old and other crap

[lint_chan]

i've been avoiding the internet lately, let my email pile up, my dev art page is hell and i just dont care. i havent looked at this thing in ages..meh. So dad has been in and out of the hospital and thats been strssful. He had surgery on friday and he just isnt feeling better, he's feeling worse. I spent 4 hours at the hospital this afternoon, and i went home to take care of the dog. I saw my dad cry today, my dad doesnt cry. He was in so much pain, he kept asking us to kill him. He was hyper ventalating when they admitted him and he stopped breathing for like ten seconds, that was bad.My grandpa attacked the nurses station and it was not good. He went to the hospital by ambulence,so my poor mom is all frazed out, even the dog is all upset. Way to spend a birthday, huh? I'm not mad at him, its jsut ome of those things that i'm now gonna assosiate with my birthday. Like getting dumped on my 18th and alex hooking up with heater on my 15th. Ug...i really cant say that my birthday brought me any excitement, i just wanted to be done with it. So now i'm old, i'm not a teenager anymore, woohoo......now what. I was supposed to go out with the gang, but the whole thing with my dad had me so stressed out that i just wanted to stay home and...worry. This is trivial and stupid but i am kinda annoyed that alex didnt get me anything, nothing. I know he took ambrosia and tried, its just more of the same old disapointments. I dont know why i get my hopes up, no reason to. (btw i know i sound fucking emo...i dont care right now). I wonder about him, why i'm with him, i love him but i start to think i wont be able to live with him because we want two diffrent things from life, i want adventure in the big city and to travel and be free, and he wants to run a boring little shop in massillion. I cant stay in massillion, no way. I dont understand how he can settle for massillion? he's never been anywhere else..but maybe thats it. He doesnt know there's anything better. I mean he's lived in the same house his whole life. I kind of want to get away sometimes. away from everyone, jump in my car and just go. He keeps telling my that all he thinks about it sex and all he want to do is have sex like all the time and i dont want that, i think he has some issues, and i've been his thearapist for too long, but he wont go to a psychologist and then is all like "there's someting wronge with me" so why dont he fix it! its dumb. I just dont want to put up with it. i have my own things to worry about. I keep thinking he's gonna get better and normal and not be such a freak and so hard to get along with. but then he told me that they said he has borderline personality disorder and it means he can hate the people he loves for no reason and then be fine the next day or in the next ten minutes. I just dont want to play those games, i'm tired of getting yelled at about stupid shit, it kills me that i think i shouldnt do something cuz i just dont want him to be pissed when i've done it. I shouldnt have to think that. I want to give him time to get out of his partens house and maybe he'll even out,but if he doesnt i'm just not gonna put my self in that situastion, sorry l like me too much.

ok, i feel a lil better now, got out all the melodrama. Ug sleep,hosptial work. what a fun weekend.