(no subject)
I'm having an angry sort of day today. I guess I'm moving through my stages of healing my heart again.
I'm angry that he started out as the most loving, caring person and switched into someone else slowly -- someone else who blamed me for things that were not my fault, put everyone else's needs first, and didn't care that all the running around was exhausting me.
I'm angry that he started out that way so that I would love him, then broke my heart by turning into someone else.
I'm angry that he claimed he wouldn't leave or run away, when in the end that's exactly what he did.
I'm angry that once again I managed to choose someone that didn't want to actually do the hard part of maintaining a relationship.
I'm angry that I let it go on for as long as I did.
I'm angry that I let a little giddiness stop me from dating other men at first to see what my options were.
I'm angry that I didn't see that the fact that it was all his ex's fault means that now it's all my fault too. I wonder what nickname I'll garner? Let's see there's the immature one, the messy one, the I do not drive one and there's one other one in there too. I'm probably the antisocial one. WTF ever. You know, I realize as I tell my friends what he said about me and they look at me like "WHAT?" that I'm not all that antisocial. Sure, I'm introverted and I value downtime, but I'm not antisocial. I only become that way when I'm not heard, not valued, not listened to, etc.
I AM SO ANGRY. I'm angry at him. But I'm angry at me too.
The good news is that I know this is a stage. I have the right to go through stages, to be angry, to be sad, to not be OK. I know that at the end I will heal and will be ready to date again and hopefully forge a strong relationship with someone who is willing to do the work necessary to keep one going.
I'm angry that he started out as the most loving, caring person and switched into someone else slowly -- someone else who blamed me for things that were not my fault, put everyone else's needs first, and didn't care that all the running around was exhausting me.
I'm angry that he started out that way so that I would love him, then broke my heart by turning into someone else.
I'm angry that he claimed he wouldn't leave or run away, when in the end that's exactly what he did.
I'm angry that once again I managed to choose someone that didn't want to actually do the hard part of maintaining a relationship.
I'm angry that I let it go on for as long as I did.
I'm angry that I let a little giddiness stop me from dating other men at first to see what my options were.
I'm angry that I didn't see that the fact that it was all his ex's fault means that now it's all my fault too. I wonder what nickname I'll garner? Let's see there's the immature one, the messy one, the I do not drive one and there's one other one in there too. I'm probably the antisocial one. WTF ever. You know, I realize as I tell my friends what he said about me and they look at me like "WHAT?" that I'm not all that antisocial. Sure, I'm introverted and I value downtime, but I'm not antisocial. I only become that way when I'm not heard, not valued, not listened to, etc.
I AM SO ANGRY. I'm angry at him. But I'm angry at me too.
The good news is that I know this is a stage. I have the right to go through stages, to be angry, to be sad, to not be OK. I know that at the end I will heal and will be ready to date again and hopefully forge a strong relationship with someone who is willing to do the work necessary to keep one going.