Title: More
Author: lucyberliner
Word Count: 839
Summary: Samantha won't let her girl down
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: None of this is real
Samantha had gone straight from working in a club to the airport in the early hours of the morning; she had not slept on the plane, kept awake by a whining toddler and the tightness of anxiety in her chest. Arriving in Los Angeles with the sun, she went to the rental car desk and stood in line feeling tired and crusty. She pulled out her blackberry and rang her girlfriend, her pulse quickening , just a little, just like always, waiting to hear that low and tender tone just for her. “Hey... hi.”
“Hi yourself. I’ve landed, just picking up the car”.
“You’re still coming? I’ve missed you. Did you have a good flight?” Lindsay could not disguise the eagerness in her voice and Samantha dismissed a fleeting thought of a cab ride home and going straight to bed. She would not let down her girl. She said “it was great, yep I’ll be there soon. In a couple of hours. I’ll call you when I get there.”
Lindsay said “I’ll see you soon babella” and there was a lengthy mutual pause which meant I love you and I hate to say goodbye.
Samantha hung up. She filled out the forms for her rental car, choosing an unobtrusive model and barely reading the form she signed. Taking the keys, she stopped to buy a Red Bull and walked to collect the car. She plugged her iPod in and chose a driving music playlist she had made. As she reached the 10 East, she turned the air conditioning down to cold to stave off sleep and lit a cigarette in disregard of the agreement she had signed at the rental car desk.
The traffic was heavy and Samantha felt slightly sick from lack of sleep. She thought about Lindsay: she’d been doing so well these past months. She looked great. She sounded great. In the brief times they had been together these past months, she had been like her old self. They had relaxed together and giggled - they’d had sweet, affectionate, playful sex and cuddled and talked about the future.
But the day when that future would be a reality was drawing closer and Samantha was scared. Lindsay had worked so hard to change, but for her part Samantha still felt trapped by the same weaknesses that she felt had failed their relationship. The crushing anxiety of being hounded by photographers, slandered in the press and verbally assaulted by strangers still made her sick with worry and rendered her incapable of being herself with Lindsay in public - and she felt ashamed because her girl deserved her support.
The pressure from Samantha’s family had its emotional toll too, she felt hurt by their refusal to accept Lindsay and yet she had done nothing to change this either. She feared that any fragile future she might have with Lindsay might once again be damaged.
How could it be that two people so hopelessly in love could have such a compromised relationship? The drugs, the bearding, the families, the jealously, the fights, the insanity of the tabloids. And in between the craziness, those perfect moments etched in her mind where the rest of the world did not exist, just Samantha and her lover’s smiling eyes, a compulsion to touch and an exchange of words that always led to the same hot, passionate place.
Mad love, shadow love, random love and abandoned love Samantha sang along with the stereo.
She thought about the happiness she had felt back when her family had accepted Lindsay. How proud she had felt on family occasions, bringing her girlfriend with her, this beautiful girl who wanted her, who loved her and wasn’t afraid to say it. Or to show it. Samantha’s heart swelled as she remembered pulling Lindsay onto her lap with a burst of affection at her brother’s birthday party and Lindsay giggling and hugging her. And later, kissing her for hours in the backseat of a car when they snuck off together to be alone.
The loud horn of a truck startled Samantha out of her reverie (what happened in that steamy backseat occupied her daydreams often). She realised with shock that she must have lost concentration and started to drift across lanes of traffic. She wound down the window and shook her head. Wake the fuck up, she said to herself, not wanting to drift off again.
The days slide by Samantha sang along some more, willing herself awake should have done, should have done, we all sigh... never thought I'd ever be so lonely, after such a long, long time. Time out of mind.
It had been hard these last few months, being apart. It had been exciting and beautiful the brief times they had been together. But now Lindsay was making things better in her life and Samantha would need to do the same. She thought, Lindsay deserves more, more than just stolen moments, more than just half my time. “I want more”, she said aloud “I want us to be more”.