100 Fic Challenge #58
Title: You're In Denial, And That Is Final...
Prompt: #58 - Lies
Pairing: Siwon x Siwon
Rating: R
Warnings: Relations to religious views, Slight Angst.
Summary: All his life he'd been brought up on the notion of Homosexuality equals bad...
Archive: My 100 Fic Challenge
Progress: 001/100 - Woo this is the official kick off! *dances*
#58 - Lies.
Curved, plump lips parted slightly in a silent gasp, deep brown eyes stared metaphorical daggers into the ceiling as two sets of fingers curl around his skin. Goosebumps dance happily across toned, tanned muscles, thriving on the bitter temperature of the room in the early morning chill, long before the timed central heating system has kicked in. Silence presses in against tender ear shells, pressure building into a shrill ringing against his eardrums, his own breathing only audible in his own head as the thick blanket of silence remained as stubborn as ever around his head. He has at least another fifteen minutes before Hankyung wakes up to the irritating beep of his alarm and heads out to make breakfast. Siwon sighs and a small puff of smoky water vapour escapes from his mouth into the extreme cold around him, chest tightening against the stuffy atmosphere, his fingers tightening in turn against his skin. Fingernails scrape mercilessly against pectoral muscles as he does so, almost as if he were attempting to claw out his beating heart, red welts bubbling up in their wake as he repeats the action, back arching off the mattress slightly as he does, eyes remaining all the while on the soft early morning rays that danced across the ceilings above him.
Soft snuffles draw his irises away from the ceiling towards the bed opposite, watching unblinking as Hankyung rolls over in his sleep, all ebony spikes, dark skin and long eyelashes peeking above the covers and Siwon almost feels nauseous as his fingers tighten instinctively. He disentangles his fingers from his chest as his other hand remains ever in motion, his now free hand flung across his eyes as he finds himself unable to tear his gaze from his Hyung's slumbering form. A slight graze of his thumbnail against sensitive skin causes his hips to jolt, hand slipping down to his mouth, biting down onto the inside of his wrist as his motions pick up pace.
His eyes caught a shimmer of silver and Siwon could all but feel himself pale as he found his vision drawn to the small cross hanging faithfully from the special stand on his bedside table that one of the members had bought him for his birthday. He wondered if briefly this was God's way of punishing him for going against his parent's wishes all those years ago and secretly auditioning for SM entertainment; throwing him into a group with twelve extremely good looking men, then into a sub-group where he would have an extra two, albeit remotely outcast, yet still extremely good looking men with him.
He played with the idea that it was a trial, he was being shown temptation much like Eve had with the apple in The Garden of Eden, and he was meant to show he was worthy of his Christianity by resisting, ignoring the snake that hissed coyly in his ear to sample the many fruits that made up Super Junior.
All his life he'd been brought up on the notion of Homosexuality equals bad and the morals stubborn tendrils were still embedded into his brain, absorbing his brain power with every inhale of oxygen. He didn't like any of his band members, his band members were guys and the whole idea was still as appalling to him now as it had been for his whole life. He still shuddered every time Heechul went about locking lips with whoever remained still long enough, flouncing around with his long hair, make-up and feminine clothing, nothing had changed. Nothing.
That still didn't alter the fact he was sprawled across his sheets, for the fourth day running, hand curled into a fist around his aching member beneath his sleep pants as he slowly stroked himself, knuckles brushing oh so lightly against the damp cotton of his boxer shorts with every movement, mind filled with a technicolour symphony of faces and voices crashing together, mixing into a hashed attempt at order, while his eyes strained without fail to the only real body visible in the shared bedroom.
He wasn't gay, that was Heechul's job description, he was the Gentleman of Gestures with the sensitive heart, caring words and open arms for anyone who needed them. He didn't think about Heechul's kiss, Hankyung's adorable accent, Leeteuk's smile induced dimple. The way Eunhyuk danced, Donghae squealed and Sungmin looked in pink never crossed his mind, Kyuhyun's evil smirk didn't turn him on, Shindong's tight grip from Enhancing the Human Body didn't make him blush, Ryeowook over his shoulder, Yesung popping, Kibum's hands at his hips, Kangin's threatening gestures didn't cause his heart to race. Henry's quiet innocence and Zhou-Mi's quirky behaviour did little to catch his attention. He wasn't gay.
Eyes are drawn down towards his sleep pants and he watches as his hand moves beneath the material, his breath hitches, fist clenching as he feels the oh too familiar coiling in his stomach, irises slipping behind eyelids as he feels himself teetering on the edge of the cliff. Clinging cowardly to the crumbling rubble of sanity as he prays for his God to save him from the shame, the agony and self-disgust that lies waiting for him below, lapping at the cliffs joyfully, the black abyss of the rough waters waiting to swallow him once more and force the cliff to erode another inch.
His front teeth sink harshly into his lower lip as he comes, the metallic tang of blood evident on his lip and tongue as he lays staring at the soggy spoils on his pants as the waters engulf him, drawing an almost strangled cry from his lips as Hankyung's alarm goes off in the same moment. Before the elder can fully register what it is interrupting his sleep, Siwon is out of bed, across the room and barrelling through the en-suite door as his stomach heaves.
Body collapsing against the toilet as he dry retches, Siwon's fingers, freshly cleaned, curl into his hair as he grits his teeth against the scream that roughly throws itself against his throat, begging to be released. He's shivering, sobbing and heaving, unable to catch his breath as he feels his faith crack just that little bit extra, his rules, morals and general lifestyle balancing on an ever unravelling tightrope. He can't lose his faith, without it he has nothing to believe in, nothing to centre himself or to turn to if things get difficult. It's just a phase, an illness, something destined to pass, his God wouldn't punish him this way, he'd never done anything wrong, always been a good law abiding Christian who strives for those moments when he can sit by himself and immerse himself in his Religion. His God wouldn't make him gay.
Hankyung's behind him now, concerned fingers hot against his rapidly cooling, sweat soaked skin and he can feel the shivers racking his system once again. He's ill, so very ill, sick in the head. He has no one to turn to, no one to understand his turmoil and truly understand him at the same time. He needed curing, needed treatment to get rid of the horrid plague that has corrupted his system, he needed to break free from the rut his mind had been cursed into, he wasn't gay. His eyes didn't slide shut as Hankyung carefully slicked his hair back in a soothing manner to check his forehead for a temperature, he didn't nearly choke as Donghae crouched beside him and carefully ran a gentle hand against his bicep. When Kangin came in and hoisted him to his feet, arms tight against his waist he didn't nearly whimper in need.
He had no reason to.
He wasn't gay.
And he'd believe it one day.
Prompt: #58 - Lies
Pairing: Siwon x Siwon
Rating: R
Warnings: Relations to religious views, Slight Angst.
Summary: All his life he'd been brought up on the notion of Homosexuality equals bad...
Archive: My 100 Fic Challenge
Progress: 001/100 - Woo this is the official kick off! *dances*
#58 - Lies.
Curved, plump lips parted slightly in a silent gasp, deep brown eyes stared metaphorical daggers into the ceiling as two sets of fingers curl around his skin. Goosebumps dance happily across toned, tanned muscles, thriving on the bitter temperature of the room in the early morning chill, long before the timed central heating system has kicked in. Silence presses in against tender ear shells, pressure building into a shrill ringing against his eardrums, his own breathing only audible in his own head as the thick blanket of silence remained as stubborn as ever around his head. He has at least another fifteen minutes before Hankyung wakes up to the irritating beep of his alarm and heads out to make breakfast. Siwon sighs and a small puff of smoky water vapour escapes from his mouth into the extreme cold around him, chest tightening against the stuffy atmosphere, his fingers tightening in turn against his skin. Fingernails scrape mercilessly against pectoral muscles as he does so, almost as if he were attempting to claw out his beating heart, red welts bubbling up in their wake as he repeats the action, back arching off the mattress slightly as he does, eyes remaining all the while on the soft early morning rays that danced across the ceilings above him.
Soft snuffles draw his irises away from the ceiling towards the bed opposite, watching unblinking as Hankyung rolls over in his sleep, all ebony spikes, dark skin and long eyelashes peeking above the covers and Siwon almost feels nauseous as his fingers tighten instinctively. He disentangles his fingers from his chest as his other hand remains ever in motion, his now free hand flung across his eyes as he finds himself unable to tear his gaze from his Hyung's slumbering form. A slight graze of his thumbnail against sensitive skin causes his hips to jolt, hand slipping down to his mouth, biting down onto the inside of his wrist as his motions pick up pace.
His eyes caught a shimmer of silver and Siwon could all but feel himself pale as he found his vision drawn to the small cross hanging faithfully from the special stand on his bedside table that one of the members had bought him for his birthday. He wondered if briefly this was God's way of punishing him for going against his parent's wishes all those years ago and secretly auditioning for SM entertainment; throwing him into a group with twelve extremely good looking men, then into a sub-group where he would have an extra two, albeit remotely outcast, yet still extremely good looking men with him.
He played with the idea that it was a trial, he was being shown temptation much like Eve had with the apple in The Garden of Eden, and he was meant to show he was worthy of his Christianity by resisting, ignoring the snake that hissed coyly in his ear to sample the many fruits that made up Super Junior.
All his life he'd been brought up on the notion of Homosexuality equals bad and the morals stubborn tendrils were still embedded into his brain, absorbing his brain power with every inhale of oxygen. He didn't like any of his band members, his band members were guys and the whole idea was still as appalling to him now as it had been for his whole life. He still shuddered every time Heechul went about locking lips with whoever remained still long enough, flouncing around with his long hair, make-up and feminine clothing, nothing had changed. Nothing.
That still didn't alter the fact he was sprawled across his sheets, for the fourth day running, hand curled into a fist around his aching member beneath his sleep pants as he slowly stroked himself, knuckles brushing oh so lightly against the damp cotton of his boxer shorts with every movement, mind filled with a technicolour symphony of faces and voices crashing together, mixing into a hashed attempt at order, while his eyes strained without fail to the only real body visible in the shared bedroom.
He wasn't gay, that was Heechul's job description, he was the Gentleman of Gestures with the sensitive heart, caring words and open arms for anyone who needed them. He didn't think about Heechul's kiss, Hankyung's adorable accent, Leeteuk's smile induced dimple. The way Eunhyuk danced, Donghae squealed and Sungmin looked in pink never crossed his mind, Kyuhyun's evil smirk didn't turn him on, Shindong's tight grip from Enhancing the Human Body didn't make him blush, Ryeowook over his shoulder, Yesung popping, Kibum's hands at his hips, Kangin's threatening gestures didn't cause his heart to race. Henry's quiet innocence and Zhou-Mi's quirky behaviour did little to catch his attention. He wasn't gay.
Eyes are drawn down towards his sleep pants and he watches as his hand moves beneath the material, his breath hitches, fist clenching as he feels the oh too familiar coiling in his stomach, irises slipping behind eyelids as he feels himself teetering on the edge of the cliff. Clinging cowardly to the crumbling rubble of sanity as he prays for his God to save him from the shame, the agony and self-disgust that lies waiting for him below, lapping at the cliffs joyfully, the black abyss of the rough waters waiting to swallow him once more and force the cliff to erode another inch.
His front teeth sink harshly into his lower lip as he comes, the metallic tang of blood evident on his lip and tongue as he lays staring at the soggy spoils on his pants as the waters engulf him, drawing an almost strangled cry from his lips as Hankyung's alarm goes off in the same moment. Before the elder can fully register what it is interrupting his sleep, Siwon is out of bed, across the room and barrelling through the en-suite door as his stomach heaves.
Body collapsing against the toilet as he dry retches, Siwon's fingers, freshly cleaned, curl into his hair as he grits his teeth against the scream that roughly throws itself against his throat, begging to be released. He's shivering, sobbing and heaving, unable to catch his breath as he feels his faith crack just that little bit extra, his rules, morals and general lifestyle balancing on an ever unravelling tightrope. He can't lose his faith, without it he has nothing to believe in, nothing to centre himself or to turn to if things get difficult. It's just a phase, an illness, something destined to pass, his God wouldn't punish him this way, he'd never done anything wrong, always been a good law abiding Christian who strives for those moments when he can sit by himself and immerse himself in his Religion. His God wouldn't make him gay.
Hankyung's behind him now, concerned fingers hot against his rapidly cooling, sweat soaked skin and he can feel the shivers racking his system once again. He's ill, so very ill, sick in the head. He has no one to turn to, no one to understand his turmoil and truly understand him at the same time. He needed curing, needed treatment to get rid of the horrid plague that has corrupted his system, he needed to break free from the rut his mind had been cursed into, he wasn't gay. His eyes didn't slide shut as Hankyung carefully slicked his hair back in a soothing manner to check his forehead for a temperature, he didn't nearly choke as Donghae crouched beside him and carefully ran a gentle hand against his bicep. When Kangin came in and hoisted him to his feet, arms tight against his waist he didn't nearly whimper in need.
He had no reason to.
He wasn't gay.
And he'd believe it one day.