[ANON POST] Reception of trans boy at a Reform synagogue

[kutsuwamushi]

What sort of response would a trans boy (who until now everyone thought was a girl) who was transitioning and starting to present as male get at a fairly large Reform synagogue in a major US city? Setting is modern day. There are several gay and lesbian couples in the congregation, and most people are OK with that, but obviously just because people

Comments

[rosehiptea]

You might want to check into a book called Balancing on the Mechitza, which deals with a lot of personal stories from that point of view. (Not all are about Reform Jews or trans men specifically, but I think at least one was about just that, though he was older.)

(I hope you also get good answers from commenters! But you might want to look at that also.)

[spikesjojo]

Wouldn't be an issue - Jews do not take the bible as literal, and there is no original sin, no personal salvation. Therefore - Tikkun Olam - means celebrating differences and healing the earth. Born and raised Jewish - have a daughter who was gender dysmorphic until she was 27. Besides, there are enough medical personnel in the Jewish community to explain that this is how God created the young man. There is no sin involved, and no reason to object.

[spikesjojo]

If I may add - the Jewish religion consider homosexuality a sin at the same level as not washing your hands before a meal or eating seafood. Those are not issues of import. The heart and the actions are what matter.

[thistle_chaser]

The more I hear about the Jewish religion, the more I like it. What reasonable rules!

If I had to pick a religion, I'd be Jewish for sure.

Edit: I really should read all the comments before commenting myself. :P I'm glad your experience was good though!

[spikesjojo]

Well, it works for me - though I am pretty secular. Given that I grew up in the 60's, I have been pleased and amazed at how accepting the Reform community is now (having a child who was trans). But I will say we are a disputatious people. The old saying is that 3 Jews on a desert island will start 4 synagogues and 5 newspapers. ;)

[carmarthen]

I have a friend who converted to Judaism I think more or less concurrently with transitioning; it wasn't a problem for the conversion, at any rate (I think they were more concerned he was converting to piss off his father).

[miri_d]

For reform Judaism, it may not a serious problem, but in general my experience with Judaism is that we tend to be a fairly exclusive group. I attend a Conservative synagogue, I grew up as Conservative, and I wouldn't dare come out as lesbian to anyone there. I dunno what kinda lucky duck frou frou rainbows and hippies upbringing spikesjojo had, but being gay is something that is frowned upon by every single rabbi I have spoken to, even the reform ones (at least, from a religious standpoint - secularly, they're fine with it). It's definitely considered a sin against god, although in modern times people are becoming more accepting of it, that's true. Forget being trans entirely, though, that is so far beyond the pale of bizarre and unacceptable behavior that boy you'd better hope you transition quickly and present as male better than most men do. No Conservative synagogue is going to turn you away for being gay or trans, but that's because you sure as hell had better not tell them. Jewish communities are extremely close, so if you

[spikesjojo]

I beg your pardon? I dunno what kinda lucky duck frou frou rainbows and hippies upbringing spikesjojo had??

Why, when she is specific about a reform congregation that is accepting of gays do you answer about a Conservative congregation that is not open to gays and then claim I am from a lucky duck frou frou rainbows and hippies upbringing?
Of course, Orthodox and Hasid Jews would disapprove - but, FYI, Conservative Jews have approved gay weddings, and gay Rabbis http://www.foxnews.com/us/2012/06/01/conservative-jews-approve-gay-wedding-guidelines/

I've been to two urban congregations here. They really don't have an issue with gays and trans. I don't think things are quite a dire as you are saying - and I really don't appreciate the insult.

[miri_d]

Tbh I don't remember posting that comment, so I'm sorry I was rude like that. I think I was internet-ing on NyQuil last night. But what urban environment are you in? Because I grew up in San Diego and now live in Los Angeles, two major urban environments in an extremely liberal state, and it seems that the article you're linking sort of reinforces what I was saying - they'll allow Teh Gay in, and they'll do homosexual marriage ceremonies in some synagogues now, sure, but that's not what I grew up with, and considering that it was just decreed this past summer, it probably hasn't filtered down to many synagogues throughout the country. And what I grew up with was "Okay, sure, great, you're gay, we'll allow you in but you don't get equal treatment and you'd better not draw attention to yourself." Furthermore, if that's the attitude given towards homosexuals who aren't externally "unusual" (that is, they present as the gender they were born as), I can't even imagine how it is for a trans* person. What I was attempting to say though, I

[spikesjojo]

I live in Tucson AZ now. Yeah, I am amazed at how different things are than when I went to Hebrew school (45 years ago). When the Torah is taken out and carried through the congregation the children go first. They shout and jump and make a very joyful noise. It is so much more relaxed and accepting

[rosefox]

You might want to read Joy Ladin's memoir; she transitioned in a different context, but there's some very good stuff in there about how her community reacted, including the Jewish university where she still teaches.

In an urban Reform synagogue, I expect most people would think your character was a butch lesbian and be pretty comfortable with that, as it's not unheard of for Jewish women in Reform communities to wear men's clothes and kippot and so on. The awkward part would be explaining that he isn't butch, he's male.

How old is your protagonist? "Boy" could mean 7 or 17, and that will affect things somewhat.

[rosefox]

OP here. The boy is eleven. He has always worn boy's clothes and cut his hair short, and pretty much everyone (parents included) assumed he was just a tomboy like his sister. Even before he starts on hormones and stuff, he's usually read as a pretty boy, so passing isn't really a problem; most people who saw him without knowing his history would just assume he's a cis boy. But his family has been part of the congregation since before he was born, so most people do know his history.

Thanks for the book rec!

[antongarou]

If he's eleven he probably won't be attending synagogue regularly yet, except for the more social events and maybe Yom Kippur, this starts around Bar/Bas Mitzve - that's can be the point he will be "breaking" strongly with the assumptions around his female identity, if you want to play it like that, since he will probably insist on a Bar Mitzve(which is celebrated at 13) rather then Bas Mitzve(which is celebrated at 12).

[squidger]

At my synagogue (Reconstructionist) and a lot of other fairly liberal ones, both boys and girls get Bar/Bat Mitzvah'ed at 13 in the US.