it's my own design, it's my own remorse | help me to decide, help me make the most...
... of freedom and of pleasure,
nothing ever lasts forever.
We watched that thing on the History Chanel about the predictions for the apocalypse in 2012.
I ended up bawling. It was horrible, I was having so many cruel thoughts and the prospect of this actually being true came crashing down all over me. "It's okay, I'm here," he said, as I clung to him and clawed at his back, sobbing silently into his neck, feeling my own tears on his face. I'm so safe with him but even he can't prevent a fucking apocalypse. He told me to tell him what I was thinking, and I didn't even want to verbalize it because it was mind-fucking me so badly.
I just said that if that does happen, I'll be what, 23? 24? There's just too much I want to do and there's no way I can have it all done by 24 and that kills me. I told him I want to make a change - I want to write something epic or make a film that changes the way people think about something, I don't know, I just know that I need to do something, because I know I'm the kind of person who can. And it's not even stuff like that, stuff in my own hands - it's other things, like time. I WANT to know what it feels like to be 40. 50. 60. I want to have kids, grandkids. And those things cannot physically happen by 2012. "You can have a kid by then." I know, but I'm not going to bring a child into this world if it's going to end, just to see my two year old daughter die right in front of me. "Wow, that's..." he said. "SEE?! Do you see why I'm like this right now? Do you see the kind of shit that's going through my head?" He said that's where we'd be different - "If I knew the world was ending, I WOULD have a kid, because I'd want that person to come with." I said that was selfish. He said that's not what he meant, he meant that he'd like someone else to be able to come with for the Ascension and experience the next life, and then went on about it. I got so insanely frustrated, I nearly screamed, and I probably would have if we weren't at his house full of other people. "CJ. YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT I DON'T BELIEVE IN ANOTHER LIFE. THIS IS IT FOR ME. THAT IS WHY I AM SO FUCKING UPSET RIGHT NOW." Oh, he forgot about that, he says. How can you forget something we've discussed numerous times. It's like our fucking favorite thing to talk about. He kind of laughed under his breath, I asked him what that meant. He said he wasn't laughing at all, he was just so...overcome and not that he likes seeing me cry, but he said he liked that he was seeing this side of me because it was so real and I'm so deep and it was almost beyond his comprehension.
He told me I already was affecting people. "You're affecting so many fucking people, Alyssa, more people than you even KNOW and that's where you don't give yourself enough credit." He started talking about how a butterfly flapping its wings can affect something on the other side of the world. I lost it because I have several sentimental attachments to butterflies. I went on about how there's so much I still need to do, I need to make and have the time to see that difference. He told me to look at Citizen Kane - it made a profoundly huge impact on cinematography and how we do things today but if you ask younger generations about it, they haven't even seen it or they don't even know what it is. "Yeah, well at least Citizen Kane is in their textbooks." And I started crying even harder. "I just want to be in people's books."
I couldn't even talk or breathe because at this point I was just so... and I was was trying to contain it as much as I could and be as quiet as I could and the thoughts going through my head were just horrendous. "What if it hurts?" I asked after a few moments of quiet. "And god, my biggest fear out of anything, ever..." It took me forever to spit it out. "Like okay, say I'm with you. And you're dying, and you're in SO much pain that you ASK me to kill you. Bash a rock in your face. And I want to, because I care and I don't want you to have to suffer, but imagine being in that moment, I don't know if I could do it and god I am so scared of something like that - having someone's life in my hands like that, you have no idea." And then he told me that if I was dying and in pain and asked him to, he'd put a bullet in my head. It was morbidly romantic, twisted, pure, sick, poetic.
I went on about how well shit, if the world IS ending, why bother? Why NOT just rack up a bunch of debt and travel and do everything and be selfish and pleasure-seek constantly? Why bother even writing anything or making a film if it will only see the light of day for a year? He asked me how long something would have to exist in order to be worth it to me. "Why NOT make something only to have it exist a year? It will still affect people in that year and that's what you want." Yeah, but then they'll die without having enough time to appreciate it and spread it and change things. It just wouldn't feel like enough compared to the time and heart I'd undoubtedly end up putting in. I said that I need to die with people still here, and my things still here - it's a comfort issue. I could care less what happens to them after I'm gone, because I won't know, but I need to leave here with the thought that everything will go on forever.
"I can't even breathe," I whispered. And it wasn't even just panic and fear, it was that I physically couldn't breathe because I'm sick AND I'm crying, and my throat and nose were closing up and I couldn't even get any air.
They were saying on the TV that this was likely to happen because of the way we are, the human race. I believe that the human race as a whole can be horrible - we're assholes, we're selfish, we don't take care of our planet, etc. There are some very, very bad people here. Murderers. Bombers. People who beat their wives. Start things on fire. Abuse animals. Strangle infants. Fire guns. Dismiss people and entire cultures for their beliefs. There's hate. Genocide. War. And this natural disaster or whatever it is that's going to end up wiping us out is our own karmic fault because of those things. And I got extremely frustrated because I'm not one of those people up there. And I don't feel I should have to be punished for things I didn't do. I don't want to DIE because someone else did one of those things. I know I'm not a perfect person. I can be bitchy and vindictive and self-centered but I think at the center, when you peel me open, I'm good and I've got a good heart. And I don't want to die because someone else doesn't. I just would feel so jipped. I came up with a theory that maybe only the assholes will die. Like some pruning of the human race, some Survival Of The Emotionally Fittest. But it's not like that underground volcano that has the potential to erupt and wipe out 5 billion people in one fell swoop's lava is going to get to the good people and say, "You are safe", like the host of some reality show, and swerve around them to kill the serial killer huddled three feet behind. You are the Weakest Link, goodbye.
CJ came up with a theory - "What if we're able to change it?" I said, "What, you and me change the hearts of every single person on the planet in the next four years? Yeah right, people are still going to be inhumane and destructive and horrible." But it's a really interesting thought. What if we do have the ability to change it? I also find it really interesting that Obama will be in office in December of 2012 and the months leading up to it. I asked him if people were going to freak out - get bomb shelters, stock up on canned food, try to sell a bunch of bullshit safety stuff.
He said, "You can't let it get to you, you have to just live your life as you have been." But if I knew, for a FACT that the world was ending, I'd live it differently - that's my issue. I'd spend money I didn't have. I'd have sex with a lot of guys. I'd tell people off. I'd do a lot of things that'd have a consequence were I to continue living. I told him I felt like shit because I wasn't doing anything with my life right now anyway. "So let's do something. Let's start those things you want to do. Why aren't you doing them? Write your book, make your movie. Why not?" I don't know. I don't know if I have enough experience and drive and everything yet. I'm like, waiting to start my life and I have no idea why, honestly, so that made me cry even harder.
"Everybody Wants to Rule The World" by Tears for Fears came on his computer and I was listening to it and my god my god. It was perfect. I told him I wish I could have the end of the world on tape because I'd love to make a video of it to that song. He told me I should write my book or make my film and then put it in a rocket and send it to space, with the hope that someone out there would find it, even after we're long gone.
EDIT: Seriously, am I the ONLY person who feels these things? Why are people thinking I'm so idk, ridiculous? insane? greedy? for heaven forbid, wanting to live a little bit longer? I understand that death is a part of life, etc. That doesn't mean I have to be content with dying in my early 20's (this isn't even about 2012, it's about the idea of dying young in general. This is probably where some confusion is coming from. The 2012 thing and the idea of it just triggers it all, any kind of apocalyptic garbage would trigger it all, this is just the one I'm familiar with). So just... do me a favor and if the only thing you can think to do with this entry is tell me to get over it and be okay with the idea of dying early on in life, just skip a step and don't even say anything. Because this is personal to me and it feels really callous to be told that I'm overreacting or that my fears are unfounded. I'm not saying 2012 IS going to happen. I'm thinking in IF's. And it's okay - I like thinking. I like examining these things, I like exercising my imagination, I like stretching that fence, even if it takes me to a place that's ugly. It's like the Wizard of Oz - "No, Aunt Em -- this was a real, truly live place. And I remember that some of it wasn't very nice.... but most of it was beautiful." That's how I feel my thoughts are. All I'm saying is IF it were true, these are the things I'd think about, and the things I'd be upset about. No, I don't like the idea of being content with dying while you're still so young (apocalypse or otherwise). That's not me. It's fine if you're like that, I'm jealous of that ability. But I don't have it. I'm not looking for dispute here, I'm looking to be understood. I'm not even looking to be reassured or patronized on the issue. I don't even know what I'm looking for by posting this. I hope someone else does. In retrospect I probably should have disabled comments, since I want neither a pity party nor intense disagreement, but it's too late for that now, so.
nothing ever lasts forever.
We watched that thing on the History Chanel about the predictions for the apocalypse in 2012.
I ended up bawling. It was horrible, I was having so many cruel thoughts and the prospect of this actually being true came crashing down all over me. "It's okay, I'm here," he said, as I clung to him and clawed at his back, sobbing silently into his neck, feeling my own tears on his face. I'm so safe with him but even he can't prevent a fucking apocalypse. He told me to tell him what I was thinking, and I didn't even want to verbalize it because it was mind-fucking me so badly.
I just said that if that does happen, I'll be what, 23? 24? There's just too much I want to do and there's no way I can have it all done by 24 and that kills me. I told him I want to make a change - I want to write something epic or make a film that changes the way people think about something, I don't know, I just know that I need to do something, because I know I'm the kind of person who can. And it's not even stuff like that, stuff in my own hands - it's other things, like time. I WANT to know what it feels like to be 40. 50. 60. I want to have kids, grandkids. And those things cannot physically happen by 2012. "You can have a kid by then." I know, but I'm not going to bring a child into this world if it's going to end, just to see my two year old daughter die right in front of me. "Wow, that's..." he said. "SEE?! Do you see why I'm like this right now? Do you see the kind of shit that's going through my head?" He said that's where we'd be different - "If I knew the world was ending, I WOULD have a kid, because I'd want that person to come with." I said that was selfish. He said that's not what he meant, he meant that he'd like someone else to be able to come with for the Ascension and experience the next life, and then went on about it. I got so insanely frustrated, I nearly screamed, and I probably would have if we weren't at his house full of other people. "CJ. YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER THAT I DON'T BELIEVE IN ANOTHER LIFE. THIS IS IT FOR ME. THAT IS WHY I AM SO FUCKING UPSET RIGHT NOW." Oh, he forgot about that, he says. How can you forget something we've discussed numerous times. It's like our fucking favorite thing to talk about. He kind of laughed under his breath, I asked him what that meant. He said he wasn't laughing at all, he was just so...overcome and not that he likes seeing me cry, but he said he liked that he was seeing this side of me because it was so real and I'm so deep and it was almost beyond his comprehension.
He told me I already was affecting people. "You're affecting so many fucking people, Alyssa, more people than you even KNOW and that's where you don't give yourself enough credit." He started talking about how a butterfly flapping its wings can affect something on the other side of the world. I lost it because I have several sentimental attachments to butterflies. I went on about how there's so much I still need to do, I need to make and have the time to see that difference. He told me to look at Citizen Kane - it made a profoundly huge impact on cinematography and how we do things today but if you ask younger generations about it, they haven't even seen it or they don't even know what it is. "Yeah, well at least Citizen Kane is in their textbooks." And I started crying even harder. "I just want to be in people's books."
I couldn't even talk or breathe because at this point I was just so... and I was was trying to contain it as much as I could and be as quiet as I could and the thoughts going through my head were just horrendous. "What if it hurts?" I asked after a few moments of quiet. "And god, my biggest fear out of anything, ever..." It took me forever to spit it out. "Like okay, say I'm with you. And you're dying, and you're in SO much pain that you ASK me to kill you. Bash a rock in your face. And I want to, because I care and I don't want you to have to suffer, but imagine being in that moment, I don't know if I could do it and god I am so scared of something like that - having someone's life in my hands like that, you have no idea." And then he told me that if I was dying and in pain and asked him to, he'd put a bullet in my head. It was morbidly romantic, twisted, pure, sick, poetic.
I went on about how well shit, if the world IS ending, why bother? Why NOT just rack up a bunch of debt and travel and do everything and be selfish and pleasure-seek constantly? Why bother even writing anything or making a film if it will only see the light of day for a year? He asked me how long something would have to exist in order to be worth it to me. "Why NOT make something only to have it exist a year? It will still affect people in that year and that's what you want." Yeah, but then they'll die without having enough time to appreciate it and spread it and change things. It just wouldn't feel like enough compared to the time and heart I'd undoubtedly end up putting in. I said that I need to die with people still here, and my things still here - it's a comfort issue. I could care less what happens to them after I'm gone, because I won't know, but I need to leave here with the thought that everything will go on forever.
"I can't even breathe," I whispered. And it wasn't even just panic and fear, it was that I physically couldn't breathe because I'm sick AND I'm crying, and my throat and nose were closing up and I couldn't even get any air.
They were saying on the TV that this was likely to happen because of the way we are, the human race. I believe that the human race as a whole can be horrible - we're assholes, we're selfish, we don't take care of our planet, etc. There are some very, very bad people here. Murderers. Bombers. People who beat their wives. Start things on fire. Abuse animals. Strangle infants. Fire guns. Dismiss people and entire cultures for their beliefs. There's hate. Genocide. War. And this natural disaster or whatever it is that's going to end up wiping us out is our own karmic fault because of those things. And I got extremely frustrated because I'm not one of those people up there. And I don't feel I should have to be punished for things I didn't do. I don't want to DIE because someone else did one of those things. I know I'm not a perfect person. I can be bitchy and vindictive and self-centered but I think at the center, when you peel me open, I'm good and I've got a good heart. And I don't want to die because someone else doesn't. I just would feel so jipped. I came up with a theory that maybe only the assholes will die. Like some pruning of the human race, some Survival Of The Emotionally Fittest. But it's not like that underground volcano that has the potential to erupt and wipe out 5 billion people in one fell swoop's lava is going to get to the good people and say, "You are safe", like the host of some reality show, and swerve around them to kill the serial killer huddled three feet behind. You are the Weakest Link, goodbye.
CJ came up with a theory - "What if we're able to change it?" I said, "What, you and me change the hearts of every single person on the planet in the next four years? Yeah right, people are still going to be inhumane and destructive and horrible." But it's a really interesting thought. What if we do have the ability to change it? I also find it really interesting that Obama will be in office in December of 2012 and the months leading up to it. I asked him if people were going to freak out - get bomb shelters, stock up on canned food, try to sell a bunch of bullshit safety stuff.
He said, "You can't let it get to you, you have to just live your life as you have been." But if I knew, for a FACT that the world was ending, I'd live it differently - that's my issue. I'd spend money I didn't have. I'd have sex with a lot of guys. I'd tell people off. I'd do a lot of things that'd have a consequence were I to continue living. I told him I felt like shit because I wasn't doing anything with my life right now anyway. "So let's do something. Let's start those things you want to do. Why aren't you doing them? Write your book, make your movie. Why not?" I don't know. I don't know if I have enough experience and drive and everything yet. I'm like, waiting to start my life and I have no idea why, honestly, so that made me cry even harder.
"Everybody Wants to Rule The World" by Tears for Fears came on his computer and I was listening to it and my god my god. It was perfect. I told him I wish I could have the end of the world on tape because I'd love to make a video of it to that song. He told me I should write my book or make my film and then put it in a rocket and send it to space, with the hope that someone out there would find it, even after we're long gone.
EDIT: Seriously, am I the ONLY person who feels these things? Why are people thinking I'm so idk, ridiculous? insane? greedy? for heaven forbid, wanting to live a little bit longer? I understand that death is a part of life, etc. That doesn't mean I have to be content with dying in my early 20's (this isn't even about 2012, it's about the idea of dying young in general. This is probably where some confusion is coming from. The 2012 thing and the idea of it just triggers it all, any kind of apocalyptic garbage would trigger it all, this is just the one I'm familiar with). So just... do me a favor and if the only thing you can think to do with this entry is tell me to get over it and be okay with the idea of dying early on in life, just skip a step and don't even say anything. Because this is personal to me and it feels really callous to be told that I'm overreacting or that my fears are unfounded. I'm not saying 2012 IS going to happen. I'm thinking in IF's. And it's okay - I like thinking. I like examining these things, I like exercising my imagination, I like stretching that fence, even if it takes me to a place that's ugly. It's like the Wizard of Oz - "No, Aunt Em -- this was a real, truly live place. And I remember that some of it wasn't very nice.... but most of it was beautiful." That's how I feel my thoughts are. All I'm saying is IF it were true, these are the things I'd think about, and the things I'd be upset about. No, I don't like the idea of being content with dying while you're still so young (apocalypse or otherwise). That's not me. It's fine if you're like that, I'm jealous of that ability. But I don't have it. I'm not looking for dispute here, I'm looking to be understood. I'm not even looking to be reassured or patronized on the issue. I don't even know what I'm looking for by posting this. I hope someone else does. In retrospect I probably should have disabled comments, since I want neither a pity party nor intense disagreement, but it's too late for that now, so.