(no subject)

Dec 01, 2003 00:53

i only post when i'm at my dad's i guess.
the computer at "home" is too impersonal for me to get all deep down and dark with...
i have this pain in my back that will not quit.
i think crawling into bed with nina is the only way to fix it.

just for the record. i'm not listening to any music, and i'm not in any describable mood. unless cold really is a mood, which it isn't, but it's on the moods list.

i had to come home to beg for money.
and to clean my room better. my dad said that the way that i treat my personal belongings (basically, shitty) won't be held against me, (by him) but will be a big x that he won't forget. i'm not really sure how to take that. my car is filthy with no plates in the driveway. i'd love to get $100 for it, or to put it in the garage because god knows i'm not going to be able to *buy* a car of my own any time soon... but i think i should call and donate it so my dad doesn't have to look at it and hate me anymore. all of my "things" that were left in my room have been swept into the center of the floor in a huge dusty mass. i'm looking quite foward to throwing it ALL away, with as little sentimental feelings as possible tomorrow.

i wish i had my head on straight.

my dad says we're writing up a contract keeping track of all of the money that he gives me at this stage of my life. the main idea is that it's going to come back to him at some undetermined time. i want to get a fake credit card to abuse. i want to win the lottery. i want to live in the woods and grow my hair really long and never once pay my taxes.

i don't know what i'm doing.

i think that i think way too much about my mom and dad sometimes. i think that it can be explained by the fact that i don't have a very traditional child/parent relationship with either of them, and the fact that i'm going through the first year of so-called (but obviously not financial) independence. does anyone else go through this? it's driving me nuts. like most other things in the world. like myself. like life itself.

nina slept over at my house the weekend after thanksgiving. i thought it was quite adorable that my dad had a "date" over and he wanted the house to himself. we had quite a splendid time walking around the lower east side, (why don't i ever make it higher than like, 16th street? it's like there's a field that keeps me back or something...) playing with my kitten and eating a lot of hot dogs. on the way home to rockland on the bus, she by chance met up with one of her friends from school. he was really nice and lives right down the block from us, they're on the same school bus stop and while i closed my eyes and prayed for the ride to last forever they chatted and giggled and gossiped and such... it almost made me jealous that she and i don't have conversations quite like that. i'm not in her life on such a constant basis; so i couldn't hold up in a north rockland high school conversation. i'm glad she wasn't bored... but i know i'll never have that sort of connection with her again.

i'm so fucking full of mood swings lately. it's hormonal. it's mental. it's unnecessary and it's seriously ruining moments of my life that i'd like to enjoy instead of freaking out about. ((i don't know why typing it out makes it any better... but i feel like if i admit it, maybe i'll realize it more and have more of a hold on it.)) too much inside my head, and not enough going on in my life.

i need a job.
if you think you could help me out with this in any way shape or form, please speak up... because it's really not even one bit funny how far behind i'm getting.
i'll do anything.
i sent out some resumes tonight.
but it doesn't seem to do much.
i realize i'm not a very competative person.
and the city isn't the place to rest my head unless i'm ready to scream it off about how i'm the grandest. my dad gave me a big talk tonight about knocking on everyone's doors. making sure they couldn't forget me. it's so hard to do that when all i've been feeling is down and hopeless.
a job of course, would probably help the hopeless feelings.

catch. twenty. two.

so now it's past one. i don't really have a reason to be awake; but i've come to realize that i'm just not good at putting myself to bed. when i was younger (like, 4th grade or so) i used to read so much. i used to get in trouble for reading by the outside street lamp through my window after i was supposed to be in bed at night. i actually remember being punished for reading late by having all of my "fun-books" taken away. now i just pace and drink too much tea and wish that i had something to look foward to the next morning so maybe i'd like to fall asleep.

i feel so uncomfortable sleeping without billy.
we don't just love eachother; we live eachother.
our limbs wrap around eachother and we breath together.

i just want a little house with a fireplace in it.
my cat could curl up by the fire.
i could be a school teacher.
(if i would just go to college for a while...)
i could make it.

i'm going back to manhatten either tomorrow evening, or tuesday morning... and then i have some important business to take care of with my mother. (a constant disappointment lately.) i just have to remember that i'm not her already, so it's not just doomed that i'm going to turn into her. it's so hard to feel so unstable, and then look at her and realize that she's almost worse off. 30 years older than me and hardly a step further along. sure. she's got wisdom. but she's got no stability. i just hope that we get our goal accomplished. it will be a huge burden lifted off of my chest.

tomorrow i'm going to wake up and eat croissants and clean my room. if anyone would like to give me a whistle they know how...

xo.
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