A Stitch In Time (2/6)
Title: A Stitch In Time
Chapter: 2/6
Author: little_artemis (AKA balthiersgirl on y!, and littleartemis everywhere else)
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Supernatural
Characters/Pairing: Dean Winchester, Castiel, Dean/Cas
Warning:
Summary: Things had been messed up big time the first time around. Opening Purgatory, and everything else that came with it, so maybe a second chance was all the Winchester's and Castiel needed to patch things up. To right the wrongs and maybe a certain pair of idiots would finally see how much they loved each other.
Notes:
Disclaimer All characters, and the world belong to their respective owners. I claim no rights to them, and make no profit from this fan work.
If you asked Dean would have to honestly say he did not remember the first time he met Castiel. He had been too young to remember really, just a baby having come home from the hospital when Mary Winchester brought him over to the Novak house. The twins both looked at the newborn with fascination and since then it was like he and Castiel were impossible to separate.
The fact that they had been attached at the hip since day one? He was completely honest about that. His parents had videotapes of Castiel walking around with him when he was just a baby. Of the young Novak trying to show him how to crawl, and walk, how to work his toys. Everything. He was older than Dean by just two years and acted like a big brother to him in most ways. Jimmy even helped sometimes.
When the Milton’s moved over that was when he met Balthazar and Anna. He had a bit of a distaste for Balthazar but Anna...she was cool. If a bit...’dreamy’? She seemed to be off in her own world most of the time, which he guessed was cool.
When Sam came along Dean was four and a little unready for a new addition to his family. So used to the attention being all on him. But then Mom and Dad came home with that little bundle of joy and he knew he could do it. He could be a big brother. With the help of the others he was for sure that it would be easy enough. Showing Sammy how to walk, and how to ride a bike when he was old enough, everything. He was even there for him when Mom and Dad had their fights, though he would usually take his little brother’s hand and retreat to the Novak house.
He did not like it when his parents fought...
Unfortunately it was often and by the time he got to his teens he began to wonder how their marriage lasted. At least until they somehow rediscovered their love and retook their vows which was probably one of the happier days of his teen years.
...Which would not be including his first kiss. Awkwardly telling stories about cooties on the playground as a preteen. Saying about how kissing is gross, and all these other things though Dean wonders if it’s gross why do his parents kiss so much. That’s when Castiel comes over. They always shared a lunch so it was no surprise really, and he was lucky they were in the same school too.
He had asked him if kissing was as really gross as they said, to which he replied that he would not know. He had never kissed anyone before. In that instant without thinking Dean was on his feet and pressing his lips to the other boys. Cas’ lips felt a little chapped under his but it was not a bad feeling. He had actually quite liked it. Even if there was a few mean calls from other boys in the cafeteria, the pre-teen just wanted to stay here. With his best friend. Feeling the warmth of the others skin underneath his own.
Pushing up into it he had tried to suppress the small sound building in his throat as he closes his eyes. The taste of the other...it was warm and familiar. A little nostalgic. A part of him felt safe like this. Like Cas could keep him sheltered from the world if he wanted to, and he did not doubt that if it came to it the other teen would.
If he thought on it he had always felt this way around the other boy. Like Castiel was his guardian angel though he did not believe in them. They were just something his Mom talked about to let him feel safe at night. Or so he thought. He could swear Cas was like one though...always watching over him.
Letting out a low sigh against the other boys lips he gave him a slightly cheesy smile, looking up into his eyes. “That...was nice...” it was all he could think of to say on the subject and the dark haired boy just nodded his head, not saying anything in agreement or otherwise. For a moment they just stood there not really looking at each other, just moving from one foot to the other awkwardly.
Dean’s hand kept twitching wanting to take Cas’ hand in his own like he had seen his parents do. Like he had seen in all those romantic movies the girls at his school liked. Like they did when no one was looking just to feel the other there, needing the comfort
When Cas finally mentioned needing to talk to a teacher he just nodded to let the other know that he heard him. An instant later the other boy was gone. It left Dean feeling a little cold and confused touching his lips as he stared at the floor.
They never mentioned what happened that day after that, circling each other for a few days before going back to normal. Like nothing had happened in the cafeteria that day. He was fine with this arrangement if he had to be honest with himself. Even if he did love kissing the other boy he preferred having him around to not talking to him...
When things begun to calm down they would brush against each other in passing a little too often, needing the contact though Dean wanted more. He wanted those sweet kisses.
Puberty brought on a different sort of need though. One that had him avoiding touching the brunet, and blushing whenever he caught Castiel changing clothes. That had him shying from the innocent touches and moaning his friends name while he was alone in the darkness of his bedroom. A need that he would never admit to his friend fearing he would lose him.
Sam had noticed though, he always noticed these kinds of things. One day - just out of the blue - he asks their parents “Is it okay for two boys to like each other?” Before either could ask or even reply he continues, “not as friends but like...if Dean liked Cas the same way I like Amy at school. Like-like.” It is innocent enough, but Dean’s cheeks are flaming red with embarrassment and shame, staring at his lap.
His brother’s perception was a blessing and a curse.
With all the things his father had said before about the gay, he had honestly expected a backlash for that. More importantly, he was surprised when he did not get one. Instead after dinner his Mom asked him to clean up the table and wash the dishes before pulling his Dad aside, dragging him up to the bedroom. It was not long later that he heard the yelling though it was muffled.
“He’s your son, John. He looks up to you, and he’s terrified right now!”
“I don’t know how to handle queers!”
“Like any other child! And don’t you use words like that in here, especially not around him! He’s going to get it enough when others find out. Your son - our son needs us now.”
They kept going and it got to where Dean just slid down with his back to the cupboards, face in his hands crying. His entire body trembled with emotions, the yelling scaring him. It took some time, but she returned down to where he was, sitting on her ankles before him. One hand rested on his knees as she just let him cry, telling him in the softest of voices that it was okay. That he was just like any other boy, and that if anyone told him any different, even his own Dad, that he should not listen to them.
John came next, standing behind his wife. “Look I...I don’t know how to handle things like this. And I understand why you’re scared. But I still love you alright? Even if I don’t get all this, you’re still my kid.”
Wet eyes looked up to his Father and he moved up towards him for a tight embrace. The warmth of both his parents surrounding him, telling him he was safe and loved.
That day he grew a new found appreciation for his Mother and sought her out whenever he had issues with his growing sexuality. It was when he finally hit college that he discovered he liked both and settled with it. He was completely fine with how things were like this and Castiel had even opened up to liking boys at some point after his graduation of high school.
“So...You’re gay now?” Dean blinked a few times, staring at his best friend.
A low chuckle left him, “I always have been honestly...I just did not know or at least come to accept it until after I graduated. I couldn’t tell anyone before grad because I didn’t want the shit kicked out of me.”
Nodding Dean stared at his shoes, “why didn’t you tell me sooner.”
“Figured you didn’t need my sexuality crisis on top of yours.” Before he could say a word against that Cas raised his hand to stop him, “don’t. We both know you were dealing with your own. I know we could have helped each other through it, but with you trying to figure out if you’re bi or not, and me learning I like dick and having to explain to Meg that she wasn’t my type? I think we both had enough to handle on our own let alone mesh ‘em together. Don’t you think?”
A dark laugh was what Dean gave in response, moving over to press his forehead to Cas’ as he took his friends hands. “Yeah...stupid shit we have to go through growing up. At least that’s behind us.” He then wrapped them around his friend, holding him tight.
Though both their brother’s were strict about liking girls they supported them and Dean was fine with this arrangement. Sam had been joyful about it actually, saying “if you go out with guys it means I get to finally have a chance with the girls!” A sentiment Jimmy seemed to share with him.
It was not like he planned on showing either of them the gloriousness of checking other guys out. This was his thing and he did not need to worry about competition between people he cared about. At least among the guys, the girls were another thing. Friendly competition with Cas, another - though they seemed to have different types so it worked out.
It did not matter in the end because Sam knew the ass Dean preferred to check out was Castiel’s. He hated how obvious it seemed to his brother that he had a crush on his best friend. A deep, needing crush that had his heart beating fast in his chest when Cas smiled at him. It felt like everyone but Cas noticed, and more he was terrified of telling him.
Terrified of losing him.
So when his parents mentioned going to college or university he mentioned wanting to join Cas at his school. Go through the law program at him. Ideally, he had wanted to become a doctor, but this way he could stay close to his best friend. He knew it was ‘clingy girlfriend’ shit, fucking creepy to boot, but hey he was good with a gun so why not?
Through his college years as studied law - the plan being to try and join the FBI, that was what Cas told him at least - he flirted and dated some people. Girls, boys, anyone with a warm body and a postal code really. He was aware that a lot of the times they were just filling in for what he felt for his friend but he kept hoping one day they might push those feelings away and make him love them. Not the black haired, blue eyed asshole he fell for back when he was a preteen.
Some girls stuck for a while. Cassie, Lisa - hell there was his fling with a guy named Victor which lasted a while but their personalities were too different for things to work. Which was okay since he was competition in the program to get into the FBI anyway. Along the way he watched Sam have this thing for this girl who was going to Stanford with him, someone named Jessica Moore. He had even attended Jimmy’s wedding with his highschool sweetheart Amelia.
On top of that he watched Castiel go through boyfriends here and there. At one point he had thought about getting between him and a boyfriend with an abusive history. That was until he saw him do something he had never done before. At least in front of Dean.
The asshole had tried to put Cas in his place and using all his training in defensive fighting the brunet spun him around with his arm behind his back. He gave him an asskicking Dean hoped the guy would never forget.
That day Dean swore he had fallen more in love with his best friend and he cursed himself for it.
It was a completely hopeless crush filled with just following the other man wherever he went. Admiring him from afar at times. Doing anything just to be near him.
He did not want to ruin their friendship because he was some love sick puppy. Did not want to lose his best friend. Dean did not even know if it was love, even if it felt like it. A part of him was terrified of having his preteen rejection happen all over again. Cas pushing him away. It was better to just lay back and watch like some moron waiting for Cas to move instead. Even if he knew he never would. Just sit here listening to Sam and Jo both prodding him to whenever they had the chance - over instant messenger or phone - to just tell him already.
No Dean was just fine on the sidelines. Hell, sometimes he would even sabotage dates just so Cas would go hang out with him instead. Anything to keep him close, keep him as his. If Castiel knew he never said a single thing about it, he just went with it like this was completely normal for best friends to do. Yes completely normal to send your friend’s dates off screaming...
He knew it was not good but for some reason Cas did not seem to mind. Hell they seemed to get closer during these times. Like the other man actually wanted Dean to scare every potential boyfriend away. Hell rumours had even begun around campus that they were dating instead. Problem of both of them attending the same school. Cas had been attending two years longer than him, showing him how things worked. Occasionally they shared the same class.
With the rumours going about all Dean could think of was, while he wished it were true, they were not dating - but he went along with it to keep his friend safe. Even if Cas was more than capable of keeping himself safe.
Cas had shown often enough that he was strong enough to keep himself safe, but Dean still felt this need to coddle him. Wanting to keep him all to himself and safe away from the others who might hurt him. The action was returned as the brunet seemed to shoo away any ‘unwanted’ attentions from Dean. They both spent their last year in college happily single enjoying their time together though it hurt him a little inside to know he was hiding his feelings still.
Bottling them tightly away so he would not ruin what they had.
What made it worse was his feelings seemed obvious to everyone around him but Castiel. If he was so obvious, why had his own friend not noticed yet? He tried not to mull on it too much. Especially as being in the FBI might finally land him something more permanent and he might finally take his repressed thoughts from his mind. Especially some of the more x-rated ones. The fact that he already knew what his friend looked like under all that clothing...it really did not help.
Well it helped with some midnight activities but that was about it.
It got worse when they both got into the FBI training. Cas signed up, and Dean following after making plans to take extra classes he needed on the side. The two year advantage meant Cas had more of a head start than him, so he would need to catch up. It was a surprise for both of them seeing the petite blond next to them in the interview process.
Joanna Harvelle - all pint sized spunk, and only eighteen to boot. When the interviewers were busy he pulled her aside to ask what she was thinking and she just stuck her tongue out at him. Something about her skill with tactile combat, and weapons giving her a benefit.
“I’ll take the law classes and that jazz on the side.”
“Yeah that’s nice and all but what about Bobby and Ellen?!”
“They’re focused on Ash right now. I figured I’d tell them once I actually made it into the training program.”
“They’re going to kick your ass...”
“Probably, but with Ash getting in trouble for hacking when he’s bored, he’ll take their attention off me eventually.”
He could only roll his eyes at the young woman who had been like a sister to him growing up. Yeah mostly online, or when they did get to see the Singers for the occasional family get together. But this was like having Sam in training. Worse since she was six years younger than him.
Thankfully Sam was in Harvard Law right now, but that did not make having her here any easier.
It was probably an asshole move, but he hoped she did not make it.
The fates were not on his side sadly. The three of them passed along with another woman - Bela Talbot. They ended up in training together daily though Dean was more focused on Cas. Seeing him all suited up in training gear had Dean walking for hours with a boner that was rather embarrassing. Thankfully no one had noticed as he quickly worked to hide it. But it meant he might need to get laid, and soon.
It became a regular thing after that to pick up any man or woman he could to get his rocks off. And when he could not? Use whatever he could to just get his pent up need out, and fast. Especially since he was blessed and cursed with the luck of having Castiel as a roommate while they trained. So he had to get off fast so that his friend did not end up walking in on him with a vibrator shoved up his ass, moaning his name.
Yeah his thoughts got damn x-rated and he could not help that he had been lusting over him since his teens. Ever since he learned how sex even worked. Maybe even before that. Just being around him made his breath catch in his throat and he just wanted to move into those arms and kiss him silly. Feel those strong arms hold his above his head as he pins him against the wall. Live out every dirty fantasy he has ever had. Learn the feel and patterns of the others skin.
It was during their training when they were called out as back up on a bomb warning that he realized just how in love he really was.
It was supposed to go smoothly. Easy disarm and get out. They already had the guy who set it up so it was just some simple field experience. Dean, Cas, and a few other trainees like Jo, and Bela had been called inside to see how things were going. Just shadow and if they saw anyone, let the others know.
Before any of them saw it coming the suspect was running in their direction, his hand out ready to toss what he held. Dean could not even get a good look as Castiel was quickly covering Dean’s body with his own telling him to cover his ears. Even then, all he could hear was shouting. Feel something like fire over his skin, the warmth of Castiel pressed against his side. Ringing in his ears.
Then nothing.
He woke in a hospital room to pain that went up his entire side. Cas was still unconscious in the bed right next to him but he was alive, and heavily bandaged. He could only swallow hard, his heart feeling heavy as he looked over the other man.
A cough came from the other side of the room where Jo waved at him and he waved back smiling weakly. It took him a few coughs but he finally rasped out, “what happened? How long was I out?”
Bela seemed to be still out of it and covered in the same amount of bandages Castiel was. He listened as his other friend explained how a grenade had been thrown their way as the suspect made his escape. He had found them a threat and since they did not see him in time all they could do was react and try to save their own rookie asses. Bela and Cas had covered Dean and Jo with their bodies, shielding them from the explosion. All he could do in answer was give a sympathetic wince as he looked over at the other man in the room. He had sacrificed himself to save him...and his reward was being put on a respirator and heavily bandaged...likely in a tonne of pain.
Dean did not know how much he could thank him for this really. If he made through that was.
Thankfully they did with only some scarring. Both Bela and Castiel were rewarded for saving their teammates and they all got some time off to recover before going back into training.
It was when training was over and he was finally on a team that the young man’s life went for a loop.
Freshly twenty-six he finds out his brother almost died in a fire that had consumed his apartment not too far from Stanford. Taking his girlfriend’s life. The news had him falling to his knees, trying not to cry as he clutched the phone, listening to his Father talk him through it on the phone. Telling him that Sam was okay and only suffered minor burns. That someone had taken him out in time so he could not get hurt.
Reassuring him that someone would be there for his baby brother. Sam being the stubborn asshole would probably still want to finish school...
Hitting his head on the wall next to him he held in another choked noise as he remembered that his brother’s graduation was only weeks away. That his final was this upcoming week. And even with his girlfriend’s death Sam would likely still make it to his final because he inherited the good old Winchester stubbornness...
Dean could feel his entire body shaking with the force of internalized sobs as he clutched his phone. He could barely breathe, let alone speak. In a way he was thankful when Castiel took the phone from him and spoke with his father, informing him that they would be flying to the campus as soon as they could. His brother’s near death, and graduation should get him suitable vacation time after all...
He is just thankful that Cas lived with him. His best friend and roommate being able to hold him as he rocked on the floor, terrified of the idea that Sam could have very well died. More than anything he needed Cas right now. Love or not he needed the warmth of another human being, holding him and giving him some kind of comfort and leverage.
When he thought on it, and how Sam’s graduation would be coming up he hoped Jimmy would be there. Likely Jo would be coming as she had known them growing up. Even if she did send her life in Sioux Falls, her and her family had visited them enough throughout Dean’s life that he practically considered the Singer’s family. If he thought on it, Anna and Balthazar would probably be there too. The thought was enough to raise his spirits a little thinking about having everyone together again to celebrate Sammy’s graduation from law school.
Even if it was during a tragic time...
He just hoped his brother would be okay since he knew well enough how in love with Jess, Sam was. During their last talk he had even mentioned that he wanted to propose to her. This would tear him up. All he could do though was support his brother through this and hope that he could get back up on his feet. That this all would not knock him down too much. Sam was a tough guy, Dean knew that well enough. Sam was his little brother after all.
Most siblings were not as close as they were but Dean had always been told to keep Sam close and to watch out for him. One man who lived on their street, Ikol, said “one day something will happen and you would regret not showing Sam just how much he means to you.”
Dean figured it was something to do with the man’s past that was why he told Dean this, and it worked out pretty good for them in the end really. Both his parents were glad to see the boys getting along. They were like two peas in a pod. If anyone messed with his brother they would have Dean to answer to. He ended up getting in more than a few schoolyard fights defending his little brother. But it was more than worth it in the end.
Here he was now. His baby brother was about to graduate from college, the girl he planned to marry was dead...and Dean had to get there to be there and support him. At least as a shoulder to lean on, and someone who could pull him aside if he needed to talk or cry.
As soon as he was given permission he would be on the next plane to Stanford. Right by his brother for the funeral, graduation, and anything else Sam needed him for. Because his family meant more to him than anything else in the world. His little brother so much more. For some reason he felt they could go through hell and back for each other...he got the same feeling with Castiel. Which may have been why he fell for him so hard and so fast.
In the end he was the first to arrive, getting there days before everyone else. Castiel had stayed behind to sort some things out paperwise as Dean settled with Sam in his temporary living space. It was good for them both as they were able to get all the girly moments out of the way. He liked it more that way. Especially as neither of them liked anyone else to see them at their weak points. They barely liked to have the other see them weak...but they needed this.
The apartment was smoking with fire when Sam arrived. Inside their bedroom she was on the ceiling, burning alive, bleeding. He had no time to react before being grabbed by someone and pulled from the apartment. Dean thought it was a bit shady, but Sam’s memory was still fuzzy. Kid did not even remember who pulled him out, said it was all a blur. No one came forward to say they were there, or that they pulled Sam out. It was like the hero did not even exist. More, Dean knew Sam blamed himself, and the unseen hero for not pulling Jess from there, even if she could not have been saved. He was just left to stand outside the building he lived in with his college sweetheart.
The woman he planned to marry some day.
“Her eyes were wide, there was blood all over her stomach and the ceiling just burst into flames right before my eyes. I swear I’m not going insane. I just went to sleep, thinking she was out or something. I can’t get the image of her saying my name and asking for help out of my head. She was still alive, Dean.” That was his explanation when Dean sat him down to talk. It sounded fishy, but he was not going to question his brother.
The entire case worried Dean, wondering if it was arson. Maybe murder. He would have to do some investigating soon. Right now he worried about attending the funeral and graduation with his brother. As well as cheering him up as best he could. He could only hope video games and beer would help to some small extent.
Anything to avoid cuddling and talking about feelings. Dean did not like talking about feelings, especially with Sam. Because they turned on him, and he hated being reminded that he has been pining for his best friend for over ten years.
Unfortunately...
It did turn to just that.
While they were watching a movie (one of the Batman movies, naturally) engrossed in it when Dean felt Sam’s head rest on his shoulder. Familiar but he knew what was about to come. Something he had been dreading.
“Do you ever wish you could’ve been the one to save Cas from the blast...? Been the one to get hurt instead?” His words came out at barely above a whisper, but Dean could clearly hear him. Everything he had been telling himself and his therapist after the explosion. He should have taken the brunt of the damage, not Castiel.
Closing his eyes, he rested his head on the back of the couch not knowing how to respond to that. Blunt honest truth? Yes he had spent months staring at his childhood best friend wishing he could take every scar onto himself. That did not have to go through physical therapy, take so many pain medications.
That he did not wake up to nightmares of the fire licking up his skin, screaming until Dean woke him up.
It tore at Dean’s heart every time he had to pull Castiel from a nightmare. Especially when they started getting more surreal...about water and black creatures that tried to take him away from Dean. Of a never ending madness. “It feels like it’s going to swallow me whole.” That had been what Cas said one night as he sat on the edge of his bed, hugging himself and shaking. Whenever a nightmare happened they would share it between them. If they did not, well that was something both avoided. Neither kept secrets from the other. Aside from Dean’s feelings for him.
He would just ignore that he had his own of the fire consuming Castiel, taking him away. Cas knew about them already after all. So he would crawl into the others bed and hold him tight against his chest. Sometimes joining him in bed before Castiel could complain. His face pressed into the other’s chest, just listening to his heart breath, his gentle breaths against Dean’s hair as they both fell asleep.
When he felt Sam shifting on the couch he was brought back to the present, looking over at him with some amount of pain in his eyes. At some point the movie had stopped leaving them sitting there in the silence that felt like it stretched on forever. Dean trying his best to not look at his brother, to not betray how much his heart ached remembering the day he, Cas, Bela, and Jo almost died...
Swallowing the pit forming his his throat, he nodded. “Every damn day...every time I see the scars on his hands, arms and back...every time he wakes up from nightmares, or takes his painkillers just to get through the day. Every time I can tell he’s forcing a smile just so I won’t feel bad...because he knows I feel guilty about it...he knows and it kills me because I still wish it had been me...that he didn’t have to protect me...”
Eyes closed tight he tilted his head up to face the ceiling, chest rising and falling with every deep breath he took. Every inhale and exhale. He loved the damn bastard so much it hurt to just think about it.
His entire body trembled with held in sobs echoed by his brother’s own as Sam’s face buried into his chest, hands fisting in his shirt. Both shedding tears they had been holding in this entire time.
This might end up being harder on them both than he thought...
Especially knowing Castiel was to be coming in soon so he could be there for Sam’s graduation. Their parents also on their way. The Singer’s confirmed as guests. It was going to be a full group crowding Sam’s apartment, and the nearby hotel.
Both brothers’ were emotionally drained from the ordeal, and their personal issues. Nights of crying together, just needing the other to lean on. It was not until now really...that Dean realized just how much he needed the emotional support of his brother. Sam just...got him somehow. Understood what he was thinking. He read Dean’s mind like the eldest read his.
His world might come to an end if he ever lost the baby of the Winchester family. Almost literally if he did not have his family, and Castiel. He and Sam were always there for each other every time their parents fought. Every time something went wrong in the others life. And here he was failing in how to console his brother at one of the worst losses he could imagine.
He did not know what he would do if he lost Cas...he and Sam were his everything. He would give up his life to keep them alive. He knew that. He had vowed to do that.
Anything for them.
Previous Chapter | Next Chapter | Final Chapter
Chapter: 2/6
Author: little_artemis (AKA balthiersgirl on y!, and littleartemis everywhere else)
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Supernatural
Characters/Pairing: Dean Winchester, Castiel, Dean/Cas
Warning:
Summary: Things had been messed up big time the first time around. Opening Purgatory, and everything else that came with it, so maybe a second chance was all the Winchester's and Castiel needed to patch things up. To right the wrongs and maybe a certain pair of idiots would finally see how much they loved each other.
Notes:
Disclaimer All characters, and the world belong to their respective owners. I claim no rights to them, and make no profit from this fan work.
If you asked Dean would have to honestly say he did not remember the first time he met Castiel. He had been too young to remember really, just a baby having come home from the hospital when Mary Winchester brought him over to the Novak house. The twins both looked at the newborn with fascination and since then it was like he and Castiel were impossible to separate.
The fact that they had been attached at the hip since day one? He was completely honest about that. His parents had videotapes of Castiel walking around with him when he was just a baby. Of the young Novak trying to show him how to crawl, and walk, how to work his toys. Everything. He was older than Dean by just two years and acted like a big brother to him in most ways. Jimmy even helped sometimes.
When the Milton’s moved over that was when he met Balthazar and Anna. He had a bit of a distaste for Balthazar but Anna...she was cool. If a bit...’dreamy’? She seemed to be off in her own world most of the time, which he guessed was cool.
When Sam came along Dean was four and a little unready for a new addition to his family. So used to the attention being all on him. But then Mom and Dad came home with that little bundle of joy and he knew he could do it. He could be a big brother. With the help of the others he was for sure that it would be easy enough. Showing Sammy how to walk, and how to ride a bike when he was old enough, everything. He was even there for him when Mom and Dad had their fights, though he would usually take his little brother’s hand and retreat to the Novak house.
He did not like it when his parents fought...
Unfortunately it was often and by the time he got to his teens he began to wonder how their marriage lasted. At least until they somehow rediscovered their love and retook their vows which was probably one of the happier days of his teen years.
...Which would not be including his first kiss. Awkwardly telling stories about cooties on the playground as a preteen. Saying about how kissing is gross, and all these other things though Dean wonders if it’s gross why do his parents kiss so much. That’s when Castiel comes over. They always shared a lunch so it was no surprise really, and he was lucky they were in the same school too.
He had asked him if kissing was as really gross as they said, to which he replied that he would not know. He had never kissed anyone before. In that instant without thinking Dean was on his feet and pressing his lips to the other boys. Cas’ lips felt a little chapped under his but it was not a bad feeling. He had actually quite liked it. Even if there was a few mean calls from other boys in the cafeteria, the pre-teen just wanted to stay here. With his best friend. Feeling the warmth of the others skin underneath his own.
Pushing up into it he had tried to suppress the small sound building in his throat as he closes his eyes. The taste of the other...it was warm and familiar. A little nostalgic. A part of him felt safe like this. Like Cas could keep him sheltered from the world if he wanted to, and he did not doubt that if it came to it the other teen would.
If he thought on it he had always felt this way around the other boy. Like Castiel was his guardian angel though he did not believe in them. They were just something his Mom talked about to let him feel safe at night. Or so he thought. He could swear Cas was like one though...always watching over him.
Letting out a low sigh against the other boys lips he gave him a slightly cheesy smile, looking up into his eyes. “That...was nice...” it was all he could think of to say on the subject and the dark haired boy just nodded his head, not saying anything in agreement or otherwise. For a moment they just stood there not really looking at each other, just moving from one foot to the other awkwardly.
Dean’s hand kept twitching wanting to take Cas’ hand in his own like he had seen his parents do. Like he had seen in all those romantic movies the girls at his school liked. Like they did when no one was looking just to feel the other there, needing the comfort
When Cas finally mentioned needing to talk to a teacher he just nodded to let the other know that he heard him. An instant later the other boy was gone. It left Dean feeling a little cold and confused touching his lips as he stared at the floor.
They never mentioned what happened that day after that, circling each other for a few days before going back to normal. Like nothing had happened in the cafeteria that day. He was fine with this arrangement if he had to be honest with himself. Even if he did love kissing the other boy he preferred having him around to not talking to him...
When things begun to calm down they would brush against each other in passing a little too often, needing the contact though Dean wanted more. He wanted those sweet kisses.
Puberty brought on a different sort of need though. One that had him avoiding touching the brunet, and blushing whenever he caught Castiel changing clothes. That had him shying from the innocent touches and moaning his friends name while he was alone in the darkness of his bedroom. A need that he would never admit to his friend fearing he would lose him.
Sam had noticed though, he always noticed these kinds of things. One day - just out of the blue - he asks their parents “Is it okay for two boys to like each other?” Before either could ask or even reply he continues, “not as friends but like...if Dean liked Cas the same way I like Amy at school. Like-like.” It is innocent enough, but Dean’s cheeks are flaming red with embarrassment and shame, staring at his lap.
His brother’s perception was a blessing and a curse.
With all the things his father had said before about the gay, he had honestly expected a backlash for that. More importantly, he was surprised when he did not get one. Instead after dinner his Mom asked him to clean up the table and wash the dishes before pulling his Dad aside, dragging him up to the bedroom. It was not long later that he heard the yelling though it was muffled.
“He’s your son, John. He looks up to you, and he’s terrified right now!”
“I don’t know how to handle queers!”
“Like any other child! And don’t you use words like that in here, especially not around him! He’s going to get it enough when others find out. Your son - our son needs us now.”
They kept going and it got to where Dean just slid down with his back to the cupboards, face in his hands crying. His entire body trembled with emotions, the yelling scaring him. It took some time, but she returned down to where he was, sitting on her ankles before him. One hand rested on his knees as she just let him cry, telling him in the softest of voices that it was okay. That he was just like any other boy, and that if anyone told him any different, even his own Dad, that he should not listen to them.
John came next, standing behind his wife. “Look I...I don’t know how to handle things like this. And I understand why you’re scared. But I still love you alright? Even if I don’t get all this, you’re still my kid.”
Wet eyes looked up to his Father and he moved up towards him for a tight embrace. The warmth of both his parents surrounding him, telling him he was safe and loved.
That day he grew a new found appreciation for his Mother and sought her out whenever he had issues with his growing sexuality. It was when he finally hit college that he discovered he liked both and settled with it. He was completely fine with how things were like this and Castiel had even opened up to liking boys at some point after his graduation of high school.
“So...You’re gay now?” Dean blinked a few times, staring at his best friend.
A low chuckle left him, “I always have been honestly...I just did not know or at least come to accept it until after I graduated. I couldn’t tell anyone before grad because I didn’t want the shit kicked out of me.”
Nodding Dean stared at his shoes, “why didn’t you tell me sooner.”
“Figured you didn’t need my sexuality crisis on top of yours.” Before he could say a word against that Cas raised his hand to stop him, “don’t. We both know you were dealing with your own. I know we could have helped each other through it, but with you trying to figure out if you’re bi or not, and me learning I like dick and having to explain to Meg that she wasn’t my type? I think we both had enough to handle on our own let alone mesh ‘em together. Don’t you think?”
A dark laugh was what Dean gave in response, moving over to press his forehead to Cas’ as he took his friends hands. “Yeah...stupid shit we have to go through growing up. At least that’s behind us.” He then wrapped them around his friend, holding him tight.
Though both their brother’s were strict about liking girls they supported them and Dean was fine with this arrangement. Sam had been joyful about it actually, saying “if you go out with guys it means I get to finally have a chance with the girls!” A sentiment Jimmy seemed to share with him.
It was not like he planned on showing either of them the gloriousness of checking other guys out. This was his thing and he did not need to worry about competition between people he cared about. At least among the guys, the girls were another thing. Friendly competition with Cas, another - though they seemed to have different types so it worked out.
It did not matter in the end because Sam knew the ass Dean preferred to check out was Castiel’s. He hated how obvious it seemed to his brother that he had a crush on his best friend. A deep, needing crush that had his heart beating fast in his chest when Cas smiled at him. It felt like everyone but Cas noticed, and more he was terrified of telling him.
Terrified of losing him.
So when his parents mentioned going to college or university he mentioned wanting to join Cas at his school. Go through the law program at him. Ideally, he had wanted to become a doctor, but this way he could stay close to his best friend. He knew it was ‘clingy girlfriend’ shit, fucking creepy to boot, but hey he was good with a gun so why not?
Through his college years as studied law - the plan being to try and join the FBI, that was what Cas told him at least - he flirted and dated some people. Girls, boys, anyone with a warm body and a postal code really. He was aware that a lot of the times they were just filling in for what he felt for his friend but he kept hoping one day they might push those feelings away and make him love them. Not the black haired, blue eyed asshole he fell for back when he was a preteen.
Some girls stuck for a while. Cassie, Lisa - hell there was his fling with a guy named Victor which lasted a while but their personalities were too different for things to work. Which was okay since he was competition in the program to get into the FBI anyway. Along the way he watched Sam have this thing for this girl who was going to Stanford with him, someone named Jessica Moore. He had even attended Jimmy’s wedding with his highschool sweetheart Amelia.
On top of that he watched Castiel go through boyfriends here and there. At one point he had thought about getting between him and a boyfriend with an abusive history. That was until he saw him do something he had never done before. At least in front of Dean.
The asshole had tried to put Cas in his place and using all his training in defensive fighting the brunet spun him around with his arm behind his back. He gave him an asskicking Dean hoped the guy would never forget.
That day Dean swore he had fallen more in love with his best friend and he cursed himself for it.
It was a completely hopeless crush filled with just following the other man wherever he went. Admiring him from afar at times. Doing anything just to be near him.
He did not want to ruin their friendship because he was some love sick puppy. Did not want to lose his best friend. Dean did not even know if it was love, even if it felt like it. A part of him was terrified of having his preteen rejection happen all over again. Cas pushing him away. It was better to just lay back and watch like some moron waiting for Cas to move instead. Even if he knew he never would. Just sit here listening to Sam and Jo both prodding him to whenever they had the chance - over instant messenger or phone - to just tell him already.
No Dean was just fine on the sidelines. Hell, sometimes he would even sabotage dates just so Cas would go hang out with him instead. Anything to keep him close, keep him as his. If Castiel knew he never said a single thing about it, he just went with it like this was completely normal for best friends to do. Yes completely normal to send your friend’s dates off screaming...
He knew it was not good but for some reason Cas did not seem to mind. Hell they seemed to get closer during these times. Like the other man actually wanted Dean to scare every potential boyfriend away. Hell rumours had even begun around campus that they were dating instead. Problem of both of them attending the same school. Cas had been attending two years longer than him, showing him how things worked. Occasionally they shared the same class.
With the rumours going about all Dean could think of was, while he wished it were true, they were not dating - but he went along with it to keep his friend safe. Even if Cas was more than capable of keeping himself safe.
Cas had shown often enough that he was strong enough to keep himself safe, but Dean still felt this need to coddle him. Wanting to keep him all to himself and safe away from the others who might hurt him. The action was returned as the brunet seemed to shoo away any ‘unwanted’ attentions from Dean. They both spent their last year in college happily single enjoying their time together though it hurt him a little inside to know he was hiding his feelings still.
Bottling them tightly away so he would not ruin what they had.
What made it worse was his feelings seemed obvious to everyone around him but Castiel. If he was so obvious, why had his own friend not noticed yet? He tried not to mull on it too much. Especially as being in the FBI might finally land him something more permanent and he might finally take his repressed thoughts from his mind. Especially some of the more x-rated ones. The fact that he already knew what his friend looked like under all that clothing...it really did not help.
Well it helped with some midnight activities but that was about it.
It got worse when they both got into the FBI training. Cas signed up, and Dean following after making plans to take extra classes he needed on the side. The two year advantage meant Cas had more of a head start than him, so he would need to catch up. It was a surprise for both of them seeing the petite blond next to them in the interview process.
Joanna Harvelle - all pint sized spunk, and only eighteen to boot. When the interviewers were busy he pulled her aside to ask what she was thinking and she just stuck her tongue out at him. Something about her skill with tactile combat, and weapons giving her a benefit.
“I’ll take the law classes and that jazz on the side.”
“Yeah that’s nice and all but what about Bobby and Ellen?!”
“They’re focused on Ash right now. I figured I’d tell them once I actually made it into the training program.”
“They’re going to kick your ass...”
“Probably, but with Ash getting in trouble for hacking when he’s bored, he’ll take their attention off me eventually.”
He could only roll his eyes at the young woman who had been like a sister to him growing up. Yeah mostly online, or when they did get to see the Singers for the occasional family get together. But this was like having Sam in training. Worse since she was six years younger than him.
Thankfully Sam was in Harvard Law right now, but that did not make having her here any easier.
It was probably an asshole move, but he hoped she did not make it.
The fates were not on his side sadly. The three of them passed along with another woman - Bela Talbot. They ended up in training together daily though Dean was more focused on Cas. Seeing him all suited up in training gear had Dean walking for hours with a boner that was rather embarrassing. Thankfully no one had noticed as he quickly worked to hide it. But it meant he might need to get laid, and soon.
It became a regular thing after that to pick up any man or woman he could to get his rocks off. And when he could not? Use whatever he could to just get his pent up need out, and fast. Especially since he was blessed and cursed with the luck of having Castiel as a roommate while they trained. So he had to get off fast so that his friend did not end up walking in on him with a vibrator shoved up his ass, moaning his name.
Yeah his thoughts got damn x-rated and he could not help that he had been lusting over him since his teens. Ever since he learned how sex even worked. Maybe even before that. Just being around him made his breath catch in his throat and he just wanted to move into those arms and kiss him silly. Feel those strong arms hold his above his head as he pins him against the wall. Live out every dirty fantasy he has ever had. Learn the feel and patterns of the others skin.
It was during their training when they were called out as back up on a bomb warning that he realized just how in love he really was.
It was supposed to go smoothly. Easy disarm and get out. They already had the guy who set it up so it was just some simple field experience. Dean, Cas, and a few other trainees like Jo, and Bela had been called inside to see how things were going. Just shadow and if they saw anyone, let the others know.
Before any of them saw it coming the suspect was running in their direction, his hand out ready to toss what he held. Dean could not even get a good look as Castiel was quickly covering Dean’s body with his own telling him to cover his ears. Even then, all he could hear was shouting. Feel something like fire over his skin, the warmth of Castiel pressed against his side. Ringing in his ears.
Then nothing.
He woke in a hospital room to pain that went up his entire side. Cas was still unconscious in the bed right next to him but he was alive, and heavily bandaged. He could only swallow hard, his heart feeling heavy as he looked over the other man.
A cough came from the other side of the room where Jo waved at him and he waved back smiling weakly. It took him a few coughs but he finally rasped out, “what happened? How long was I out?”
Bela seemed to be still out of it and covered in the same amount of bandages Castiel was. He listened as his other friend explained how a grenade had been thrown their way as the suspect made his escape. He had found them a threat and since they did not see him in time all they could do was react and try to save their own rookie asses. Bela and Cas had covered Dean and Jo with their bodies, shielding them from the explosion. All he could do in answer was give a sympathetic wince as he looked over at the other man in the room. He had sacrificed himself to save him...and his reward was being put on a respirator and heavily bandaged...likely in a tonne of pain.
Dean did not know how much he could thank him for this really. If he made through that was.
Thankfully they did with only some scarring. Both Bela and Castiel were rewarded for saving their teammates and they all got some time off to recover before going back into training.
It was when training was over and he was finally on a team that the young man’s life went for a loop.
Freshly twenty-six he finds out his brother almost died in a fire that had consumed his apartment not too far from Stanford. Taking his girlfriend’s life. The news had him falling to his knees, trying not to cry as he clutched the phone, listening to his Father talk him through it on the phone. Telling him that Sam was okay and only suffered minor burns. That someone had taken him out in time so he could not get hurt.
Reassuring him that someone would be there for his baby brother. Sam being the stubborn asshole would probably still want to finish school...
Hitting his head on the wall next to him he held in another choked noise as he remembered that his brother’s graduation was only weeks away. That his final was this upcoming week. And even with his girlfriend’s death Sam would likely still make it to his final because he inherited the good old Winchester stubbornness...
Dean could feel his entire body shaking with the force of internalized sobs as he clutched his phone. He could barely breathe, let alone speak. In a way he was thankful when Castiel took the phone from him and spoke with his father, informing him that they would be flying to the campus as soon as they could. His brother’s near death, and graduation should get him suitable vacation time after all...
He is just thankful that Cas lived with him. His best friend and roommate being able to hold him as he rocked on the floor, terrified of the idea that Sam could have very well died. More than anything he needed Cas right now. Love or not he needed the warmth of another human being, holding him and giving him some kind of comfort and leverage.
When he thought on it, and how Sam’s graduation would be coming up he hoped Jimmy would be there. Likely Jo would be coming as she had known them growing up. Even if she did send her life in Sioux Falls, her and her family had visited them enough throughout Dean’s life that he practically considered the Singer’s family. If he thought on it, Anna and Balthazar would probably be there too. The thought was enough to raise his spirits a little thinking about having everyone together again to celebrate Sammy’s graduation from law school.
Even if it was during a tragic time...
He just hoped his brother would be okay since he knew well enough how in love with Jess, Sam was. During their last talk he had even mentioned that he wanted to propose to her. This would tear him up. All he could do though was support his brother through this and hope that he could get back up on his feet. That this all would not knock him down too much. Sam was a tough guy, Dean knew that well enough. Sam was his little brother after all.
Most siblings were not as close as they were but Dean had always been told to keep Sam close and to watch out for him. One man who lived on their street, Ikol, said “one day something will happen and you would regret not showing Sam just how much he means to you.”
Dean figured it was something to do with the man’s past that was why he told Dean this, and it worked out pretty good for them in the end really. Both his parents were glad to see the boys getting along. They were like two peas in a pod. If anyone messed with his brother they would have Dean to answer to. He ended up getting in more than a few schoolyard fights defending his little brother. But it was more than worth it in the end.
Here he was now. His baby brother was about to graduate from college, the girl he planned to marry was dead...and Dean had to get there to be there and support him. At least as a shoulder to lean on, and someone who could pull him aside if he needed to talk or cry.
As soon as he was given permission he would be on the next plane to Stanford. Right by his brother for the funeral, graduation, and anything else Sam needed him for. Because his family meant more to him than anything else in the world. His little brother so much more. For some reason he felt they could go through hell and back for each other...he got the same feeling with Castiel. Which may have been why he fell for him so hard and so fast.
In the end he was the first to arrive, getting there days before everyone else. Castiel had stayed behind to sort some things out paperwise as Dean settled with Sam in his temporary living space. It was good for them both as they were able to get all the girly moments out of the way. He liked it more that way. Especially as neither of them liked anyone else to see them at their weak points. They barely liked to have the other see them weak...but they needed this.
The apartment was smoking with fire when Sam arrived. Inside their bedroom she was on the ceiling, burning alive, bleeding. He had no time to react before being grabbed by someone and pulled from the apartment. Dean thought it was a bit shady, but Sam’s memory was still fuzzy. Kid did not even remember who pulled him out, said it was all a blur. No one came forward to say they were there, or that they pulled Sam out. It was like the hero did not even exist. More, Dean knew Sam blamed himself, and the unseen hero for not pulling Jess from there, even if she could not have been saved. He was just left to stand outside the building he lived in with his college sweetheart.
The woman he planned to marry some day.
“Her eyes were wide, there was blood all over her stomach and the ceiling just burst into flames right before my eyes. I swear I’m not going insane. I just went to sleep, thinking she was out or something. I can’t get the image of her saying my name and asking for help out of my head. She was still alive, Dean.” That was his explanation when Dean sat him down to talk. It sounded fishy, but he was not going to question his brother.
The entire case worried Dean, wondering if it was arson. Maybe murder. He would have to do some investigating soon. Right now he worried about attending the funeral and graduation with his brother. As well as cheering him up as best he could. He could only hope video games and beer would help to some small extent.
Anything to avoid cuddling and talking about feelings. Dean did not like talking about feelings, especially with Sam. Because they turned on him, and he hated being reminded that he has been pining for his best friend for over ten years.
Unfortunately...
It did turn to just that.
While they were watching a movie (one of the Batman movies, naturally) engrossed in it when Dean felt Sam’s head rest on his shoulder. Familiar but he knew what was about to come. Something he had been dreading.
“Do you ever wish you could’ve been the one to save Cas from the blast...? Been the one to get hurt instead?” His words came out at barely above a whisper, but Dean could clearly hear him. Everything he had been telling himself and his therapist after the explosion. He should have taken the brunt of the damage, not Castiel.
Closing his eyes, he rested his head on the back of the couch not knowing how to respond to that. Blunt honest truth? Yes he had spent months staring at his childhood best friend wishing he could take every scar onto himself. That did not have to go through physical therapy, take so many pain medications.
That he did not wake up to nightmares of the fire licking up his skin, screaming until Dean woke him up.
It tore at Dean’s heart every time he had to pull Castiel from a nightmare. Especially when they started getting more surreal...about water and black creatures that tried to take him away from Dean. Of a never ending madness. “It feels like it’s going to swallow me whole.” That had been what Cas said one night as he sat on the edge of his bed, hugging himself and shaking. Whenever a nightmare happened they would share it between them. If they did not, well that was something both avoided. Neither kept secrets from the other. Aside from Dean’s feelings for him.
He would just ignore that he had his own of the fire consuming Castiel, taking him away. Cas knew about them already after all. So he would crawl into the others bed and hold him tight against his chest. Sometimes joining him in bed before Castiel could complain. His face pressed into the other’s chest, just listening to his heart breath, his gentle breaths against Dean’s hair as they both fell asleep.
When he felt Sam shifting on the couch he was brought back to the present, looking over at him with some amount of pain in his eyes. At some point the movie had stopped leaving them sitting there in the silence that felt like it stretched on forever. Dean trying his best to not look at his brother, to not betray how much his heart ached remembering the day he, Cas, Bela, and Jo almost died...
Swallowing the pit forming his his throat, he nodded. “Every damn day...every time I see the scars on his hands, arms and back...every time he wakes up from nightmares, or takes his painkillers just to get through the day. Every time I can tell he’s forcing a smile just so I won’t feel bad...because he knows I feel guilty about it...he knows and it kills me because I still wish it had been me...that he didn’t have to protect me...”
Eyes closed tight he tilted his head up to face the ceiling, chest rising and falling with every deep breath he took. Every inhale and exhale. He loved the damn bastard so much it hurt to just think about it.
His entire body trembled with held in sobs echoed by his brother’s own as Sam’s face buried into his chest, hands fisting in his shirt. Both shedding tears they had been holding in this entire time.
This might end up being harder on them both than he thought...
Especially knowing Castiel was to be coming in soon so he could be there for Sam’s graduation. Their parents also on their way. The Singer’s confirmed as guests. It was going to be a full group crowding Sam’s apartment, and the nearby hotel.
Both brothers’ were emotionally drained from the ordeal, and their personal issues. Nights of crying together, just needing the other to lean on. It was not until now really...that Dean realized just how much he needed the emotional support of his brother. Sam just...got him somehow. Understood what he was thinking. He read Dean’s mind like the eldest read his.
His world might come to an end if he ever lost the baby of the Winchester family. Almost literally if he did not have his family, and Castiel. He and Sam were always there for each other every time their parents fought. Every time something went wrong in the others life. And here he was failing in how to console his brother at one of the worst losses he could imagine.
He did not know what he would do if he lost Cas...he and Sam were his everything. He would give up his life to keep them alive. He knew that. He had vowed to do that.
Anything for them.
Previous Chapter | Next Chapter | Final Chapter