In which I have growing pains
Louis CK was at the Fox Theater last Friday night. I was there to witness his stand up special.
I felt this should be documented because it was incredible, and I love his brain oh-so-much.
I will never forget that night, unless I get Alzheimer's, in which case I will not remember that I forgot it, or I will re-live it over and and over again like it is happening in the present.
I am okay with that. :)
====
I went to visit my family back at my childhood home a few weeks ago. Heading back to Texas has always been... complicated, but I have realized that after spending four and a half days there as a 27-year old adult, it is even more complicated. I also concluded through this realization that I made the right decision leaving there and moving to Atlanta. It was nice to see family (especially my grandmother since she's getting older), but that environment is emotionally poisonous (still, I guess.)
Lots of drama, lots of financial strain and tension between the people there. It is not good for my Chi.
I am not joking. The negative energy weighed down on me heavily. Everyone is alive and getting on, but I need more than that to live a happy and fulfilled life. And I think at times, some family members forget that you need more than just a roof over your head and a little money coming in to make a good life happen.
There were bright spots though. My brother is always the best, and my sister is doing well in college (she's even got a pretty serious boyfriend). I do love them. The older I get, the more I realize how it must have been an unseen blessing that kept us strong enough to not fall down the pit that some of the family is in. We must have subconsciously latched on to each other, kept each other afloat, and pushed each other up when needed. Pure survival skills.
=====
Speaking of the subconscious, I had a dream the other night that I was getting married off to an old elementary and high school friend of mine - a guy that I basically grew up with. Again, I did not choose to marry him. Apparently, he came out of nowhere, spoke to my grandmother outside, told her I was the one for him (or something); then, twelve hours later, my whole family is at my grandmother's house putting together a wedding that is supposed to take place that night.
I kept asking my mother and my grandmother if this was the right thing to do (it HAD to be a dream because I would never do that). They kept saying, "Well, he obviously cares about you a lot. He came up the driveway after all this time, and I mean for goodness' sake, he was the only one who could find your camera!" (I had lost my digital camera somehow during the whirlwind, and no one saw it, but somehow he found it .... under a lump of uncooked ground beef. Don't ask; I have no idea either.)
Anyhoo, it was weird and uncomfortable, and I was never able to actually talk to the guy myself because everyone else kept us at opposite ends of the room, if not opposite ends of the house itself.
It was like worst case scenario nightmare because I do not want my family to be in charge of anything that important regarding me EVER.
EVER.
====
I apologize. I truly did not mean for my first post back to come off as whiny.
You know, when it all comes down to it, I love my family; and with that love, I can clearly see what is best for us to keep that love solid. It is to be not there with them.
To create a life that I cherish, help them out when I can, make a future that is not filled with regret, and one that is worth living life to its fullest.
It is an inverted life lesson, I suppose. I needed grow away from them to see how far I have come.
Remember to love.
I felt this should be documented because it was incredible, and I love his brain oh-so-much.
I will never forget that night, unless I get Alzheimer's, in which case I will not remember that I forgot it, or I will re-live it over and and over again like it is happening in the present.
I am okay with that. :)
====
I went to visit my family back at my childhood home a few weeks ago. Heading back to Texas has always been... complicated, but I have realized that after spending four and a half days there as a 27-year old adult, it is even more complicated. I also concluded through this realization that I made the right decision leaving there and moving to Atlanta. It was nice to see family (especially my grandmother since she's getting older), but that environment is emotionally poisonous (still, I guess.)
Lots of drama, lots of financial strain and tension between the people there. It is not good for my Chi.
I am not joking. The negative energy weighed down on me heavily. Everyone is alive and getting on, but I need more than that to live a happy and fulfilled life. And I think at times, some family members forget that you need more than just a roof over your head and a little money coming in to make a good life happen.
There were bright spots though. My brother is always the best, and my sister is doing well in college (she's even got a pretty serious boyfriend). I do love them. The older I get, the more I realize how it must have been an unseen blessing that kept us strong enough to not fall down the pit that some of the family is in. We must have subconsciously latched on to each other, kept each other afloat, and pushed each other up when needed. Pure survival skills.
=====
Speaking of the subconscious, I had a dream the other night that I was getting married off to an old elementary and high school friend of mine - a guy that I basically grew up with. Again, I did not choose to marry him. Apparently, he came out of nowhere, spoke to my grandmother outside, told her I was the one for him (or something); then, twelve hours later, my whole family is at my grandmother's house putting together a wedding that is supposed to take place that night.
I kept asking my mother and my grandmother if this was the right thing to do (it HAD to be a dream because I would never do that). They kept saying, "Well, he obviously cares about you a lot. He came up the driveway after all this time, and I mean for goodness' sake, he was the only one who could find your camera!" (I had lost my digital camera somehow during the whirlwind, and no one saw it, but somehow he found it .... under a lump of uncooked ground beef. Don't ask; I have no idea either.)
Anyhoo, it was weird and uncomfortable, and I was never able to actually talk to the guy myself because everyone else kept us at opposite ends of the room, if not opposite ends of the house itself.
It was like worst case scenario nightmare because I do not want my family to be in charge of anything that important regarding me EVER.
EVER.
====
I apologize. I truly did not mean for my first post back to come off as whiny.
You know, when it all comes down to it, I love my family; and with that love, I can clearly see what is best for us to keep that love solid. It is to be not there with them.
To create a life that I cherish, help them out when I can, make a future that is not filled with regret, and one that is worth living life to its fullest.
It is an inverted life lesson, I suppose. I needed grow away from them to see how far I have come.
Remember to love.