Middle of the storm
I feel like I'm swimming in the middle of the ocean, all alone, in a storm. I can't see no solution and I'm already tired of swimming.
It's kinda ironical how happy I was three years ago and how excited I was to start college. Next week I'm starting college and I can't feel any of that happiness in me.
I don't know what to do anymore. Seriously. My parents are still in the middle of the divorce - still living under the same roof. Dad left without saying a thing a while ago, spent two weeks not knowing anything about him. He just appeared outta nowhere and since that he hasn't left. But he and my mom aren't okay - not even close.
Today was harsh, ya know? She asked him if he was willingly to give another shot to their 21 years old relationship. He didn't answer her. And I just can't take the tears anymore. I wish I could know what the hell is wrong with my dad. He and I never had a good relationship; he has always lashed out to me, never gave me a chance. I could live with that, he loved my brother and sister more than he loved me, he loved my mom, he just didn't get along with me. Last year we started getting along: that shouldn've been my first clue, he started falling out with my sis and my mom - my bro is outta the picture, he moved out eight years ago and never spoke to me again.
Now, my dad is just a shadow at home. He pretends everything is okay, but we all know he's just living his own life, not giving a damn about anyone. He used to talk so much with my sis, now he doesn't speak to her anymore. I can't talk to him, because all I wanna do is punch his face. I wanted to understand, what made him think he was so damn worth it, that he could throw his family away?
Now, I have to say to all mom's and dads out there: You're the one who decided to create a family. You gave origin to a child, who will need your support and love forever. If you can't or is unwillingly to be responsible for that child, to love him/her despite his/her sexuality, despite his/her religion, if you can't love them more than you love yourself, then DON'T HAVE A CHILD. The minute you decide to have a kid of your own, you take second place, ALWAYS. Because everything you do will affect that kid, even if you think it won't. Cheating on your husband/wife, means you'll be lying to the kid. Running away from your problems, mean you'll teach your kid to be a coward and probably hate you or grow up like you. Beating people up, mean you'll teach the kid to be a bully or hate you.
Seriously, take responsibility for what you put on earth. If you can't handle it, don't!!!!
The situation I am in now is horrible. My parents are fighting so damn hard, all the time, that I've failed to get into the college that I wanted most. It was my dream, and now it's shattered. Because they fought every day. I couldn't study or sleep. I wish I was old enough to run away, sometimes, back then. Now, I'm not a minor, but I can't just disappear.
I'm unsure if I chose the right thing to study at college and my parents and my sis are so focused on their problems they can't even talk to me. And I've dreamed so big, only to fall so hard.
I've applied to Law School but sometimes I wonder if this is what I should be doing.
I've always struggled with three major colleges: Law, Gastronomy and Literature. I chose Law, but sometimes I wish I had chosen Literature. My life is all about writing, I can't live without writing. Although, Law will give me the chance to do social work, which has been my passion since I lost my best friend in Haiti's earthquake. In the other hand, Gastronomy is the thing I love to do in my free time; I'm happier when I'm cooking shit for myself or for my family.
I've just started college, and I'm not sure if this is the right thing. All that I know is that I'm going to Amazon in August, to participate in social work with families that have no health care. And on the side, I'll be trying to publish my book. And giving english classes to children in a project. And working as a subtitler.
Yeah, my whole life is laid ahead of me and I can't sit and cry.
So, like I always say, suit up, suck it up and march on! Hopefully, the next time I write it'll be with good news.
Oh, yeah, I'm starting to learn how to drive...That's a good new, right?
EDIT: And, the best news is: I'm sending my first book to publication. Hopefully, it won't be turned down...My poems were turned down, unfortunatly - poetry, in Brazil, is considerate a lost art. Wish me luck ;)
See ya (and I'm feeling much better after venting ;D)
T.
It's kinda ironical how happy I was three years ago and how excited I was to start college. Next week I'm starting college and I can't feel any of that happiness in me.
I don't know what to do anymore. Seriously. My parents are still in the middle of the divorce - still living under the same roof. Dad left without saying a thing a while ago, spent two weeks not knowing anything about him. He just appeared outta nowhere and since that he hasn't left. But he and my mom aren't okay - not even close.
Today was harsh, ya know? She asked him if he was willingly to give another shot to their 21 years old relationship. He didn't answer her. And I just can't take the tears anymore. I wish I could know what the hell is wrong with my dad. He and I never had a good relationship; he has always lashed out to me, never gave me a chance. I could live with that, he loved my brother and sister more than he loved me, he loved my mom, he just didn't get along with me. Last year we started getting along: that shouldn've been my first clue, he started falling out with my sis and my mom - my bro is outta the picture, he moved out eight years ago and never spoke to me again.
Now, my dad is just a shadow at home. He pretends everything is okay, but we all know he's just living his own life, not giving a damn about anyone. He used to talk so much with my sis, now he doesn't speak to her anymore. I can't talk to him, because all I wanna do is punch his face. I wanted to understand, what made him think he was so damn worth it, that he could throw his family away?
Now, I have to say to all mom's and dads out there: You're the one who decided to create a family. You gave origin to a child, who will need your support and love forever. If you can't or is unwillingly to be responsible for that child, to love him/her despite his/her sexuality, despite his/her religion, if you can't love them more than you love yourself, then DON'T HAVE A CHILD. The minute you decide to have a kid of your own, you take second place, ALWAYS. Because everything you do will affect that kid, even if you think it won't. Cheating on your husband/wife, means you'll be lying to the kid. Running away from your problems, mean you'll teach your kid to be a coward and probably hate you or grow up like you. Beating people up, mean you'll teach the kid to be a bully or hate you.
Seriously, take responsibility for what you put on earth. If you can't handle it, don't!!!!
The situation I am in now is horrible. My parents are fighting so damn hard, all the time, that I've failed to get into the college that I wanted most. It was my dream, and now it's shattered. Because they fought every day. I couldn't study or sleep. I wish I was old enough to run away, sometimes, back then. Now, I'm not a minor, but I can't just disappear.
I'm unsure if I chose the right thing to study at college and my parents and my sis are so focused on their problems they can't even talk to me. And I've dreamed so big, only to fall so hard.
I've applied to Law School but sometimes I wonder if this is what I should be doing.
I've always struggled with three major colleges: Law, Gastronomy and Literature. I chose Law, but sometimes I wish I had chosen Literature. My life is all about writing, I can't live without writing. Although, Law will give me the chance to do social work, which has been my passion since I lost my best friend in Haiti's earthquake. In the other hand, Gastronomy is the thing I love to do in my free time; I'm happier when I'm cooking shit for myself or for my family.
I've just started college, and I'm not sure if this is the right thing. All that I know is that I'm going to Amazon in August, to participate in social work with families that have no health care. And on the side, I'll be trying to publish my book. And giving english classes to children in a project. And working as a subtitler.
Yeah, my whole life is laid ahead of me and I can't sit and cry.
So, like I always say, suit up, suck it up and march on! Hopefully, the next time I write it'll be with good news.
Oh, yeah, I'm starting to learn how to drive...That's a good new, right?
EDIT: And, the best news is: I'm sending my first book to publication. Hopefully, it won't be turned down...My poems were turned down, unfortunatly - poetry, in Brazil, is considerate a lost art. Wish me luck ;)
See ya (and I'm feeling much better after venting ;D)
T.