Domestica (HP; Remus/Sirius; MWPP; R; I am still insane)
Title: Domestica
Fandom: Harry Potter
Characters/Pairing: Remus/Sirius, slight Lily/James if you blink sideways and upside down.
Rating: R
Spoilers: None that I can think of?
Word Count: 6,372
Summary: In which there are are dreams of pirates and happy endings, and implied porn (with people over 18!! OVER 18!!! everyone in this journal is always over 18 if sexy fun times are being had! Even when they aren't! They're still over 18! ...that parrot is positively geriatric!)
AN: (I wish this flowed better, but I am so sick of struggling with it. Sirius took over the story halfway through and DRAGGED ME DOWN INTO THE INSANITY. I still have not recovered enough to edit the prose properly. It's been years.)
Disclaimer: Characters are not mine, for which I am glad because they are INSANE.
They are tangled in bed sheets that only one of them owns, their limbs frantic and thrashing, their pulses racing. A silencing charm has been cast, but they are still quiet, so quiet, lips pressing against skin, hands fumbling in the darkness and then release. Trousers are unzipped and cast aside, the pace quickens to something past frantic that only two teenaged boys can achieve. It is one, two, three, and Sirius feels it, feels it deep inside, and murmurs, "Oh, Remus!" as he comes.
They lie panting afterwards, side by side on Remus's bed. Sirius turns to half face his lover and throws an easy arm around his middle. Remus says nothing, instead using a cleaning charm to get rid of the wet spot underneath them. When Sirius speaks, it isn’t epitaphs of love or devotion, just a casual “that was pretty brill, mate.” This can’t end happily, they both know.
Sometime during the night, Sirius returns to his own bed. Remus, who is used to waking up alone, prefers it this way. Sirius snores, he thinks. His limbs are all over the bed, and sometimes he barks. He barks in his sleep! So yes, Remus is glad when Sirius leaves, so he can sleep, he thinks to himself (as if there was any other kind of thinking than thinking to oneself.) Stop it, he thinks fiercely, or else I’ll be going mad!
Remus stops thinking, and pulls the curtains back. He is first to rise, as usual, and glances at the morning sun shining through the curtains as he dresses for the coming day. Pants, an undershirt, trousers, one button down, a neatly knotted tie, one jumper, two socks, two shoes, and his robes, Remus lists. Everything is in place. He pins his Prefect badge on his robes, gathers his things, and heads out of the room before the others have even woken.
Sirius listens to Remus get ready every morning. He knows Moony thinks he is asleep, but ever since their first night together, Sirius knows with some innate instinct when Remus awakens, and crashes into consciousness seconds after. He finds this disturbing and intimate, far more intimate than he and Moony are supposed to be, so he creeps off to his own bed before Moony can figure out his secret. As he hears Remus leave the room, he rolls over and stuffs his face into the pillow. This can’t be happening, he thinks, this isn’t real!
Sirius crawls out from under his pillows fifteen minutes later, grabs the first clothing that comes to hand, sniffs it, and then shuffles into the bathroom and has an early morning wank.
After a shower, Sirius feels better. More civilized, somehow, more like a person that Remus J. Lupin could love. Sirius has always wanted Remus to like him, but he is ignorant to when the overwhelming need to have Remus love him occurred. He doesn’t give a rat’s ass if Peter loves him, or James (although he likes that they like him, because they are fairly brilliant to play pranks with.) But Remus? Remus matters to Sirius, and this is the first time that anyone has mattered in such an important way.
Sirius brushes his teeth, and hears Remus come back in from the prefects bath. He must have forgotten something, Sirius thinks, and is startled when a sandy head pops into the bathroom and asks, “Allright Pads? Coming to breakfast?” Sirius nods mutely, the toothbrush still in his mouth. He must look a fright, he thinks, white foam everywhere. Remus stares at him two seconds longer, and then steps outside to lean against the wall there. Sirius hurriedly finishes, spitting out the foul paste (why, why, why did Remus have to seem him like that?) and rinsing out his mouth. He finishes by splashing cold water on his face, and dripping, he steps outside the bathroom and grins. Remus just looks, raising his eyebrows and saying nothing. Sirius grabs an arm and wipes his wet face on Moony’s robe.
“Ooooh, Get off Padfoot! You’re getting me all wet!” he shrieks, not unlike a girl. Sirius grins and nuzzles his nose into Remus’s neck before letting go.
“Getting you wet, hm? I like the sound of that,” Sirius laughs, a short barklike laugh that reminds Remus of the dog inside Sirius. He remembers Sirius howling at the full moon, and joining in. Pack, he thinks. Sirius is pack, and so Remus does not get mad, and allows Sirius to sling an arm around his shoulders and lead him off to tea and toast and sausages.
Friday morning breakfast is unpopulated. Few students like getting up early on a Friday to eat a full breakfast- most just grab toast or an apple on their way to class. Remus prefers it this way, the normally bustling hall quiet, and enough solitude for reading. Needless to say, Sirius does not. Padfoot likes motion, action, activity, anything that creates chaos or chaos can be created in. It is too easy to disturb the peace on Friday mornings, and too easy to get caught doing it. No one worth pranking gets up this early anyway.
Remus takes his tea with two sugars and one cream. Sirius has been drinking coffee this year, black like his name. Remus suspects Sirius drinks the coffee to annoy his parents, but Sirius says that coffee is continental, baby. All he needs to be one of those beat poets is a black turtleneck and a beret. Well, that and a beat.
“I didn’t know you had an inclination to be part of muggle America, Pads,” Remus jokes as Sirius sips his coffee.
“Oh, you know me, I’m all about anything that gets the birds,” he winks. They both know it's true- Sirius does many things just to get attention. It's just the right person isn't always paying attention.
“You want one of those crazy mod girls with the giant sunglasses then?” Remus asks coolly, aware that his (and by extension, Sirius's,) knowledge of muggle pop culture is a decade behind the times.
“Nah, mod girls are so last decade." Sirius accurately notes. "One of those hippie chicks with the long hair, eh?” They both watch, amused, as a fifth year suddenly flees from the table, no doubt to spread the word on Sirius Black’s current likes and dislikes. Sirius leans over to steal a sausage off Remus’s plate, and uses the opportunity to murmur in Remus’s ear, “no, you know what I like.” Smirking, he eats the sausage in a rather obscene fashion, and Remus blushes, remembering last Thursday in the Charms classroom. There are advantages to being a prefect.
“I don’t know, I always rather liked the look of that model, what was her name? Twig or something. Had those short skirts and big sunglasses- Marvelous.”
“Oh yeah, that bird was right fit, she was. You've good taste in women, Moony. Explains why you haven’t dated a bird in years, what with the way things are around here.”
“Well, I suppose I shouldn’t tell you that I snogged Lily Evans last weekend then. Might ruin your fantasy of me not dating.” Remus smirked.
“You didn’t. James would kill you!” Sirius looks murderous.
“Sorry mate, just having you on. Eat your toast.” he calmly says as he sips his tea. Sirius eats his toast crusts sulkily.
"You're right though, it has been years since I've had a date. Perhaps I should do something about that. Ask Natalie to Hogsmeade again." Remus sighs. Sirius whines, a low, almost inaudible whine and then James and Peter stumble in, still half asleep.
“Caffeine, Moony. Caffeine.” To say that James does not deal well with mornings would be an understatement. He slides in next to Remus on the bench and is passed a cup of coffee by a sympathetic Sirius. James takes a sip while Peter sits down next to Sirius, grabbing a plate of sausages and a bowl of porridge. Remus continues to sip at the last of his tea, waiting for the scene that occurs every morning. Sure enough, James looks down at his cup after draining half of it.
“What in the... Padfoot! What is this shite? You gave me your bloody black coffee again?” A piece of toast is thrown and Peter is only halfway through his porridge. A counter attack with a sausage goes over James’s head and lands in Snape’s hair.
“Oh, spot on Sirius,” Peter says around a mouthful. “You got Snape in the head.”
“Oh happy day! Happy day Moony, for I have defended your virtue against Snivellus this happy morning and it is not even time for our first class already! I am a god among men,” he cries, leaping from the table and gathering his books. Remus, for all he thinks that Sirius is quite mad, agrees with the fleeing of the scene, and follows Sirius off.
“Ta, lads! The fair lady Remus and I shall see you in classes, but parting is such sweet sorrow and all that muggle nonsense Moony keeps reading to us!” Sirius dramatizes, and prances out of the Great Hall. Remus follows at a more sedate pace for their Arithmancy class, mumbling about how he wasn't aware his virtue had been threatened and also, he is no lady, Sirius, thank you for remembering. James stares, slightly dumbfounded at his best friend's odd behavior, and Peter snickers into his toast.
Sirius knows he is acting strange, even for him, but he can’t help it. He is afraid that if he stops acting normal, or this bizarre hyperbolic version of normal, then everything will come rushing out. Everything he thinks in the early morning hours, like the way Sirius can see Remus mentally making a list of everything he is supposed to be wearing as he dresses; the way that his sausages taste better with Moony sitting across from him talking about birds (as if either of them liked birds right now- Sirius desperately hopes this is the case;) the way he wants to drag Remus behind that statue and have his wicked way with him before class, and possibly during and after class too, despite his morning wank. Sirius is afraid that everything would rush out in a great big rush of feelings, and boys do not talk about feelings, especially not boys like Sirius.
If boys like Sirius talked about feelings, then the world would simply cease to exist, Sirius thinks. He is a man’s man, he likes Quidditch and firewhiskey and not talking about feelings. So why is it that being around Remus, quiet controlled Remus, makes Sirius want to spill all his feelings? Bollocks, he thinks, I am a girl.
Sirius is uncharacteristically quiet all the way to class. Remus is perturbed. Sirius has been acting strangely all morning. One moment he is manic, even more Sirius than normal, and then he slips into quiet. Remus Lupin is quiet. Sometimes Lily Evans is quiet, especially when one James Potter is not around. Even James is quiet, occasionally. But Sirius Black is not quiet. Something is wrong, Remus decides.
This knowledge motivates Remus. He passes Sirius a note during class that reads simply “What’s wrong?” Sirius looks at it, looks at Remus, and looks at it again.
“nothing’s wrong. what’s wrong with you, passing notes in class?” the return note reads.
“You have been acting strangely all morning, which prompted my earlier note. I am sorry if my uncharacteristic behavior caused you to think that something was wrong with me, but I can assure you I am fine. I was just worried, that’s all.”
“worried. pah. you are a girl.” Remus refuses to respond to this libel. Sirius pokes him in the side with a quill, but Remus will not be deterred. He is taking notes now, thank you, and is paying attention.
Sirius has never been able to pay attention in class, so it is not very surprising when his mind wanders again.
‘I wonder if what it would be like to be one of those mad beatnik poet people that Moony is always on about. Rather boring, I’d suspect. Still, all the coffee I could drink wouldn’t be half bad. And that snapping could be fun. But poetry... No. That is for girls. I’ll have to come up with something else to be.’
Sirius runs through possible muggle professions in his head. ‘One of those actors in muggle films? I do have the dashing good looks, and it would be spot on to have even more screaming fans, but they have to wear powder and girly bits. Hmm. Perhaps a rock star? Oh, no, that’s probably worse. Some of them wear the girly stuff that lines their eyes AND leather trousers. Not on. Although leather trousers are dead sexy without that liney stuff. Like to see Moony in a pair of those. But rock stars do get to go on tour. Hmm. Still. Liney stuff not on.'
The thoughts in Sirius's head slow down to a treacle pace. 'I suppose I’ll just have to become a pirate then. They sail the seas, so loads of adventure, which is ace, and all the birds, gold, and drink one can handle. And it is very manly to be a pirate, even with the tights. Surely all pirates do not wear tights. Will have to ask Remus.’
When Remus looks over, Sirius is fast asleep.
Sirius is having a dream where he is a pirate captain. He has the outfit, and the parrot, which has an odd tendency to speak in James's voice, and Lily Evans of all people is his first mate, attired in a fetching pirate wench number. Sirius is not surprised when the parrot flies over to her shoulder to perch. Peter, apparently, is a chef with a peg leg, and the ship has a reputation for being the fastest on the sea. Their ship and crew, aptly named the marauding belle, has a fierce rivalry with the s.s. slimy slytherins, of which his cousin Bellatrix (not his cousin in the dream, but a jilted ex lover) is captain. Sirius is always amazed on waking with the complex history his dreamscape provides, but, still- Remus is nowhere to be found.
Sirius realizes that this is because Remus is not a member on board the ship, but in fact a waitress at the local dive who Captain Black is apparently having an affair with. Remus's name has inexplicably become Susie, but he is still Remus. He glances at Remus's now long hair, braided neatly, and then down at his impressive heaving breasts, before sighing, "This dream is arsed up. You are not a girl."
Remus-who-is-not-Remus-but-a-sodding-girl, nods. "But you'll still end up ravishing me before the dream is over, won't you." Sirius swallows, as Almost-Remus's breasts threaten to spill over the top of her low-cut gown. He sips his whisky, to calm the raging beast perhaps, and stares intently at the hazel eyes. Remus smiles (for a moment, his own face and not the face of the traitorous Susie,) and then leans over the bar to service another customer.
Sirius finds this dream disturbing. Mostly because he is aware it is a dream, and yet can't wake himself up from it. Also, Sirius is wearing tights. He feels a bit like a pouf. This was not how he had imagined his life of piracy. Remus was supposed to be his first mate, not a bloody bar wench with heaving breasts and shiny hair with hordes of admirers. Sirius also wanted to inquire within his subconscious where it had come up with the name Susie for Remus. Couldn't he have come up with an interesting name for girl-Remus, at least? Couldn't anything interesting happen in this arsed up dream? Something that pirates were actually supposed to do?
Bugger. He was out of whisky, and Remus was-
Hang it, Remus was nowhere to found. And there was Bellatrix, stealing out the bar with a wink, and oh, that was that a muffled scream on Susie's part? Sirius suspects it might be.
"To the ship, you scurvy dogs! They've plundered me beauty!" He yells, finally surrendering to the dream.
Remus regards the sleeping figure next to him, who seems to be murmuring something like "avast, me mateys!" and pokes him in the side with his quill. Sirius shifts, grumbles, and turns his head away from Remus so that his ear lands in a small puddle of drool. This doesn't seem to phase sleeping Sirius, who continues twitching slightly, still wrapped in his dream. Remus tears his eyes away from the curl above the drool covered ear and resumes taking notes. One of them has to, after all.
Still, he risks another glance, and smiles.
Sirius is not smiling. Lily- with some ridiculous name like First Mate Lily Eric the Honest Wench- is insisting that this is a stupid mission. "She's just a girl, Sirius!" she hisses, green eyes flashing angrily. "You have one in every port!"
Sirius shakes his head. "You don't understand, Lil-Honest Wench. She's me wench, and I'll have her back. Bellatrix has slighted the entire crew by this, and I'll not have it. This is a vengeful action of me cousin's, and I shan't give her rein of the seas over it, nor my future bride." The parrot squawks in indignation. Lily's eyes flash, a previously unseen emotion held within, and then dull.
"If that's how it's to be then." she nods, and then straightens. "Best put it to a vote. And tell them what you told me. You'll not neglect protocol, even for her."
Sirius had forgotten that a pirate's life was a democratic one. Good thing he was good at persuading people, he reflected.
"All right lads," he bellowed, as the parrot nuzzled Lily's neck. Sirius stared at it for a moment, bewildered, and then remembered that Susi- Remus, was at stake.
Remus looked down at Sirius, who was muttering quite loudly now. Remus could make out one in every three words or so, and it appeared to be some sort of inspirational pirate speech? Definitely not about Arithmancy, which would at least keep their professor from getting too angry. He poked Sirius with his quill again. Sirius grumbled, and moved further away from Remus, but at least he was quieter now. Remus brushed away a curl from Padfoot's ear and resumed note taking.
With his rousing speech made, Sirius is ready to set sail. Lily is counting the votes. The parrot, Rotter, is squawking, probably annoyed that Lily is not paying attention. Sirius paces. He knows he is going with or without the crew, and the anticipation is torture. Sirius hates inaction, and waiting, even if it is for something that might benefit his myriad causes, has always reeked of inaction to him.
Lily is still counting. Sirius is still pacing. Peter is swabbing the deck, with a Ravenclaw tie tied around his head. When asked, he claims it be his thinking tie, that helps him prepare menus for the week that include plenty of vitamin c so no one gets scurvy. Peter knows more than most give him credit for, but Sirius still doesn’t care about scurvy or lack thereof. He is more interested in the results of Lily’s counting and the giant octopus looming on the horizon.
“Lils,” he says, as the octopus speedily draws nearer. “Lils, there is a giant octopus headed our way. You haven’t picked up another animal admirer, have you?” The parrot lets out an angry squawk.
“So what if I have! It’s not like I encourage them, and at least they like me, unlike most humans! And I’m trying to count your stupid votes, so will you be quiet?” She glares at him and then resumes counting the ballots. 37 for yes, 12 for no, and a small pile left. The parrot is still squawking, and she attempts to brush him off her shoulder, but he is having none of that.
“Lily, Lily, Lily. There is a GIANT OCTOPUS that is COMING THIS WAY, and I am supposed to be calm about it? That thing is large enough to wreak the ship, wench!” Sirius is not calm. Sirius hates inaction, and every molecule in his body is now screaming for action.
“Snapey won’t do any harm. He’s as gentle as a dolphin.” The parrot was flapping his wings indignantly. Sirius was about ready to make Rotter walk the plank if he kept this up. Probably send Lily too if she didn’t bleeding hurry up. No matter what Lily said, a giant octopus was still a giant octopus, and Sirius didn’t need no giant octopi interfering when he had a lady love to save. Also, there was some plundering that could be done after they fetched Remus from the evil clutches of Mad Barmy Bella. Sirius liked plundering. And rum. And Remus. Perhaps he could enjoy all three later, but that required doing something, anything, and Lily was still counting. Sirius was about ready to walk the plank himself.
“All right. So that’s 56 for yes, and 17 for no. Did you vote twice, Sirius?” Sirius’s poker face is failing him. “Sirius! That’s unethical!”
“Ethics? Rem-Susie is missing, there’s a giant octopus that has probably pleasured you with its tentacles bearing down on us, and you want to talk about ethics? We’re PIRATES. Pirates don’t HAVE ethics!” Sirius looks up, his face contorted with fury.
Sirius finds that Lily is wearing coconuts on her head, Peter appears to have a bra made of coconuts on, and Rotter has stopped squawking and is reciting epic love poems to the fourth freckle down on Lily's neck. Sirius, realizing that he and the giant octopus are possibly the only sane ones left on the boat, turns to say so. Strangely enough, the giant octopus has vanished, leaving Sirius to wonder if he has gone mad.
And then the dancing puppet things appear and Sirius knows he has.
"What the bloody berk is cabin fever?" he shouts at Lily over the din.
"I don't know, but the song is catchy, isn't it?" she smiles, and twirls him around. He looks at her horrified, and realizes they are halfway to Bellatrix's super secret cave fortress of evil doom and other fun stuff, which Bellatrix had told him the location of in the throes of passion, that one time.
It's halfway through Arithmancy, and Remus wonders if he should wake Sirius up from his nap. The drool is spreading, and Remus is starting to fear for his notes. Still, Sirius looks so intent on whatever dream he is having, and Remus is loathe to continue their earlier conversation. He resolves to check back in fifteen minutes.
"Lily. Lils? LILY." Sirius is worried. Lily is making some strange facial expressions, and Rotter is no where to be found. And her skirts are moving strangely, almost like- dear lord. It couldn't be. She wouldn't, would she? Sirius does not want to contemplate. Good thing they are at Bellatrix's super secret cave fortress of evil doom and other fun stuff, then.
"Lily. What in the world is that bird doing to you?" Lily looks up, startled. Her face is flushed and her hair is in more disarray than normal. Sirius hopes it was the wind blowing in her hair. Yes, and on her face. That still doesn't explain why there is a parrot shaped lump in Lily's skirts. "Never mind, I don't want to know. Whatever that bird is doing there, it'll have to wait. We are here, and I need a cunning plan to save Rem-Susie from possible doom at the hands of my cousi-er, jilted ex-lover."
Lily stares at him. "What makes you think I would have a cunning plan? I am not the brains of the operation. I am here to be hit on by your parrot and look pretty, effectively distracting any and all males that are not on our crew so you can loot and plunder them." Sirius just stares in disbelief as she smoothes out her skirts.
"Oh fine. My plan is... we walk in, grab Susie, and leave. How's that for a cunning plan?" Sirius, never one for waiting for a better plan of action, nodded in assent.
"Sounds like a cunning plan to me. Perhaps you should have been a Slytherin, Lils. Well, all right, it's not terribly cunning, but it's the best plan we've got so far, and I'm not waiting for another one, so let's be off."
When Sirius wakes, he never remembers this part of the dream clearly. It is just a blur of sneaking and sword fighting and chopping Remus down from a pole and dancing monkeys and beautiful Lily, with her eyes flashing and her sword dancing. He thinks it is strange that she seems more suited for the pirate life than he, for she has never seemed swashbuckling outside of his dreams, but here she holds her own with the best of them, nimble feet moving as she laughs and fells another foe. He is glad she is on his side for once, the once he never seems to get in real life.
Although if that means he never has to see her have sex with a parrot, he thinks it is a fair trade off.
Susie swoons, and he catches her. Her gown is torn in several places, her hair is loose around her face, and her breasts are heaving. She murmurs, "my hero!" as if she were in a trashy romance novel, and perhaps they are, for Sirius is proclaiming, "True love conquers all" as he threads one of his hands in her sandy brown hair.
Just as Sirius is about to make the same noises he was making last night, Remus gives him a mighty shove so he goes sprawling across the floor behind their desk. Sirius can only blink for a few seconds, disoriented at the rude awakening. He crawls back into his seat as the professor lets class out.
"Sus- I mean, Remus, did I- did I sleep through class? And why did you wake me, I was having a nice dream. Bit odd, but still rather nice." Sirius wipes his face with the back of his hand.
"Because class was over, and you were also starting to make positively obscene noises. Nice dream my arse. Pornographic is more like it." Remus has shoved his notes into his bag hastily and is heading off to Charms. Sirius follows, two steps behind, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
Sirius hardly eats at lunch, and he has not taken any notes the entire day, Remus calculates at half past noon. He has been talking about birds more than usual, and not just girl birds, there was definitely talk of parrots five minutes ago. When Lily comes over to ask Remus about the Potions assignment, Sirius is cordial and doesn’t wind her or James up.
“Sirius,” he hisses, after Lily has left. “What is the matter with you? You were just nice to Lily. You didn’t wind up James while she was here.”
“Moony’s right, mate. What is the matter with you?” James adds.
“Nothing is the matter with me. Can’t a bloke enjoy his sausages in peace?” Sirius whines.
“You haven’t eaten any sausages.” Remus mentions.
“We’ve having Shepard’s Pie.” James lobbies.
“Which you haven’t eaten any of either.” Peter joins in.
“So that excuse is invalid.” Remus smiles.
"You're all nutters. I'm going to potions." Sirius storms off, leaving his books behind. He wishes he could tell them what was wrong, but Sirius knows that Remus would only get angry about it. They're supposed to be casual, and secret, and only for the dead of night, but Sirius isn't one to abide by the rules for long. Yet he holds himself back- this secret he will keep.
It's become normal for him to hold himself back ever since the guilt set in last year. Not for what he did to Snape- he'd do that again in a second, whiny sniveling evil git- but for what he almost did to Remus, and what he had done to their friendship. He had never considered before the fact that Remus mattered- he was there, wasn't he? They were mates, weren't they? James was his brother, Remus was his mate, and Peter was, well, Peter. That was just how things were, and Sirius had no reason to think on it. Not when there were pranks to be played and sausages to be eaten.
And one balmy March night, Sirius found reason under the full moon.
Remus did not talk to him for two months after that. The wolf snarled and bit at Padfoot in the shack if he entered. Even now when he enters, he is greeted with a snarl, followed by the slightest of permissions to enter. Even when Remus lets him into his bed, Sirius can see the slight reserve and restraint on the slender boy's face. Remus doesn't trust him like he once did. There's no way that Remus would trust that Sirius means it when he says "I love you."
So Sirius doesn't say anything, and forgets his books at the table when he storms off to potions.
The remaining marauders confer with each other.
"Do you think he had a letter from his family?" Peter asks.
"No, he didn't get any owls at breakfast." Remus says around a bite.
"Is it a bird then? Do you know, Prongs?"
"He hasn't mentioned any birds to me. Hasn't really been chatting anyone up lately either. Has he talked to you at all Moony?"
"We were talking about birds at breakfast, and I mentioned I was going to ask Natalie to Hogsmeade and he got all queer. And he definitely didn't mention any birds of his own."
"Isn't that that Ravenclaw you took to Hogsmeade last year?" At Remus's nod, James continues. "He did say she wasn’t good enough for you. Come to think of it, he hasn't looked at any girls in awhile. Merlin. Something really is wrong." As usual, they draw straws to see who gets to deal with Sirius. Remus gets the short straw.
"Great. I had to deal with that pouf all through Arithmancy and he drooled all over my notes. You owe me, Potter." Remus doesn't really mind talking to Sirius, even when he is in a mood. Still, not even Peter has cottoned on to their secret, and Remus intends to keep it that way. There's no reason to act differently- none at all.
Remus tries daily to convince himself that this is the case. He suspects it might be a losing battle.
Sirius has a revelation on his way to potions.
"Oh bloody hell, I am in love with Moony." He follows it with a few more.
"Shite. That means I am a pouf. ... Moony will beat me up if I tell him any of this. Bollocks. Peter would not believe any of this. James would just laugh and say I was having him on, good one Padfoot. Great. So I can't tell anyone about this. Sodding hell, I hate secrets."
Just then, Lily walks by. Something clicks in Sirius's brain, a memory of a pirate wench perhaps, and he accosts her.
"Lily. Lily. Lily Lily Lily. Pumpkin juice of my heart."
"Yes, Black? What is it? And if it's Potter asking me out again, you can tell him I am washing my hair from now until eternity."
"But you're not washing your hair- Oh never mind, this is not about that nut. I need to ask you something in all seriousness. It's very serious. You see, I- I've this friend, see, and he has come to the uh, conclusion that he is well, gay as a maypole and quite possibly in love with one of his best friends." Lily looks put out for a moment.
"So Potter's finally thrown me over for you? Well, I suppose this means that I can flirt with Remus now without him getting in trouble. I'm sure you two will be very happy together, you rotten bastards." Sirius groans into his hands. He had been doing so well lately at the thinking before acting. Now after only a few hours of restraint, he has made an absolute mess of things. Lily thinks he is in love with James, and has been flirting with Remus in secret. He’s not sure which is worse.
"Just tell him how you feel, Black, and I promise not to make fun of you for being a pouf. At least not until you've announced it to the entire world, which I'm sure will happen soon enough." She raises an eyebrow at Sirius's dumbfounded expression.
"Just... tell him? But he'll be angry at me."
"When is he not angry at you? Anyway, it's enormously selfish of you not to tell him. He deserves to know, since you are mates and all. Also, he'd pay more attention to you for awhile, and leave me alone. I might actually get some studying done with you nutters occupied." She smiles slightly and heads into the potions classroom.
"Right. Right. I'll do that." he says at her retreating back, and leans against the wall.
"This is madness," he mutters. "Always knew the inbreeding would catch up to me someday."
Lily is confused when James comes into the classroom and sits behind her, flicking bits of parchments at her. She figures it out when Remus and Sirius haven't appeared ten minutes into class.
Sirius nods at James and Peter as they pass by him into the classroom, and lifts his head up to see Remus staring at him with an armful of books. His books, Sirius realizes. He opens his mouth to thank Remus, but Remus is already off to the races.
"What is the matter with you Sirius? You have been acting as mad as the mad hatter all day, which is about two degrees more mad than normal, and I have had it up to here with you. Either tell me what's wrong or stop acting like you're in a strop, I can't take it anymore."
"You want to know what's the matter with me, Moony? Do you? Do you really?" Sirius's eyes flash angrily. "You're what's the sodding matter with me. Making me have these bloody FEELINGS and be all SOPPY. I feel like any second I'm going to grow a pair of tits! I thought we agreed that this wasn't anything important, just a bit of fun, and then two months later, here I am, sodding in love with you and I can't do anything about it, Remus. And then you start talking about BIRDS at breakfast. As if I want to talk about birds! And then you're going to ask Natalie to Hogsmeade after you'd already asked me! Do you know how that makes me feel? Do you know how you make me feel? Stupid! I feel like a bloody pouf, Moony."
"You are a bloody pouf Pads! Haven't you been listening to yourself? Apparently you're in love with me! Did you just wake up this morning and realize this? You did, didn't you! This is ridiculous. You can't mean it. You'll be fawning over someone new tomorrow."
"That's unfair, and you know it. I've been with you two months, and I haven't so much as looked at anyone else. And you know why? Because I haven't wanted to, because apparently I 'm a bloody pouf that's sodding in love with you."
"This is possibly the least romantic confession of love I have ever heard, and I've heard ninety-two of James's confessions to Lily. Well done Sirius."
"Well, what was I supposed to do? Bring you flowers and chocolate and a 'sorry, I didn't realize I was a pouf and in love with you until now' card? I don't even think they make those."
The card was the last straw. Remus burst out in peals of laughter, unable to contain himself any longer.
"This isn't funny, Remus! Stop it! Stop or I'll-" Sirius followed suit, unable to finish his sentence without laughing. After a few minutes, sides aching, Sirius looked at Remus.
"It is true though, you know. And if I was going to stop, I would've by now." He looked imploringly at Remus, a dog begging his master for a treat. Remus ran shaking fingers through his sandy brown hair.
"I know, Pads." He turned to look down the corridor. "Hallway's clear, we should be getting back."
"Have you not heard anything I've said? Sod going to class, this is important!"
"What do you expect me to say, Sirius? That I'll love you forever? I'm not even sure I like you sometimes. But I'm not going anywhere. I'm here, and I'm your Moony, and if that's not enough of an answer for you, then maybe I will take Natalie to Hogsmeade." Remus strode firmly down the hall, pausing to look over his shoulder. "You coming, Pads?"
"Always."
Remus slowed, stopped, and looked. "You really are serious, aren't you." he murmured.
"Yes, I'm serious, you bloody pouf. I wouldn't care half so much if it wasn't you. I love you." Sirius bites his lip, hard, and Remus can see the blood waiting to burst forth. "I know we said this wasn't serious, and nothing good could come of it, but- Moony, I want something good to come of it. I want a happy ending. With you, as daft as that sounds. Oh god, I have gone mad."
Remus runs a thumb over Sirius's lip. "The inbreeding's finally caught up with you lot." he says, not unkindly, and is rewarded with a crooked smile.
"You know, I was just saying that myself earlier." Sirius says, and loops an arm around Remus, leading him into class. It is not the ending Sirius might have chosen, but he has learned to wait. Patience and restraint have their uses while burrowing into Remus Lupin's heart.
That night, Sirius Black received his happy ending behind closed bed curtains when Remus J. Lupin murmured "I love you too" instead of a cleaning charm.
And they both hoped for a happily ever after.
A/N (02.03.07): HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. This fic killed me. Killed me dead. It was supposed to be more angsty, I think, and then the pirate dream just kind of fit and I was like, "okay, comic relief," and then they were like, "NO. NO MORE FIC unless we get a happy ending."
You can start to see how OCD my Remus secretly is in here. Also, Sirius barking in his sleep. That is still one of my favorite things ever. Because he is so vain, and knowing that he barks in his sleep would just kill him. It would be worse than telling someone they snore, I think.
Remus is the link to muggle culture that they all have, but his parents just strike me as being old and hopelessly behind the times, so that is why they are still talking about Twiggy. Well, that and she is AWESOME.
Oh James, falling for the same trick every morning. Oh Sirius, for being of the crazy. He is too crazy, but it is starting to occur to him that he is totally in Luuuuuuurve. Sucker.
Pirate dream. Obviously I have reached new depths of insanity. It just keeps getting worse. And more cliched. AND CRACK. CRACK. I do not think I missed a cliche though, so that is excellent. Poor Remus, having to be the girl. (although Sirius has to be the girl in the insane AU that will end up being novel length that I am working on now, so, I think he might be worse off.)
Lily's pirate name came from the pirate name generator. Too bad they didn't give her a better one. And then we bust out the actual pirate knowledge (thanks doredy! who still hasn't forgiven me for the parrot business. Sorry dude. Did I mention this fic drove me insane?)
This is the longest crack!fic interlude ever. I am bad at plots, if this pirate dream tells you anything.
Aww, Marauder banter makes me happy. Also that the pirate dream is over, which while was good in theory, took on a life of its own and sort of makes the fic drag, which bothers me. Still.
I am insane and soppy and love happy endings. Obviously. Frankly, even reading this fic over again just reminds me of how insane I am. OH WELL.
I listened to a lot of Curvise while writing this. The entire Domestica album really reminds me of Remus and Sirius, hence the name of the fic. Although it was supposed to be far more angsty and follow the album's plot a little more, but again. I am soppy and a sucker for a happy ending.
Fandom: Harry Potter
Characters/Pairing: Remus/Sirius, slight Lily/James if you blink sideways and upside down.
Rating: R
Spoilers: None that I can think of?
Word Count: 6,372
Summary: In which there are are dreams of pirates and happy endings, and implied porn (with people over 18!! OVER 18!!! everyone in this journal is always over 18 if sexy fun times are being had! Even when they aren't! They're still over 18! ...that parrot is positively geriatric!)
AN: (I wish this flowed better, but I am so sick of struggling with it. Sirius took over the story halfway through and DRAGGED ME DOWN INTO THE INSANITY. I still have not recovered enough to edit the prose properly. It's been years.)
Disclaimer: Characters are not mine, for which I am glad because they are INSANE.
They are tangled in bed sheets that only one of them owns, their limbs frantic and thrashing, their pulses racing. A silencing charm has been cast, but they are still quiet, so quiet, lips pressing against skin, hands fumbling in the darkness and then release. Trousers are unzipped and cast aside, the pace quickens to something past frantic that only two teenaged boys can achieve. It is one, two, three, and Sirius feels it, feels it deep inside, and murmurs, "Oh, Remus!" as he comes.
They lie panting afterwards, side by side on Remus's bed. Sirius turns to half face his lover and throws an easy arm around his middle. Remus says nothing, instead using a cleaning charm to get rid of the wet spot underneath them. When Sirius speaks, it isn’t epitaphs of love or devotion, just a casual “that was pretty brill, mate.” This can’t end happily, they both know.
Sometime during the night, Sirius returns to his own bed. Remus, who is used to waking up alone, prefers it this way. Sirius snores, he thinks. His limbs are all over the bed, and sometimes he barks. He barks in his sleep! So yes, Remus is glad when Sirius leaves, so he can sleep, he thinks to himself (as if there was any other kind of thinking than thinking to oneself.) Stop it, he thinks fiercely, or else I’ll be going mad!
Remus stops thinking, and pulls the curtains back. He is first to rise, as usual, and glances at the morning sun shining through the curtains as he dresses for the coming day. Pants, an undershirt, trousers, one button down, a neatly knotted tie, one jumper, two socks, two shoes, and his robes, Remus lists. Everything is in place. He pins his Prefect badge on his robes, gathers his things, and heads out of the room before the others have even woken.
Sirius listens to Remus get ready every morning. He knows Moony thinks he is asleep, but ever since their first night together, Sirius knows with some innate instinct when Remus awakens, and crashes into consciousness seconds after. He finds this disturbing and intimate, far more intimate than he and Moony are supposed to be, so he creeps off to his own bed before Moony can figure out his secret. As he hears Remus leave the room, he rolls over and stuffs his face into the pillow. This can’t be happening, he thinks, this isn’t real!
Sirius crawls out from under his pillows fifteen minutes later, grabs the first clothing that comes to hand, sniffs it, and then shuffles into the bathroom and has an early morning wank.
After a shower, Sirius feels better. More civilized, somehow, more like a person that Remus J. Lupin could love. Sirius has always wanted Remus to like him, but he is ignorant to when the overwhelming need to have Remus love him occurred. He doesn’t give a rat’s ass if Peter loves him, or James (although he likes that they like him, because they are fairly brilliant to play pranks with.) But Remus? Remus matters to Sirius, and this is the first time that anyone has mattered in such an important way.
Sirius brushes his teeth, and hears Remus come back in from the prefects bath. He must have forgotten something, Sirius thinks, and is startled when a sandy head pops into the bathroom and asks, “Allright Pads? Coming to breakfast?” Sirius nods mutely, the toothbrush still in his mouth. He must look a fright, he thinks, white foam everywhere. Remus stares at him two seconds longer, and then steps outside to lean against the wall there. Sirius hurriedly finishes, spitting out the foul paste (why, why, why did Remus have to seem him like that?) and rinsing out his mouth. He finishes by splashing cold water on his face, and dripping, he steps outside the bathroom and grins. Remus just looks, raising his eyebrows and saying nothing. Sirius grabs an arm and wipes his wet face on Moony’s robe.
“Ooooh, Get off Padfoot! You’re getting me all wet!” he shrieks, not unlike a girl. Sirius grins and nuzzles his nose into Remus’s neck before letting go.
“Getting you wet, hm? I like the sound of that,” Sirius laughs, a short barklike laugh that reminds Remus of the dog inside Sirius. He remembers Sirius howling at the full moon, and joining in. Pack, he thinks. Sirius is pack, and so Remus does not get mad, and allows Sirius to sling an arm around his shoulders and lead him off to tea and toast and sausages.
Friday morning breakfast is unpopulated. Few students like getting up early on a Friday to eat a full breakfast- most just grab toast or an apple on their way to class. Remus prefers it this way, the normally bustling hall quiet, and enough solitude for reading. Needless to say, Sirius does not. Padfoot likes motion, action, activity, anything that creates chaos or chaos can be created in. It is too easy to disturb the peace on Friday mornings, and too easy to get caught doing it. No one worth pranking gets up this early anyway.
Remus takes his tea with two sugars and one cream. Sirius has been drinking coffee this year, black like his name. Remus suspects Sirius drinks the coffee to annoy his parents, but Sirius says that coffee is continental, baby. All he needs to be one of those beat poets is a black turtleneck and a beret. Well, that and a beat.
“I didn’t know you had an inclination to be part of muggle America, Pads,” Remus jokes as Sirius sips his coffee.
“Oh, you know me, I’m all about anything that gets the birds,” he winks. They both know it's true- Sirius does many things just to get attention. It's just the right person isn't always paying attention.
“You want one of those crazy mod girls with the giant sunglasses then?” Remus asks coolly, aware that his (and by extension, Sirius's,) knowledge of muggle pop culture is a decade behind the times.
“Nah, mod girls are so last decade." Sirius accurately notes. "One of those hippie chicks with the long hair, eh?” They both watch, amused, as a fifth year suddenly flees from the table, no doubt to spread the word on Sirius Black’s current likes and dislikes. Sirius leans over to steal a sausage off Remus’s plate, and uses the opportunity to murmur in Remus’s ear, “no, you know what I like.” Smirking, he eats the sausage in a rather obscene fashion, and Remus blushes, remembering last Thursday in the Charms classroom. There are advantages to being a prefect.
“I don’t know, I always rather liked the look of that model, what was her name? Twig or something. Had those short skirts and big sunglasses- Marvelous.”
“Oh yeah, that bird was right fit, she was. You've good taste in women, Moony. Explains why you haven’t dated a bird in years, what with the way things are around here.”
“Well, I suppose I shouldn’t tell you that I snogged Lily Evans last weekend then. Might ruin your fantasy of me not dating.” Remus smirked.
“You didn’t. James would kill you!” Sirius looks murderous.
“Sorry mate, just having you on. Eat your toast.” he calmly says as he sips his tea. Sirius eats his toast crusts sulkily.
"You're right though, it has been years since I've had a date. Perhaps I should do something about that. Ask Natalie to Hogsmeade again." Remus sighs. Sirius whines, a low, almost inaudible whine and then James and Peter stumble in, still half asleep.
“Caffeine, Moony. Caffeine.” To say that James does not deal well with mornings would be an understatement. He slides in next to Remus on the bench and is passed a cup of coffee by a sympathetic Sirius. James takes a sip while Peter sits down next to Sirius, grabbing a plate of sausages and a bowl of porridge. Remus continues to sip at the last of his tea, waiting for the scene that occurs every morning. Sure enough, James looks down at his cup after draining half of it.
“What in the... Padfoot! What is this shite? You gave me your bloody black coffee again?” A piece of toast is thrown and Peter is only halfway through his porridge. A counter attack with a sausage goes over James’s head and lands in Snape’s hair.
“Oh, spot on Sirius,” Peter says around a mouthful. “You got Snape in the head.”
“Oh happy day! Happy day Moony, for I have defended your virtue against Snivellus this happy morning and it is not even time for our first class already! I am a god among men,” he cries, leaping from the table and gathering his books. Remus, for all he thinks that Sirius is quite mad, agrees with the fleeing of the scene, and follows Sirius off.
“Ta, lads! The fair lady Remus and I shall see you in classes, but parting is such sweet sorrow and all that muggle nonsense Moony keeps reading to us!” Sirius dramatizes, and prances out of the Great Hall. Remus follows at a more sedate pace for their Arithmancy class, mumbling about how he wasn't aware his virtue had been threatened and also, he is no lady, Sirius, thank you for remembering. James stares, slightly dumbfounded at his best friend's odd behavior, and Peter snickers into his toast.
Sirius knows he is acting strange, even for him, but he can’t help it. He is afraid that if he stops acting normal, or this bizarre hyperbolic version of normal, then everything will come rushing out. Everything he thinks in the early morning hours, like the way Sirius can see Remus mentally making a list of everything he is supposed to be wearing as he dresses; the way that his sausages taste better with Moony sitting across from him talking about birds (as if either of them liked birds right now- Sirius desperately hopes this is the case;) the way he wants to drag Remus behind that statue and have his wicked way with him before class, and possibly during and after class too, despite his morning wank. Sirius is afraid that everything would rush out in a great big rush of feelings, and boys do not talk about feelings, especially not boys like Sirius.
If boys like Sirius talked about feelings, then the world would simply cease to exist, Sirius thinks. He is a man’s man, he likes Quidditch and firewhiskey and not talking about feelings. So why is it that being around Remus, quiet controlled Remus, makes Sirius want to spill all his feelings? Bollocks, he thinks, I am a girl.
Sirius is uncharacteristically quiet all the way to class. Remus is perturbed. Sirius has been acting strangely all morning. One moment he is manic, even more Sirius than normal, and then he slips into quiet. Remus Lupin is quiet. Sometimes Lily Evans is quiet, especially when one James Potter is not around. Even James is quiet, occasionally. But Sirius Black is not quiet. Something is wrong, Remus decides.
This knowledge motivates Remus. He passes Sirius a note during class that reads simply “What’s wrong?” Sirius looks at it, looks at Remus, and looks at it again.
“nothing’s wrong. what’s wrong with you, passing notes in class?” the return note reads.
“You have been acting strangely all morning, which prompted my earlier note. I am sorry if my uncharacteristic behavior caused you to think that something was wrong with me, but I can assure you I am fine. I was just worried, that’s all.”
“worried. pah. you are a girl.” Remus refuses to respond to this libel. Sirius pokes him in the side with a quill, but Remus will not be deterred. He is taking notes now, thank you, and is paying attention.
Sirius has never been able to pay attention in class, so it is not very surprising when his mind wanders again.
‘I wonder if what it would be like to be one of those mad beatnik poet people that Moony is always on about. Rather boring, I’d suspect. Still, all the coffee I could drink wouldn’t be half bad. And that snapping could be fun. But poetry... No. That is for girls. I’ll have to come up with something else to be.’
Sirius runs through possible muggle professions in his head. ‘One of those actors in muggle films? I do have the dashing good looks, and it would be spot on to have even more screaming fans, but they have to wear powder and girly bits. Hmm. Perhaps a rock star? Oh, no, that’s probably worse. Some of them wear the girly stuff that lines their eyes AND leather trousers. Not on. Although leather trousers are dead sexy without that liney stuff. Like to see Moony in a pair of those. But rock stars do get to go on tour. Hmm. Still. Liney stuff not on.'
The thoughts in Sirius's head slow down to a treacle pace. 'I suppose I’ll just have to become a pirate then. They sail the seas, so loads of adventure, which is ace, and all the birds, gold, and drink one can handle. And it is very manly to be a pirate, even with the tights. Surely all pirates do not wear tights. Will have to ask Remus.’
When Remus looks over, Sirius is fast asleep.
Sirius is having a dream where he is a pirate captain. He has the outfit, and the parrot, which has an odd tendency to speak in James's voice, and Lily Evans of all people is his first mate, attired in a fetching pirate wench number. Sirius is not surprised when the parrot flies over to her shoulder to perch. Peter, apparently, is a chef with a peg leg, and the ship has a reputation for being the fastest on the sea. Their ship and crew, aptly named the marauding belle, has a fierce rivalry with the s.s. slimy slytherins, of which his cousin Bellatrix (not his cousin in the dream, but a jilted ex lover) is captain. Sirius is always amazed on waking with the complex history his dreamscape provides, but, still- Remus is nowhere to be found.
Sirius realizes that this is because Remus is not a member on board the ship, but in fact a waitress at the local dive who Captain Black is apparently having an affair with. Remus's name has inexplicably become Susie, but he is still Remus. He glances at Remus's now long hair, braided neatly, and then down at his impressive heaving breasts, before sighing, "This dream is arsed up. You are not a girl."
Remus-who-is-not-Remus-but-a-sodding-girl, nods. "But you'll still end up ravishing me before the dream is over, won't you." Sirius swallows, as Almost-Remus's breasts threaten to spill over the top of her low-cut gown. He sips his whisky, to calm the raging beast perhaps, and stares intently at the hazel eyes. Remus smiles (for a moment, his own face and not the face of the traitorous Susie,) and then leans over the bar to service another customer.
Sirius finds this dream disturbing. Mostly because he is aware it is a dream, and yet can't wake himself up from it. Also, Sirius is wearing tights. He feels a bit like a pouf. This was not how he had imagined his life of piracy. Remus was supposed to be his first mate, not a bloody bar wench with heaving breasts and shiny hair with hordes of admirers. Sirius also wanted to inquire within his subconscious where it had come up with the name Susie for Remus. Couldn't he have come up with an interesting name for girl-Remus, at least? Couldn't anything interesting happen in this arsed up dream? Something that pirates were actually supposed to do?
Bugger. He was out of whisky, and Remus was-
Hang it, Remus was nowhere to found. And there was Bellatrix, stealing out the bar with a wink, and oh, that was that a muffled scream on Susie's part? Sirius suspects it might be.
"To the ship, you scurvy dogs! They've plundered me beauty!" He yells, finally surrendering to the dream.
Remus regards the sleeping figure next to him, who seems to be murmuring something like "avast, me mateys!" and pokes him in the side with his quill. Sirius shifts, grumbles, and turns his head away from Remus so that his ear lands in a small puddle of drool. This doesn't seem to phase sleeping Sirius, who continues twitching slightly, still wrapped in his dream. Remus tears his eyes away from the curl above the drool covered ear and resumes taking notes. One of them has to, after all.
Still, he risks another glance, and smiles.
Sirius is not smiling. Lily- with some ridiculous name like First Mate Lily Eric the Honest Wench- is insisting that this is a stupid mission. "She's just a girl, Sirius!" she hisses, green eyes flashing angrily. "You have one in every port!"
Sirius shakes his head. "You don't understand, Lil-Honest Wench. She's me wench, and I'll have her back. Bellatrix has slighted the entire crew by this, and I'll not have it. This is a vengeful action of me cousin's, and I shan't give her rein of the seas over it, nor my future bride." The parrot squawks in indignation. Lily's eyes flash, a previously unseen emotion held within, and then dull.
"If that's how it's to be then." she nods, and then straightens. "Best put it to a vote. And tell them what you told me. You'll not neglect protocol, even for her."
Sirius had forgotten that a pirate's life was a democratic one. Good thing he was good at persuading people, he reflected.
"All right lads," he bellowed, as the parrot nuzzled Lily's neck. Sirius stared at it for a moment, bewildered, and then remembered that Susi- Remus, was at stake.
Remus looked down at Sirius, who was muttering quite loudly now. Remus could make out one in every three words or so, and it appeared to be some sort of inspirational pirate speech? Definitely not about Arithmancy, which would at least keep their professor from getting too angry. He poked Sirius with his quill again. Sirius grumbled, and moved further away from Remus, but at least he was quieter now. Remus brushed away a curl from Padfoot's ear and resumed note taking.
With his rousing speech made, Sirius is ready to set sail. Lily is counting the votes. The parrot, Rotter, is squawking, probably annoyed that Lily is not paying attention. Sirius paces. He knows he is going with or without the crew, and the anticipation is torture. Sirius hates inaction, and waiting, even if it is for something that might benefit his myriad causes, has always reeked of inaction to him.
Lily is still counting. Sirius is still pacing. Peter is swabbing the deck, with a Ravenclaw tie tied around his head. When asked, he claims it be his thinking tie, that helps him prepare menus for the week that include plenty of vitamin c so no one gets scurvy. Peter knows more than most give him credit for, but Sirius still doesn’t care about scurvy or lack thereof. He is more interested in the results of Lily’s counting and the giant octopus looming on the horizon.
“Lils,” he says, as the octopus speedily draws nearer. “Lils, there is a giant octopus headed our way. You haven’t picked up another animal admirer, have you?” The parrot lets out an angry squawk.
“So what if I have! It’s not like I encourage them, and at least they like me, unlike most humans! And I’m trying to count your stupid votes, so will you be quiet?” She glares at him and then resumes counting the ballots. 37 for yes, 12 for no, and a small pile left. The parrot is still squawking, and she attempts to brush him off her shoulder, but he is having none of that.
“Lily, Lily, Lily. There is a GIANT OCTOPUS that is COMING THIS WAY, and I am supposed to be calm about it? That thing is large enough to wreak the ship, wench!” Sirius is not calm. Sirius hates inaction, and every molecule in his body is now screaming for action.
“Snapey won’t do any harm. He’s as gentle as a dolphin.” The parrot was flapping his wings indignantly. Sirius was about ready to make Rotter walk the plank if he kept this up. Probably send Lily too if she didn’t bleeding hurry up. No matter what Lily said, a giant octopus was still a giant octopus, and Sirius didn’t need no giant octopi interfering when he had a lady love to save. Also, there was some plundering that could be done after they fetched Remus from the evil clutches of Mad Barmy Bella. Sirius liked plundering. And rum. And Remus. Perhaps he could enjoy all three later, but that required doing something, anything, and Lily was still counting. Sirius was about ready to walk the plank himself.
“All right. So that’s 56 for yes, and 17 for no. Did you vote twice, Sirius?” Sirius’s poker face is failing him. “Sirius! That’s unethical!”
“Ethics? Rem-Susie is missing, there’s a giant octopus that has probably pleasured you with its tentacles bearing down on us, and you want to talk about ethics? We’re PIRATES. Pirates don’t HAVE ethics!” Sirius looks up, his face contorted with fury.
Sirius finds that Lily is wearing coconuts on her head, Peter appears to have a bra made of coconuts on, and Rotter has stopped squawking and is reciting epic love poems to the fourth freckle down on Lily's neck. Sirius, realizing that he and the giant octopus are possibly the only sane ones left on the boat, turns to say so. Strangely enough, the giant octopus has vanished, leaving Sirius to wonder if he has gone mad.
And then the dancing puppet things appear and Sirius knows he has.
"What the bloody berk is cabin fever?" he shouts at Lily over the din.
"I don't know, but the song is catchy, isn't it?" she smiles, and twirls him around. He looks at her horrified, and realizes they are halfway to Bellatrix's super secret cave fortress of evil doom and other fun stuff, which Bellatrix had told him the location of in the throes of passion, that one time.
It's halfway through Arithmancy, and Remus wonders if he should wake Sirius up from his nap. The drool is spreading, and Remus is starting to fear for his notes. Still, Sirius looks so intent on whatever dream he is having, and Remus is loathe to continue their earlier conversation. He resolves to check back in fifteen minutes.
"Lily. Lils? LILY." Sirius is worried. Lily is making some strange facial expressions, and Rotter is no where to be found. And her skirts are moving strangely, almost like- dear lord. It couldn't be. She wouldn't, would she? Sirius does not want to contemplate. Good thing they are at Bellatrix's super secret cave fortress of evil doom and other fun stuff, then.
"Lily. What in the world is that bird doing to you?" Lily looks up, startled. Her face is flushed and her hair is in more disarray than normal. Sirius hopes it was the wind blowing in her hair. Yes, and on her face. That still doesn't explain why there is a parrot shaped lump in Lily's skirts. "Never mind, I don't want to know. Whatever that bird is doing there, it'll have to wait. We are here, and I need a cunning plan to save Rem-Susie from possible doom at the hands of my cousi-er, jilted ex-lover."
Lily stares at him. "What makes you think I would have a cunning plan? I am not the brains of the operation. I am here to be hit on by your parrot and look pretty, effectively distracting any and all males that are not on our crew so you can loot and plunder them." Sirius just stares in disbelief as she smoothes out her skirts.
"Oh fine. My plan is... we walk in, grab Susie, and leave. How's that for a cunning plan?" Sirius, never one for waiting for a better plan of action, nodded in assent.
"Sounds like a cunning plan to me. Perhaps you should have been a Slytherin, Lils. Well, all right, it's not terribly cunning, but it's the best plan we've got so far, and I'm not waiting for another one, so let's be off."
When Sirius wakes, he never remembers this part of the dream clearly. It is just a blur of sneaking and sword fighting and chopping Remus down from a pole and dancing monkeys and beautiful Lily, with her eyes flashing and her sword dancing. He thinks it is strange that she seems more suited for the pirate life than he, for she has never seemed swashbuckling outside of his dreams, but here she holds her own with the best of them, nimble feet moving as she laughs and fells another foe. He is glad she is on his side for once, the once he never seems to get in real life.
Although if that means he never has to see her have sex with a parrot, he thinks it is a fair trade off.
Susie swoons, and he catches her. Her gown is torn in several places, her hair is loose around her face, and her breasts are heaving. She murmurs, "my hero!" as if she were in a trashy romance novel, and perhaps they are, for Sirius is proclaiming, "True love conquers all" as he threads one of his hands in her sandy brown hair.
Just as Sirius is about to make the same noises he was making last night, Remus gives him a mighty shove so he goes sprawling across the floor behind their desk. Sirius can only blink for a few seconds, disoriented at the rude awakening. He crawls back into his seat as the professor lets class out.
"Sus- I mean, Remus, did I- did I sleep through class? And why did you wake me, I was having a nice dream. Bit odd, but still rather nice." Sirius wipes his face with the back of his hand.
"Because class was over, and you were also starting to make positively obscene noises. Nice dream my arse. Pornographic is more like it." Remus has shoved his notes into his bag hastily and is heading off to Charms. Sirius follows, two steps behind, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.
Sirius hardly eats at lunch, and he has not taken any notes the entire day, Remus calculates at half past noon. He has been talking about birds more than usual, and not just girl birds, there was definitely talk of parrots five minutes ago. When Lily comes over to ask Remus about the Potions assignment, Sirius is cordial and doesn’t wind her or James up.
“Sirius,” he hisses, after Lily has left. “What is the matter with you? You were just nice to Lily. You didn’t wind up James while she was here.”
“Moony’s right, mate. What is the matter with you?” James adds.
“Nothing is the matter with me. Can’t a bloke enjoy his sausages in peace?” Sirius whines.
“You haven’t eaten any sausages.” Remus mentions.
“We’ve having Shepard’s Pie.” James lobbies.
“Which you haven’t eaten any of either.” Peter joins in.
“So that excuse is invalid.” Remus smiles.
"You're all nutters. I'm going to potions." Sirius storms off, leaving his books behind. He wishes he could tell them what was wrong, but Sirius knows that Remus would only get angry about it. They're supposed to be casual, and secret, and only for the dead of night, but Sirius isn't one to abide by the rules for long. Yet he holds himself back- this secret he will keep.
It's become normal for him to hold himself back ever since the guilt set in last year. Not for what he did to Snape- he'd do that again in a second, whiny sniveling evil git- but for what he almost did to Remus, and what he had done to their friendship. He had never considered before the fact that Remus mattered- he was there, wasn't he? They were mates, weren't they? James was his brother, Remus was his mate, and Peter was, well, Peter. That was just how things were, and Sirius had no reason to think on it. Not when there were pranks to be played and sausages to be eaten.
And one balmy March night, Sirius found reason under the full moon.
Remus did not talk to him for two months after that. The wolf snarled and bit at Padfoot in the shack if he entered. Even now when he enters, he is greeted with a snarl, followed by the slightest of permissions to enter. Even when Remus lets him into his bed, Sirius can see the slight reserve and restraint on the slender boy's face. Remus doesn't trust him like he once did. There's no way that Remus would trust that Sirius means it when he says "I love you."
So Sirius doesn't say anything, and forgets his books at the table when he storms off to potions.
The remaining marauders confer with each other.
"Do you think he had a letter from his family?" Peter asks.
"No, he didn't get any owls at breakfast." Remus says around a bite.
"Is it a bird then? Do you know, Prongs?"
"He hasn't mentioned any birds to me. Hasn't really been chatting anyone up lately either. Has he talked to you at all Moony?"
"We were talking about birds at breakfast, and I mentioned I was going to ask Natalie to Hogsmeade and he got all queer. And he definitely didn't mention any birds of his own."
"Isn't that that Ravenclaw you took to Hogsmeade last year?" At Remus's nod, James continues. "He did say she wasn’t good enough for you. Come to think of it, he hasn't looked at any girls in awhile. Merlin. Something really is wrong." As usual, they draw straws to see who gets to deal with Sirius. Remus gets the short straw.
"Great. I had to deal with that pouf all through Arithmancy and he drooled all over my notes. You owe me, Potter." Remus doesn't really mind talking to Sirius, even when he is in a mood. Still, not even Peter has cottoned on to their secret, and Remus intends to keep it that way. There's no reason to act differently- none at all.
Remus tries daily to convince himself that this is the case. He suspects it might be a losing battle.
Sirius has a revelation on his way to potions.
"Oh bloody hell, I am in love with Moony." He follows it with a few more.
"Shite. That means I am a pouf. ... Moony will beat me up if I tell him any of this. Bollocks. Peter would not believe any of this. James would just laugh and say I was having him on, good one Padfoot. Great. So I can't tell anyone about this. Sodding hell, I hate secrets."
Just then, Lily walks by. Something clicks in Sirius's brain, a memory of a pirate wench perhaps, and he accosts her.
"Lily. Lily. Lily Lily Lily. Pumpkin juice of my heart."
"Yes, Black? What is it? And if it's Potter asking me out again, you can tell him I am washing my hair from now until eternity."
"But you're not washing your hair- Oh never mind, this is not about that nut. I need to ask you something in all seriousness. It's very serious. You see, I- I've this friend, see, and he has come to the uh, conclusion that he is well, gay as a maypole and quite possibly in love with one of his best friends." Lily looks put out for a moment.
"So Potter's finally thrown me over for you? Well, I suppose this means that I can flirt with Remus now without him getting in trouble. I'm sure you two will be very happy together, you rotten bastards." Sirius groans into his hands. He had been doing so well lately at the thinking before acting. Now after only a few hours of restraint, he has made an absolute mess of things. Lily thinks he is in love with James, and has been flirting with Remus in secret. He’s not sure which is worse.
"Just tell him how you feel, Black, and I promise not to make fun of you for being a pouf. At least not until you've announced it to the entire world, which I'm sure will happen soon enough." She raises an eyebrow at Sirius's dumbfounded expression.
"Just... tell him? But he'll be angry at me."
"When is he not angry at you? Anyway, it's enormously selfish of you not to tell him. He deserves to know, since you are mates and all. Also, he'd pay more attention to you for awhile, and leave me alone. I might actually get some studying done with you nutters occupied." She smiles slightly and heads into the potions classroom.
"Right. Right. I'll do that." he says at her retreating back, and leans against the wall.
"This is madness," he mutters. "Always knew the inbreeding would catch up to me someday."
Lily is confused when James comes into the classroom and sits behind her, flicking bits of parchments at her. She figures it out when Remus and Sirius haven't appeared ten minutes into class.
Sirius nods at James and Peter as they pass by him into the classroom, and lifts his head up to see Remus staring at him with an armful of books. His books, Sirius realizes. He opens his mouth to thank Remus, but Remus is already off to the races.
"What is the matter with you Sirius? You have been acting as mad as the mad hatter all day, which is about two degrees more mad than normal, and I have had it up to here with you. Either tell me what's wrong or stop acting like you're in a strop, I can't take it anymore."
"You want to know what's the matter with me, Moony? Do you? Do you really?" Sirius's eyes flash angrily. "You're what's the sodding matter with me. Making me have these bloody FEELINGS and be all SOPPY. I feel like any second I'm going to grow a pair of tits! I thought we agreed that this wasn't anything important, just a bit of fun, and then two months later, here I am, sodding in love with you and I can't do anything about it, Remus. And then you start talking about BIRDS at breakfast. As if I want to talk about birds! And then you're going to ask Natalie to Hogsmeade after you'd already asked me! Do you know how that makes me feel? Do you know how you make me feel? Stupid! I feel like a bloody pouf, Moony."
"You are a bloody pouf Pads! Haven't you been listening to yourself? Apparently you're in love with me! Did you just wake up this morning and realize this? You did, didn't you! This is ridiculous. You can't mean it. You'll be fawning over someone new tomorrow."
"That's unfair, and you know it. I've been with you two months, and I haven't so much as looked at anyone else. And you know why? Because I haven't wanted to, because apparently I 'm a bloody pouf that's sodding in love with you."
"This is possibly the least romantic confession of love I have ever heard, and I've heard ninety-two of James's confessions to Lily. Well done Sirius."
"Well, what was I supposed to do? Bring you flowers and chocolate and a 'sorry, I didn't realize I was a pouf and in love with you until now' card? I don't even think they make those."
The card was the last straw. Remus burst out in peals of laughter, unable to contain himself any longer.
"This isn't funny, Remus! Stop it! Stop or I'll-" Sirius followed suit, unable to finish his sentence without laughing. After a few minutes, sides aching, Sirius looked at Remus.
"It is true though, you know. And if I was going to stop, I would've by now." He looked imploringly at Remus, a dog begging his master for a treat. Remus ran shaking fingers through his sandy brown hair.
"I know, Pads." He turned to look down the corridor. "Hallway's clear, we should be getting back."
"Have you not heard anything I've said? Sod going to class, this is important!"
"What do you expect me to say, Sirius? That I'll love you forever? I'm not even sure I like you sometimes. But I'm not going anywhere. I'm here, and I'm your Moony, and if that's not enough of an answer for you, then maybe I will take Natalie to Hogsmeade." Remus strode firmly down the hall, pausing to look over his shoulder. "You coming, Pads?"
"Always."
Remus slowed, stopped, and looked. "You really are serious, aren't you." he murmured.
"Yes, I'm serious, you bloody pouf. I wouldn't care half so much if it wasn't you. I love you." Sirius bites his lip, hard, and Remus can see the blood waiting to burst forth. "I know we said this wasn't serious, and nothing good could come of it, but- Moony, I want something good to come of it. I want a happy ending. With you, as daft as that sounds. Oh god, I have gone mad."
Remus runs a thumb over Sirius's lip. "The inbreeding's finally caught up with you lot." he says, not unkindly, and is rewarded with a crooked smile.
"You know, I was just saying that myself earlier." Sirius says, and loops an arm around Remus, leading him into class. It is not the ending Sirius might have chosen, but he has learned to wait. Patience and restraint have their uses while burrowing into Remus Lupin's heart.
That night, Sirius Black received his happy ending behind closed bed curtains when Remus J. Lupin murmured "I love you too" instead of a cleaning charm.
And they both hoped for a happily ever after.
A/N (02.03.07): HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. This fic killed me. Killed me dead. It was supposed to be more angsty, I think, and then the pirate dream just kind of fit and I was like, "okay, comic relief," and then they were like, "NO. NO MORE FIC unless we get a happy ending."
You can start to see how OCD my Remus secretly is in here. Also, Sirius barking in his sleep. That is still one of my favorite things ever. Because he is so vain, and knowing that he barks in his sleep would just kill him. It would be worse than telling someone they snore, I think.
Remus is the link to muggle culture that they all have, but his parents just strike me as being old and hopelessly behind the times, so that is why they are still talking about Twiggy. Well, that and she is AWESOME.
Oh James, falling for the same trick every morning. Oh Sirius, for being of the crazy. He is too crazy, but it is starting to occur to him that he is totally in Luuuuuuurve. Sucker.
Pirate dream. Obviously I have reached new depths of insanity. It just keeps getting worse. And more cliched. AND CRACK. CRACK. I do not think I missed a cliche though, so that is excellent. Poor Remus, having to be the girl. (although Sirius has to be the girl in the insane AU that will end up being novel length that I am working on now, so, I think he might be worse off.)
Lily's pirate name came from the pirate name generator. Too bad they didn't give her a better one. And then we bust out the actual pirate knowledge (thanks doredy! who still hasn't forgiven me for the parrot business. Sorry dude. Did I mention this fic drove me insane?)
This is the longest crack!fic interlude ever. I am bad at plots, if this pirate dream tells you anything.
Aww, Marauder banter makes me happy. Also that the pirate dream is over, which while was good in theory, took on a life of its own and sort of makes the fic drag, which bothers me. Still.
I am insane and soppy and love happy endings. Obviously. Frankly, even reading this fic over again just reminds me of how insane I am. OH WELL.
I listened to a lot of Curvise while writing this. The entire Domestica album really reminds me of Remus and Sirius, hence the name of the fic. Although it was supposed to be far more angsty and follow the album's plot a little more, but again. I am soppy and a sucker for a happy ending.