened member.
“Yes, you should.”
Jaejoong bit back a moan as Yunho’s hand wrapped around his cock and slid up and down slowly. He pulled Yunho’s hand away and frowned at him as best as he could in such an aroused state, “Patience.”
“Ah yes, patience.”
He climbed into the tub with Yunho and shut off the water before he leaned against Yunho and let his eyes flutter shut in contentment. Yunho’s strong arms wrapped around him and tugged him closer, causing Jaejoong to brush against Yunho’s own erection.
“We’ll never leave the bath,” Jaejoong whined as Yunho sat up and proceeded to thrust against him lightly. He reached out to uncap the shampoo, but Yunho took the bottle out of his hands.
“Let me do it,” Yunho said as he placed it onto his own hands before he massaged it onto Jaejoong’s scalp. His fingers moved in gentle motions, and Jaejoong leaned back against Yunho. “I love you like this,” Yunho murmured before he pressed a kiss to Jaejoong’s nape, “Willing and weak in my arms.”
Jaejoong turned his head, “Are you done?”
Yunho chuckled, “Yes my emperor, I am done. Would you like for me to -“
Before Yunho could get another word out, Jaejoong stood up and turned around so that he could sit down on Yunho’s lap. Their erections brushed together, and both men hissed at the pleasurable friction. It was a tight and slightly awkward position, but Jaejoong said nothing as he took Yunho’s shampoo and began to lather it onto the other’s hair.
Yunho moved his mouth forward and took hold of one of Jaejoong’s nipples in his mouth, gently sucking before he grazed it with his teeth. Jaejoong let out a small gasp, and he grasped onto Yunho’s hair as the other man moved onto the other nipple.
“Stop that,” Jaejoong hissed, “I’m trying to help you wash.”
“Can we not do other things as well?” Yunho questioned as he pulled away and wrapped his hand around their erections. He began to slowly move his hand up and down, stroking them both.
Jaejoong whimpered and buried his face into Yunho’s neck as Yunho began to stroke faster. He sank his nails into Yunho’s skin and moaned. Yunho’s hand moved away and Jaejoong immediately began to thrust against Yunho desperately, which caused water to gush out onto the floor.
“Get out of the bath,” Yunho hissed as more water sloshed out of the bath. Jaejoong bounced on Yunho’s lap shamelessly for a few more seconds before he moved to get out of the tub.
“Bedroom,” Yunho murmured as he gently pushed Jaejoong off his lap. As soon as they stumbled into the bedroom, lips meshed together and hands wandering, Jaejoong was slowly pushed down onto the mat.
He let out a loud moan as Yunho inserted shampoo slick fingers into him, and he whimpered when Yunho began to move them. Their bodies were slick with shampoo, water, and soap, but Jaejoong couldn’t bring himself to care as soon as Yunho replaced his fingers with his cock.
As usual, Yunho’s first few thrusts were shallow, but as their lust for one another heightened, Yunho began to thrust in more roughly. Jaejoong moaned with every thrust, and as Yunho began to bite at his throat, he could only dig his nails in deeper into Yunho’s back.
Jaejoong spread his legs further for Yunho, and as soon as Yunho paused, he let out an unabashed whine of disapproval. He looked up at Yunho with pleading eyes, and Yunho kissed his lips as an apology.
“I want you to ride me,” Yunho murmured as he adjusted himself for the new position.
Jaejoong crawled over on his knees, and he clambered over Yunho. He moaned softly as Yunho’s dick brushed against his, and he looked into Yunho’s eyes as his hands steadied himself on Yunho’s bath water slicked chest.
He’d never in his life imagined doing something so intimate, and as he fully lowered himself onto Yunho, Jaejoong moaned loudly. He steadied himself on Yunho and began to repeatedly lower and raise himself.
It was difficult, and Jaejoong could feel his muscles burning with each movement. He wanted so desperately for Yunho to just make things easier for him, but Yunho was enjoying the position. He could feel Yunho’s eyes watching his face for every breathless moan and pleasured mewl that escaped his lips, and he could hardly feel anything aside from the delicious friction.
Jaejoong moaned and came after a few thrusts, and he whimpered as soon as Yunho shifted them quickly and had him back onto his back. As Yunho thrust into him roughly, desperate to find his own release, Jaejoong could only mewl and writhe in pleasure underneath him.
Yunho ravaged his mouth, dominant and demanding. His tongue swept every corner, and Jaejoong could feel himself desperate for more. He held onto Yunho’s slick body, and it was just too much. He was still so sensitive, and Yunho was pushing into him with such roughness.
“You’re so beautiful,” Yunho groaned as he pushed in deeper and had Jaejoong seeing stars, “So beautiful, so beautiful,” he hissed as he sought his own release and Jaejoong’s second.
Yunho looked down at him with such dark and passionate eyes, that Jaejoong could feel himself close to his second release. Yunho thrust into him several more times, and they came together.
“The shampoo is still in your hair,” Yunho whispered with a tired smile as he reached out to touch Jaejoong’s locks, “Come.”
“I can barely move.”
Yunho chuckled and slowly moved off Jaejoong. They lied down next to each other and regained their breath before Yunho helped Jaejoong up and slowly led him back to the bath.
Jaejoong felt boneless as Yunho began to wash him. He turned around to bathe Yunho as well, and they shared soft, more timid kisses as they finished the ritual that had been interrupted by their passion. Their bath still took more than an hour longer than necessary, but neither party had any complaints.
“Come, I have somewhere to take you today,” Yunho murmured as he toweled Jaejoong off and hung the towel. He opened a cabinet which had spare clothing and led his lover to it, “We’re going to spend as much time together as possible.”
“Where?” Jaejoong asked as he reached out and selected a dark green kimono. He placed it aside and slipped into his undergarments before he turned back to see Yunho was staring at him.
Yunho shook his head and smiled, “It’s a surprise. I have plans for you.”
“What kind?” Jaejoong questioned curiously, “Surely you could not have made them just now? I cannot think of a time when you would have been able to -“
“I made the necessary arrangements while you slept,” Yunho murmured as he walked over to help Jaejoong dress. While a man’s kimono was much easier to put on than that of a woman’s, Jaejoong appreciated the extra attention Yunho gave him.
“You shouldn’t have done that.”
Yunho made a noise of disagreement, “I told you, I would do anything for you to see how beautiful you are.” He kissed Jaejoong’s neck and turned him around so that they could look into each other’s eyes.
Jaejoong felt his heart melt in his chest, and he smiled at Yunho kindly, “What kind of plans? Surely you could tell me one?”
“I just plan on romancing you,” Yunho confessed lightly as his hands moved over to Jaejoong’s waist, “Perhaps if I make you realize what qualities I love about you, you shall also begin to love those qualities as well.”
“Was this morning’s activity part of that plan as well?” Jaejoong questioned with a teasing smile as he gestured to the water that was scattered around Yunho’s bathroom, and the messy bed that could be seen through the open door.
Yunho chuckled and buried his face into Jaejoong’s neck as he smiled, “Think of it as a very enjoyable exercise…that we hopefully shall do again sometime soon.”
Part 2
Beta: causticaria
Pairing: Yunho/Jaejoong
Rating: NC-17
Genre: Romance, Drama, Humor, Fluff, Historical
Summary: Love is difficult to explain, hard to understand, and words may not be enough, but it is always felt.
Sequel to 見えない事 (Mienai Koto) & an almost one month late birthday present for my oppar, guirotic. ♥
glossary:
danna - patron
* after some research, nothing said anything about male geishas having dannas, so that explains why Jaejoong doesn’t have one. The typical male geisha usually told stories at events or assisted in performances by playing instruments.
shamisen - three stringed instrument, looks a bit like a guitar
okiya - a geisha boarding house, a residence for geisha
ekubu - basically a desert that was rather suggestive in nature, and signaled that the bidding for a geisha’s mizuage was open
mizuage - ceremony for an apprentice to become a fully fledged geisha, and before it was outlawed due to it being similar to prostitution, it sometimes involved the apprentice losing her virginity to a person close to the okiya, or the highest bidder
maiko - apprentice geisha
---
Jaejoong got up hastily and headed for the bathroom, the under robe that Yunho had bought for him tied loosely around his body. He slid the door open, and he paused when he caught sight of Yunho leaving the bath.
“You didn’t wake me up,” Jaejoong chastised with a frown as he crossed his arms and looked at Yunho disapprovingly.
Yunho chuckled and walked over to him, still completely naked. He pressed a soft kiss at the juncture between Jaejoong’s neck and shoulder while his arms wrapped around Jaejoong’s waist and pulled him closer.
“I have to get back to the okiya,” Jaejoong whispered softly while Yunho untied his robe slowly. “It’s almost time for me to get back -“
Yunho pushed the robe off his shoulders, and he raised his eyes to meet Jaejoong’s.
“Don’t leave me just yet,” he murmured quietly while his hands roamed across the smooth planes of Jaejoong’s skin. Yunho raised his eyes, and Jaejoong’s heart fluttered in his chest.
“Please stay for a bit longer?” Yunho whispered, his gentle voice tugging at Jaejoong’s heart and melting away his resistance, “I promise I’ll be gentle this time.”
Jaejoong rolled his eyes and was pulled back by Yunho in the direction of the bedroom and was led by the sash of his robe, “That’s what you said last time,” Jaejoong muttered as he let Yunho climb back on top of him. “If I remember correctly, after last time, I could barely walk.”
“I mean it this time.”
Jaejoong moaned as Yunho entered him once more, and as Yunho began to thrust, he groaned, “We’ll see.”
o-o-o
“Such a liar,” Jaejoong hissed as he tried to straighten out his kimono.
He’d made a mistake of allowing Yunho to take him back to bed, but then he’d made another mistake of allowing Yunho to dress him - and the dressing had involved more of taking off clothes rather than putting them on.
Now he was running extremely late and Jaejoong had a feeling that he would be hearing a rooster’s crowing somewhere in the distance if he didn’t hurry. His entire body hurt with each step and walking was a pain for him to do. All he wanted was to go to bed and sleep the pain away.
He hurried to his apartment close to the okiya, and as soon as he entered, he froze when he caught sight of a person sitting by the doorway. Jaejoong blinked in surprise and took a step back.
The person stood up, and he recognized it to be Reina.
“What are you doing here?” Jaejoong questioned furiously, “If you wanted something, couldn’t you have waited until the morning to do so? You’re not allowed to just -“
“Why are you home so late?”
Jaejoong crossed his arms, “I don’t think that’s any of your concern. If you wish to talk to Mother about my appointments, then you are free to do so.”
“I want to know why you’re always home late,” Reina replied, ignoring the obvious irritation in Jaejoong’s voice. “Also, I want to know why your kimono is such a mess. You’re not a child, I’m sure you know how to put it on correctly.”
Jaejoong stiffened slightly, but he refused to back down. He knew Reina, and he knew better than to appear affected by her questions.
“I played a few drinking games -“
“I doubt that,” Reina frowned at him, “I know you, and you don’t like drinking with people. You prefer drinking on your own. What were you doing, and who were you with? Do you know -“
“Who are you to tell me what to do?” Jaejoong snapped as he took a step closer. He pointed at the door, “This is not your home. It is mine. Get out before I push you out into the streets myself.”
Reina pushed past him and strode out angrily. Jaejoong waited a few seconds before he walked calmly through the apartment. He knocked on the door that led to the maid’s quarters, and he waited until Chiharu come out.
She blinked at him sleepily, “Jaejoong?”
“I need your help,” Jaejoong urged while making sure to remain polite, “As soon as you’re ready, I need you to go upstairs to my room, okay?”
Chiharu nodded, and she slid the door shut. Jaejoong hurried to his room. He quickly lit a lantern and took some powder off his small table. While he didn’t use make up often, it was something that he was gifted with on most occasions.
The door slid open, and Chiharu walked into the room carefully. She knelt down beside Jaejoong, and he handed her a brush along with the powder. He looked into her eyes as soon as she raised them, “I need you to do a favor for me. Once again, this must only be between us.”
Chiharu nodded, and he let out a small sigh of relief. Jaejoong squeezed her hands encouragingly and warmly, “Don’t be afraid, okay?”
Before another word could be said, he slowly pulled his kimono down, but made sure that it remained pooled at his waist so that Chiharu would not see his lower body. He lifted her chin up, “I need you to cover the bruises on my back with the powder because I cannot reach them on my own.”
Just as Chiharu had dabbed the brush into the powder, the door slid open. Mother stood at the door, and Jaejoong stared at her. He calmly took the powder and brush out of Chiharu’s hands and set them onto the floor before he raised his eyes to meet Mother’s eyes once again.
The middle aged woman took small steps and as soon as she saw the numerous bruises that littered his pale skin, she gasped in alarm. Her eyes narrowed, and she glanced at Chiharu in anger, “Were you helping him?”
“I -“
Jaejoong rose to his feet and pulled his kimono back on, “I forced her to. You cannot punish her for doing something wrong -“
“Who is he seeing?” Mother asked, her question directed at Chiharu. A few seconds passed, and when it was clear that Chiharu would not answer, she directed her question to Jaejoong, “Who are you seeing?”
Jaejoong stared back at her unflinchingly, “I think it’s obvious.”
Mother looked even more furious with his answer, “You must break it off, now. I refuse to have my okiya -“
“If you make me break it off, I will leave,” Jaejoong snapped, “I will leave, and you will have no earnings whatsoever. Don’t pretend like you don’t need me! Reina’s only just debuted, and you have no one else to earn you as much as I do. What Reina earns in one month is less than what I earn in one week with Yunho -“
“Are you aware that you’re acting like a prostitute? Selling your body -“
“I’m not a prostitute because he loves me!” Jaejoong hissed, “He loves me more than you ever know, and he’s told me time and time again how much he wants me to leave with him -“
Mother slapped him on the face, and she was shaking with anger, “You stupid boy. You think that you know so much about him. Do you know what kind of life you’re living? You’re foolish if you believe that he loves you. You are nothing but a play thing to a rich man like him, and you are even more stupid than I thought if you believe otherwise.”
Jaejoong fumed in silence, and she pressed on.
“You live in a cage, you stupid child. You are nothing more but a pretty ornament to be looked at, and if you think that what he feels for you is more than a passing attraction then you are sorely mistaken. He does not love you.”
Jaejoong fixed his kimono calmly. He raised his eyes and stared back at Mother’s furious ones coldly, “He loves me, and if you continue to talk to me this way, then I shall leave you and you will become a penniless -“
“If he truly loves you, then summon him here tonight. Let him come and explain things to me. If he does not show up, then you will listen to me for the rest of your career, and you will give me complete obedience.”
Jaejoong stared back unflinchingly and replied, “He will come.”
Mother turned her back away and walked out the door, “That remains to be seen.”
As soon as she was gone, Jaejoong glanced down at Chiharu. He knelt down and gently carded his fingers through her hair before he pressed a soft kiss to her forehead lovingly, “Don’t cry.”
Chiharu sniffled, “She’s going to kick me out -“
“She won’t, trust me,” Jaejoong murmured as he brought Chiharu into his arms and allowed her to sob onto his shoulder, “I’ll take care of you, I promise.” He pulled away from her and tilted her chin up, “You believe me, don’t you?”
Chiharu nodded, and he smiled at her encouragingly. He smoothened out her hair in a brotherly fashion and brushed away her tears, “You will tell Yunho in the morning to come here to the okiya, okay? Tell him everything.”
“You do not wish to explain to him yourself?”
Jaejoong shook his head, “I have faith that he will come even if I am not the one to ask him personally. If I tell him about everything that has transpired this past hour, he will never let me come back here.”
After a few minutes, Chiharu stopped sniffling and calmed down. Jaejoong brushed the last of her tears away and kissed her forehead once more. She looked up at him with an unsure expression on her face. “Are you afraid?” Chiharu whispered, “Are you afraid that he won’t come?”
Jaejoong looked back at her seriously. Although there was part of him that was afraid, more of him had faith in Yunho and in their love. No matter his insecurities, his soul seemed sure that Yunho would come.
“No, not at all,” Jaejoong said with a faint smile, “He loves me.”
o-o-o
“He’s not coming.”
Jaejoong raised his eyes off the candle on the table, and he stared at Mother with a serious expression on his face, “You hardly gave me a timeframe. What makes you so sure that he won’t be coming?”
Mother shut her accounting journal shut and stared at him, “Are you that blinded to still believe that he will? It is nearing midnight, and I need to assign someone to wait for Reina when she comes home -“
“It is still more than an hour before midnight,” Jaejoong snapped, “He is a busy man, and Chiharu told me that he has a meeting -“
Mother rolled her eyes disbelievingly and crushed her cigarette, “Meeting? He has none, of that I am sure. If I were to look in the teahouses, I am sure that I would find him in one of them. He is not coming -“
The door to Mother’s room slid open, and Jaejoong blinked at Chiharu, “What are you doing here?” he asked, “I told you to go to bed hours ago -“
“He is here.”
Jaejoong smiled smugly in Mother’s direction and stood up to leave the room, but Chiharu shook her head and motioned for him to sit back down, “He told me that both of you are to remain in the room.”
“Why is that?” Mother frowned and stood up, “If he is hiding something -“
The door slid open wider, and a man carrying a box stepped inside. He bowed to everyone before he placed it down onto the ground. Several more people came inside, and they all continued to bow before placing boxes onto the ground.
After the last man had left, Yunho stepped inside the room. He patted Chiharu on the head and gave her a small, intricately decorated box before he leant down and whispered a thank you. He bowed to Mother before he knelt down on the ground next to Jaejoong.
“What are in the boxes?” Mother questioned as she gestured to the numerous boxes that filled up her room.
Yunho smiled kindly, “Presents from me. I apologize for my tardiness,” he reached for Jaejoong’s hand and squeezed it lovingly, “I’ve filled them with numerous things such as tea, chocolate, make up, and kimonos. I do hope that they are enough to make up for the way -“
“What are you doing with Jaejoong?” Mother asked directly as she lit another cigarette and looked around the room, “You do realize that your relationship is bad for my business? Do you know what will happen if people find out about your relationship?”
“Personally, I do not care about their judgment,” Yunho answered with a shrug, “I do understand the consequences though which is why I have come here today. I am here to assure you that our relationship is not bad for your business.”
“Bribing me will not do.”
Jaejoong glanced at Yunho, and he noticed that Yunho’s cheery expression had hardened somewhat to a more serious look. He waited in anxious anticipation, and Yunho replied after a few seconds.
“I think Jaejoong has told you before that I wish for him to leave the okiya?”
Mother nodded, “He has.”
“I mean it each time I say it, but Jaejoong tells me that he has a contract with you. I would be willing to pay it off now -“
“I think not.”
Yunho chuckled, “I had a feeling you would say so, thus, I have another plan. As you can see, I have often booked Jaejoong -
“Get to the point.”
Yunho ignored the rudeness of Mother’s interruption and answered calmly, “I am more than willing to pay for Jaejoong’s time. I am a selfish man, and I want Jaejoong more than anything else in this world. I don’t want him to be paid to entertain anyone else, so feel free to charge me per month of his time. Charge me as you would charge a danna.”
Jaejoong’s eyes widened, and he let out a breath, “Yunho, you don’t -“
“I’m a selfish and jealous man,” Yunho said with a light hearted smile as he turned to look at Jaejoong, “Do you still love me?”
“Of course,” Jaejoong whispered, “Always.”
“Then I won’t regret anything,” Yunho replied as he took out his wallet and placed a large envelope onto the table. He slid it over to Mother, “I think that sum shall more than suffice for everything.”
He glanced at Jaejoong, “When your contract ends, you will leave with me. Is that okay with you?”
Jaejoong nodded, “Of course.”
“I take it that we have nothing to worry about then, correct?” Yunho questioned, “I have paid my dues, and I have settled any concerns. Whenever I’m not around, I would greatly prefer to keep Jaejoong here at the okiya.”
Mother eyed Yunho warily, “How will I be sure that -“
“I will pay for anything as long as your contract with Jaejoong persists. If you try to find some way to extend it, I will take action to prevent it. How much time is left in the contract?”
Jaejoong answered before Mother could, “One more year.” He raised his eyes and looked up at Yunho, “Will you -“
Yunho smiled, “I will still be here in one year, though I would prefer if we lived somewhere else after your contract is over. How do you feel about Osaka?”
The words hung in the air, and Jaejoong didn’t quite know how to respond. Yunho had asked him many times before about leaving, but he’d always had his contract with Mother as an excuse to say no to him rather than voicing the doubt that had been lingering in his mind ever since Yunho had first asked.
He feared what life would be like if they were together. Although he knew Yunho loved him, Jaejoong didn’t know how he could fit into Yunho’s life if he left the okiya. He could not bear him children, he could not be his wife, and he could not be fully his in public.
He would have no more purpose, and Jaejoong knew what happened when things lost their purpose.
They would be thrown away.
“I like it there, I went there once for a festival,” Jaejoong said softly as he placed a smile on his face despite the emotions he was feeling, “It’s a nice place.”
“Would you mind living there with me?” Yunho asked, ignoring Mother’s gaze completely and keeping his eyes on Jaejoong, “You’d be leaving one life behind in exchange for another.”
Jaejoong faltered before he answered, “Of course.” It seemed like Yunho didn’t notice the brief hesitation, and Jaejoong felt seized with guilt. He glanced at Mother, and he noticed how her eyes were set on him carefully.
“I must be on my way. I have a trip back to Seoul that I must prepare for,” Yunho glanced at Jaejoong, “If it is not too much to ask, Jaejoong may I ask for your company for just a few minutes in my car?”
Mother glanced at Yunho, “Let me speak to him for a few minutes.”
Yunho nodded, and he bowed before he left the room. As soon as the door slid shut, Mother tapped her cigarette on the ash tray, “It seems like I’ve misjudged things. All along, I had suspicions that he was the only playing tricks, but it seems like you are the real master of this game.”
Jaejoong stiffened, “What are you -“
“You’re more hard hearted than I thought,” Mother rasped in her strained voice as she watched Jaejoong, “I can recognize the game you’re playing. He’s more in love with you than you are with him, isn’t he?”
“How dare you -“
“I saw how you hesitated earlier, don’t think I’m stupid.”
Jaejoong narrowed his eyes at her, “It is not for reasons that you think of. How dare you insinuate that I am using him, the only reason I hesitated was because -“
“You cannot be his wife,” Mother said knowingly as her lips curved into a twisted smile as she watched him carefully, “The moment you leave this okiya, you shall lose any sort of use.”
“How dare you,” Jaejoong hissed as he tried to pretend that she had not hit a sore spot for him. He stood up immediately, “I will leave with Yunho in a year’s time, and I will prove to everyone that I am more than just some ornament to be looked at -“
“Did you forget about the existence of time Jaejoong?” Mother questioned seriously after she’d taken a deep drag of her cigarette, “You cannot bear Yunho a child, and your beauty will not last forever. Once he realizes that you are no longer of use to him, you shall have nothing but the remnants of what once was.”
Jaejoong’s heart clenched in his chest, but he did not allow Mother to see the satisfaction of her words hurting him. He turned away immediately and slid the door shut roughly before he let his face fall into his hands in the corridor.
He let out a shaky breath and steadied himself before he calmly went down the stairs to meet Yunho.
If there was one thing he was proud of aside from his beauty, it was his ability to hide his fear. As Jaejoong met Yunho’s eyes, he placed a pretty smile back onto his lips and hid behind his façade.
Jaejoong was sure that he loved Yunho more than anyone in the world, and he knew for sure that Yunho loved him in return. However, what he was also sure of was that he was not lovely enough to deserve Yunho’s feelings for a lifetime, and he was also sure that he all he had to offer Yunho was his imperfect character.
Without a doubt, Jaejoong held the opinion that he was not enough, and he feared the day that Yunho would realize that.
o-o-o
“You look even more beautiful today,” the painter commented as he dabbed his brush into his paint. He smiled appreciatively at Jaejoong, his eyes crinkling good naturedly as he did so.
Jaejoong hardly moved as he replied, “Thank you.”
Kazuya swirled his paint together and began to move his brush across the canvas, finally getting rid of the blankness. He spoke as he painted Jaejoong, “Although I sense that you are quite sad today.”
“Am I?” Jaejoong whispered as he stared out the window, trying to keep his thoughts in check. He didn’t want to speak much, and he knew of the painter’s talent at loosening the tongues of his subjects.
The painter nodded, “Yes, is it because Yunho is not here?”
Jaejoong refused to nod or answer, so he simply changed the topic instead. He moved his hands slightly and clasped them together, “Are you almost done?”
“Not yet,” Kazuya replied, “Yunho said he wanted the most beautiful portrait of you. He’s quite enraptured with you, though I don’t image you feel the same.”
Jaejoong’s heart clenched in his chest, and he tore his eyes away from the window to look at Kazuya. The painter was still busy fiddling with his paint, so he did not notice the distraught look that ruined Jaejoong’s once serene expression.
Why did no one believe that he loved Yunho?
He loved Yunho so much that his heart hurt whenever he went back to Korea. He loved Yunho so much that he didn’t care if he was rough or if he was gentle when they made love. He loved Yunho so much that just seeing him made his entire day complete.
He loved Yunho so much, but he was also afraid.
The joy that Yunho brought him was more than anything else in the world, and it made him feel scared that one day Yunho would leave. It made him worry that one day Yunho would leave him in the same way that Koichi did.
No matter how many times Yunho whispered his love to him, his cold heart refused to let go of his feelings of distrust and fear.
He was so damaged, and Yunho was too perfect. Jaejoong didn’t know how he could cope for much longer. He was a flawed being, and one day Yunho would see the cracks in his façade of perfection.
“Jaejoong!”
He was using Yunho, leading him along and trapping him into a cage. He was selfish for wanting Yunho to stay with him even though he was anything but the angel Yunho believed him to be.
His emotions were eating him up from the inside, and all he wanted was to not feel again. He wanted Yunho to be his, but he did not want Yunho to be with him. It was a contradiction, and Jaejoong wished desperately for all the confusion to go away.
He wanted to seclude himself from the world again - he wanted to be alone.
“Jaejoong!”
Paint dirtied fingers touched his kimono and shook his shoulders, Jaejoong jerked in surprise and he found himself staring into Kazuya’s worried and shocked eyes. He opened his mouth to ask what was wrong, but he realized what was wrong in a few seconds.
He was crying.
o-o-o
He was alone when he noticed Reina by the doorway of the okiya. Jaejoong watched her from across the street as she waited. He was still a distance away, and he doubted that she could see him from where he was.
The departure from Kazuya’s house had been awkward, and although Kazuya had promised to keep quiet about the incident, Jaejoong knew he wouldn’t. The moment Yunho came back, he had more than just a feeling that Kazuya would tell him about what had happened.
Jaejoong watched her carefully. He took in her proper appearance, and he noted how pretty she looked under the lights. Jaejoong slowly made his way to her, and she tilted her head slightly when she saw him.
“What do you want?” she questioned sharply as she clasped her hands in front of her.
Jaejoong said nothing at first and looked at her carefully. She was indeed a picture of elegance and beauty. He met her gaze, “Why are you still here? Don’t you have an appointment to go to?”
“Don’t you have an appointment?” Reina asked as she glanced at his less formal and extravagant choice of clothing, “You got back late. You should be dressed and out of the okiya by now.”
“My appointment with Kazuya ran late,” Jaejoong said breezily as means of explanation before he glanced away. He looked at her, “I want to know why you’re still here. Who are you waiting for?”
“I was on my way to leave. I was just thinking,” Reina replied. She shrugged and tucked a strand of her hair back, “Did you know that Mother thinks it is time for my mizuage?”
Jaejoong was silent, and he thought for a moment, “Do you feel like it is time? Have you made good enough relationships?”
“I think so,” Reina said confidently, “Mother says she already has a list of bidders in mind, but I have also given my own suggestion as well.”
“Who?”
“Jung Yunho, he seems like a respectable man, and he has more than enough money. We are often at the same events, and I think that your relationship with him shall help me in a way.”
Jaejoong swallowed hard, “I do not think he would bid.”
“I think he would. Is there any normal man that could resist the offer of beauty, even if it is for one night only?” Reina asked, her eyes boring into Jaejoong’s. “He is just like any other man, and I am sure he will bid. I may not be the most beautiful flower, but I am certainly beautiful in my own right.”
“You don’t know anything,” Jaejoong spat, “It is not about -“
“I am sure he has done the ceremony before. A few of my customers from the previous night discussed it. They said that they had heard that he usually wins bids. He supposedly participated in the ceremonies of the geishas Mariko and Nozomi.”
Jaejoong shook his head, “He is a friend of mine, and I know him to not be that kind of person. He would not participate. He would not engage in that sort of act with someone he does not love -“
“How do you know that he did not love them?” Reina questioned, and it was at that moment that Jaejoong knew how much he hated her. She knew of his relationship with Yunho, of that he was sure, and she was playing on his weaknesses.
He was a like a fish caught in a net, struggling to free himself from her words. It was the truth in her words that hurt him the most - he did not know much about Yunho’s past loves.
Reina was feeding his fear, and it was working.
“He is like any other person. You have too much faith in him, and I find that quite saddening.” Reina commented as she took her umbrella and opened it due to the drizzle that had started pouring from the sky, “Every once in a while, something catches our eye, but as time goes by, we forget about it and move onto the next object.”
She walked away from him and left him behind.
Jaejoong smiled bitterly at the sky before he went inside his home to drink himself to sleep. He was truly unlike any other person. He clung too hard to the past, and he refused to let go.
He was weak.
o-o-o
“Is something wrong?”
Jaejoong felt like breaking into a thousand pieces the moment Yunho’s words came out of his mouth. He clutched the tea pot a little tighter, and he kept his eyes on the light amber liquid in the intricately designed porcelain cups.
He didn’t know what to say without breaking down. The only thing that was holding him together was his love for Yunho. Jaejoong didn’t know how he could explain to Yunho how afraid he was and how confused he was.
“Do you love me?” Jaejoong whispered softly, his eyes still focused on the tea.
He was so concentrated on avoiding Yunho’s gaze that he didn’t realize that the other had stood up and moved across the table to sit next to him. Gentle hands brushed his hair back and turned his chin to look at him.
“Of course I love you,” Yunho murmured with a concerned look on his face.
Yunho’s hands moved away from Jaejoong’s face and took the teapot out of Jaejoong’s hands. Jaejoong looked up at him and smiled at him sadly, “I’m so sorry,” he whispered softly, “I’m sorry.”
“For?”
“I’m so afraid,” Jaejoong confessed as he met Yunho’s eyes. His hands were shaking, and as Yunho’s larger ones clasped onto them, he didn’t know how he could keep himself together.
“I love you, so much,” he continued, and he could feel tears prickling at the corners of his eyes, “I love you more than anything else in the world, and although I have all that love for you, I…”
Yunho squeezed his hands tightly, and Jaejoong felt tears escape his eyes.
“I’m a coward. I don’t know why you love me. I’m weak, and I’m scared all the time. I feel like you’re only settling for me, and I don’t want you to settle for me. Although we are puzzle pieces that fit perfectly, it does not mean that you will not fit with someone else. Although I want your love, I want you to be happy more than I want your love, and I do not know if I can offer you a lifetime of happiness.”
Jaejoong moved away from Yunho and wiped away the tears in his eyes, “I cannot give you the love you deserve because I am not worthy of it,” his smile was watery but beautiful as he looked at Yunho, “I am not worthy of the love you shower me, and I am not worthy of the money you spend on me. I will -“
“Are you asking me to leave you?” Yunho questioned, his tone serious but his look still gentle. He reached out to touch Jaejoong’s hands, “Are you telling me that I should leave you because you believe yourself to be unworthy of my love?”
Jaejoong took a shaky breath, and he nodded, “I’m giving you the chance to back out and leave. I cannot guarantee you happiness for every minute and for every day. You should look for someone that can do that for you. I am flawed, and I am imperfect. I am not as beautiful as you think I am.”
Yunho reached out and pulled Jaejoong closer, “No matter what happens, and no matter what you say, I will always find you beautiful,” Yunho murmured as he gently ran his thumb over Jaejoong’s cheek. “Whether it is after twenty years or more, you will always be my beautiful Jaejoong - both inside and out.”
“I am not -“
“I know we will not always be happy together,” Yunho murmured as he tilted Jaejoong’s face upward so that their eyes could meet, “There will be good times, and there will be bad times, but I will not spend any more seconds of my life without you. I wish that I had found you sooner so that I could have protected you from all the pain that you’ve experienced in your life.”
Jaejoong’s heart clenched in his chest, and tears slowly rolled down his cheeks. Yunho brushed them away, and when he let out a small sob, Yunho kissed his forehead tenderly and lovingly.
“How can I leave you when I love you?” Yunho whispered, “How can I leave you when you have taught me so much about patience and understanding? How can I leave you when I cannot imagine myself living a life without you in it?”
“Please don’t say that,” Jaejoong choked out, “Stop, don’t speak.” He stifled his tears and looked up at Yunho, “Why are you so perfect? Why do you know everything to say? Why can’t I be like you?”
“Stop.”
Yunho placed his finger over Jaejoong’s lips and silenced him effectively. The entire room fell silent, and Yunho slowly pulled his finger away. He ran his fingers through Jaejoong’s hair and hummed quietly.
“Love is…it is difficult to explain, don’t you think? It is more complex than just a relation to happiness because it can bring much sorrow as well. It is not just a pain, but it is also a remedy,” Yunho said slowly as he turned his eyes to meet Jaejoong’s, “Perhaps you have not realized it, but you have helped me find direction in life. When I saw you that first night, I wanted nothing more but to bring you joy.”
Jaejoong bit his lip, “I’m sorry.”
“For what? Not noticing?” Yunho questioned with a small smile on his face. Jaejoong nodded, and he chuckled softly, “It is okay to be focused on one’s own problems. It is a necessary selfishness, don’t you think?”
Seeing as Jaejoong did not respond, Yunho continued to speak, “The only way you can grant me happiness is if you allow me to stay close to you. Although you have already opened your heart to me, you have not fully recovered from the past.”
“Yunho…”
The taller man shook his head and placed a finger back over Jaejoong’s lips, “I will show you how beautiful you are, and one day, you will be able to entrust yourself to me without fear or apprehension.”
Yunho smiled kindly and brushed away the new tears that had begun to roll down Jaejoong’s cheeks, “Tonight, I ask a favor of you.”
“What is it?” Jaejoong questioned, “I would do anything for you.”
“Take care of my heart,” Yunho murmured as he took hold of Jaejoong’s hands and brought them to his lips, “Do not scare me again. If you are afraid, entrust me with your fears so that I may help you stand strong. If you are troubled, entrust me with your troubles so that I may help you find a solution. Do you love me? Will you do this for me? It’s all I ask of you.”
“Of course,” Jaejoong replied, “I love you.”
Yunho brought Jaejoong into the comfort of his embrace, and as Jaejoong melted into his warmth, he murmured, “One day, you will learn to love yourself as well.”
o-o-o
Jaejoong didn’t know how the process was supposed to start. He didn’t know how he was supposed to start loving himself, or how he was supposed to start treating himself any differently.
It didn’t seem like Yunho had any intention of explaining the process either. As soon as they’d left the dining room, Yunho had not brought the topic up again.
They’d gone to bed together, and Jaejoong inched closer to Yunho as soon as he felt fully awake. His hand skimmed over the broad expanse of the other man’s tanned, muscled chest, and he settled his hand over Yunho’s heart.
He pressed his hand down slightly and felt the beating of Yunho’s heart. Jaejoong watched as Yunho snored lightly, and he pressed a soft kiss to Yunho’s shoulder before he left him.
The bathroom was much more modern than the one in the okiya, and it was one of Jaejoong’s favorite places in the house. He slipped the robe off his body in a fluid motion and placed it onto a dry place before he looked for the shampoo that Yunho always set aside for him.
It was different from Yunho’s own shampoo, and it was from Korea. After commenting one day about how much he’d enjoyed it as a gift, Yunho made sure that he always had a bottle for Jaejoong to use whenever he slept over. It had such a light, clean, and natural scent yet was completely unique in comparison to anything Jaejoong had ever encountered before.
Jaejoong stared at the bottle for a few moments and had failed to realize that Yunho had come into the bathroom.
“It seems like you get distracted easily,” Yunho said lightly as he walked over to Jaejoong. He removed his clothes and placed them next to Jaejoong’s, “Shall we take a bath together?”
“You are shameless.”
“Only because I missed you,” Yunho said with a small smile as he walked over to turn on the water in the bathtub. He set himself down onto the tub, and he looked at Jaejoong curiously before he cocked his head to the side, “Should I be expecting you to join me?”
“Should I join you?” Jaejoong asked calmly, although he could feel himself hardening at the prospect. He walked over to Yunho, and the other man reached out to brush his hand against Jaejoong’s hardened member.
“Yes, you should.”
Jaejoong bit back a moan as Yunho’s hand wrapped around his cock and slid up and down slowly. He pulled Yunho’s hand away and frowned at him as best as he could in such an aroused state, “Patience.”
“Ah yes, patience.”
He climbed into the tub with Yunho and shut off the water before he leaned against Yunho and let his eyes flutter shut in contentment. Yunho’s strong arms wrapped around him and tugged him closer, causing Jaejoong to brush against Yunho’s own erection.
“We’ll never leave the bath,” Jaejoong whined as Yunho sat up and proceeded to thrust against him lightly. He reached out to uncap the shampoo, but Yunho took the bottle out of his hands.
“Let me do it,” Yunho said as he placed it onto his own hands before he massaged it onto Jaejoong’s scalp. His fingers moved in gentle motions, and Jaejoong leaned back against Yunho. “I love you like this,” Yunho murmured before he pressed a kiss to Jaejoong’s nape, “Willing and weak in my arms.”
Jaejoong turned his head, “Are you done?”
Yunho chuckled, “Yes my emperor, I am done. Would you like for me to -“
Before Yunho could get another word out, Jaejoong stood up and turned around so that he could sit down on Yunho’s lap. Their erections brushed together, and both men hissed at the pleasurable friction. It was a tight and slightly awkward position, but Jaejoong said nothing as he took Yunho’s shampoo and began to lather it onto the other’s hair.
Yunho moved his mouth forward and took hold of one of Jaejoong’s nipples in his mouth, gently sucking before he grazed it with his teeth. Jaejoong let out a small gasp, and he grasped onto Yunho’s hair as the other man moved onto the other nipple.
“Stop that,” Jaejoong hissed, “I’m trying to help you wash.”
“Can we not do other things as well?” Yunho questioned as he pulled away and wrapped his hand around their erections. He began to slowly move his hand up and down, stroking them both.
Jaejoong whimpered and buried his face into Yunho’s neck as Yunho began to stroke faster. He sank his nails into Yunho’s skin and moaned. Yunho’s hand moved away and Jaejoong immediately began to thrust against Yunho desperately, which caused water to gush out onto the floor.
“Get out of the bath,” Yunho hissed as more water sloshed out of the bath. Jaejoong bounced on Yunho’s lap shamelessly for a few more seconds before he moved to get out of the tub.
“Bedroom,” Yunho murmured as he gently pushed Jaejoong off his lap. As soon as they stumbled into the bedroom, lips meshed together and hands wandering, Jaejoong was slowly pushed down onto the mat.
He let out a loud moan as Yunho inserted shampoo slick fingers into him, and he whimpered when Yunho began to move them. Their bodies were slick with shampoo, water, and soap, but Jaejoong couldn’t bring himself to care as soon as Yunho replaced his fingers with his cock.
As usual, Yunho’s first few thrusts were shallow, but as their lust for one another heightened, Yunho began to thrust in more roughly. Jaejoong moaned with every thrust, and as Yunho began to bite at his throat, he could only dig his nails in deeper into Yunho’s back.
Jaejoong spread his legs further for Yunho, and as soon as Yunho paused, he let out an unabashed whine of disapproval. He looked up at Yunho with pleading eyes, and Yunho kissed his lips as an apology.
“I want you to ride me,” Yunho murmured as he adjusted himself for the new position.
Jaejoong crawled over on his knees, and he clambered over Yunho. He moaned softly as Yunho’s dick brushed against his, and he looked into Yunho’s eyes as his hands steadied himself on Yunho’s bath water slicked chest.
He’d never in his life imagined doing something so intimate, and as he fully lowered himself onto Yunho, Jaejoong moaned loudly. He steadied himself on Yunho and began to repeatedly lower and raise himself.
It was difficult, and Jaejoong could feel his muscles burning with each movement. He wanted so desperately for Yunho to just make things easier for him, but Yunho was enjoying the position. He could feel Yunho’s eyes watching his face for every breathless moan and pleasured mewl that escaped his lips, and he could hardly feel anything aside from the delicious friction.
Jaejoong moaned and came after a few thrusts, and he whimpered as soon as Yunho shifted them quickly and had him back onto his back. As Yunho thrust into him roughly, desperate to find his own release, Jaejoong could only mewl and writhe in pleasure underneath him.
Yunho ravaged his mouth, dominant and demanding. His tongue swept every corner, and Jaejoong could feel himself desperate for more. He held onto Yunho’s slick body, and it was just too much. He was still so sensitive, and Yunho was pushing into him with such roughness.
“You’re so beautiful,” Yunho groaned as he pushed in deeper and had Jaejoong seeing stars, “So beautiful, so beautiful,” he hissed as he sought his own release and Jaejoong’s second.
Yunho looked down at him with such dark and passionate eyes, that Jaejoong could feel himself close to his second release. Yunho thrust into him several more times, and they came together.
“The shampoo is still in your hair,” Yunho whispered with a tired smile as he reached out to touch Jaejoong’s locks, “Come.”
“I can barely move.”
Yunho chuckled and slowly moved off Jaejoong. They lied down next to each other and regained their breath before Yunho helped Jaejoong up and slowly led him back to the bath.
Jaejoong felt boneless as Yunho began to wash him. He turned around to bathe Yunho as well, and they shared soft, more timid kisses as they finished the ritual that had been interrupted by their passion. Their bath still took more than an hour longer than necessary, but neither party had any complaints.
“Come, I have somewhere to take you today,” Yunho murmured as he toweled Jaejoong off and hung the towel. He opened a cabinet which had spare clothing and led his lover to it, “We’re going to spend as much time together as possible.”
“Where?” Jaejoong asked as he reached out and selected a dark green kimono. He placed it aside and slipped into his undergarments before he turned back to see Yunho was staring at him.
Yunho shook his head and smiled, “It’s a surprise. I have plans for you.”
“What kind?” Jaejoong questioned curiously, “Surely you could not have made them just now? I cannot think of a time when you would have been able to -“
“I made the necessary arrangements while you slept,” Yunho murmured as he walked over to help Jaejoong dress. While a man’s kimono was much easier to put on than that of a woman’s, Jaejoong appreciated the extra attention Yunho gave him.
“You shouldn’t have done that.”
Yunho made a noise of disagreement, “I told you, I would do anything for you to see how beautiful you are.” He kissed Jaejoong’s neck and turned him around so that they could look into each other’s eyes.
Jaejoong felt his heart melt in his chest, and he smiled at Yunho kindly, “What kind of plans? Surely you could tell me one?”
“I just plan on romancing you,” Yunho confessed lightly as his hands moved over to Jaejoong’s waist, “Perhaps if I make you realize what qualities I love about you, you shall also begin to love those qualities as well.”
“Was this morning’s activity part of that plan as well?” Jaejoong questioned with a teasing smile as he gestured to the water that was scattered around Yunho’s bathroom, and the messy bed that could be seen through the open door.
Yunho chuckled and buried his face into Jaejoong’s neck as he smiled, “Think of it as a very enjoyable exercise…that we hopefully shall do again sometime soon.”
Part 2