Fic: Behind Every Dark Cloud, There's a Rainbow (Eventually) Part 4
Jensen got home and made himself comfortable on the couch. He couldn't believe Jared had asked him to read his journal. Jensen didn't think he'd ever be able to let anyone read his journal, not even Jared. He understood the amount of trust that Jared had in him. It was an incredible feeling. No one had ever made him feel this way.
September 6
Spent time with Jensen today. I can't imagine what it's like to only have one friend to count on, especially when that friend is over 500 miles away on a good day. It seems like there's so much more below the surface and I don't know how to get there yet. He said he's been hurt a lot. I got that sense when I saw him sitting there alone in the classroom. I wish I could do something to show him that I really do want to be friends with him and want him to open up to me. That in order to make a friend, you have to risk yourself, but that's not always a bad thing. How do you teach someone who has been hurt how to trust?
I'm going to keep trying, though. I've said it before - I really think he's going to be worth it.
September 10
Write a letter that you know you won't send. Write it to anyone you want.
Jason or Jensen? Both.
Jason,
I'm so happy that you're doing what you love. I miss you, even if we're not together anymore.
I can't wait to see you finally in the major leagues. I can say I knew you when.
Did you really love me, Jason? Or was I something that was just convenient for you? I always wondered, a little bit. It never seemed to be as important to you as it was to me.
Do you think about me now? Or are you lost out in Arizona, finding someone else, maybe someone on the road, maybe someone on your team to be with?
I'll probably always think of you. I don't think you knew that you were my first gay relationship and I don't think you knew how important it was to me. But, we both did what we needed to do, didn't we?
Best of everything to you. You deserve nothing less.
Jared
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Jensen,
I know how hard it must have been for you to open up, even that little bit to me. I am so honored that you were able to share even that little bit.
I find you fascinating and you have no clue, do you? Fascinating enough to sketch you. I didn't set out to sketch you, I was just doodling, but then your face just popped up into my head. Your profile, your eyelashes, your nose, your freckles, your lips…and I just had to see if I could do you justice. We'll find out when I see you next and look at my sketch, but I’m pretty sure that I'll be close.
I really hope you'll give me a chance, because I think this could be a good thing for both of us. I think it could be good for me, as most people I meet are and I think it'll be good for you, help bring you out of your shell a little bit.
I'm hoping that some day I won't have to write you a note that I won't send you. I’m hoping that we can talk and I can tell you what I'm thinking without freaking you out. What do you say?
Jared
September 12
God, I want to know Jensen from the inside out. I want to know everything about him. I want to know what makes him smile, what makes him sad, what makes him angry, what he thinks, just everything. No one's interested me this much in a long time, not since Chad. He blushed when he saw my sketch of him. I want him to open up to me. I know I keep saying that, and I know I keep saying that I know there's more under the surface. I want him to trust me. I want to show him he can trust me. Maybe spending time with him and talking tomorrow will show him. I'm a little surprised he agreed, but damn, did it make me happy.
He said that if he didn't know any better, he'd think I was obsessed with him. I think he might be right.
September 15
I don't know what to do. Jensen hasn't been around for the past couple of days. The last time I saw him, I thought everything was going okay. We had a good afternoon, he said he'd missed me, which was something I never thought I'd hear him say, and we had a couple of good games of pool - I lost, of course. And now, I haven't heard from him since then. This has got me worried.
Of course, I have no idea where he lives, so it's not like I can go over there and check on him. What if he's not at class tonight? God, what if something's happened to him? I'd have no way to find out, no way to know. I've been leaving him messages, asking him to just call me back, let me know he is okay. I'm not even looking to have him talk to me directly.
I haven't been scared like this in a while. I hope he's okay.
September 21
Thank god! Jensen finally called to let me know he's okay. He said that this is a difficult time of year for him, but really didn't go into specifics. He apologized and said again that he missed me. I hope whatever's bothering him has been figured out.
September 24
Jensen finally opened up to me. Wow. He's been through hell and back. How people could treat him like that, betray him like that when he needed them the most? I almost wish I knew who they were so that I could beat the snot out of them for being so…heartless.
Jensen's incredible. He's been through so much. No wonder he's so scared.
He let me hug him today I just had to, after he told me about the person who crushed him so completely. I asked, wanting to make sure it was okay. And I just put my arms around him and held him and rocked him. He wound up crying. I'm so honored. I get the feeling that he doesn't cry around just anyone. He felt so good in my arms, his body right up against mine. He was heat and softness and just…yeah, perfect. He belonged…belongs…in my arms. He deserves so much more than he has gotten, and he's so screwed up that he doesn't think so. I wonder what will help him. I wonder how I can get him to feel better about himself.
If I'm being honest with myself…I think today is the day I started falling for him. And I don't know if there's anyway to get back up. I just want to take all that sadness and hurt away from him. Jensen doesn't deserve that. He deserves someone to love him for the beautiful person he is. I can't ruin this though. I think this could be really amazing if I give it the time and the chance.
September 25
Jen, I want you to read this. I want you to read what I've thought about you all along. I'd like to hope that you might share your journal with me at some point, but right now all's I want you to share is my life.
I love you, Jensen.
"Hey Tracy."
"Jensen, nice to see you. How're you doing?"
"Sorry I missed last session. It wasn't on purpose, I really did have a migraine. I actually wanted to see if you had time for me between then and now, because I should tell you what's going on."
"So, do tell."
"He says he loves me, Trace."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. It's been an intense couple of days. Lots of emotional stuff, but in the end, I was able to tell him. And I told him everything. I told him about my hospitalization, my cutting and my depression, I told him about Kevin and Sam. And he still wants me."
"What brought this about?"
"He kept pushing. A lot like you, really. We sat down last week and kept asking about me. I asked him some questions about him, because I really didn't know much about him, either, and the way he just opened up. He just started answering and talking and it was like he enjoyed talking about himself. And he's got all these good memories, all of his relationships have ended on good notes. It kinda made me jealous."
"Because it wasn't you."
"Yeah." He paused. "But once told me a bit about himself, he started pushing to get stuff out of me. I couldn't do it at first, I just couldn't talk. He upset me so much when he was pushing, to the point where he wouldn't let me leave, because I was in no shape to drive. He was asking me why I disappeared, wanting to know why September was hard for me. Nothing like starting with the easy questions, huh?"
"And yet you went back."
"Yeah. I wrote in my journal, and it was at that point I realized…that I did want him to know. That it was important for me to tell him, to trust him. He'd been so open and trusted me so much. It felt like that trust needed to be returned."
"And you weren't scared?"
"I was scared to freakin' death. I was waiting for him to kick me out. But he didn't. We had some tequila shots, which helped a little with my courage…yeah, yeah, I know I shouldn't have really done that. But I started talking and just continued. The next thing I know, he knows all of the important things."
"Good for you, Jensen. This is the most progress you've made outside of the breakup since you've been in therapy."
"He wanted me to read his journal, see what he thought of me from the beginning. It was…weird. It's weird to see how someone else sees you. And he kept saying he wanted to know all about me and that he thought we could have something really amazing."
"So you read it?"
"Yeah."
"So do you think you'll let him read yours?"
Jensen shook his head. "No. Not anytime soon. It's still too personal."
"Well, there's no need to rush things. At your own pace."
"Yeah. I know that now."
"Congratulations, Jensen. You've done some excellent work."
He stood. "Thanks so much for everything, Trace. I never would have gotten here without you."
She smiled. "I'm glad you've been able to get this far. It's exciting to see you like this."
"I'll catch you next week."
"Take care, Jensen."
At the very bottom of Jared's last entry, Jensen wrote:
Jared -
Thank you.
I love you too.
Interlude (NC-17) / Epilogue