Do I still want you...
Lately you have been coming in and out of my dreams and to me I find it so stressful since I wake up trying to figure out if the dream is real. My dreams of you only come as nightmares it’s no longer a question of love that part is over and I have been living my life the way I should have long ago. Like in real life when you used to break my walls now my subconscious mind. I don’t need you anymore. I don’t hate you I just don’t want you coming into my dreams. I have given enough even more than I should. I’m content to know your happy now and that you have finally made your choice no longer using my love against me. I already gave myself reason why you are the way you are like the idea of good and evil. Maybe your kind heart is also selfish. Maybe your masks are only there to deceive not to hide who you really are. You asked me why it was me you called those times you needed someone my answers is because I was safe and that you can trust me. You could always tell the truth from my eyes and you know that my heart belonged to you. Even when you said you loved me those were just words to you without meaning because if you did you wouldn’t do the things you did. I tried so hard to find that person I thought I met in you that person with values and that genuine person who is not afraid to be true to himself and others, that person who wasn’t hurtful that person with the kind heart. I was only fooling myself believing that person existed. I hope everyday that what was meant to be is how we are now. My feelings can only be valid when it happens and this time out of those that I somehow knew was to happen this one is the only one I no longer want to come true. I never thought that this would happen that my heart would no longer want you. I guess I’ve learned to adapt to the whole scenario your absence made it so much easier. I’m no longer confused with what you really need. I’ve managed to forgive myself from my foolishness. I am truly blessed because the situation didn’t destroy my soul. Who I am and what I’ve become it only made me a better person who is not afraid to love and be kind.
I hate to have this feeling like I did with the last one…this too shall end. I hope I’m wrong this time because even when things ended the way it did I still wish you well and hope that you find what you are looking for. I’ve never been so sensitive about anyone in my life the way I have with you. I never had this feelings as if I know how I feel as something to be true. Prove me wrong and I’ll be happier.
Maybe I have to send that letter I have for you that’s pending. Maybe making amends with you will give peace. Oh I will have to think about that. Maybe for me doing what’s right is always the best thing to do and when you did something wrong saying sorry and hoping to the gods that you will not make the same mistake is the right thing to do.
So do I still want you…I can now say straight forwardly I know longer want the person who made my heart ache so badly broke my heart I don’t even know how many times that I can’t even tell when it was the end or it was just that day. I know longer want the person who played me who confused my heart.
But it was extraordinary for me…not the mediocre type that I always chose to have. The character of Cameron from HOUSE comes in to my head because I can understand why she fell in love with Dr. House.
Oh just stop coming into my dreams I’m okay now and I’m sure you hope that I would be. I no longer want you love I only want my peace.