February 13th
And so it begins; tour season is upon us. From now until fall, he will come & go, rationalizing the distance in ways that I can't, but nod politely & smile encouragingly at.
Time has flown by, but at the same time it feels like an eternity ago since Aaron last packed up his bags, mulled over which guitar to carry, & walked out the door for a few weeks on the road. I'm grateful for these breaks & I know I've said it before...it's nice to have a pause button in this life of ours. Time apart is good & it allows us to be us independently, but it's strange how easy, yet not, saying good bye has become. He is my best friend, but in that way that no girlfriend can be to another. In a place that has become so devastatingly lonely as here, his absence is something that I've grown to dread. That's not like me at all.
I enjoy being alone...but these days, I feel like I say that more so to reassure myself that I do, in fact, enjoy being alone. The longer you go without connecting to other humans, the harder it becomes to actually do so when the opportunity arises. I'm not talking about letters or emails, texts, social networking, what have you (without all of that, however, I'd be sunk)...I'm talking face to face human contact. Something more than a lifeless transaction at the drugstore...though I do appreciate the sunny personalities at the post office. At any rate, I find myself slipping deeper back inside myself & it feels like I don't know how to be me these days. I admit, it's pretty forced on my IG accounts. Not that it's not me, but it's important to me that I keep that space positive for the most part & keep the dialogues I have open. So, I fake it to make it. It does bring a good bit of light into this dim winter...and I suppose there's something a little romantic about recently acquiring a number good old fashioned pen pals. I just wish it were as easy to make friends here in real life! What gives??
I have little flashbacks of who "I am" & wish I could reunite myself with that girl, meet folks who would appreciate my humor, my journey, my vulnerability, & my gifts. I wish I could just be around my friends, the people who know me the best, the folks who knew me when I didn't have a fucking clue, nor any intent on getting one. The ones who have stood by my side, despite distance & growth, the people who know that despite my desire to be a more balanced & compassionate me, somewhere in here, I'm still the same old creep. I am what I am & I think that my transparency in real life is a strength. It is a trait that can never be conveyed via online networking.
I also wonder sometimes if stifling my humor or internal response to things over the years since working at the pediatrics office (no one...and I mean NO ONE laughed at the things I did. Thank god they just learned to let me, because I'd have gone mad) & primarily, AAA, has had a big impact on how I see myself now. Who I was, as a woman, as a person, was dealt with in such conflicting ways at AAA. I was celebrated, yet repressed at the same time out there. Depending on my co-staff, gender roles were present, though vieled behind some convoluted, neo-hippie, enlightenment horseshit. I was respected as & often referred to by ALL of my co-staff as a strong, intelligent female role model in groups that had a hard time with gender specific issues & respect...but I was never "balanced" enough & feedback suggested that it wasn't just interpersonal skills that needed work (we ALL need work in that department), it was ME.
I was either too nurturing or not nurturing enough. Too sarcastic or too quiet. I began to second guess who I was, what I brought to the table, what that made me, how I was regarded amongst my peers both inside & outside of the field. What was at first an empowering situation that allowed me to sort some personal shit out, discover my strengths & limits, & embrace genuine happiness, quickly became something pretty difficult to sit in. Don't get me wrong...that's great. That's the whole fucking point...but I'm just still not sure what I came away with, because it wasn't until this past year that I began to process everything I experienced. And there's so much more to it! Personal relationships at the time were both liberating & confining. I was absolutely, without a doubt objectified. Frankly, I'm on the fence about how I feel in regards to that. I don't mind a little objectification here & there; I do it myself. I did it with him...but eventually, coming from him, it got old. It felt juvenile. It became incredibly boring. And when it ended because I was raped, he shamed me, feigned disbelief because I wasn't able to handle it with the same level of professionalism as I'd have addressing it in one of my students, then tried to fuck me one last time, one last "pity fuck" to soothe his heartbreak. So, I dunno. Is this about lonliness? Is this about finally facing some shit I keep stuffing back into the dark recesses of my brain? I'm not so damaged that I can't function, but I guess being alone so much doesn't give me anyone to hide behind anymore.
...I may have just gone off on a tangent there, but I'm going to just leave this as is. I don't give a fuck if this is well written or makes sense. I've been up since 3am & I just felt like typing.
Time has flown by, but at the same time it feels like an eternity ago since Aaron last packed up his bags, mulled over which guitar to carry, & walked out the door for a few weeks on the road. I'm grateful for these breaks & I know I've said it before...it's nice to have a pause button in this life of ours. Time apart is good & it allows us to be us independently, but it's strange how easy, yet not, saying good bye has become. He is my best friend, but in that way that no girlfriend can be to another. In a place that has become so devastatingly lonely as here, his absence is something that I've grown to dread. That's not like me at all.
I enjoy being alone...but these days, I feel like I say that more so to reassure myself that I do, in fact, enjoy being alone. The longer you go without connecting to other humans, the harder it becomes to actually do so when the opportunity arises. I'm not talking about letters or emails, texts, social networking, what have you (without all of that, however, I'd be sunk)...I'm talking face to face human contact. Something more than a lifeless transaction at the drugstore...though I do appreciate the sunny personalities at the post office. At any rate, I find myself slipping deeper back inside myself & it feels like I don't know how to be me these days. I admit, it's pretty forced on my IG accounts. Not that it's not me, but it's important to me that I keep that space positive for the most part & keep the dialogues I have open. So, I fake it to make it. It does bring a good bit of light into this dim winter...and I suppose there's something a little romantic about recently acquiring a number good old fashioned pen pals. I just wish it were as easy to make friends here in real life! What gives??
I have little flashbacks of who "I am" & wish I could reunite myself with that girl, meet folks who would appreciate my humor, my journey, my vulnerability, & my gifts. I wish I could just be around my friends, the people who know me the best, the folks who knew me when I didn't have a fucking clue, nor any intent on getting one. The ones who have stood by my side, despite distance & growth, the people who know that despite my desire to be a more balanced & compassionate me, somewhere in here, I'm still the same old creep. I am what I am & I think that my transparency in real life is a strength. It is a trait that can never be conveyed via online networking.
I also wonder sometimes if stifling my humor or internal response to things over the years since working at the pediatrics office (no one...and I mean NO ONE laughed at the things I did. Thank god they just learned to let me, because I'd have gone mad) & primarily, AAA, has had a big impact on how I see myself now. Who I was, as a woman, as a person, was dealt with in such conflicting ways at AAA. I was celebrated, yet repressed at the same time out there. Depending on my co-staff, gender roles were present, though vieled behind some convoluted, neo-hippie, enlightenment horseshit. I was respected as & often referred to by ALL of my co-staff as a strong, intelligent female role model in groups that had a hard time with gender specific issues & respect...but I was never "balanced" enough & feedback suggested that it wasn't just interpersonal skills that needed work (we ALL need work in that department), it was ME.
I was either too nurturing or not nurturing enough. Too sarcastic or too quiet. I began to second guess who I was, what I brought to the table, what that made me, how I was regarded amongst my peers both inside & outside of the field. What was at first an empowering situation that allowed me to sort some personal shit out, discover my strengths & limits, & embrace genuine happiness, quickly became something pretty difficult to sit in. Don't get me wrong...that's great. That's the whole fucking point...but I'm just still not sure what I came away with, because it wasn't until this past year that I began to process everything I experienced. And there's so much more to it! Personal relationships at the time were both liberating & confining. I was absolutely, without a doubt objectified. Frankly, I'm on the fence about how I feel in regards to that. I don't mind a little objectification here & there; I do it myself. I did it with him...but eventually, coming from him, it got old. It felt juvenile. It became incredibly boring. And when it ended because I was raped, he shamed me, feigned disbelief because I wasn't able to handle it with the same level of professionalism as I'd have addressing it in one of my students, then tried to fuck me one last time, one last "pity fuck" to soothe his heartbreak. So, I dunno. Is this about lonliness? Is this about finally facing some shit I keep stuffing back into the dark recesses of my brain? I'm not so damaged that I can't function, but I guess being alone so much doesn't give me anyone to hide behind anymore.
...I may have just gone off on a tangent there, but I'm going to just leave this as is. I don't give a fuck if this is well written or makes sense. I've been up since 3am & I just felt like typing.
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