So lost..
Okay so I’m really bored and cant sleep so here it goes
I don’t even know what to think anymore…
I’m so sick of this
I’m so sick of living like this, the person I’ve become, and not seeing anything ahead
I lost hope a long time ago
I know that things will get better and I’ll be stronger for it. Yadayada…I know it! I’ve heard it a thousand times! I’ve told myself that a thousand times. But do ya think its helped any? Hmm no. I’m sick of being tired all the time, I’m sick of catching every stinkin bug out there. I’m tired of having no energy to do things that I need and want to do. I’m tired of not being able to think or concentrate to get what I need done and finished. I’m tired of not going to school, not seeing my friends every day. I’m just sick to my stomach that I’m not a part of my friends lives anymore. I really don’t blame them, I haven’t been around, but it just sucks that they’ve all grown closer and had all these good times that yet again I’ve missed out on over the course of the past 6th months. I’m tired of not going to church, small groups, frontline, and swat. I’m sick of not being fed, and having to learn everything on my own in my times with God. I’m frustrated that I’m still going thru this. All I want is for God to say “Alright Christi, you passed the test! Way to go kid!” Yeah definitely hasn’t happened. I’m sick of staying home all the time. I’m sick of staying in this freakin house for days at a time. I’m sick of my parents. I feel bad for them that I’ve put them thru so much crap. But I’m sick of them telling me what to do, when to sleep, when to do homework, when to take my pills, when to eat their healthy crap food, when to go out and do things, and when to come home! I had more freedom when I was in 8th grade for goodness sakes! I’m sad that they hired another high schooler at the office to share my hours with. I’m sad that I have to train her this week…and I’ve let my boss’ and coworkers down by not being there to do my job. I’m sad that I haven’t been at school and my teachers have to do 3x the work to send me home things and email my mom back like everyday it seems. I’m sad that I’m just an inconvenience for them. I’m tired of going to the doctor. Twice a week, is that really necessary? I’m tired of getting needles poked in me, when I don’t even know if its working. I’m tired of taking 30 pills a day, and not knowing if they’re doing me a bit of good anyways. I’m tired of missing out on things. I’m sad that I cant go to Kentucky either. I’m crying now just thinking about it. I’m sad that I cant go to Creation. I’m freakin mad about everything! I absolutely hate this disease! I’m tired of having mood swings, and being depressed. I’m tired of only having 6 hrs a day where I actually have enough energy to get outta bed or off the couch and do something productive. I miss everything about what I used to be like, what I used to do, the people I was friends with. I wish everything could just rewind to last summer and I could start again. And have the amazing summer all over again, but also rest and be smart about how much to push myself. Just so I could’ve prevented this stupid thing from coming on. I feel bad because all these people are praying for me, but its been so long, I’m sure they’re tired of me being on their prayer list. I just feel horrible when I’m an inconvenience to anyone. I feel bad that everyone I’m sure is tired of asking me how I’m doing and I give the usual response..Oh I’m alright, hanging in there. I know I’m supposed to take it one day at a time but lets see. I’ve gone 190 days of feeling like this. Trust me, I counted. And the awful thing is that I’m complaining my butt of after this. And theres people who go years and years, maybe even their whole lives, and they’re sick. They complain less than I do. See another reason to just be so pissed at myself. I’m without hope. If any of you reading this can give me any advice or tell me how to make things better, I’d sure appreciate it. I’ve tried so much, and it just doesn’t seem to be working.
`Christi