(no subject)
Ever have one of those strange epiphonies that suddenly puts large swaths of your life into focus? The kind that makes you so uncomfortable with yourself that you wish you could crawl out of your own skin? I had one of those about a week ago and I wish it had stayed just beyond my peripheral vision. An ache that you can ignore because you can't touch it reall. And yet... this is me I'm talking about. I go mining for these things. I can't let myself be satisfied with life for too long before I have to dredge something up that puts my entire self image into disarray. I suppose that's a gift and a curse because it hurts. It fucking hurts but it keeps me off balance, on my toes enough to realize that I don't exist. Heh. I don't. At least the me that I think is me is nothing but a conception; a story created to explain this whole mess I've called my life. I continue the story, I follow the rules that I set for myself but the truth is I could be anyone or anything I want within reason. I could be nearly opposite to how I am today if only I didn't BELIEVE so strongly in this me. Old habits are hard to break.
Ahhh but that's all philosophical. I can choose what I will become. That's the important thing. I just have to have faith. What was the realization? Hmm. Good question. I never chose to be male. That's it. I never chose this and I've always hated myself on some primordial, basic level because of it. There's more to it than that. Backgroundbackgroundseriousserious... I suppose it goes back to my father. Cruelcruel man that he could be. A lot like the vindictive God of the old testament, he seemed to me at the time. How do you placate an angry god who looks for things to incur his wrath? You don't. The more you try the worse it gets. Abusiveabusiveabusiveverballymentallyemotionally. Soso that's the image I inherited of "what it means to be male". Cruelty violence condescension impatience inconsistency(sometimes he would throw a scrap or two of kindness then use it against me later on. Almost as if he were baiting me - Sometimes I still have a difficult time accepting kindness from others'). I hated him. My father. I was threatened afraid of maleness. I had no other point of reference so I hated myself because I thought that's what I had to become. I suppose that's what it was. Nearly as early as I can remember I wished as hard as I could that I were something other than male. I suppose that meant female to me at the time even though I had no conception of what that meant or how I would pee without my little package. All I knew was this: father - angry spiteful hurtful and on and on... mother - kind, patient, loving... Mom was far from perfect but I knew which one I wanted to be like. I was also deathly afraid that someone would discover my secret, that there was something incredibly wrong with me for feeling that way. Shame. Deep shame.
So that's been a theme all through my life. Threatened by males, Feeling kinship with females trying to act like other boys/men because I was ashamed of my dark secret. At some point I guess I forgotor pushed it to the recesses of my mind but it's always been there. It still is. I've always felt out of place somehow never at home anywhere or with anyone because I'm always on guard in groups of men - I hate normal guy talk and I can't open myself to other men because... Well... I'm threatened. Emotionally. I can defend myself physically but what good does that do your heart is so vulnerable? Not much, if you ask me. I don't think I'd put myself in a situation where I'd have to defend myself, you know? Women... I feel more at home with them. They make more sense to me. Yet I never feel as if I can be completely accepted there either because I'm male and all the shit that goes with it. Damn my maleness anyway. Eh. So there it is. I don't know what it means for me but there it is. I thought perhaps it meant I was gay/bisexual or maybe needed a sex change because I was born with the wrong equipment but... At this point it doesn't feel as if that's the case. Well... Maybe somewhat bisexual. *Siiigh*
Ahhh but that's all philosophical. I can choose what I will become. That's the important thing. I just have to have faith. What was the realization? Hmm. Good question. I never chose to be male. That's it. I never chose this and I've always hated myself on some primordial, basic level because of it. There's more to it than that. Backgroundbackgroundseriousserious... I suppose it goes back to my father. Cruelcruel man that he could be. A lot like the vindictive God of the old testament, he seemed to me at the time. How do you placate an angry god who looks for things to incur his wrath? You don't. The more you try the worse it gets. Abusiveabusiveabusiveverballymentallyemotionally. Soso that's the image I inherited of "what it means to be male". Cruelty violence condescension impatience inconsistency(sometimes he would throw a scrap or two of kindness then use it against me later on. Almost as if he were baiting me - Sometimes I still have a difficult time accepting kindness from others'). I hated him. My father. I was threatened afraid of maleness. I had no other point of reference so I hated myself because I thought that's what I had to become. I suppose that's what it was. Nearly as early as I can remember I wished as hard as I could that I were something other than male. I suppose that meant female to me at the time even though I had no conception of what that meant or how I would pee without my little package. All I knew was this: father - angry spiteful hurtful and on and on... mother - kind, patient, loving... Mom was far from perfect but I knew which one I wanted to be like. I was also deathly afraid that someone would discover my secret, that there was something incredibly wrong with me for feeling that way. Shame. Deep shame.
So that's been a theme all through my life. Threatened by males, Feeling kinship with females trying to act like other boys/men because I was ashamed of my dark secret. At some point I guess I forgotor pushed it to the recesses of my mind but it's always been there. It still is. I've always felt out of place somehow never at home anywhere or with anyone because I'm always on guard in groups of men - I hate normal guy talk and I can't open myself to other men because... Well... I'm threatened. Emotionally. I can defend myself physically but what good does that do your heart is so vulnerable? Not much, if you ask me. I don't think I'd put myself in a situation where I'd have to defend myself, you know? Women... I feel more at home with them. They make more sense to me. Yet I never feel as if I can be completely accepted there either because I'm male and all the shit that goes with it. Damn my maleness anyway. Eh. So there it is. I don't know what it means for me but there it is. I thought perhaps it meant I was gay/bisexual or maybe needed a sex change because I was born with the wrong equipment but... At this point it doesn't feel as if that's the case. Well... Maybe somewhat bisexual. *Siiigh*