14 May 2013
A dear friend of mine is journaling and meditating every morning. I think it is a good goal for me, too.
I know that journaling is very good for me. I do better on the days I talk to someone, write or email what's going on in my life.
The best thing about LJ is that I can publish from my iPhone and I also have control over my entries. If something is too raw or personal I can set the boundaries.
I'm having a really rough time. I've always held out hope that I could get therapy and I would be fine. Truth be told that isn't going to happen for me. Ever. I've settled on a diagnosis for myself and after thinking a lot I realize I have Complex PTSD.
Complex PTSD is different from PTSD in that with PTSD a person had a traumatic event, but it is does not last long. Perhaps a rape, car accident, a tour if duty in the military.
With Complex PTSD the survivor was in a situation of super intense trauma that lasts for years. POW's, domestic violence, the women in Cleveland who were held for ten years.
My childhood was pretty rough. I feel as if I were raised in a war zone. My father abused my mother and they both abused me. For much of my childhood I felt as if either one of my parents could or would kill me at any time. I never felt safe except the few months that we lived at my grandparents house before I started first grade. My brain is wired all wrong because of it. I have trouble functioning every day. Sometimes it is better than others, but as I get older it gets worse. I think that is because the amount of stress I am under and because I'm in my mid 40's and do not have the physical energy I used to have.
C-PTSD is why I really don't fit in any diagnosis and I have trouble finding a therapist who can meet my needs. It is the reason my faith failed me. My current therapist is great, but lately I wonder if we both are frustrated. I'm far far far too hard on myself. To the point where I cannot function. I've also been in a fog or daze the last few weeks. I don't know what I am thinking or feeling. I'm feeling that I'm starting to move out of the fog.
Actually feeling in a fog is part of the C-PTSD and it is called disassociation. I am going to read more about it. I think the reason my therapy appointments have not gone well is because of disassociation. It is how I handle stress. I internalize it if I don't explode. With the massive amounts of antidepressants I'm on, I never, ever get angry. I get mad but not angry. I would go off of them, because I hate them so much, but it is the only thing that keeps me emotionally stable and keeps me from being too suicidal.
That's where I am right now.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.