I'm still kind of reeling from this over a week later.
So last episode, Coulson was kidnapped by Centipede, Mike Peterson was killed (#MIKELIVES) and shit hit the fan. Let's see what our beloved agents were up to during the Christmas hiatus.
Ward and May open the show by cutting in on Mr. Vanchat (shady dude who is shady) doing a business deal involving some Chitauri stuff, because Marvel. He makes a break for it, and the kids on the Bus (Skye and FitzSimmons) corral him onto the roof to be picked up by Victoria Hand and her entourage. Hand assumes control on the mission and, on May's advice, kicks Skye off of the Bus. Skye doesn't leave quietly until Ward and FitzSimmons tell her to go and get what she needs herself, because they know she can. She proceeds to accost corrupt businessman Lloyd Rathman and uses him to hack Vanchat's financial records while at the same time Ward interrogates Vanchat (hilariously) and gets information out of him that pleases Hand.
In the meantime, Coulson is being tortured by Po and is refusing to give in. The Clairvoyant decides Po's method isn't working and has him killed via cell phone. Tony Stark really needs to look into this, this is getting out of hand. Raina, the Girl in the Flower Dress, takes over Coulson's handling and pulls a low blow, bringing up The Cellist (who is not Hawkeye) and seemingly breaking Coulson. Coulson allows her to use a sciencey machine-thingy to bring out repressed memories and I was traumatized for life.
Beware, for Here There Be Spoiler Dragons.
Turns out that Coulson, after his fatal encounter with Loki in The Avengers, was dead for days and was ultimately resurrected by fringe science and possibly dark magic? I dunno, I just really want Doctor Strange in the MCU. Anyway, he was brought back to life but lost the will to live, begging for them to "just let [him] die". Shepard Book the doctor played by Ron Glass admits much later that they overrwrote Coulson's memories with pleasant memories of Tahiti so he wouldn't be traumatized by his experience. Ha ha ha ha, *weeps*.
So Skye gets her info and calls in the rest of the team and they all come crashing onto Centipede's hideyhole in full Ops gear to rescue their leader. They take on Centipede's soldiers and search the deserted compound for Coulson. Skye finds him and punches Raina in the face, and I fell in love with Skye hard at this point. Skye pulls Coulson out of the dream machine thing and comforts him (he was yelling "let me die" when she ran in) while the rest of the team assembles behind her.
Raina is taken into custody, Hand begrudgingly gives Skye the "okay, you did good this time" nod, and Coulson takes the tech-repellant bracelet off of her. Later, Coulson confronts Doctor Ron Glass, who begs his forgiveness. Coulson walks away, and it looks like he's unsure of whether or not he still trusts S.H.I.E.L.D. after all this.
In the stinger, it's revealed that MIKE LIVES! But OH NO, he's got that Eye thing and he's missing a leg and CENTIPEDE AND THE CLAIRVOYANT HAVE HIM, NOOOOOOOOOOO!
And this is why I stuck with S.H.I.E.L.D. all this way through. I am not dropping the series anytime soon, holy shit. Clark Gregg deserves all the awards ever. Everyone is awesome. I love everyone on this Bus.