Hold up.
After reading the entry I wrote last night even I am in awe of how depressing and shocking it sounds.
This isn't me. It can't be.
I am self-confident. I am friendly, I'm sincere, I'm intelligent. I'm pretty despite whatever baby-fat/actual flab I carry. I have talent. It's not just potential; it's something ingrained within me that even if I wanted to I could not escape. I have passion, for something, somewhere out there in the world. I have goals-- long term and short term. It is possible for me to adapt to change and learn to perservere. I'm a survivor. There is none of this falling into a bottomless pit scenario.
I understand that I'm not Super Woman. I'm human after all. I am entitled to be sad, but this is just plain ridiculous.
PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.
It's true that I am scared of losing those friends which I hold dear. My biggest fear must be loss. I can't say where it sprung from; maybe it's because of all those damn people dying when I was a kid, knowing I'd never see them in the living flesh again. Maybe it's just adolescent fears or rejection gone aray. I don't know. What I do know is that if I lose those bonds because of my own inadequate fear than it's my loss, my fault.
I'm sorry if I haven't seemed or even been a good friend lately. Lord knows I haven't felt like one. And I'm sorry. Maybe it's even an apology to myself; allowing myself to forgive myself.
I don't know what my deal has been over the last couple of months. It is as if I went into shock. Maybe I'm still in some sort of shock. To me, dad's, even though I've been here since August, it just doesn't feel like home. It just seems like an extensive and unnecessary visit. So, it's made me feel that I have no 'true' home since ma's isn't quite home any more either.
Anyone who knows me, really knows me, knows that I hate, loathe, and can not stand change. Well, everything did a complete 360 on me in a span of like two weeks and I think it just really freaked me out. All my friends left to find themselves. I switched homes, parents, schools.... Still confused on what I want to do.
I forget where and I forget who said this to me, but someone was quoting on how people can be afraid of sucess. When I heard that I scoffed. I mean, how can someone be afraid of sucess??? I think I get where they were coming from now though. I think I get it.
And you know what? Whatever happens, happens. There will be laughter and smiles just as much as there will pain and sorrow. I just have to come to terms with that I guess.
I guess... I guess I just continue to hope, continue to trudge. I know it's time to cut this whiny-emo bull shit though. I'm getting rather sick of the phase and I'm just praying its early PMS (which it probably is).
-April
This isn't me. It can't be.
I am self-confident. I am friendly, I'm sincere, I'm intelligent. I'm pretty despite whatever baby-fat/actual flab I carry. I have talent. It's not just potential; it's something ingrained within me that even if I wanted to I could not escape. I have passion, for something, somewhere out there in the world. I have goals-- long term and short term. It is possible for me to adapt to change and learn to perservere. I'm a survivor. There is none of this falling into a bottomless pit scenario.
I understand that I'm not Super Woman. I'm human after all. I am entitled to be sad, but this is just plain ridiculous.
PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.
It's true that I am scared of losing those friends which I hold dear. My biggest fear must be loss. I can't say where it sprung from; maybe it's because of all those damn people dying when I was a kid, knowing I'd never see them in the living flesh again. Maybe it's just adolescent fears or rejection gone aray. I don't know. What I do know is that if I lose those bonds because of my own inadequate fear than it's my loss, my fault.
I'm sorry if I haven't seemed or even been a good friend lately. Lord knows I haven't felt like one. And I'm sorry. Maybe it's even an apology to myself; allowing myself to forgive myself.
I don't know what my deal has been over the last couple of months. It is as if I went into shock. Maybe I'm still in some sort of shock. To me, dad's, even though I've been here since August, it just doesn't feel like home. It just seems like an extensive and unnecessary visit. So, it's made me feel that I have no 'true' home since ma's isn't quite home any more either.
Anyone who knows me, really knows me, knows that I hate, loathe, and can not stand change. Well, everything did a complete 360 on me in a span of like two weeks and I think it just really freaked me out. All my friends left to find themselves. I switched homes, parents, schools.... Still confused on what I want to do.
I forget where and I forget who said this to me, but someone was quoting on how people can be afraid of sucess. When I heard that I scoffed. I mean, how can someone be afraid of sucess??? I think I get where they were coming from now though. I think I get it.
And you know what? Whatever happens, happens. There will be laughter and smiles just as much as there will pain and sorrow. I just have to come to terms with that I guess.
I guess... I guess I just continue to hope, continue to trudge. I know it's time to cut this whiny-emo bull shit though. I'm getting rather sick of the phase and I'm just praying its early PMS (which it probably is).
-April