(no subject)
i was thinking oh im sad feeling like being home tonight, feeling jealouse of super carelessness. driving drive home, i kept feel nervouse, driving there, sad again, but not sad really, uncontent feeling. sleeping in beds together, how long untill sex is..i cant think of the word. hardly there, im sort of enviouse of writers, very uh, you know, thats the definition of litierary and articulate? i dont know. i mean, but thats not my point. i was driving home thinking i wanted to be out, i dialed a number and i remembered, this is how its always been. when i was younger my restrictions then are the same now. and i got used to it then, seeing the appeal of staying home.i forget i love it.i ment to paint tonight, but being in this state and the things ive thought about where worth it, im not tired. its hot down here.having adri makes me not so ocused on myself, i dont know if thats noticable, it souds stupid all of this,i know.im not good at clever honesty, and my paper journal ive been writing in only once a month. hes eight months old tomorrow. being a young mother is enjoyable, think of how id be without him in my life yet isnt at all dissapointong comparing to now, the only difference would be, id party alot and have a job.thenafter a few years of that, trying to find a grown up balance in my life, that seems horrible. this is balanced, i dont feel the normal jealousey thinking of how andrews night is so much more eventful than mine, being here with adri. im feeling content. i feel good, not trying to make myself feel better, tricking ymself into contentment, its realy right now, it feels really good. i was day dreaming last night about next christmas, adri will be 14 months old walking and saying littlw words like mom and dad and giving us kisses and looking forward to it.i was thinking of how i was looking forward to when adri could crawl and how i wanted to notice it so much now that hes doing it. its so fucking cute. we're the perfect pair, his cloths today, mm.its nerdy sounding, i imagine his slow drawn out sounding "oh-my-god" reaction, head and eyes tilted back. i used to anticipate it and be sort of embarressed. its just sort of amusing now.i dont know, im sort of sleepy and so happy i got to talk to sara tonight.i cant wait to go swimming on mandy and start painting on my new big canvas, ive had it for a week. its still wrapped, im not intimidated by it, but im somthing like worried about fucking it up.im not going to re read it, which is a habbit i usually erase everything so stupid sounding.im hoping for some lots of inspiration, i have it o forgot, god damn. i havent done art in so long, since before andrew gave me the anatomy for the artist book, aw that was so nice.i love you, lets blah blah blah.