the decision
The situation is even more complicated now. I had a great 19th, thankyou very much. I can at least say I had a happy few days leading up to it. On Friday I was sure Daniel had lied about wanting to renew our friendship.. I mean he hadn't contacted me all week. I was pissed off.. I hate it when people say things they don't mean. I was going to a work Christmas party on Saturday the 23rd, and he messaged me in the evening asking if I wanted to go clubbing. I told him I was going out to dinner and had work at 8am the next day. But around 10pm I felt like going so I asked Daniel to pick me up. I had drunk four glasses of chardonnay so I guess I was tipsy. I kissed him and he kissed back. So there you have it. Three days later, on my birthday, I was lying on my bed watching Lord of the Rings with the guy I love, and he had a girlfriend. I was wearing the gold bracelet he'd bought me last Christmas, with a heart charm on it he'd bought for my birthday. He was holding me, saying how much he cared about me, and how he wanted to move in with me next year. We were talking about whether we'd buy a Nintendo Gamecube or Playstation 2 for eachother for Christmas. He'd just told me he was planning on breaking up with his girlfriend because he didn't want to hurt me anymore. Even though we both weren't ready for the relationship we were capable of, I was more important than his girlfriend and he wanted to sort things out with me instead of being with her.
*sigh* In a matter of three days this boy manages to convince me that he actually loves me, when on Friday I wouldn't believe a word that came out of his mouth. Why is he so persuasive? Because he's telling the truth, and he's acting from his heart. Why does he continue to fuck me around? Because he has a problem with compulsive thinking, all from his head. Daniel is still hurting me, even after telling me all that stuff.. because he's with someone else. Every time I think of her, how kisses her, cares about her and sleeps with her, I feel like crap. I told him, "You can't love two people Daniel.." but what I need to do is tell him to make a choice. He is obviously confused.. because on Wednesday night, after we had an argument about her, he said:
"I can't believe this shit. After all I've done to show you how much I care about you, I even went against my own beliefs and cheated.. and for WHAT??"
We had an argument, because, which I told him, how the hell can I NOT be insecure when I'm the third-wheel? And his response was to tell me he'd decided to stay with Sheena, and that he'd push any affection I gave him away because he just wanted to be friends.. I burst out crying when he said it too. How can he do this after everything he'd told me the last few days? Which included the words "I love you" about four times, without me even saying it to him. You love me yet you are chosing your girlfriend of three weeks over me. Mmmm.. I haven't seen Daniel since then, but we are meeting tomorrow. To sort it all out. To sort out the argument on Wednesday, the last time we spoke, which ended with me hanging up on him. I have been racking my brain since then. I've come up with the conclusion that Daniel WILL have to pick. I can't even be just friends with him while he's with someone else.. let alone be close friends and show amazing affection towards eachother. It's too painful, it's virtually like torture. And I can't imagine how he'd expect me to do it.
So I'm worried, and confused. My mind keeps changing, having faith in what Daniel has told me, and then remembering his betrayal in the past and not believing any of it. But I've given Daniel this many chances up until now. So I guess tomorrow I'll find out how he really feels. He could tell me that he wants to break up with Sheena, because I mean a lot more to him. I'm worth working things out with, that he knows he'd be completely happy with me and that he loves me. And he has TOLD me all this stuff in the last week too.. it's just a matter whether he'll say it tomorrow. He could tell me it's too difficult, that he'd rather stay with Sheena right now. That he's not ready to be with me. To which I'd tell him that our ties with eachother would be over. It's always like this with Daniel.. he has this split personality when it comes to everything. Thinking with his head, and with his heart I'm guessing. Which will he think with tomorrow? Right now I don't know. What I do know is that if he choses Sheena, not me, and I do have to tell him our friendship is completely over because of that, I will be pretty emotional and I'm betting I'll embarrisingly break down in front of him.. completely, like a fucking baby. I don't just love him, I love him with all my heart, my everything. Do you have any idea how painful it is seeing the one with love like that, with someone else? I don't.. and I don't WANT to find out.
This song.. Daniel and my song. I just hope I can still listen to it in the future.
PS. Laundro is screwed at the moment and I can't check my PMs. Hmph.
*sigh* In a matter of three days this boy manages to convince me that he actually loves me, when on Friday I wouldn't believe a word that came out of his mouth. Why is he so persuasive? Because he's telling the truth, and he's acting from his heart. Why does he continue to fuck me around? Because he has a problem with compulsive thinking, all from his head. Daniel is still hurting me, even after telling me all that stuff.. because he's with someone else. Every time I think of her, how kisses her, cares about her and sleeps with her, I feel like crap. I told him, "You can't love two people Daniel.." but what I need to do is tell him to make a choice. He is obviously confused.. because on Wednesday night, after we had an argument about her, he said:
"I can't believe this shit. After all I've done to show you how much I care about you, I even went against my own beliefs and cheated.. and for WHAT??"
We had an argument, because, which I told him, how the hell can I NOT be insecure when I'm the third-wheel? And his response was to tell me he'd decided to stay with Sheena, and that he'd push any affection I gave him away because he just wanted to be friends.. I burst out crying when he said it too. How can he do this after everything he'd told me the last few days? Which included the words "I love you" about four times, without me even saying it to him. You love me yet you are chosing your girlfriend of three weeks over me. Mmmm.. I haven't seen Daniel since then, but we are meeting tomorrow. To sort it all out. To sort out the argument on Wednesday, the last time we spoke, which ended with me hanging up on him. I have been racking my brain since then. I've come up with the conclusion that Daniel WILL have to pick. I can't even be just friends with him while he's with someone else.. let alone be close friends and show amazing affection towards eachother. It's too painful, it's virtually like torture. And I can't imagine how he'd expect me to do it.
So I'm worried, and confused. My mind keeps changing, having faith in what Daniel has told me, and then remembering his betrayal in the past and not believing any of it. But I've given Daniel this many chances up until now. So I guess tomorrow I'll find out how he really feels. He could tell me that he wants to break up with Sheena, because I mean a lot more to him. I'm worth working things out with, that he knows he'd be completely happy with me and that he loves me. And he has TOLD me all this stuff in the last week too.. it's just a matter whether he'll say it tomorrow. He could tell me it's too difficult, that he'd rather stay with Sheena right now. That he's not ready to be with me. To which I'd tell him that our ties with eachother would be over. It's always like this with Daniel.. he has this split personality when it comes to everything. Thinking with his head, and with his heart I'm guessing. Which will he think with tomorrow? Right now I don't know. What I do know is that if he choses Sheena, not me, and I do have to tell him our friendship is completely over because of that, I will be pretty emotional and I'm betting I'll embarrisingly break down in front of him.. completely, like a fucking baby. I don't just love him, I love him with all my heart, my everything. Do you have any idea how painful it is seeing the one with love like that, with someone else? I don't.. and I don't WANT to find out.
This song.. Daniel and my song. I just hope I can still listen to it in the future.
PS. Laundro is screwed at the moment and I can't check my PMs. Hmph.