Revelations
A few days ago someone very wise said that it isn't that I don't trust people it is that I don't trust myself. My eyes opened really wide and I complentated it for several days.... I think there is a lot of validity to it. Something inside of me does not trust me to make wise choices. That is sad, very sad because I am very careful. So, when I don't let people in it is my choice. When I don't give people my whole heart it is my choice out of fear. Really. Since then I've started working hard on being closer two women that I care so very much about. I will no longer be afraid to love people. I'm sure I'll have my slips but I will keep moving forward now that I can see that more clearly.
It is scary. i want to hide from the world. I don't "even" want to be here for my family. My gut reaction is to hermit up for a thousand years with just me and my animals. I find humans so complicated and scary. I sometimes feel like I'm autistic in a lot of ways, although I know it is not true. I think it is because I did not get the socialization when I was younger. It is also because of my introversion. It also comes from not being able to trust my upbringing.
But I am rising above.
A person in my online support group did a taped curriculum to change the way her mind deals with anxiety. I know that the tapes do work. I was against using them myself, because they are expensive. Why else? I hedged. Then I realized that I don't know who I am and what makes me tick. For instance, I came into the room today and told mom that there was a mistake she made. She said something, I don't quite remember what she said, but I do know that when this happens I freak out. I start getting really adamant that I am not lying. I realized today that the reason I react is because there was a time when I told mom that she had made a mistake and she would slap me. As i sat down and went over the whole thing in my mind I could even feel the left side of my face burn. I need to quit reacting like that because it is part of my past. Time to move on and become more.
It is scary. i want to hide from the world. I don't "even" want to be here for my family. My gut reaction is to hermit up for a thousand years with just me and my animals. I find humans so complicated and scary. I sometimes feel like I'm autistic in a lot of ways, although I know it is not true. I think it is because I did not get the socialization when I was younger. It is also because of my introversion. It also comes from not being able to trust my upbringing.
But I am rising above.
A person in my online support group did a taped curriculum to change the way her mind deals with anxiety. I know that the tapes do work. I was against using them myself, because they are expensive. Why else? I hedged. Then I realized that I don't know who I am and what makes me tick. For instance, I came into the room today and told mom that there was a mistake she made. She said something, I don't quite remember what she said, but I do know that when this happens I freak out. I start getting really adamant that I am not lying. I realized today that the reason I react is because there was a time when I told mom that she had made a mistake and she would slap me. As i sat down and went over the whole thing in my mind I could even feel the left side of my face burn. I need to quit reacting like that because it is part of my past. Time to move on and become more.