guys and stuff...

Dec 14, 2003 12:00

yea emily is right. i do like this one guy and yes it is tearing me up inside. i dunno what to do cause i just dunno. forget it i thought i had giving up on guys but then no he comes along and poof its happened again. and yes i am worried about my brother. too much if you ask me. some of the things he is doing right now are so dumb! i wish i could talk to him and tell him i want him to stop with the pills and to tell him that i worry about him more than anything. this sucks because he is the one person i can trust with ANYTHING i can tell him everything and now im so worried about him and i cant say anything because i know he is having fun but i worry that he is killing himself while doing it. so now the one person i can talk to and tell everything to is making me worry the most. i hate caring about people. it makes life so much harder. i want to take away the tylonal and the diet pills and all the sutff he is taking and i want to hide it in a hole some place far away where noone will ever find them. but i cant, i wont. i love him to much for him to feel that hate he feels for my parents. i love him to much to control his life and i love him too much to have him even want to hurt me. i hate this feeling. and im being a hypocrite by wanting to take away his pills and his blades. because i got them taken away from me and i know how it feels. i just wish he would listen. but i wont control him i let him learn on his own. i guess im just mad that he is the only one who i have ever trusted and now he is killing himself. but i guess that is his descion.

anyways on to other stuff. i like this guy and since michael i havent liked guys. i havent felt "that way" about anyone and im not sure if i even feel "that way" about this guy but i enjoy talking to him and i enjoy being around him. and ahhhh maybe i just like him as a friend but if its only as a friend then why sm i so torn over this. i hate the feeling once again. i hate love. and im not in love with him. its to hard for me to love again, after all every time i love i get hurt. but i gotta go emily is leaving soon and i should get offline or something
rachel
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