A Stitch In Time (4/6)
Title: A Stitch In Time
Chapter: 4/6
Author: little_artemis (AKA balthiersgirl on y!, and littleartemis everywhere else)
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Supernatural
Characters/Pairing: Dean Winchester, Castiel, Jimmy Novak, Claire Novak, Dean/Cas
Warning: nudity, rough housing, talk of anxiety/depression
Summary: Things had been messed up big time the first time around. Opening Purgatory, and everything else that came with it, so maybe a second chance was all the Winchester's and Castiel needed to patch things up. To right the wrongs and maybe a certain pair of idiots would finally see how much they loved each other.
Notes:
Disclaimer: All characters, and the world belong to their respective owners. I claim no rights to them, and make no profit from this fan work.
The next day went smoothly. Deciding he needed some time to relax, Dean went to visit Jimmy with Cas. Denying all accusations that he was avoiding Sam and the entire ‘I want to join the FBI’ talk. Especially knowing it would have been brought up to Mary and John by now. They would want to talk with Dean about it...wanting him to get Sam to give up this idea of joining the FBI and it would just drive Dean into taking as many anxiety meds as he could.
Especially knowing he could do nothing to stop Sam from doing this. From blindly running in to try and find who kill Jessica when they had no idea if it was even murder...Though his Mother seemed to be under the impression Dean felt she was just following along in Sam’s distress.
To Dean’s silent joy Cas seemed to quietly encourage it. A worried look on his face for his friends well being but Dean just smiled reassuringly in return. Even if he felt broken inside. His guts churning knowing that Sam would be among the potentials at the office, whether he liked it or not. Sam was a Winchester after all...when they got an idea in their head they would pursue it consequences be damned.
It was how Dean ended up as an agent despite his Mother wanting him to pursue something safer. Like law school.
Yet here he was with the scars to prove his...’dedication’. A dedication in which for some reason he had yet to leave the job. Maybe because he liked knowing he was doing something with his life for once...that he was not a failure...
That maybe, just maybe, he could do something with himself that did not end horribly. Though Cas insisted he would have done better with some kind of engineering career. Like building or fixing cars.
After all he had a talent with that. He had built his ‘67 Chevrolet Impala from the ground up more than once. Took apart and put back together a radio. Worked on electronics most of his life. At times he wished he had taken Cas’ advice. His Mother would have been happier about it, after all he would have been safer for it. No scars from explosions and the like...
At the same time he did not know if he could stand knowing that Cas was at a job that endangered him. He was calmer back before he got the job but...he was still in love with Castiel. Really in love.
To the point where it ruined every other relationship he tried to have because they could tell he wanted someone else. Namely his best friend who made Dean’s heart race just by existing. Who Dean would spend every waking moment with if he could.
The one who he would crawl into bed next to if he was having nightmares or just needed comforting. Just to feel Cas’ arms around him, fingers in his hair as he hummed some song softly to himself.
Who was there for him from the beginning to now. Through their schooling, training, relationships and breakups. Who supported Dean when he realized he was not as straight as everyone thought he was.
Honestly he had known he liked more than just girls since Cas kissed him...Probably even long before that if he thought hard enough on it.
They called it ‘pansexuality’. To have the capacity to be sexually attracted to someone regardless of sex or gender. At least that was how Dean termed his. But he had tunnel vision...
His eyes were only on the dark haired agent he had known since he was a baby. His first best friend, and the first person he could remember seeing other than his parents. Whose name was the first word he said.
The one who had pushed him aside when they were little. Who he was worried about confessing his attraction to because he did not know if he could survive without him. Just the thought of it made his stomach ache, along with his heart.
Cas might just push him away and then avoid him if Dean ever mentioned his feelings for him. How he had loved him since they were children. Since Dean kissed him back when they were in school. and the boy did not even know what kissing was like. Cas had been his first kiss, and Dean wanted him to be his last.
To be the one he woke up to, and went to sleep to. His hello and good-bye. The one with him through everything now and to come.
But maybe it was not meant to be?
Cas was a good guy, attractive to boot. He could have anyone he wanted. Was just a matter of finding someone who could stomach the scars consuming half his body. The scars Dean wanted to press kisses to and trace with his fingers.
The scars that saved his life...
Holding Claire to his chest he gave her a small smile as the baby reached out to touch his nose. Her bright eyes looked up into his, a wide smile lighting up the little girls face. She was bouncing and giggling making Dean wish he did not have to leave her soon. Jimmy, Amelia and their daughter would be going tonight, leaving for their home. Then tomorrow he and Castiel would be heading back to headquarters and their training along with any assignments the boss had for them.
That and Sam wanting to join the force...
Things he did not want to think about or for that matter deal with. If he could he would go on an extended vacation, take Castiel with him. Just find some place far off to relax. Destress. Not think of all the pressures of work, love, family and the likes.
Unfortunately his life tended not to agree with him.
It seemed like not too long later the Novak’s were gone leaving him with just Castiel. His angel on his shoulder or at least he liked to think of him that way.
They both exchanged tired smiles, though Dean was more emotional exhaustion. No time alone just get back to the hotel and sleep as they would be gone early in the morning. Heading back home to where Dean would continue to be in denial of his love for his childhood best friend, while Cas was completely oblivious.
Back to watching Cas date other people, and those people leaving him because he was disfigured in the line of duty. If he could shoot them and get away with it he would...
It was then on a dark, cloudy morning they left on their airplane back to their boring lives. Cas trying to cheer Dean up with things on his laptop as Dean only watched with half interest. His mind was elsewhere knowing that they would want him to up his appointments with his therapist just to get through the day at work. Even if it would not work.
Not even upping his medications would help. But if it helped them sleep at night, so be it. Would not help him with the nightmares he suffered through...
The hours passed quietly with Dean passing through the office like a ghost, jumping at the slightest things. His mind was constantly focused on the past week. He only smiled when Cas spoke with him though it was forced. Everything about him seemed sluggish and pushed. Like there was a heavy weight on his shoulders holding him down and keeping him from moving easily.
Some dark cloud hanging over his head keeping the light out.
It was why he knew this talk would come as soon as they were back at their apartment.
“You need to see your therapist.” The first words from Cas’ mouth after entering the door behind Dean cornering him in the room so that Dean could not escape likely.
Rolling his eyes he did not look at his friend, tugging at his tie as he tried to remove it. “It’ll do me no good Cas. We both know that. He can’t help me. No one can...” His voice trailed off, standing still as a familiar hand rested on his shoulder. He let out a sigh trying not to make it too obvious that he was leaning into the touch.
“It’ll help you get your emotions out though...you can’t keep it all pent up. You can’t deny it Dean, I’ve known you your entire life. Even I’m scared about Sam joining the force, and I know there’s nothing we can do to stop him. But you need to talk to someone. Especially if you won’t talk to me. I worry about you...” His free arm wrapped around Dean in a sort of half embrace, head resting against Dean’s shoulder. He had to resist the shudder as he felt Cas smiling against his neck when he rested one of his hands over the other man’s.
Just the feeling of chapped skin against his sent electric waves through him that he almost could not contain.
Holding Cas’ hand tight in his own he tried to hold himself still. Not pull away violently like he wanted to. This was everything he wanted and needed. Everything he had only ever fantasized about. Here...right within reach. But at the same time not. Because Cas was doing this only as a friend and it was something empty. Something while loving not the kind Dean needed and longed for.
The kind he desired.
What he had dreamt of and waited for.
Slowly he pulled himself away from Cas, turning to give him a small smile. His one hand still held the others, green eyes focused on it for a moment before releasing it quickly, looking away. “I’ll be fine...really. You know me. Always pushing through.” He forces a smile, eyes meeting Cas’.
“That’s just it Dean...you’re always pushing yourself to keep trudging on. Ignoring your own problems. Hiding them, covering them up and burying them deep down. You fucking repress everything! Your emotions, issues, the fact that you need help. So much so that no one but me seems to even notice that anything is wrong with you! And I don’t know how. Maybe Mary is hoping you’ll see it yourself or something? But no, you’re too dense to just ask. You need to take care of yourself Dean!” Cas’ hands were animated through his tirade, flying everywhere around him in a manner Dean had never seen before. The other man was so good at staying calm and collected...he had forgotten that a storm could sometimes brew inside him.
Cas’ calm was like the eye of the storm after all.
Frustrated the agent ran fingers through his hair, pacing the living room of their apartment, holding a hand up with one threatening finger pointed to Dean when he moved to go to his room. “Don’t you move...don’t you dare move. This is not over.” His mouth opened to protest but the fingers uncurled, hand up to stop him.
“It is over, Cas. Nothing can be done to help me. Everyone’s going to move on eventually, they always do. I’ll probably die in some mission after having a panic attack and freezing up, then everyone will forget about me. Sam’s going to join the force, I can’t stop him. I’m going to die alone because everyone I try and date knows I love someone who I can’t get out of my fucking head. Not to mention I’m a complete failure.
“Sometimes I wonder if just becoming some screw up mechanic and taking over Dad’s business was the better idea. Hell Mom and Dad might be proud of me finally then.” He was getting more than just a little frustrated. He wanted Cas to hold him and make it better...but Cas could not. Dean would not let him. He did not want to ruin what they had...what he needed.
Slowly Cas approached making Dean back up like some scared animal. He was stiff, his posture and cold look imposing. While Dean did not want to back down...he had to. Faced with that look and Cas’ more aggressive demeanor he just had to. Head bowed in submission just wanting the talk to end so he could curl up in his blankets and pretend Sam was not signing up for a job that could kill him.
That his life was not meaningless and hopeless.
He was not completely pathetic pining for something he could not have...someone he could not have.
It took everything in him not to shudder as a gentle hand reached out to cup the side of his face. Pulling him in closer to the other agent, the free arm wrapping around his waist. He just rested his head on Cas’ shoulder, hands on his friend’s chest as he cried. Hating that he was so weak and unable to just pull himself together and keep trudging on.
Even more he hated that Cas saw just how broken he was...
He did not even ask Dean about everything he said. Only kissing his forehead like he had back when they were children.
Back before everything got complicated.
The way he would kiss away Dean’s tears whenever the younger boy was hurt, telling him it would be okay. That Cas was there and he would not let anything hurt Dean.
It was on those days Dean swore he saw the faint outline of wings on Cas’ back...
Some days he still swore Cas must have them. The faint barely there sight of foreboding black wings. Larger than the other man. The size of two full grown humans.
Dean had been obsessed with the idea as a child...and to some extent he still was. He had a sketch-book filled with drawings of Castiel with large black wings. His friend...his guardian angel. More in a metaphorical sense...but something he needed through his life and still did now.
His mother always said angels were watching over him. It seemed more often than not she was right and he was right before Dean’s eyes all these years...
Letting out a small noise of distress his legs wrapped around Cas’ waist as he was lifted with surprising ease. The smaller man holding Dean up as he carried him towards Dean’s room. Once in he set him down on the queen size bed before he began to strip him.
“What the hell are you doing?” he was not going to get his hopes up. Not now.
“Stripping you. We both need sleep and I’m not letting you sleep alone. Not like this. After this I think it’s best I talk with the boss about some spa vacation for you.”
“I’m not going on some girly trip alo-”
“I didn’t say alone, knuckle head. I think Jo and Bela could do with one too anyway. The four of us could take a trip together. Just relax.” He tugged the shirt over Dean’s head, throwing it aside before beginning to work on his friends shoes. Every time Dean tried to shake him off he just gave him a dark look that made the younger of the two look away, blushing a deep red.
Flailing as he was pushed back on the bed he wriggled as Cas undid the buckle of his belt. Unthreading it from his pants before beginning to take those down. “I’ve already seen your panties Dean, it’s not exactly new information for me that you wear them. Hell you’ve walked around the apartment in them more than once. So stop fighting me!”
He kicks at Cas again, not knowing how to tell him that this is different. How do you explain to your best friend that you don’t want him undressing you because you’re in love? That this was exciting for you and oh fuck it was taking everything to keep himself from getting a boner right now from how Cas is manhandling him.
Especially when the other agent flips him over out of nowhere, his chest pressing against Dean’s back as he pinned him down. “Calm down Dean or I swear...”
“Swear what?” he snapped back, looking over his shoulder, “you’ll hog tie me to the bed?”
There was a moment of silence followed by, “highly tempting. And you know I have the skills and ability to. Though I’d rather not risk injury. So sit still while I disrobe you. We’re going to sleep, then I’m going to see about handing in a request for some time off. A sort of mental health vacation. After all our work I think you deserve it.”
Grunting in reply he continued to glare at Cas, cock twitching at the idea of his friend tying him up while he was in his underwear. “You may deserve it, but I’ve done shit all...”
“That’s bullshit and you know it. Your keen eye for deception, ability to catch on to little facial changes and moods in people, even your engineering skills are valuable to the team. We would not have found that kidnapper if you had not figured out what the make and model of the car was. Where he was hiding her in it. Hell how he even rigged it. You’re one of the smartest people on the team Dean...
“I...Bela’s good with tracing things like money. Basic thievery as she’s an ex con...Jo is good with hunting, and knives...she knows the more grunge life. I’m a religious studies major who has the best training with guns and other weapons. I can disarm a man in five seconds or less...but Dean you’re the one who does the most important job of all...reaching out to the victims. Their families. They like talking with you because you can empathize with them...”
With Dean in his underwear he rolled him onto his side, falling down next to him. One hand reached out to comb Dean’s hair back with his fingers, smiling a little sadly. His thumb gently brushed away a tear before leaning in.
For a split second Dean hoped and thought Cas would kiss him. He froze, eyes open until the others forehead pressed against his own with eyes closed. With a small smile he leaned into it his own eyes closing as a sigh fell from his lips. Typical...Cas was like an oversized puppy at times.
One shaking hand reached out to smooth the mess of black hair back, looking up to watch it fall back into a tousled mess. The classic bed head that Cas always seemed to have despite how much Dean tried to tame it down. Though...if he had to admit to himself he did not mind the look. It was his ‘sex hair’.
Grinning playfully he moved both hands to muss up the others hair more. A laugh left him as one of Cas’ eyes slowly open before the smaller agent shoved at him. He pushed himself up off the bed before tossing his trenchcoat over Dean’s head. “Go take a shit and whatever else you need to do asshole. I’ll use the bathroom after. And remember to use some air freshener and turn the fan on if you’re shitting, okay? I don’t want you stinking up the place like last time.” He rolled his eyes looking away.
Sitting up Dean held onto the coat, trying to be subtle as he breathed in Cas’ scent. Though he could to more of that if Cas had in mind what Dean thought he had in mind. Cuddling was definitely a yes in Dean’s agenda. Especially with Cas.
Thankfully his friend had nothing against holding Dean against his chest as they both drifted off to sleep. It had become a regular thing since Dean’s nightmares started up, one that Dean was more than eager to keep as a nightly tradition.
Especially if it meant being touched and held by the one person he loved...
Hanging the coat up he went about doing his business. Toilet, brushing his teeth, mouthwash, anti acne shit (Cas laughed at him for being so concerned about his skin). The nightly routine before crawling into bed wearing only his underwear. To which he was thankful that Cas was used to snuggling with Dean in his panties. It would mean he would not have to change out.
The weird shit Dean did that Cas took as normal really astounded him at times...
Little things like turning a blind eye at Dean walking around in panties. How he would bottle his emotions and let them loose at the worst time. The way he did not like flying, preferring long car trips. Clinging to Castiel any time they were in a plane, humming some classic rock to ease his nerves.
In this case it was the comforting arms of his best friend around him after he finally climbed into bed with Dean. Pulling him close so their bare chests touched, Cas’ minty breath washing over Dean like a cool winter day. He honestly did not care if the other man used his toothbrush or not. Only that he was her now one hand sliding up Dean’s hip comfortingly, both seeking each other's touch like they would die without it.
It had been like this since they were little. One reaching out for the other and clinging like a drowning man clinging on to a lifeboat. Yet here they were, grown men with their battle scars cuddling like children in need of comfort. Dean’s hand brushing over the scarred half of his friend, tracing the marred flesh with some amount of sadness. Thankful that Cas did not pull away like he did with others. Trusting Dean to not hurt him like his boyfriends in the past.
The very people he would kill if it were permitted.
Feeling Cas shudder under his touch he looked into the other's eyes, searching them for some sign that he was doing wrong. They were closed though, his head leaning forward to press against Dean’s. Curled into him like he was cocooning himself in the blankets. Hiding from the pain of the outside world like Dean had done so many times before.
Closing his own eyes he gave a small smile, cuddling closer as he let out a small sigh. They would get through this. He knew they would. It would take time, patience, and heartache...but they would.
If only he were not to right about there being heartache along the way...
The vacation went peacefully, Cas and Dean sharing a room while Jo and Bela shared the other. Refusing to take any news especially as they knew that it would be about Sam signing up to train as an agent. It was their vacation after all.
What was odd for Dean though was being spoiled and lavished with attention on their trip. The girls and Cas all keeping him from getting too anxious.
It was like Jo and Bela had conspired with Cas to make this a vacation Dean would enjoy. Which he did...he honestly did. He could not remember ever being this relaxed and at peace in his life. Spending his time with his best friends in a sunny beach side resort. Getting delicious food, massages, swimming. Though they all found some more secluded area to swim.
Each of them with their burn scars attracted too much attention. What was worse was that Bela’s reached up to her face, taking up some of the right side.
They only got down to their bathing suits once they knew they were in the safety of each others company. Each slowly stepping into the water.
The news of Sam joining the force could wait till later.
This was about them. Their scars. Their time to heal. Something recommended by all if their therapists. Dean’s especially. A little team fun their boss called it, though he knew the reasons why.
Especially as all four were still adjusting to the marring of their bodies. Dean had even said if the SWAT had not killed the bastard he would have for what he did to all of them. Catching a group of trainees off guard like that.
They were all lucky enough to make it out alive despite being as mangled and broken inside and out as they were.
They pushed through, Bela flirting innocently with Anna when she came to visit Cas as he healed. Messaging her while they were on vacation. It made him smile to think that the one who got the worst of it had someone to pick her up.
He only hoped the same would come for the rest of them. Cas especially. While Bela had Anna...Cas kept getting rejected one after another.
If he had a stronger spine, Dean would just come out and tell his friend ‘I love you’.
Unfortunately he was stuck hiding in the shadows quietly loathing every man his friend set eyes on. Hoping Cas maybe would be the first to make the move on him. Maybe just maybe Cas would see him first and move in for the kiss that would take Dean’s breath away. Sweep him off his feet like in those romance movies and they would have their happily ever after.
It was not so much to ask for right?
...Assuming Cas wanted him back.
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