Friday Night Lights - "The Door in the Mountain Side", Tim/Julie, M
Title: The Door in the Mountain Side - Part VI
Author: lindentree
Rating: M
Character(s): Tim/Julie
Word Count: 6,336
Summary: This is an AU which takes place four years after 4x13 "Thanksgiving." Tim is an ex-convict and Julie is a college graduate, and both of them now know that in this life, there are no guarantees.
Thanks to ishie, as always. ♥
I can't take your breath away,
but I'll show you a brand new way,
with brand new love.
I can't mend your wounded heart,
but I'll give you a brand new start,
with brand new love.
Serena Ryder, “Brand New Love”
When Julie awoke in the morning, she was alone. She stretched and rolled over, frowning when she didn’t find another body in her way. She opened her eyes, blinking blearily and sitting up. The room was washed in warm morning sunlight, dust motes dancing through the still air. Frowning, Julie swung her feet out of bed and grabbed the first item of clothing she found, Tim’s t-shirt, and pulled it over her head. Her bedroom door was open, and she walked out into the living room. Tim wasn’t there either, but the smell of fresh, hot coffee permeated the apartment, leading Julie into their little kitchen. She grabbed a mug from the cupboard and poured herself some coffee, trying not to worry about the fact that Tim was absolutely nowhere to be found.
She was just adding a second lump of sugar to her coffee when the front door opened and Tim came in, shutting it behind him before dropping his keys on the table.
“Hey,” she greeted him, coming out of the kitchen to stand in the middle of the room.
“Hey,” he replied, looking a little taken aback. He was dressed even more haphazardly than usual, having thrown on jeans which, without a belt, hung dangerously low on his waist, and a plaid shirt which was only fastened by three buttons. He looked down to toe off his boots, and Julie noticed that he was carrying a paper bag in one hand.
“What’s that?” she asked, the silence between them beginning to feel awkward to her.
“Breakfast,” he said, looking up to smile ruefully at her. “You were supposed to be sleeping, still.”
“Oh,” she replied, feeling her face flush. “I can pretend, if you want.”
The oddest expression of amusement and pleasure crossed his face. “Okay,” he said, his voice low. “Go lie down.”
Julie was sure he didn’t miss the intense blush that flamed up at his words, her face suddenly feeling as hot as the coffee clasped in her hands. She nodded stiffly and walked past him, back into her bedroom, listening as he shuffled about in the other room, presumably pouring himself a cup of coffee.
She set her coffee on the bedside table and climbed back into bed, the covers still warm and cozy from her body. She tried to decide what the most flattering pose was to be lounging in when he entered, but he caught her by surprise and came into the room while she was still in the middle of arranging the pillows.
“Hey,” she said, sitting back as he went around the other side of the bed. He didn’t reply, putting his own coffee down and kicking his jeans away, tossing aside items of clothing until he was clad only in a pair of boxer briefs. Julie was about to make a comment when he knelt on the bed next to her and caught her lips in a kiss, one hand at her neck.
“Morning,” he muttered against her lips, as he pulled away.
“Morning,” she replied softly, feeling a little dazed.
“That’s how that was supposed to go,” he said, turning to sit back against the pillows Julie had propped up against her headboard. He opened the bag he had brought with him, and Julie’s nose was teased with the scent of hot cinnamon buns.
“Cinnamon buns? Are you for real?” she asked, making herself comfortable next to him and taking the sticky pastry he offered her. She pulled off a piece of icing-covered dough, popping it into her mouth and moaning in pleasure. “Bed probably isn’t the best place to eat these.”
“I’ll wash your sheets for you,” he replied, pulling off a piece of his own cinnamon bun. He put the box of buns down on the end of the bed.
“Gee, thank you,” she said, stifling a giggle.
“No, thank you,” he mumbled, his voice almost too quiet to be heard. Julie turned to see him watching her closely. “For everything.”
Julie grimaced slightly. “Don’t thank me - it’s not like I did you a favour, Tim.”
“Finish your breakfast,” he said merely, after a pause.
“What, are you in a hurry or something?”
“Yeah, kinda. Cute as it looks on you, I wanna get you out of that shirt pretty much right away.”
Julie blushed clear up to her hairline. Tim grinned at her, and Julie was reminded suddenly of the boy who had once slept on their couch and played with her baby sister and given her rides to school. She hadn’t seen that boy in years. Nobody had. But here he was, emerging slowly and certainly.
She leaned in and kissed him. He tasted like coffee and cinnamon, and Julie felt a strange emotion wash through her, something like the way homesickness faded upon return from a long trip. Being with Tim should have felt new or foreign, but instead it felt safe and familiar. She felt protected, as though she could somehow be certain that Tim would never harm her.
For the first time in many months, Julie felt like she was exactly where she was supposed to be.
They kissed slowly, settling gently into one another. Julie shivered when Tim pushed her shirt up to kiss his way across her stomach, leaving goose bumps where his mouth touched her. She sat up and pulled the shirt over her head, tossing it back on the floor where she had found it. Tim smiled against her neck, his hands tangled in her long hair, and they made love that way, slow and sweet, like all the time in the world belonged to them. Julie surprised them both with her laughter when they knocked the box of cinnamon buns to the floor. Her giggle ended as abruptly as it began when Tim caught her lips in another kiss.
“I think my coffee’s cold,” Julie said breathlessly, afterwards. Her cheek rested on his chest, and she could feel his heart pounding.
“I’ll warm it up,” Tim replied, his voice sleepy, his hand running idly through her hair.
“You’d better,” she smiled. She gazed at the far wall of her bedroom, where she had hung a little watercolour painting she bought on a day trip to San Jose with Nate. She shifted her head, feeling Tim’s steady breathing beneath her head. “You okay?” she asked softly, thinking of the way he had fallen apart last night.
“Mmm-hmm,” he said simply. She watched him closely for a moment, and then relaxed, smiling. She believed him. At this moment he was okay, and so was she. For now, that was enough.
They fell quiet for a long time, happy to doze the morning away together. Eventually, Julie sighed and sat up a little, tucking the sheets around to cover herself. She propped her head up on one hand, the other resting on Tim’s chest. She watched him, taking in the sleepy peace on his face. After a moment, he opened his eyes and looked at her, a crease forming on his forehead at her scrutiny.
“We should probably talk about this,” Julie said softly, hating to be the one to say it.
“Mmm,” Tim replied, noncommittal. “Doesn’t seem like there’s a whole lot to talk about, far as I can tell.”
“Oh no?”
“Nope. You free tonight, Jules?”
“Yes,” she said, fighting the smile that tugged at her lips.
“You wanna go on a date with me?”
She lost her fight, and grinned. “Sure.”
“Good,” Tim smiled. “I wanna take you out for dinner someplace.”
“I would love that,” Julie said. “Did you have something specific in mind?”
“Yeah, Ray’s Barbecue. You like brisket, right?”
“Argh,” Julie complained, smacking his chest in gentle consternation. Tim laughed.
“I don’t care where we go, Jules, long as you’re there.”
Julie tucked her head down against his shoulder, smiling. Much as she may have wanted to play it cool, it was impossible for her to hide how much that pleased her.
That big, awkward relationship discussion could wait.
***
Dinner didn’t last long.
Julie wished she could blame bad food or substandard service at the casual little Italian place they found in West Dillon, but everything was perfect. No, Tim was the one to blame for their short date. Or perhaps Julie was to blame, for she had never before found herself on the receiving end of Tim’s charm, and didn’t quite know what to do with it. In fact, Julie had never thought of him as being particularly charming at all, not even back in high school when girls (and, embarrassingly, more than a few grown women) seemed to flock to him. Sure, he was gorgeous, and had a body that defied belief, but he was also usually drunk or hungover, unwashed, moody, and monosyllabic to the point of rudeness. The guy was no James Bond, to put it mildly.
But as Julie watched their waitress grate fresh parmesan cheese on the top of her steaming plate of pasta primavera, she couldn’t help but wonder how fast they could get through the meal and get back to the apartment and, frankly, get back into bed.
Tim would not leave her alone, and it was going to drive her insane.
From the moment they were seated at the table, he had begun pressing a knee between hers under the table while pretending to study the menu, or brushing the back of her hand with his thumb and looking away innocently when she glanced at him, or leaning in and mumbling something dirty under his breath and feigning a cough when she choked on her pinot grigio.
Around the time the waitress cleared their plates and went to fetch them a dessert menu, Julie was fed up. Carefully trying not to jostle the table with her knee, Julie slid one foot out of its ballet flat and, while smiling blithely at the waitress as she returned with the menu, pressed the ball of her foot against his crotch.
Tim lowered his beer abruptly to the table with a heavy thud, as his other hand shot under the table, his fingers wrapping tightly around her ankle. His face was flushed, and he smiled at her. “You wanna get out of here, Jules?”
“Sure, whatever,” she replied, lifting one shoulder in a careless shrug and trying to hide her grin behind her hand.
They left in such a hurry that the waitress probably thought they had dined and dashed, at least until she spotted the handful of bills Tim had left on the table. They kissed in the car for several minutes before they even left the parking lot, and Julie felt like she was 16 years old again. She felt giddy and thrilled, and the consequences and complications of what they had started were the last things on her mind as Tim pinned her against the inside of their front door, hiked up her skirt, and fucked her before either of them could stop to catch a breath.
“I think,” Julie gasped, gulping down air as Tim panted against her sweaty neck, “that you might be getting your um... swagger back.”
“My swagger?”
“I thought it sounded more manly than getting your groove back.”
Tim laughed a hot, breathless laugh before hitching his arms under her thighs and walking her back into his bedroom. “We should probably keep working on it,” he said lightly, dropping her onto his unmade bed, where they spent the rest of that night. Julie fell asleep sprawled half across Tim’s chest, and he didn’t seem to mind one bit.
Julie was awakened in the middle of the night when Tim moaned and shifted uneasily, his foot catching her ankle sharply. “Ow,” she grumbled, opening her eyes to peer at him in the dark. He was dreaming again. “Tim?”
He gave a strangled gasp and awoke, blinking at her in confusion for a moment before settling back against his pillow.
“Nightmare?” she asked, her voice soft in the darkness.
“Yeah,” he replied gruffly, his voice hoarse. Unsure how best to handle this, Julie placed a hand on his shoulder. His skin was clammy, bathed in sweat, and he was trembling. When he didn’t protest, she edged closer, pressing herself against his side.
“I figured. I heard you another time.”
“Oh.”
“Sorry; I don’t mean to embarrass you, I just... It’s okay. That’s all.” Tim gave a shaky breath, and Julie felt his arm against her back, pulling her closer. “Do you - do you want to talk about it?”
“No,” he said shortly, although his words held no anger. “Just... stay. Okay?”
“Okay,” Julie replied. She laid her head down on his chest, draping her free arm across his body to hold him close. She listened as his breathing and his racing heart slowed.
She desperately wanted to ask him about the dreams, her imagination running wild again as she imagined all the horrible things he could be dreaming about. She hugged him closer, biting her bottom lip. She wouldn’t pry, wouldn’t push him, however much she may have wanted. It had to be his choice to tell her.
“Thanks for sticking around,” Tim said eventually, his voice hoarse in the darkness.
“It’s okay,” Julie replied, running what she hoped was a comforting hand down his arm. He sighed raggedly.
“I don’t want to be the one who needs... stuff all the time. I want to be there for you,” he said earnestly.
“You are,” Julie insisted. Tim gave no response to this, aside from the deepening of the frown already creasing his brow.
“I hate this feeling,” he murmured, looking away from her as he struggled to put words to his emotions. Julie waited silently as he thought. “Helplessness, I guess. I hate feeling... small.”
“I’m sorry,” Julie said softly once he finished.
“I don’t want pity.”
“It’s not pity. You’re resilient. You know that, don’t you? You’re a survivor. That means you’re above pity. I don’t pity you, Tim. I admire you. How could I not?” Julie was surprised by the lump in her throat as she spoke. She wasn’t attempting to placate him; she meant every last word.
Tim watched her for a moment and then dropped his gaze, settling back against his pillow and pulling her against him. Julie rested her cheek against his chest. It occurred to her that she hadn’t really made good on her promise that they would talk about their relationship, whatever it was, today. Then again, neither had Tim.
Tomorrow, she thought, closing her eyes. We can talk about it tomorrow.
***
Sunday was spent in much the same way as Saturday, their indolence so profound that they only got out of bed in order to go to the bathroom or get food.
Their lost weekend ended eventually, and on Monday, they both returned to work. They fell immediately into a new routine of forcing themselves out of bed in the morning, going to work, hurrying home as soon as possible, and having the feverish kind of sex Julie referred to as “very French-romantic-film-montage.” Tim had no idea what she’d meant by that, only that it made her laugh and kiss him, which he figured had to make it a good thing.
On Wednesday, he met with his parole officer, and in between updates on work and assuring Rob that he was staying out of trouble, Tim found himself talking about Julie, about everything that had happened between them over the last couple of weeks.
“I think I might be kinda... in love with her, I guess,” Tim said, frowning down at his hands.
“You sure you’re not just grateful that she’s nice to you?” Rob asked, leaning back in his chair and regarding Tim shrewdly.
Tim stared at the older man. “Is there a difference?”
“Yeah, there is,” Rob replied. He removed his glasses and sighed heavily, rubbing his eyes. “Look, Tim, I’m not your therapist. I don’t know how to help you figure out what to do if you have feelings for this girl. All I can say is that, from a practical standpoint, it’s probably not a great idea to start a relationship with your roommate when your housing alternatives are limited.”
Tim nodded. With baby Hayden having taken up residence in the Riggins household, things were even more crowded than before. If things went sour with Julie and he had to move out, he didn’t really have anywhere to go.
Besides, what did he have to offer Julie? She had to be wondering what their future would be like. In his experience, girls always did. With him, hers would be a life in a small town he knew she more or less hated, stuck with a guy who would only ever be that football player who went to prison.
Julie didn’t need that. She didn’t need anyone, really - that much was obvious to Tim. She wasn’t a girl who needed a boyfriend, let alone a crappy one. She deserved to be with someone who could make her happy, who could offer her the kind of life she wanted. And Tim was sure she didn’t want the kind of life he could offer.
“I’ve been doing this for a while,” Rob continued after a moment, “and one thing I see a lot of, especially with guys like you, is that they’ve shut down. Do you understand what I mean when I say that, Tim?”
Tim shrugged, although he had an idea.
“When bad things happen, you clock out and wait for the storm to pass, so to speak. I’m guessing that’s not new. You learned to do that a long time ago, huh?”
Without looking up, Tim nodded.
“It’s pretty common in kids who grow up in situations like yours, with alcoholic, absentee parents.”
Tim frowned down at his hands, and did not respond.
“I bring this up because just now, when you were telling me about Julie, that was the first time I’ve seen you be anything but shut down since the first day you walked into this office. You can’t build your life and your plans solely around one other person. But if she gives you the hope I think she does that there is a life in this world for you, a good life, then I think you’d be stupid as hell to let her go without at least trying.”
Tim looked up, meeting Rob’s eyes in surprise. The older man shrugged.
“It’s hard to let someone in, especially if you’ve been knocked around before. You expect to get slapped down. But you never know until you open up. Maybe she won’t slap you down. Think about it.”
Tim nodded, taking this in. Rob glanced at the clock on his desk, and turned to close Tim’s file on his desk. Tim stood, knowing this meant their time was up.
“Hey, Tim - one more thing,” Rob said, standing.
“Yeah?”
“As of next week, your probation period is up. You’re all done.”
“Seriously?” Tim hadn’t realised that time was passing so quickly.
“Yeah, seriously. So good luck, and I don’t wanna see you darken my doorway any time soon, all right?” Tim nodded, and reached out a hand. Rob shook it firmly. “Besides, sounds to me like that girl of yours would whip your ass if you ever so much as glanced at the wrong side of the law. You follow her lead on that one.”
Tim smiled wryly. “Yes, sir. I think you’re right about that.”
Tim returned to work for the afternoon, which he mostly spent lost in consideration of his dilemma. He knew he probably shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone right now, and that the selfless thing to do would be to break things off now before they got in too deep, deep enough for Jules to realise she didn’t want to spend her life with an ex-con whose stomach dropped at the thought of being in any enclosed space smaller than an elevator. It was a burden he didn’t want her to shoulder. He never wanted her to resent him, and that’s what burdens did.
He’d learned that a long time ago, too. It was why he was able to let Lyla Garrity walk out of his life not once, but twice.
But the thought of standing back and watching Julie move on with her life, with new guys, made him feel hollowed-out in a way he hadn’t felt since the day a judge told him he had four long years to think about the choices he had made.
Maybe ending this thing with Julie was the noble thing to do. But this time, Tim wasn’t sure he had the heart to do it.
***
When Tim arrived home that evening, Julie was sitting at the table in jeans and a t-shirt, studying the bottle of beer in front of her. Her legs were crossed and her chin rested in one hand, and her forehead was creased in a frown. All sure signs that she was deep in thought.
Swallowing, Tim closed the door behind him and then turned to face her. She looked up at him, and he felt like he was waiting for an axe to fall.
“We need to talk,” she said softly.
Nodding, Tim pulled one of the chairs out and sat down across from her.
“I think I want to be a cool, sophisticated girl who can roll with the punches and who doesn’t need everything to be all perfect and neatly defined, but well... The truth is, right now, I need a little definition,” she said carefully, as though she had been practicing these words all day.
“Okay,” Tim replied, unsure whether she was going to continue. She did.
“What are we?” she asked, her eyes bright and earnest. “To each other, I mean?”
“I don’t know. I’m... I don’t know.”
Julie nodded and looked down at the table. “I like you, Tim. I care about you, a lot. Really a lot... More than I realised, I think. It’s a little scary. I wasn’t expecting to get into something like this so soon after everything that happened this year. I wasn’t expecting you.”
“I didn’t expect you either, Jules. Not by a long shot.”
Julie glanced at him, and Tim frowned to see the tears in her eyes. “I’m afraid that I can’t be what you need. I’m afraid I’ll be... disappointing,” she said.
Tim watched her for a long moment and then sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Been thinking the exact same thing about myself. I can’t be there for you, can’t be the kinda guy you want, you deserve, the way I am.”
Julie worried her bottom lip, staring at him, and then suddenly laughed and pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes. “I guess we’re running the risk of serious mutual disappointment, huh?”
“Guess so,” Tim replied. “Look, I’m all messed up. I don’t want to be a burden to you, Jules.”
Julie seemed to contemplate this for several beats, before shaking her head and looking over at him. “You’re not a burden, Tim. You’re not. But maybe... Maybe it’s like you were saying about you and Billy, that he looked after you, and that it was your turn to look after him. Right now, you need some help, so it’s my turn. But maybe somewhere down the road, I’ll need you, and it’ll be your turn.”
Tim blinked, not knowing what to say. “That’s a lot to take on,” he observed, after a pause.
She sent him a watery smile and then stood up and came around to his side of the table. She pressed a kiss to his forehead and Tim held his breath. He couldn’t tell if that kiss was a hello or a goodbye. She reached down and grabbed his hand in hers. “Come on.”
“Where’re we goin’?” he asked, not protesting as she dragged him up and in the direction of the bathroom.
“Shower,” she replied plainly, switching on the light and pulling the shower curtain aside. “You’re still all sweaty from work.” Tim stood watching, dumbstruck, as she pulled her t-shirt over her head and slid her jeans over her hips, leaving her clothes in a small heap on the floor. She stood there naked, testing the temperature of the water before stepping into the bathtub. “You coming or what?” she asked from inside the shower, her voice garbled by the sound of rushing water.
Tim had never stripped faster in his life, stepping over the side of the tub and securing the curtain behind him.
“I should admit that I had ulterior motives in getting you into the shower,” Julie said, smiling up at him as she stepped back and soaked her long hair. Tim swallowed as hot water slid down her body, the air between them billowing with steam.
“Oh yeah?” he asked, switching places with her so he could soak his own head.
“Yeah,” Julie replied. She reached over his shoulder and grabbed the bottle of shampoo. “I just wanted to make sure that you actually washed your hair for once.” She squeezed some shampoo into her palm and stood on her tiptoes, dumping it on the crown of his head and scrubbing vigorously.
“Hey,” Tim complained, turning around and leaning back a little so she could reach better. He closed his eyes and smiled as Julie massaged the shampoo into his hair, her fingers rubbing pleasantly against his scalp.
“What? Are you trying to tell me that you don’t just rinse off and call it a day, half the time?”
Tim snorted. “You got me.”
“Yeah, well. I hate to be one of those demanding, naggy girlfriends,” she said sarcastically, “but I’m sorry to tell you that washing regularly, with soap, is kind of a requirement I have.”
“You mind doing the washing?”
This time, it was Julie who snorted. “Whatever gets the job done,” she said, pulling on his shoulder to get him to turn around and rinse his hair. Silence fell between them as she worked conditioner into his hair. Apparently satisfied that his hair was clean, she poured more shampoo into her hand, beginning to work it into her own hair. Tim nudged her hands aside, returning the favour by gently massaging her scalp.
“So,” he said, after a moment, “girlfriend, huh?”
Julie froze, and Tim immediately felt the tension in her neck as she realised what she’d said. He grinned, glad that she couldn’t see his face.
“Um,” she said finally, turning around to rinse her hair herself. She avoided his eyes. “I meant, you know, uh...”
Tim tipped her chin up so he could see her eyes. She looked worried. “That make me your boyfriend?”
“The position’s vacant and there haven’t been many applicants,” she blustered, her face red with the heat of the shower and, it seemed, a little embarrassment. He grinned at her, and then ended her agony, pressing his lips to hers in a soft kiss.
Julie pulled away, face flushed and lips swollen, her eyes a little hazy. “No funny business. We’re supposed to be getting you clean.”
“I’m actually feeling kinda dirty,” Tim replied, unable to help himself. He was rewarded with a full-body blush and a roll of Julie’s eyes as she squeezed some fruity-smelling body wash onto a blue bath pouf.
“Exfoliate,” she said, putting it in his hand and gesturing pointedly at his arms.
Tim obeyed, watching as she worked conditioner into the long strands of her hair. She continued to blush under his gaze, the skin of her chest and stomach turning a dark pink. When she finished with the conditioner, they switched places again, and Julie held her hand out for the soapy pouf. Tim idly rinsed the suds off his body and tossed the pouf in the direction of the shower caddy Julie insisted on keeping in the shower. Only girls seemed to have enough stuff in the shower that they also needed something to organize it all.
“Hey,” Julie complained, “some of us haven’t washed yet.”
“Too bad,” Tim replied, pulling her close for a kiss and pushing her back gently against the tile wall so that the shower spray ran down his back.
“I thought I said no funny business,” Julie griped as he kissed his way across her jaw and down her neck.
“I’m clean. Not my fault you can’t keep up,” Tim replied, grinning against her collarbone when she pinched his side playfully. He grasped her hips in his hands and hitched her up against the wall, supporting her weight with his body.
“I’m gonna slip!” Julie squeaked, alarmed, as her arms went around his neck and she braced a leg against the opposite tile wall.
“I gotcha.” He pinned her hips against the wall and kissed her, sliding a hand down her belly to brush against her. She shivered hard at his touch, and he bit back a smile as he eased a finger inside her to discover that she was about as excited as he was.
“We don’t have a condom,” Julie pointed out, her voice muffled by the kisses she was pressing against his neck.
“Damn,” he swore, continuing to stroke her as she began to rock her hips against his. “It’s okay, we can just-”
“Oh god, who cares? I’m on the pill, and anyway, I haven’t slept with anyone since I was with Nate, and that was months ago. Are you...?”
“I haven’t been with anyone since before I went away,” Tim supplied, somewhat rueful.
“Seriously? Tim! You could have told me that! No wonder you were beside yourself that first night. I didn’t think I was going to be able to sit for a week, at least,” she grumbled, her cranky words contradicted by the hand that slid down his torso and wrapped around his erection.
“Sorry,” he said huskily, a thrill of pleasure sliding into his gut as her hand gently squeezed. “I’ll make it up to you.” He reached down to guide himself into her, rocking his hips up into hers. Julie shuddered and sighed, holding him tightly and gripping his hair in her hands.
“Consider it made up. But get on with it, before the hot water runs out.”
Rolling his eyes and electing not to respond to the “get on with it” comment, Tim wrapped her thighs tightly around his hips and braced an arm against the slippery tile as he began to thrust. Balancing herself somewhat precariously, Julie responded in kind, meeting him with a sweet roll of her hips.
“I don’t think I’m gonna last longer than the water,” he said shakily, pushing her thighs wider to get a deeper angle as he pressed hot, open-mouthed kisses against her throat.
“Fine with me,” she gasped. “I’ve been ready practically since the second you walked in the door.”
“Yeah?” Tim glanced up at her, a little surprised at Julie almost talking dirty. Insinuating his hand between them to roll her clit between his fingers, he felt the water start to turn lukewarm against his back, and picked up his pace.
“Yeah,” Julie responded. “God, Tim. You have no idea... For weeks now, I’ve just... Every time I looked at you...”
“Tell me,” he said softly against her neck. “Quick - water’s getting cool.”
Tim felt her swallow as she strained against him, searching for the words. “I - oh, god. I wanted to kill you for walking around shirtless all the time. It was so unfair. Driving me crazy. Every time you fell asleep on the couch, I wanted to... You know.”
“No, what?” he asked, smiling.
“Wake you up. With, um. My hands, and my... mouth, I guess.”
Tim shuddered, the hesitant tone of her voice getting to him like nothing else. “Damn, Jules,” he moaned, thrusting hard and circling her clit with his thumb. Her spine stiffened and she cried out, her fingernails digging into his shoulders as she came. Her body held his, squeezing him, and he came with a muffled groan, gripping her hips hard in his hands as his whole body trembled.
They both went still, and Tim felt a bone-deep sated tiredness settle into him. It was all he could do to keep them both upright. Slowly, he eased her feet to the floor and pulled away, rinsing them both quickly as the water began to turn cold. Julie leaned against the tile wall, her knees wobbling visibly as her teeth chattered.
Tim shut off the shower and grabbed a towel for each of them. Julie hopped out of the cold shower, rubbing her limbs vigorously with her towel before grabbing a second one and disappearing from the steamy bathroom in an instant.
Tim towelled off and followed her, finding her in his bed trying to warm up, sitting cross-legged with a towel wrapped around her body. She was using another to dry her long hair. Tim climbed into bed next to her, chilled from the cold water.
They lounged in companionable silence for several minutes as Tim watched Julie weave her hair into two long braids. Eventually she finished, tossing her extra towel to the floor and snuggling down into the covers with a little sigh. She turned and looked at him.
“First year of college, I started having panic attacks,” she said, apropos of nothing. “My courses were challenging, and I was really homesick, and it was harder than I thought it would be to make new friends. It all just started to become too much, and one day I was standing in line for lunch, and I couldn’t make myself stop thinking about everything I needed to do that week, and how much I missed my friends and my family and Matt, and it was like there was this two-ton weight in the middle of my chest, dragging me down, and suddenly I was just crying and I couldn’t make myself stop. I’ve never felt so hysterical in my life.”
Tim waited for her to continue, and when she didn’t, he glanced at her. “What happened?”
“The girl behind me in line put down her tray and picked up my stuff, and walked me to one of the student resource centres. I saw a counsellor, and it actually really helped.” Julie paused, looking away. “I’m not saying it’s the same as your nightmares, I’m just saying that maybe things don’t have to stay this way for you.”
Tim studied her for a moment, taking in the worried, prompting expression on her face, and then cleared his throat. “Probably got you thinking the worst, huh?”
Julie nodded, her eyes round as she looked at him with concern. It killed him to see the pain on her face, and he sighed, running a hand through his damp hair.
“Jules, it’s not... It’s not what you might be thinking. Did I get in fights? Yeah. I didn’t go looking for ‘em, but there are guys in there who pass their time that way. I caught my fair share of beatings. Mostly I kept to myself. Sometimes that’s not enough. Saw a lotta things no one oughta see. But it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle.”
“Then what? What do you have nightmares about?”
“It’s hard to explain.”
Julie nodded. “I only want to know what you want to tell me. It’s up to you, I just want to... be here. For you.”
Tim eyed her for a long moment, and sighed again. “I dream about being trapped, closed in. The noise, and the lights. Never having anything to myself. The fear, I guess. Never been scared like that before. Not so it was constant, you know? It felt... Have you ever held your breath under water, just to see how long you could do it?”
Julie nodded.
“It’s like that moment when you realise you need to breathe, right now, but you’ve sunk to the bottom, and you can’t. That’s what it felt like, for four years. That’s what I dream about.”
Julie’s eyed brimmed with tears and she shook her head mutely before sitting up and pushing her way into his arms and hugging him tightly. “You’re not underwater anymore, Tim. Please breathe. Please.”
Her words hit him in the gut harder than any physical blow could. He brought his arms around her and hugged her back, holding her close.
“You’re sweet to me,” he said, breathing in the freshly-showered scent of her warm skin. He felt her laugh vibrate against his chest as she pulled back to look at him, keeping her arms looped around his neck.
“Not always. One day I won’t be so nice, and you’ll have to put up with me,” she said, wry and honest as she smiled at him.
He ran his hands down her back, tugging gently on the end of one braid. “I feel like I sleepwalked through the last four years. I don’t think I woke up until that day you showed up on my doorstep and told me to go see your dad.”
Julie leaned in and kissed him softly before pulling away and resting her forehead against his. “I was sleepwalking, too. Maybe we woke each other up.”
Tim regarded her, taking in the freckles scattered across her nose and the light brown of her eyes as she watched him. She blushed under his close observation, looking away. His heart felt light as air.
“So.” He cleared his throat and pulled away, running his hands down her arms to hold her hands in his. “You wanna see where this goes?”
She smiled. “Yeah, I do.”
Then she pressed her lips to his, and there was no need for either of them to say another word.
Part VII
Author: lindentree
Rating: M
Character(s): Tim/Julie
Word Count: 6,336
Summary: This is an AU which takes place four years after 4x13 "Thanksgiving." Tim is an ex-convict and Julie is a college graduate, and both of them now know that in this life, there are no guarantees.
Thanks to ishie, as always. ♥
I can't take your breath away,
but I'll show you a brand new way,
with brand new love.
I can't mend your wounded heart,
but I'll give you a brand new start,
with brand new love.
Serena Ryder, “Brand New Love”
When Julie awoke in the morning, she was alone. She stretched and rolled over, frowning when she didn’t find another body in her way. She opened her eyes, blinking blearily and sitting up. The room was washed in warm morning sunlight, dust motes dancing through the still air. Frowning, Julie swung her feet out of bed and grabbed the first item of clothing she found, Tim’s t-shirt, and pulled it over her head. Her bedroom door was open, and she walked out into the living room. Tim wasn’t there either, but the smell of fresh, hot coffee permeated the apartment, leading Julie into their little kitchen. She grabbed a mug from the cupboard and poured herself some coffee, trying not to worry about the fact that Tim was absolutely nowhere to be found.
She was just adding a second lump of sugar to her coffee when the front door opened and Tim came in, shutting it behind him before dropping his keys on the table.
“Hey,” she greeted him, coming out of the kitchen to stand in the middle of the room.
“Hey,” he replied, looking a little taken aback. He was dressed even more haphazardly than usual, having thrown on jeans which, without a belt, hung dangerously low on his waist, and a plaid shirt which was only fastened by three buttons. He looked down to toe off his boots, and Julie noticed that he was carrying a paper bag in one hand.
“What’s that?” she asked, the silence between them beginning to feel awkward to her.
“Breakfast,” he said, looking up to smile ruefully at her. “You were supposed to be sleeping, still.”
“Oh,” she replied, feeling her face flush. “I can pretend, if you want.”
The oddest expression of amusement and pleasure crossed his face. “Okay,” he said, his voice low. “Go lie down.”
Julie was sure he didn’t miss the intense blush that flamed up at his words, her face suddenly feeling as hot as the coffee clasped in her hands. She nodded stiffly and walked past him, back into her bedroom, listening as he shuffled about in the other room, presumably pouring himself a cup of coffee.
She set her coffee on the bedside table and climbed back into bed, the covers still warm and cozy from her body. She tried to decide what the most flattering pose was to be lounging in when he entered, but he caught her by surprise and came into the room while she was still in the middle of arranging the pillows.
“Hey,” she said, sitting back as he went around the other side of the bed. He didn’t reply, putting his own coffee down and kicking his jeans away, tossing aside items of clothing until he was clad only in a pair of boxer briefs. Julie was about to make a comment when he knelt on the bed next to her and caught her lips in a kiss, one hand at her neck.
“Morning,” he muttered against her lips, as he pulled away.
“Morning,” she replied softly, feeling a little dazed.
“That’s how that was supposed to go,” he said, turning to sit back against the pillows Julie had propped up against her headboard. He opened the bag he had brought with him, and Julie’s nose was teased with the scent of hot cinnamon buns.
“Cinnamon buns? Are you for real?” she asked, making herself comfortable next to him and taking the sticky pastry he offered her. She pulled off a piece of icing-covered dough, popping it into her mouth and moaning in pleasure. “Bed probably isn’t the best place to eat these.”
“I’ll wash your sheets for you,” he replied, pulling off a piece of his own cinnamon bun. He put the box of buns down on the end of the bed.
“Gee, thank you,” she said, stifling a giggle.
“No, thank you,” he mumbled, his voice almost too quiet to be heard. Julie turned to see him watching her closely. “For everything.”
Julie grimaced slightly. “Don’t thank me - it’s not like I did you a favour, Tim.”
“Finish your breakfast,” he said merely, after a pause.
“What, are you in a hurry or something?”
“Yeah, kinda. Cute as it looks on you, I wanna get you out of that shirt pretty much right away.”
Julie blushed clear up to her hairline. Tim grinned at her, and Julie was reminded suddenly of the boy who had once slept on their couch and played with her baby sister and given her rides to school. She hadn’t seen that boy in years. Nobody had. But here he was, emerging slowly and certainly.
She leaned in and kissed him. He tasted like coffee and cinnamon, and Julie felt a strange emotion wash through her, something like the way homesickness faded upon return from a long trip. Being with Tim should have felt new or foreign, but instead it felt safe and familiar. She felt protected, as though she could somehow be certain that Tim would never harm her.
For the first time in many months, Julie felt like she was exactly where she was supposed to be.
They kissed slowly, settling gently into one another. Julie shivered when Tim pushed her shirt up to kiss his way across her stomach, leaving goose bumps where his mouth touched her. She sat up and pulled the shirt over her head, tossing it back on the floor where she had found it. Tim smiled against her neck, his hands tangled in her long hair, and they made love that way, slow and sweet, like all the time in the world belonged to them. Julie surprised them both with her laughter when they knocked the box of cinnamon buns to the floor. Her giggle ended as abruptly as it began when Tim caught her lips in another kiss.
“I think my coffee’s cold,” Julie said breathlessly, afterwards. Her cheek rested on his chest, and she could feel his heart pounding.
“I’ll warm it up,” Tim replied, his voice sleepy, his hand running idly through her hair.
“You’d better,” she smiled. She gazed at the far wall of her bedroom, where she had hung a little watercolour painting she bought on a day trip to San Jose with Nate. She shifted her head, feeling Tim’s steady breathing beneath her head. “You okay?” she asked softly, thinking of the way he had fallen apart last night.
“Mmm-hmm,” he said simply. She watched him closely for a moment, and then relaxed, smiling. She believed him. At this moment he was okay, and so was she. For now, that was enough.
They fell quiet for a long time, happy to doze the morning away together. Eventually, Julie sighed and sat up a little, tucking the sheets around to cover herself. She propped her head up on one hand, the other resting on Tim’s chest. She watched him, taking in the sleepy peace on his face. After a moment, he opened his eyes and looked at her, a crease forming on his forehead at her scrutiny.
“We should probably talk about this,” Julie said softly, hating to be the one to say it.
“Mmm,” Tim replied, noncommittal. “Doesn’t seem like there’s a whole lot to talk about, far as I can tell.”
“Oh no?”
“Nope. You free tonight, Jules?”
“Yes,” she said, fighting the smile that tugged at her lips.
“You wanna go on a date with me?”
She lost her fight, and grinned. “Sure.”
“Good,” Tim smiled. “I wanna take you out for dinner someplace.”
“I would love that,” Julie said. “Did you have something specific in mind?”
“Yeah, Ray’s Barbecue. You like brisket, right?”
“Argh,” Julie complained, smacking his chest in gentle consternation. Tim laughed.
“I don’t care where we go, Jules, long as you’re there.”
Julie tucked her head down against his shoulder, smiling. Much as she may have wanted to play it cool, it was impossible for her to hide how much that pleased her.
That big, awkward relationship discussion could wait.
***
Dinner didn’t last long.
Julie wished she could blame bad food or substandard service at the casual little Italian place they found in West Dillon, but everything was perfect. No, Tim was the one to blame for their short date. Or perhaps Julie was to blame, for she had never before found herself on the receiving end of Tim’s charm, and didn’t quite know what to do with it. In fact, Julie had never thought of him as being particularly charming at all, not even back in high school when girls (and, embarrassingly, more than a few grown women) seemed to flock to him. Sure, he was gorgeous, and had a body that defied belief, but he was also usually drunk or hungover, unwashed, moody, and monosyllabic to the point of rudeness. The guy was no James Bond, to put it mildly.
But as Julie watched their waitress grate fresh parmesan cheese on the top of her steaming plate of pasta primavera, she couldn’t help but wonder how fast they could get through the meal and get back to the apartment and, frankly, get back into bed.
Tim would not leave her alone, and it was going to drive her insane.
From the moment they were seated at the table, he had begun pressing a knee between hers under the table while pretending to study the menu, or brushing the back of her hand with his thumb and looking away innocently when she glanced at him, or leaning in and mumbling something dirty under his breath and feigning a cough when she choked on her pinot grigio.
Around the time the waitress cleared their plates and went to fetch them a dessert menu, Julie was fed up. Carefully trying not to jostle the table with her knee, Julie slid one foot out of its ballet flat and, while smiling blithely at the waitress as she returned with the menu, pressed the ball of her foot against his crotch.
Tim lowered his beer abruptly to the table with a heavy thud, as his other hand shot under the table, his fingers wrapping tightly around her ankle. His face was flushed, and he smiled at her. “You wanna get out of here, Jules?”
“Sure, whatever,” she replied, lifting one shoulder in a careless shrug and trying to hide her grin behind her hand.
They left in such a hurry that the waitress probably thought they had dined and dashed, at least until she spotted the handful of bills Tim had left on the table. They kissed in the car for several minutes before they even left the parking lot, and Julie felt like she was 16 years old again. She felt giddy and thrilled, and the consequences and complications of what they had started were the last things on her mind as Tim pinned her against the inside of their front door, hiked up her skirt, and fucked her before either of them could stop to catch a breath.
“I think,” Julie gasped, gulping down air as Tim panted against her sweaty neck, “that you might be getting your um... swagger back.”
“My swagger?”
“I thought it sounded more manly than getting your groove back.”
Tim laughed a hot, breathless laugh before hitching his arms under her thighs and walking her back into his bedroom. “We should probably keep working on it,” he said lightly, dropping her onto his unmade bed, where they spent the rest of that night. Julie fell asleep sprawled half across Tim’s chest, and he didn’t seem to mind one bit.
Julie was awakened in the middle of the night when Tim moaned and shifted uneasily, his foot catching her ankle sharply. “Ow,” she grumbled, opening her eyes to peer at him in the dark. He was dreaming again. “Tim?”
He gave a strangled gasp and awoke, blinking at her in confusion for a moment before settling back against his pillow.
“Nightmare?” she asked, her voice soft in the darkness.
“Yeah,” he replied gruffly, his voice hoarse. Unsure how best to handle this, Julie placed a hand on his shoulder. His skin was clammy, bathed in sweat, and he was trembling. When he didn’t protest, she edged closer, pressing herself against his side.
“I figured. I heard you another time.”
“Oh.”
“Sorry; I don’t mean to embarrass you, I just... It’s okay. That’s all.” Tim gave a shaky breath, and Julie felt his arm against her back, pulling her closer. “Do you - do you want to talk about it?”
“No,” he said shortly, although his words held no anger. “Just... stay. Okay?”
“Okay,” Julie replied. She laid her head down on his chest, draping her free arm across his body to hold him close. She listened as his breathing and his racing heart slowed.
She desperately wanted to ask him about the dreams, her imagination running wild again as she imagined all the horrible things he could be dreaming about. She hugged him closer, biting her bottom lip. She wouldn’t pry, wouldn’t push him, however much she may have wanted. It had to be his choice to tell her.
“Thanks for sticking around,” Tim said eventually, his voice hoarse in the darkness.
“It’s okay,” Julie replied, running what she hoped was a comforting hand down his arm. He sighed raggedly.
“I don’t want to be the one who needs... stuff all the time. I want to be there for you,” he said earnestly.
“You are,” Julie insisted. Tim gave no response to this, aside from the deepening of the frown already creasing his brow.
“I hate this feeling,” he murmured, looking away from her as he struggled to put words to his emotions. Julie waited silently as he thought. “Helplessness, I guess. I hate feeling... small.”
“I’m sorry,” Julie said softly once he finished.
“I don’t want pity.”
“It’s not pity. You’re resilient. You know that, don’t you? You’re a survivor. That means you’re above pity. I don’t pity you, Tim. I admire you. How could I not?” Julie was surprised by the lump in her throat as she spoke. She wasn’t attempting to placate him; she meant every last word.
Tim watched her for a moment and then dropped his gaze, settling back against his pillow and pulling her against him. Julie rested her cheek against his chest. It occurred to her that she hadn’t really made good on her promise that they would talk about their relationship, whatever it was, today. Then again, neither had Tim.
Tomorrow, she thought, closing her eyes. We can talk about it tomorrow.
***
Sunday was spent in much the same way as Saturday, their indolence so profound that they only got out of bed in order to go to the bathroom or get food.
Their lost weekend ended eventually, and on Monday, they both returned to work. They fell immediately into a new routine of forcing themselves out of bed in the morning, going to work, hurrying home as soon as possible, and having the feverish kind of sex Julie referred to as “very French-romantic-film-montage.” Tim had no idea what she’d meant by that, only that it made her laugh and kiss him, which he figured had to make it a good thing.
On Wednesday, he met with his parole officer, and in between updates on work and assuring Rob that he was staying out of trouble, Tim found himself talking about Julie, about everything that had happened between them over the last couple of weeks.
“I think I might be kinda... in love with her, I guess,” Tim said, frowning down at his hands.
“You sure you’re not just grateful that she’s nice to you?” Rob asked, leaning back in his chair and regarding Tim shrewdly.
Tim stared at the older man. “Is there a difference?”
“Yeah, there is,” Rob replied. He removed his glasses and sighed heavily, rubbing his eyes. “Look, Tim, I’m not your therapist. I don’t know how to help you figure out what to do if you have feelings for this girl. All I can say is that, from a practical standpoint, it’s probably not a great idea to start a relationship with your roommate when your housing alternatives are limited.”
Tim nodded. With baby Hayden having taken up residence in the Riggins household, things were even more crowded than before. If things went sour with Julie and he had to move out, he didn’t really have anywhere to go.
Besides, what did he have to offer Julie? She had to be wondering what their future would be like. In his experience, girls always did. With him, hers would be a life in a small town he knew she more or less hated, stuck with a guy who would only ever be that football player who went to prison.
Julie didn’t need that. She didn’t need anyone, really - that much was obvious to Tim. She wasn’t a girl who needed a boyfriend, let alone a crappy one. She deserved to be with someone who could make her happy, who could offer her the kind of life she wanted. And Tim was sure she didn’t want the kind of life he could offer.
“I’ve been doing this for a while,” Rob continued after a moment, “and one thing I see a lot of, especially with guys like you, is that they’ve shut down. Do you understand what I mean when I say that, Tim?”
Tim shrugged, although he had an idea.
“When bad things happen, you clock out and wait for the storm to pass, so to speak. I’m guessing that’s not new. You learned to do that a long time ago, huh?”
Without looking up, Tim nodded.
“It’s pretty common in kids who grow up in situations like yours, with alcoholic, absentee parents.”
Tim frowned down at his hands, and did not respond.
“I bring this up because just now, when you were telling me about Julie, that was the first time I’ve seen you be anything but shut down since the first day you walked into this office. You can’t build your life and your plans solely around one other person. But if she gives you the hope I think she does that there is a life in this world for you, a good life, then I think you’d be stupid as hell to let her go without at least trying.”
Tim looked up, meeting Rob’s eyes in surprise. The older man shrugged.
“It’s hard to let someone in, especially if you’ve been knocked around before. You expect to get slapped down. But you never know until you open up. Maybe she won’t slap you down. Think about it.”
Tim nodded, taking this in. Rob glanced at the clock on his desk, and turned to close Tim’s file on his desk. Tim stood, knowing this meant their time was up.
“Hey, Tim - one more thing,” Rob said, standing.
“Yeah?”
“As of next week, your probation period is up. You’re all done.”
“Seriously?” Tim hadn’t realised that time was passing so quickly.
“Yeah, seriously. So good luck, and I don’t wanna see you darken my doorway any time soon, all right?” Tim nodded, and reached out a hand. Rob shook it firmly. “Besides, sounds to me like that girl of yours would whip your ass if you ever so much as glanced at the wrong side of the law. You follow her lead on that one.”
Tim smiled wryly. “Yes, sir. I think you’re right about that.”
Tim returned to work for the afternoon, which he mostly spent lost in consideration of his dilemma. He knew he probably shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone right now, and that the selfless thing to do would be to break things off now before they got in too deep, deep enough for Jules to realise she didn’t want to spend her life with an ex-con whose stomach dropped at the thought of being in any enclosed space smaller than an elevator. It was a burden he didn’t want her to shoulder. He never wanted her to resent him, and that’s what burdens did.
He’d learned that a long time ago, too. It was why he was able to let Lyla Garrity walk out of his life not once, but twice.
But the thought of standing back and watching Julie move on with her life, with new guys, made him feel hollowed-out in a way he hadn’t felt since the day a judge told him he had four long years to think about the choices he had made.
Maybe ending this thing with Julie was the noble thing to do. But this time, Tim wasn’t sure he had the heart to do it.
***
When Tim arrived home that evening, Julie was sitting at the table in jeans and a t-shirt, studying the bottle of beer in front of her. Her legs were crossed and her chin rested in one hand, and her forehead was creased in a frown. All sure signs that she was deep in thought.
Swallowing, Tim closed the door behind him and then turned to face her. She looked up at him, and he felt like he was waiting for an axe to fall.
“We need to talk,” she said softly.
Nodding, Tim pulled one of the chairs out and sat down across from her.
“I think I want to be a cool, sophisticated girl who can roll with the punches and who doesn’t need everything to be all perfect and neatly defined, but well... The truth is, right now, I need a little definition,” she said carefully, as though she had been practicing these words all day.
“Okay,” Tim replied, unsure whether she was going to continue. She did.
“What are we?” she asked, her eyes bright and earnest. “To each other, I mean?”
“I don’t know. I’m... I don’t know.”
Julie nodded and looked down at the table. “I like you, Tim. I care about you, a lot. Really a lot... More than I realised, I think. It’s a little scary. I wasn’t expecting to get into something like this so soon after everything that happened this year. I wasn’t expecting you.”
“I didn’t expect you either, Jules. Not by a long shot.”
Julie glanced at him, and Tim frowned to see the tears in her eyes. “I’m afraid that I can’t be what you need. I’m afraid I’ll be... disappointing,” she said.
Tim watched her for a long moment and then sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Been thinking the exact same thing about myself. I can’t be there for you, can’t be the kinda guy you want, you deserve, the way I am.”
Julie worried her bottom lip, staring at him, and then suddenly laughed and pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes. “I guess we’re running the risk of serious mutual disappointment, huh?”
“Guess so,” Tim replied. “Look, I’m all messed up. I don’t want to be a burden to you, Jules.”
Julie seemed to contemplate this for several beats, before shaking her head and looking over at him. “You’re not a burden, Tim. You’re not. But maybe... Maybe it’s like you were saying about you and Billy, that he looked after you, and that it was your turn to look after him. Right now, you need some help, so it’s my turn. But maybe somewhere down the road, I’ll need you, and it’ll be your turn.”
Tim blinked, not knowing what to say. “That’s a lot to take on,” he observed, after a pause.
She sent him a watery smile and then stood up and came around to his side of the table. She pressed a kiss to his forehead and Tim held his breath. He couldn’t tell if that kiss was a hello or a goodbye. She reached down and grabbed his hand in hers. “Come on.”
“Where’re we goin’?” he asked, not protesting as she dragged him up and in the direction of the bathroom.
“Shower,” she replied plainly, switching on the light and pulling the shower curtain aside. “You’re still all sweaty from work.” Tim stood watching, dumbstruck, as she pulled her t-shirt over her head and slid her jeans over her hips, leaving her clothes in a small heap on the floor. She stood there naked, testing the temperature of the water before stepping into the bathtub. “You coming or what?” she asked from inside the shower, her voice garbled by the sound of rushing water.
Tim had never stripped faster in his life, stepping over the side of the tub and securing the curtain behind him.
“I should admit that I had ulterior motives in getting you into the shower,” Julie said, smiling up at him as she stepped back and soaked her long hair. Tim swallowed as hot water slid down her body, the air between them billowing with steam.
“Oh yeah?” he asked, switching places with her so he could soak his own head.
“Yeah,” Julie replied. She reached over his shoulder and grabbed the bottle of shampoo. “I just wanted to make sure that you actually washed your hair for once.” She squeezed some shampoo into her palm and stood on her tiptoes, dumping it on the crown of his head and scrubbing vigorously.
“Hey,” Tim complained, turning around and leaning back a little so she could reach better. He closed his eyes and smiled as Julie massaged the shampoo into his hair, her fingers rubbing pleasantly against his scalp.
“What? Are you trying to tell me that you don’t just rinse off and call it a day, half the time?”
Tim snorted. “You got me.”
“Yeah, well. I hate to be one of those demanding, naggy girlfriends,” she said sarcastically, “but I’m sorry to tell you that washing regularly, with soap, is kind of a requirement I have.”
“You mind doing the washing?”
This time, it was Julie who snorted. “Whatever gets the job done,” she said, pulling on his shoulder to get him to turn around and rinse his hair. Silence fell between them as she worked conditioner into his hair. Apparently satisfied that his hair was clean, she poured more shampoo into her hand, beginning to work it into her own hair. Tim nudged her hands aside, returning the favour by gently massaging her scalp.
“So,” he said, after a moment, “girlfriend, huh?”
Julie froze, and Tim immediately felt the tension in her neck as she realised what she’d said. He grinned, glad that she couldn’t see his face.
“Um,” she said finally, turning around to rinse her hair herself. She avoided his eyes. “I meant, you know, uh...”
Tim tipped her chin up so he could see her eyes. She looked worried. “That make me your boyfriend?”
“The position’s vacant and there haven’t been many applicants,” she blustered, her face red with the heat of the shower and, it seemed, a little embarrassment. He grinned at her, and then ended her agony, pressing his lips to hers in a soft kiss.
Julie pulled away, face flushed and lips swollen, her eyes a little hazy. “No funny business. We’re supposed to be getting you clean.”
“I’m actually feeling kinda dirty,” Tim replied, unable to help himself. He was rewarded with a full-body blush and a roll of Julie’s eyes as she squeezed some fruity-smelling body wash onto a blue bath pouf.
“Exfoliate,” she said, putting it in his hand and gesturing pointedly at his arms.
Tim obeyed, watching as she worked conditioner into the long strands of her hair. She continued to blush under his gaze, the skin of her chest and stomach turning a dark pink. When she finished with the conditioner, they switched places again, and Julie held her hand out for the soapy pouf. Tim idly rinsed the suds off his body and tossed the pouf in the direction of the shower caddy Julie insisted on keeping in the shower. Only girls seemed to have enough stuff in the shower that they also needed something to organize it all.
“Hey,” Julie complained, “some of us haven’t washed yet.”
“Too bad,” Tim replied, pulling her close for a kiss and pushing her back gently against the tile wall so that the shower spray ran down his back.
“I thought I said no funny business,” Julie griped as he kissed his way across her jaw and down her neck.
“I’m clean. Not my fault you can’t keep up,” Tim replied, grinning against her collarbone when she pinched his side playfully. He grasped her hips in his hands and hitched her up against the wall, supporting her weight with his body.
“I’m gonna slip!” Julie squeaked, alarmed, as her arms went around his neck and she braced a leg against the opposite tile wall.
“I gotcha.” He pinned her hips against the wall and kissed her, sliding a hand down her belly to brush against her. She shivered hard at his touch, and he bit back a smile as he eased a finger inside her to discover that she was about as excited as he was.
“We don’t have a condom,” Julie pointed out, her voice muffled by the kisses she was pressing against his neck.
“Damn,” he swore, continuing to stroke her as she began to rock her hips against his. “It’s okay, we can just-”
“Oh god, who cares? I’m on the pill, and anyway, I haven’t slept with anyone since I was with Nate, and that was months ago. Are you...?”
“I haven’t been with anyone since before I went away,” Tim supplied, somewhat rueful.
“Seriously? Tim! You could have told me that! No wonder you were beside yourself that first night. I didn’t think I was going to be able to sit for a week, at least,” she grumbled, her cranky words contradicted by the hand that slid down his torso and wrapped around his erection.
“Sorry,” he said huskily, a thrill of pleasure sliding into his gut as her hand gently squeezed. “I’ll make it up to you.” He reached down to guide himself into her, rocking his hips up into hers. Julie shuddered and sighed, holding him tightly and gripping his hair in her hands.
“Consider it made up. But get on with it, before the hot water runs out.”
Rolling his eyes and electing not to respond to the “get on with it” comment, Tim wrapped her thighs tightly around his hips and braced an arm against the slippery tile as he began to thrust. Balancing herself somewhat precariously, Julie responded in kind, meeting him with a sweet roll of her hips.
“I don’t think I’m gonna last longer than the water,” he said shakily, pushing her thighs wider to get a deeper angle as he pressed hot, open-mouthed kisses against her throat.
“Fine with me,” she gasped. “I’ve been ready practically since the second you walked in the door.”
“Yeah?” Tim glanced up at her, a little surprised at Julie almost talking dirty. Insinuating his hand between them to roll her clit between his fingers, he felt the water start to turn lukewarm against his back, and picked up his pace.
“Yeah,” Julie responded. “God, Tim. You have no idea... For weeks now, I’ve just... Every time I looked at you...”
“Tell me,” he said softly against her neck. “Quick - water’s getting cool.”
Tim felt her swallow as she strained against him, searching for the words. “I - oh, god. I wanted to kill you for walking around shirtless all the time. It was so unfair. Driving me crazy. Every time you fell asleep on the couch, I wanted to... You know.”
“No, what?” he asked, smiling.
“Wake you up. With, um. My hands, and my... mouth, I guess.”
Tim shuddered, the hesitant tone of her voice getting to him like nothing else. “Damn, Jules,” he moaned, thrusting hard and circling her clit with his thumb. Her spine stiffened and she cried out, her fingernails digging into his shoulders as she came. Her body held his, squeezing him, and he came with a muffled groan, gripping her hips hard in his hands as his whole body trembled.
They both went still, and Tim felt a bone-deep sated tiredness settle into him. It was all he could do to keep them both upright. Slowly, he eased her feet to the floor and pulled away, rinsing them both quickly as the water began to turn cold. Julie leaned against the tile wall, her knees wobbling visibly as her teeth chattered.
Tim shut off the shower and grabbed a towel for each of them. Julie hopped out of the cold shower, rubbing her limbs vigorously with her towel before grabbing a second one and disappearing from the steamy bathroom in an instant.
Tim towelled off and followed her, finding her in his bed trying to warm up, sitting cross-legged with a towel wrapped around her body. She was using another to dry her long hair. Tim climbed into bed next to her, chilled from the cold water.
They lounged in companionable silence for several minutes as Tim watched Julie weave her hair into two long braids. Eventually she finished, tossing her extra towel to the floor and snuggling down into the covers with a little sigh. She turned and looked at him.
“First year of college, I started having panic attacks,” she said, apropos of nothing. “My courses were challenging, and I was really homesick, and it was harder than I thought it would be to make new friends. It all just started to become too much, and one day I was standing in line for lunch, and I couldn’t make myself stop thinking about everything I needed to do that week, and how much I missed my friends and my family and Matt, and it was like there was this two-ton weight in the middle of my chest, dragging me down, and suddenly I was just crying and I couldn’t make myself stop. I’ve never felt so hysterical in my life.”
Tim waited for her to continue, and when she didn’t, he glanced at her. “What happened?”
“The girl behind me in line put down her tray and picked up my stuff, and walked me to one of the student resource centres. I saw a counsellor, and it actually really helped.” Julie paused, looking away. “I’m not saying it’s the same as your nightmares, I’m just saying that maybe things don’t have to stay this way for you.”
Tim studied her for a moment, taking in the worried, prompting expression on her face, and then cleared his throat. “Probably got you thinking the worst, huh?”
Julie nodded, her eyes round as she looked at him with concern. It killed him to see the pain on her face, and he sighed, running a hand through his damp hair.
“Jules, it’s not... It’s not what you might be thinking. Did I get in fights? Yeah. I didn’t go looking for ‘em, but there are guys in there who pass their time that way. I caught my fair share of beatings. Mostly I kept to myself. Sometimes that’s not enough. Saw a lotta things no one oughta see. But it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle.”
“Then what? What do you have nightmares about?”
“It’s hard to explain.”
Julie nodded. “I only want to know what you want to tell me. It’s up to you, I just want to... be here. For you.”
Tim eyed her for a long moment, and sighed again. “I dream about being trapped, closed in. The noise, and the lights. Never having anything to myself. The fear, I guess. Never been scared like that before. Not so it was constant, you know? It felt... Have you ever held your breath under water, just to see how long you could do it?”
Julie nodded.
“It’s like that moment when you realise you need to breathe, right now, but you’ve sunk to the bottom, and you can’t. That’s what it felt like, for four years. That’s what I dream about.”
Julie’s eyed brimmed with tears and she shook her head mutely before sitting up and pushing her way into his arms and hugging him tightly. “You’re not underwater anymore, Tim. Please breathe. Please.”
Her words hit him in the gut harder than any physical blow could. He brought his arms around her and hugged her back, holding her close.
“You’re sweet to me,” he said, breathing in the freshly-showered scent of her warm skin. He felt her laugh vibrate against his chest as she pulled back to look at him, keeping her arms looped around his neck.
“Not always. One day I won’t be so nice, and you’ll have to put up with me,” she said, wry and honest as she smiled at him.
He ran his hands down her back, tugging gently on the end of one braid. “I feel like I sleepwalked through the last four years. I don’t think I woke up until that day you showed up on my doorstep and told me to go see your dad.”
Julie leaned in and kissed him softly before pulling away and resting her forehead against his. “I was sleepwalking, too. Maybe we woke each other up.”
Tim regarded her, taking in the freckles scattered across her nose and the light brown of her eyes as she watched him. She blushed under his close observation, looking away. His heart felt light as air.
“So.” He cleared his throat and pulled away, running his hands down her arms to hold her hands in his. “You wanna see where this goes?”
She smiled. “Yeah, I do.”
Then she pressed her lips to his, and there was no need for either of them to say another word.
Part VII