(no subject)
EDIT: Wine induced entries always amuse me, because I can remember at the time I was writing them how intent I was about making whatever random point I was over-thinking, but then I go back to them and can hardly even decipher what the hell I'm talking about, or why! This is one of those times.
In my life there are certain memories that hang on to the corners of my thought. They are memories (or states of being, rather) I can travel to and find completely unhindered, as though I never left them, and that undeniably encompass everything that makes up my realm of emotional consciousness. They are moments of am, not was, and continue as such eternally. I can't really explain it any better than that, but I will try.
-The drive back from Padre with Grace. The sun was just coming up and I was caught in that insomniac coma that leaves you totally awake and totally asleep at the same time. In this moment I was so oddly and completely content it's hard to even express. It was as though everything had been captured within the walls surrounding us, and nothing would ever come in or out. Locked in time, almost. I have never felt so at peace, and I have never felt so safe.
-The day I received the results of my blood tests. So utterly alone sitting in that office, everything within me went cold, like when you're a kid and you've just been caught doing something you weren't supposed to, only multiplied by a thousand, with that hundred pound boulder stewing at the pit of your stomach. That moment carried over for days, and I didn't really eat, speak or sleep until it had somewhat subsided.
-The day at Mt.Bonnell with a boy whom to this day has captured a piece of my heart. We had just met, and hiked up that mountain for a reason I don't remember other than just because we could. We talked all night until the sun came up. He cried in my arms that night. I have never felt so connected with a stranger, and yet somehow it was so, so comfortable I didn't even think to question it. To this day, I don't think to question it.
-The night I was watching Juliette while her parents were out of town, and she woke up crying around 3am. When I woke, it did not matter how tired I was, and I was not even slightly bothered by it. All that mattered was that she felt safe. I remember I picked her up and held her, and she immediately stopped crying. In that moment, I understood what it was to love something with no justification, other than just for, if nothing else, the mere sake of loving it.
What's funny is that if I were asked to pick, off the top of my head, some of my most significant memories, I would probably choose none of these. But you have to understand, I have trouble, in my life, staying in the present moment. I generally lived wrapped up in the twisted re-workings of my past, or lost in the intricate paving of my all too distant future. Yet, in these memories, I was neither of these things. I was truly and completely immersed in these moments for what they were. Second to second, they simply existed, and I lived right alongside that existence, without any question or pause. I experienced them in totality, and had never experienced them before or since, not by choice, but simply by happenstance. This is what I find so remarkable, and why, I believe, these memories lay etched on curious corners of my mind indefinitely, and continue to pop up in my day to day life as though they belonged there. I could never explain it if I tried, as the experiences in themselves do not lend to that sort of dissection, and though I could slice them a thousand different ways they would never yield those answers. They have been warped by countless layers of change, but still I can find them, pure, and unaltered by the hands of time. And though ideally I wish I could live every moment this way, I don't believe I have enough emotion within me to generate this (nor the capacity to handle it if I did). But regardless, in my mind these memories make up what life should be made of. Not the memories themselves, per se, but the act of their creation, and that which was evoked from them. Perhaps this is because each memory itself encompasses more emotion that I feel capable of feeling at any given time, in so many different directions, and therefore put together form a semblance of totality. I really couldn't tell you. But this is on my mind right now.
In my life there are certain memories that hang on to the corners of my thought. They are memories (or states of being, rather) I can travel to and find completely unhindered, as though I never left them, and that undeniably encompass everything that makes up my realm of emotional consciousness. They are moments of am, not was, and continue as such eternally. I can't really explain it any better than that, but I will try.
-The drive back from Padre with Grace. The sun was just coming up and I was caught in that insomniac coma that leaves you totally awake and totally asleep at the same time. In this moment I was so oddly and completely content it's hard to even express. It was as though everything had been captured within the walls surrounding us, and nothing would ever come in or out. Locked in time, almost. I have never felt so at peace, and I have never felt so safe.
-The day I received the results of my blood tests. So utterly alone sitting in that office, everything within me went cold, like when you're a kid and you've just been caught doing something you weren't supposed to, only multiplied by a thousand, with that hundred pound boulder stewing at the pit of your stomach. That moment carried over for days, and I didn't really eat, speak or sleep until it had somewhat subsided.
-The day at Mt.Bonnell with a boy whom to this day has captured a piece of my heart. We had just met, and hiked up that mountain for a reason I don't remember other than just because we could. We talked all night until the sun came up. He cried in my arms that night. I have never felt so connected with a stranger, and yet somehow it was so, so comfortable I didn't even think to question it. To this day, I don't think to question it.
-The night I was watching Juliette while her parents were out of town, and she woke up crying around 3am. When I woke, it did not matter how tired I was, and I was not even slightly bothered by it. All that mattered was that she felt safe. I remember I picked her up and held her, and she immediately stopped crying. In that moment, I understood what it was to love something with no justification, other than just for, if nothing else, the mere sake of loving it.
What's funny is that if I were asked to pick, off the top of my head, some of my most significant memories, I would probably choose none of these. But you have to understand, I have trouble, in my life, staying in the present moment. I generally lived wrapped up in the twisted re-workings of my past, or lost in the intricate paving of my all too distant future. Yet, in these memories, I was neither of these things. I was truly and completely immersed in these moments for what they were. Second to second, they simply existed, and I lived right alongside that existence, without any question or pause. I experienced them in totality, and had never experienced them before or since, not by choice, but simply by happenstance. This is what I find so remarkable, and why, I believe, these memories lay etched on curious corners of my mind indefinitely, and continue to pop up in my day to day life as though they belonged there. I could never explain it if I tried, as the experiences in themselves do not lend to that sort of dissection, and though I could slice them a thousand different ways they would never yield those answers. They have been warped by countless layers of change, but still I can find them, pure, and unaltered by the hands of time. And though ideally I wish I could live every moment this way, I don't believe I have enough emotion within me to generate this (nor the capacity to handle it if I did). But regardless, in my mind these memories make up what life should be made of. Not the memories themselves, per se, but the act of their creation, and that which was evoked from them. Perhaps this is because each memory itself encompasses more emotion that I feel capable of feeling at any given time, in so many different directions, and therefore put together form a semblance of totality. I really couldn't tell you. But this is on my mind right now.