[ANON POST] Reception of trans boy at a Reform synagogue

[kutsuwamushi]

What sort of response would a trans boy (who until now everyone thought was a girl) who was transitioning and starting to present as male get at a fairly large Reform synagogue in a major US city? Setting is modern day. There are several gay and lesbian couples in the congregation, and most people are OK with that, but obviously just because people

Comments

[miri_d]

For reform Judaism, it may not a serious problem, but in general my experience with Judaism is that we tend to be a fairly exclusive group. I attend a Conservative synagogue, I grew up as Conservative, and I wouldn't dare come out as lesbian to anyone there. I dunno what kinda lucky duck frou frou rainbows and hippies upbringing spikesjojo had, but being gay is something that is frowned upon by every single rabbi I have spoken to, even the reform ones (at least, from a religious standpoint - secularly, they're fine with it). It's definitely considered a sin against god, although in modern times people are becoming more accepting of it, that's true. Forget being trans entirely, though, that is so far beyond the pale of bizarre and unacceptable behavior that boy you'd better hope you transition quickly and present as male better than most men do. No Conservative synagogue is going to turn you away for being gay or trans, but that's because you sure as hell had better not tell them. Jewish communities are extremely close, so if you suddenly start exhibiting "strange behavior", you may get iced out by all but your closest of friends, and if you're new to the synagogue, you're going to have a very difficult time making friends or getting anyone other than the young teenagers to talk to you. You won't get invitations to events, and people are definitely going to talk about you behind your back. And I'm not sure how it works in the christian world, but in the jewish world, especially if you're conservative or reform, simply attending services is only half of the reason you go to synagogue, if that. It's definitely a hugely social function/deal.

My suggestion is if you want your trans boy to be accepted, have him attend a university Hillel organization. They tend to be reform, and because they're a university org, they also encounter much more "bizarre" people who claim to be Jewish than the older, established synagogues in the cities. Punk kids with piercings, queers, trans* people, and people questioning their religion are all much more likely to be accepted, or at least not stared at, in a university hillel setting. Even if their bodies and their beings go against the tenets of Judaism.

[spikesjojo]

I beg your pardon? I dunno what kinda lucky duck frou frou rainbows and hippies upbringing spikesjojo had??

Why, when she is specific about a reform congregation that is accepting of gays do you answer about a Conservative congregation that is not open to gays and then claim I am from a lucky duck frou frou rainbows and hippies upbringing?
Of course, Orthodox and Hasid Jews would disapprove - but, FYI, Conservative Jews have approved gay weddings, and gay Rabbis http://www.foxnews.com/us/2012/06/01/conservative-jews-approve-gay-wedding-guidelines/

I've been to two urban congregations here. They really don't have an issue with gays and trans. I don't think things are quite a dire as you are saying - and I really don't appreciate the insult.

[miri_d]

Tbh I don't remember posting that comment, so I'm sorry I was rude like that. I think I was internet-ing on NyQuil last night. But what urban environment are you in? Because I grew up in San Diego and now live in Los Angeles, two major urban environments in an extremely liberal state, and it seems that the article you're linking sort of reinforces what I was saying - they'll allow Teh Gay in, and they'll do homosexual marriage ceremonies in some synagogues now, sure, but that's not what I grew up with, and considering that it was just decreed this past summer, it probably hasn't filtered down to many synagogues throughout the country. And what I grew up with was "Okay, sure, great, you're gay, we'll allow you in but you don't get equal treatment and you'd better not draw attention to yourself." Furthermore, if that's the attitude given towards homosexuals who aren't externally "unusual" (that is, they present as the gender they were born as), I can't even imagine how it is for a trans* person. What I was attempting to say though, I think, was that although Reform communities are to a certain extent much more liberal, Jewish communities in general tend to be very exclusive, especially to those perceived as "strange" (from my own experiences outside of synagogues). But yeah, reading back I didn't really respond to what OP was looking for, which is why I really should not be using my computer while taking medication that makes you drowsy. I honestly have no recollection of that comment.

[spikesjojo]

I live in Tucson AZ now. Yeah, I am amazed at how different things are than when I went to Hebrew school (45 years ago). When the Torah is taken out and carried through the congregation the children go first. They shout and jump and make a very joyful noise. It is so much more relaxed and accepting.

When I was growing up I was a city kid in a suburban temple with an odd background (suffice it to say we were the only McCrossens in the congregation).- so I do understand what you mean. But the Reform congregations I have seen here are very open. They have outreach programs for intermarried couples, and for Jewish LGBT. I think they've finally realized that disapproval is a potent force in a very negative way. Since we have a much smaller Jewish population here, the Reform synagogues really want to bring people in rather than chase them out.

Since her book is set in modern days, I assume she wants more modern ways of handling things. BTW - the Conservatives started allowing openly gay and lesbian Rabbis six years ago, so I assume they too are changing but slower than Reform (as always). Yes, there will be raised eyebrows and some people disapproving but that's true in almost every setting - and for every person.

Thank you for the apology - lord knows I have been guilty of the same. I internet-ed on Ambien and that really was a disaster.