Take Me Away (1/?)
Title: Take Me Away
Chapter: 1/?
Author: little_artemis (AKA balthiersgirl on y!, and littleartemis everywhere else)
Rating: NC-17
Current Word Count: 2217
Fandom: Supernatural
Characters/Pairing: Dean Winchester
Warning: suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, mental health issues, abuse, bullying
Summary: With his depression, and anxiety Dean's become detached from almost everyone around him. His step mother is abusive, his father stressed to the point of yelling at him all the time. Sam's off at Stanford. All he has is his internet, and a boy named Castiel Shurley in England.
Notes: Will write more for this college AU when I have the time. This was prompted by boazpriestly on tumblr. 'Dean/Cas writers should write something based on what they know.' The events in this fic are based around my own life experiences.
Rating is NC-17 for violent thoughts, and sex in later chapters.
Disclaimer: All characters, and the world belong to their respective owners. I claim no rights to them, and make no profit from this fan work.
Fingers combing through his hair, he closed his eyes feeling the tiredness threatening to make him collapse right there at his desk. His step mother shouted at him from across the hall, likely demanding money, or something else inane like making her something to eat. Even if he was supposed to focus on his Computer Information Sciences homework because he was falling behind. No matter how much he ignored her, she kept yelling, making his migraine worse and worse.
Pinching at the bridge of his nose a small part of him hoped she would give up until he heard the distinct sound of his phone buzzing on the desk right next to him. Looking over at it with a small groan he covered his face with one hand, eyes falling closed as the free one picked it up.
One finger swipe across the screen and he pressed it to his ear, waiting for whatever demand she had this time.
“Yes?” Cold. Distant. Obviously irritated. But what did the bitch expect? She had ruined his family. Ran his father into debt, emotionally abused, and used him and his brother. Sam had hightailed it from town as soon as he got the chance, making a run for Stanford leaving Dean behind to deal with both their parents.
With Jane’s moods getting worse and her pushing John even more into the hole…everything was falling on him now.
Really though…Dean did not think he could manage it. He was just twenty two, starting college, and he had his own shit to deal with. Starting medications for his depression, getting into counseling for his anxiety. His therapist, counselor, and his psychiatrist were all pushing for him to get out of the destructive environment. Where John’s yelling at him about being a disappointment sent him spiraling into depressed panic attacks where he had to cling onto something to ground him.
Anything to keep the thoughts of death and suicide at bay.
It did not help that he knew where all of John’s guns, and his hunting knifes were…
He shuddered just to think about every time the thought of just stabbing into his wrist, or pulling the barrel of one gun to his head…
No.
He had something to keep pushing for. Even if it was just a twinkle of light at the end of a never ending dark tunnel. It was something.
“Can you get me a packet of cigarettes? And while you’re at it, some soda and chips for me? I don’t have any money, but I can pay you back later.” Her voice cracked through the receiving end of the phone and he had to hold in a sigh.
The usual. Only she would not be paying him back, his Father would. She never paid him back it was always someone else’s money. After all she did not have a job. She was in too much pain. Just leeching from everyone else around her, doing this big act to make herself look so great, so charitable when she was stealing from those close to her to make herself seem better.
“Yes Mom.” Gritting his teeth he forced a smile, knowing if he told her no she would call his Dad who would beg him to just do what she wanted and let it be over with.
Then he could come back, hop onto his Tumblr and see if Castiel was going to be online. It was going to be another night of cursing timezones and wishing that England was not so far away from where he lived. Wishing that he had enough money to pack it all up and just fly over there. That he could be there now…
But Cas even had his own problems with his Dad sick, and the doctors unsure really of what was wrong with him. With Mr. Shurley weak they had some problems going on that Dean was unable to help with. He was left to just listen when Cas needed to rant, and his friend in turn.
At least when he got home, he could talk with him about the Criminal Minds finale.
Ending the call he let out a drawn out sigh, chewing on his bottom lip as he searched for his glasses. Hoodie, phone, ipod, wallet, reusable bag…everything he would need.
When he stood the cats woke, Gizmo moving to circle his legs, looking up at him with some amount of curiousity. “I’ll feed you and Baby when I get back home.” A small smile played on his lips, bending over to pet the large calico.
Passing the shelf by his bedroom door he grabbed his keys, bus pass and ID before leaving. It would only take him twenty minutes max to walk to the store and back really. Just taking his bus pass with him in case he got sent for anything else. Like a lottery ticket. A small hope in freedom John had picked up. Something to give them both the sense that there might be something else out there better for them.
Door locked, headphones in, he played with the apps on his phone as he walked, smiling faintly when he saw Cas posting online.
iamcalmanditsdoctor: Blaine and Kurt are too cute together. omg
Rolling his eyes he sent a quick reply before jogging across the intersection as the signal beeped for him to cross. ‘Angel With a Shotgun’ blaring in his ears.
stuckinperdition replied to your post:
- omg Cas? Really?
iamcalmanditsdoctor: I am unsure if you’re making a sarcastic comment on my use of ‘omg’ or agreeing with me…though knowing you it is likely a comment on my use of the anagram.
The corner of his lips twitched as he tried not to grin, typing out his next reply, reblogging the post instead this time.
stuckinperdition: Considering it means ‘oh my god’, naturally I’m surprised. You tell me not to blaspheme all the time. Not to mention; Glee? Really Cas?
Looking up he selected the things his ‘Mom’ would want, moving over to the cash register.
iamcalmanditsdoctor: I could stand for ‘oh my gosh’ as well, Dean. Don’t forget that. Though it does seem a little out of character, doesn’t it? I was merely trying to fit in. Also do not judge me when you’re the one who watches My Little Pony. Really Dean?
Cringing at the use of his favourite children’s show against him, he hoped that no one would notice that his face was almost completely flush.
stuckinperdition: So? At least it’s not some kind of ‘High School Musical’.
…Except for the cute cashier who smiled at him ‘knowingly’ as he gave her a nervous smile setting his things down on the counter before him. Pop, cigarettes, chips…an energy drink, and some chocolate for himself. A night of gaming and homework ahead.
It was as he was leaving for home that he checked again to see Cas’ reply;
iamcalmanditsdoctor: I stand by my point. As well I feel you have no room for judgement with your recent endeavors in reading ‘MSPaintAdventures’. To quote you; really Dean?
He should have seen that coming really…but the quirky style of the webcomic had lured him in. Not to mention he wanted to know what these ‘trolls’ were as the only kind he was familiar with were the mythical kind, the 4chan kind, and…those on World of Warcraft.
stuckinperdition: Hey, Homestuck is cool! …Kinda. I’m still in the earlier acts and it’s hard to get through some of the typing quirks but I like it.
Jogging at the light he raised his hand in thanks to the driver that stopped for him, smiling as they gestured for him to keep going.
iamcalmanditsdoctor: Which makes me point out that I like Glee. The romance between Kurt and Blaine is endearing.
stuckinperdition: You just like the sounds Kurt makes when they start making out.
iamcalmanditsdoctor: …I never denied that point. They are quite arousing when they kiss. Makes me wonder if you would make noises like that if I were to surprise you with a kiss like Blaine did with Kurt.
He almost dropped the bag at the bluntness of that statement, heart beating fast in his chest as he looked around hoping no one saw his near blunder. Rushing home he worked out his reply;
stuckinperdition: Do you have to be so blunt?
iamcalmanditsdoctor: Would you rather I dance about the issue, or avoid it completely? You want me intimately, I want you intimately…I don’t see why we can’t address it. Though perhaps public might not be the best place to discuss it it’s something to be discussed. Maybe when you get home yes? Unfortunately I can’t actually get you to make those kinds of noises right now…at least not tonight. It would be an interesting experiment to try and get you to orgasm just by my voice, or through text.
He was stuck on the middle of his street, staring at his phone this time, face almost completely red. Swallowing hard he jogged the rest of the way home, cursing the other for this. He was supposed to be the one getting Cas sexually frustrated. Not the other way around! Chewing on his bottom lip he worked the door unlocked, shouting up to his Mom that her things were in the kitchen before rushing with his things to his room. Locking himself away so she would leave him alone.
As fast as he could he sent Cas an IM;
Dean: Really Cas?!
Castiel: It served its purpose did it not? You’re home now. Though I meant every word. I will be unable to tonight however as I’ve things to attend to in the morning that require rest. If I remember correctly you have a mathematics final in the morning as well? I’m sure you’ve that to study for. And I bid you good luck with your counselors meeting by the way. I trust you’ve been keeping up with your sleep schedule as promised?
Dean: …well…not really…and ugh don’t remind me about my exam. I feel sick just thinking about it. Don’t even know if I’m going to sleep well enough tonight…
Castiel: Dean did you take another midday nap?
Dean: I was stressed okay? I don’t want to fail another class and have Dad yell at me. Plus Mom, money, all that other shit. Since Sam left most of the household stuff has been left to me. And I keep freakin out cause I’m worried about Sam. I looked out for him most of his live you know?
Castiel: I do know Dean, and I know you fell behind in highschool to watch him. But you have to take care of yourself now. You need to get on to a more normal sleeping pattern. Even if it means going to bed earlier. Make yourself get up in the morning. At least tonight…
Dean: I’ll try Cas…You able to stay on tonight?
Castiel: I’ll sit up with you to watch the finale for Criminal Minds, but then I should sleep. I have to take Father to the Doctor’s in the morning to get him checked.
Smiling faintly at his screen he pulled up livestream and his download of the finale. They spent the next two hours talking about the show, and anything else they could think of. As well as getting excited over Castle.
When Cas logged off Dean busied about his room. Doing anything but studying really. Anything to take his mind off his impending failure even though he knew he was just setting himself up for it. Self fulfilling prophecy as people had told him.
Working himself into a panicked state. Heart racing in his chest, thudding against his ribcage as he held his stomach. Scowling down at the softness. Something that the kids had laughed at him for in highschool. Dumpy Dean. Dumbo Dean. Anything they thought up they would call him. Some of the more common ones about his bad grades, or his weight since he had a little ‘baby’ fat as his Dad called it.
Still had it apparently…
Even called him Deanna, and accused him of being gay (which he was not, he liked girls just fine. But apparently liking both was a death sentence). Shoved him around. Threw things at him.
Tears formed in his eyes just thinking about it, pushing his shirt down to hide the scars. If he ever did meet Cas would he really even want him…? Cas had not seen him bare below the neck yet…he knew Dean had scars but…he had not seen them. Would he really still want him?
Wiping at his eyes he changed his clothes, grabbing his cellphone before crawling into bed. It was two hours before midnight but he did not care.
…He began to care five hours later though when he still could not sleep. His mind racing with everything and nothing. School, friends, life, fantasies of what he would like to happen but never will. Anything. The thought of love, and school sending him into a mild panic that had him wiping at his eyes again. Trying desperately to calm himself. Even if it was in vain.
In the end, he went into the test with no sleep.
Next Chapter
Chapter: 1/?
Author: little_artemis (AKA balthiersgirl on y!, and littleartemis everywhere else)
Rating: NC-17
Current Word Count: 2217
Fandom: Supernatural
Characters/Pairing: Dean Winchester
Warning: suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, mental health issues, abuse, bullying
Summary: With his depression, and anxiety Dean's become detached from almost everyone around him. His step mother is abusive, his father stressed to the point of yelling at him all the time. Sam's off at Stanford. All he has is his internet, and a boy named Castiel Shurley in England.
Notes: Will write more for this college AU when I have the time. This was prompted by boazpriestly on tumblr. 'Dean/Cas writers should write something based on what they know.' The events in this fic are based around my own life experiences.
Rating is NC-17 for violent thoughts, and sex in later chapters.
Disclaimer: All characters, and the world belong to their respective owners. I claim no rights to them, and make no profit from this fan work.
Fingers combing through his hair, he closed his eyes feeling the tiredness threatening to make him collapse right there at his desk. His step mother shouted at him from across the hall, likely demanding money, or something else inane like making her something to eat. Even if he was supposed to focus on his Computer Information Sciences homework because he was falling behind. No matter how much he ignored her, she kept yelling, making his migraine worse and worse.
Pinching at the bridge of his nose a small part of him hoped she would give up until he heard the distinct sound of his phone buzzing on the desk right next to him. Looking over at it with a small groan he covered his face with one hand, eyes falling closed as the free one picked it up.
One finger swipe across the screen and he pressed it to his ear, waiting for whatever demand she had this time.
“Yes?” Cold. Distant. Obviously irritated. But what did the bitch expect? She had ruined his family. Ran his father into debt, emotionally abused, and used him and his brother. Sam had hightailed it from town as soon as he got the chance, making a run for Stanford leaving Dean behind to deal with both their parents.
With Jane’s moods getting worse and her pushing John even more into the hole…everything was falling on him now.
Really though…Dean did not think he could manage it. He was just twenty two, starting college, and he had his own shit to deal with. Starting medications for his depression, getting into counseling for his anxiety. His therapist, counselor, and his psychiatrist were all pushing for him to get out of the destructive environment. Where John’s yelling at him about being a disappointment sent him spiraling into depressed panic attacks where he had to cling onto something to ground him.
Anything to keep the thoughts of death and suicide at bay.
It did not help that he knew where all of John’s guns, and his hunting knifes were…
He shuddered just to think about every time the thought of just stabbing into his wrist, or pulling the barrel of one gun to his head…
No.
He had something to keep pushing for. Even if it was just a twinkle of light at the end of a never ending dark tunnel. It was something.
“Can you get me a packet of cigarettes? And while you’re at it, some soda and chips for me? I don’t have any money, but I can pay you back later.” Her voice cracked through the receiving end of the phone and he had to hold in a sigh.
The usual. Only she would not be paying him back, his Father would. She never paid him back it was always someone else’s money. After all she did not have a job. She was in too much pain. Just leeching from everyone else around her, doing this big act to make herself look so great, so charitable when she was stealing from those close to her to make herself seem better.
“Yes Mom.” Gritting his teeth he forced a smile, knowing if he told her no she would call his Dad who would beg him to just do what she wanted and let it be over with.
Then he could come back, hop onto his Tumblr and see if Castiel was going to be online. It was going to be another night of cursing timezones and wishing that England was not so far away from where he lived. Wishing that he had enough money to pack it all up and just fly over there. That he could be there now…
But Cas even had his own problems with his Dad sick, and the doctors unsure really of what was wrong with him. With Mr. Shurley weak they had some problems going on that Dean was unable to help with. He was left to just listen when Cas needed to rant, and his friend in turn.
At least when he got home, he could talk with him about the Criminal Minds finale.
Ending the call he let out a drawn out sigh, chewing on his bottom lip as he searched for his glasses. Hoodie, phone, ipod, wallet, reusable bag…everything he would need.
When he stood the cats woke, Gizmo moving to circle his legs, looking up at him with some amount of curiousity. “I’ll feed you and Baby when I get back home.” A small smile played on his lips, bending over to pet the large calico.
Passing the shelf by his bedroom door he grabbed his keys, bus pass and ID before leaving. It would only take him twenty minutes max to walk to the store and back really. Just taking his bus pass with him in case he got sent for anything else. Like a lottery ticket. A small hope in freedom John had picked up. Something to give them both the sense that there might be something else out there better for them.
Door locked, headphones in, he played with the apps on his phone as he walked, smiling faintly when he saw Cas posting online.
iamcalmanditsdoctor: Blaine and Kurt are too cute together. omg
Rolling his eyes he sent a quick reply before jogging across the intersection as the signal beeped for him to cross. ‘Angel With a Shotgun’ blaring in his ears.
stuckinperdition replied to your post:
- omg Cas? Really?
iamcalmanditsdoctor: I am unsure if you’re making a sarcastic comment on my use of ‘omg’ or agreeing with me…though knowing you it is likely a comment on my use of the anagram.
The corner of his lips twitched as he tried not to grin, typing out his next reply, reblogging the post instead this time.
stuckinperdition: Considering it means ‘oh my god’, naturally I’m surprised. You tell me not to blaspheme all the time. Not to mention; Glee? Really Cas?
Looking up he selected the things his ‘Mom’ would want, moving over to the cash register.
iamcalmanditsdoctor: I could stand for ‘oh my gosh’ as well, Dean. Don’t forget that. Though it does seem a little out of character, doesn’t it? I was merely trying to fit in. Also do not judge me when you’re the one who watches My Little Pony. Really Dean?
Cringing at the use of his favourite children’s show against him, he hoped that no one would notice that his face was almost completely flush.
stuckinperdition: So? At least it’s not some kind of ‘High School Musical’.
…Except for the cute cashier who smiled at him ‘knowingly’ as he gave her a nervous smile setting his things down on the counter before him. Pop, cigarettes, chips…an energy drink, and some chocolate for himself. A night of gaming and homework ahead.
It was as he was leaving for home that he checked again to see Cas’ reply;
iamcalmanditsdoctor: I stand by my point. As well I feel you have no room for judgement with your recent endeavors in reading ‘MSPaintAdventures’. To quote you; really Dean?
He should have seen that coming really…but the quirky style of the webcomic had lured him in. Not to mention he wanted to know what these ‘trolls’ were as the only kind he was familiar with were the mythical kind, the 4chan kind, and…those on World of Warcraft.
stuckinperdition: Hey, Homestuck is cool! …Kinda. I’m still in the earlier acts and it’s hard to get through some of the typing quirks but I like it.
Jogging at the light he raised his hand in thanks to the driver that stopped for him, smiling as they gestured for him to keep going.
iamcalmanditsdoctor: Which makes me point out that I like Glee. The romance between Kurt and Blaine is endearing.
stuckinperdition: You just like the sounds Kurt makes when they start making out.
iamcalmanditsdoctor: …I never denied that point. They are quite arousing when they kiss. Makes me wonder if you would make noises like that if I were to surprise you with a kiss like Blaine did with Kurt.
He almost dropped the bag at the bluntness of that statement, heart beating fast in his chest as he looked around hoping no one saw his near blunder. Rushing home he worked out his reply;
stuckinperdition: Do you have to be so blunt?
iamcalmanditsdoctor: Would you rather I dance about the issue, or avoid it completely? You want me intimately, I want you intimately…I don’t see why we can’t address it. Though perhaps public might not be the best place to discuss it it’s something to be discussed. Maybe when you get home yes? Unfortunately I can’t actually get you to make those kinds of noises right now…at least not tonight. It would be an interesting experiment to try and get you to orgasm just by my voice, or through text.
He was stuck on the middle of his street, staring at his phone this time, face almost completely red. Swallowing hard he jogged the rest of the way home, cursing the other for this. He was supposed to be the one getting Cas sexually frustrated. Not the other way around! Chewing on his bottom lip he worked the door unlocked, shouting up to his Mom that her things were in the kitchen before rushing with his things to his room. Locking himself away so she would leave him alone.
As fast as he could he sent Cas an IM;
Dean: Really Cas?!
Castiel: It served its purpose did it not? You’re home now. Though I meant every word. I will be unable to tonight however as I’ve things to attend to in the morning that require rest. If I remember correctly you have a mathematics final in the morning as well? I’m sure you’ve that to study for. And I bid you good luck with your counselors meeting by the way. I trust you’ve been keeping up with your sleep schedule as promised?
Dean: …well…not really…and ugh don’t remind me about my exam. I feel sick just thinking about it. Don’t even know if I’m going to sleep well enough tonight…
Castiel: Dean did you take another midday nap?
Dean: I was stressed okay? I don’t want to fail another class and have Dad yell at me. Plus Mom, money, all that other shit. Since Sam left most of the household stuff has been left to me. And I keep freakin out cause I’m worried about Sam. I looked out for him most of his live you know?
Castiel: I do know Dean, and I know you fell behind in highschool to watch him. But you have to take care of yourself now. You need to get on to a more normal sleeping pattern. Even if it means going to bed earlier. Make yourself get up in the morning. At least tonight…
Dean: I’ll try Cas…You able to stay on tonight?
Castiel: I’ll sit up with you to watch the finale for Criminal Minds, but then I should sleep. I have to take Father to the Doctor’s in the morning to get him checked.
Smiling faintly at his screen he pulled up livestream and his download of the finale. They spent the next two hours talking about the show, and anything else they could think of. As well as getting excited over Castle.
When Cas logged off Dean busied about his room. Doing anything but studying really. Anything to take his mind off his impending failure even though he knew he was just setting himself up for it. Self fulfilling prophecy as people had told him.
Working himself into a panicked state. Heart racing in his chest, thudding against his ribcage as he held his stomach. Scowling down at the softness. Something that the kids had laughed at him for in highschool. Dumpy Dean. Dumbo Dean. Anything they thought up they would call him. Some of the more common ones about his bad grades, or his weight since he had a little ‘baby’ fat as his Dad called it.
Still had it apparently…
Even called him Deanna, and accused him of being gay (which he was not, he liked girls just fine. But apparently liking both was a death sentence). Shoved him around. Threw things at him.
Tears formed in his eyes just thinking about it, pushing his shirt down to hide the scars. If he ever did meet Cas would he really even want him…? Cas had not seen him bare below the neck yet…he knew Dean had scars but…he had not seen them. Would he really still want him?
Wiping at his eyes he changed his clothes, grabbing his cellphone before crawling into bed. It was two hours before midnight but he did not care.
…He began to care five hours later though when he still could not sleep. His mind racing with everything and nothing. School, friends, life, fantasies of what he would like to happen but never will. Anything. The thought of love, and school sending him into a mild panic that had him wiping at his eyes again. Trying desperately to calm himself. Even if it was in vain.
In the end, he went into the test with no sleep.
Next Chapter