How did it get so late so soon?
I cannot believe that we're winding down towards the end to another
year. It's sneaking up on us so quietly, so softly, as though this past
year was composed of nothing particularly noteworthy or memorable.
Sliding in & out of the room shyly, with not so much as a rustle or a
stumble. What's funny, however, is when I look back upon this year, it
was full of so much-especially early on-but I suppose I should concede
that it quieted down about midway. Regardless, I can honestly say I
welcome the end of 2012, & with open arms, anticipate 2013 without
the forced enthusiasm & exhaustion I felt at the beginning of last
year. What a year it's been. And what a year we have ahead of us.
I believe 2013 is going to be a year of renewal. There are going to be
some big changes occurring here on our end-new beginnings, most
definitely, as much as I hate that damn term. But, new beginnings they
will be. Bane is ending-after just shy of 20 years, they are wrapping it
up & plan to be done touring completely by summer 2014, if not
sooner. This is a little scary for both of us; obviously more so Aaron
than me. On my end, this marks an end of an era, so to speak, and shines
a light on what it feels like to be an aging hardcore kid. Despite
there being more to my life than that these days, it's responsible for
who I am, for shaping my ethics & carving my path in life. That's
all for another post, but I was reflecting on it a little bit the other
night at Into Another. It was less bittersweet than Burning Fight, but
difficult-albeit awesome-nonetheless. And, as Aaron's partner, I'm
nervous & concerned for what this means for him. You cannot just
walk away from something that you built-something that your entire
identity is composed of-and it not affect you. A month after graduating
high school, that man walked out the door & hasn't stopped touring
since. Converge, Bane, Only Crime...it's been his entire life. What this
means is so much more than I can even comprehend, put words to,
understand.
It was flattering & comforting to hear that when
weighing in on the ending, Aaron told me his decision & explanation
for how he saw Bane ending was based on us & our plans to begin a
family...and I hope that somewhere in all of that, he can find his
identity as my spouse & a father to our child. It's not the same,
not by a long fucking shot. But, I absolutely believe that a man as
talented as he is will not go unrewarded. He will find his place again.
So, that, combined with a few other tricks we have up our sleeves, are in
store for the coming months. I'm hesitant to go into too much; if I've
learned anything in the past few years, & the universe has
reiterated to me in the past couple weeks, it's that nothing is certain.
I haven't moved from bed hardly at all today. I've managed to stay in my
pajamas all day, minus an hour when Aaron wandered back in in the early
afternoon. There's something to be said about making love in the
afternoon & it doesn't happen nearly enough these days.
Pancakes, netflix marathons, online window shopping, & now polishing off
what's left of a bottle of good shiraz in bed-I'd say Thursday has been a
success. File it under: quietly celebrating still being employed this
week. Thank goodness for these small miracles.
Mrs. C fell & broke her hip the day before Christmas Eve, shortly after arriving in
Vermont at her daughter's house. Until today, I was sort of left
hanging, not sure of what was coming next or whether I was employed. We
got good news today & I'll continue to be on salary, she's proposed
to be home in a week or so, & I got a raise as well. A girlfriend
today shared a pretty cliche, but accurate sentiment: "Good things
happen to good people, Jennifer." I hope it's not too brash of me to
think that somehow, the reaching out, the kindness, the light I've tried
to share with everyone around me (save for a few worthless
interruptions) has come full circle. It's scary being confronted with
the realities of being unemployed-regardless of the fact that I'm armed
with more than one degree & well versed in a number of talents-even
when y0u know damn well that your job can end at any time. Caring for a
90 year old alcoholic doesn't exactly scream job security. Maybe it's
the notion of going back to the 'real world' that's so frightening. I'm
not sure. I refuse, I'll tell you that much. I flat out refuse.
Enough rambling. I've neglected the blog, so I sort of felt like a quick
update was in order. I'm playing with the notion of taking everything
wordpress related off-line at the beginning of the new year. The other
blog served a purpose, but also became a target for negativity & a
reminder of how difficult it can be to trust folks. It's done. This
one...it's just taking up space. I simultaneously update my old
livejournal these days & somehow, that feels more like home. It
wears the battle scars of the woman I was, the woman I set out to
destroy, but ultimately it's who I am; so it's nice to be back there as
the woman I became out of all of that bullshit. I'm not sure yet what
I'm going to do, but I have a couple days to decide.