Friday Night Lights - "The Door in the Mountain Side", Tim/Julie, M
Title: The Door in the Mountain Side - Part V
Author: lindentree
Rating: M
Character(s): Tim/Julie
Word Count: 8,335
Summary: This is an AU which takes place four years after 4x13 "Thanksgiving." Tim is an ex-convict and Julie is a college graduate, and both of them now know that in this life, there are no guarantees.
We cover a lot of ground in this part, so get comfortable. :) Thanks to ishie for reassuring me that it doesn't fail totally. ♥
They came to tell your faults to me,
They named them over one by one;
I laughed aloud when they were done.
I knew them all so well before,-
Oh, they were blind, too blind to see
Your faults had made me love you more.
Sara Teasdale, “Faults”
A full day passed before Julie saw Tim again. The morning after his drinking binge, he hadn’t emerged from his bedroom by the time Julie left for work. She stood in the middle of the living room, gnawing her bottom lip and trying to decide if she should wake him up or not. Finally, she concluded that she was not his mother, and getting him to work was not her job. She left enough hot coffee to get him on his feet, and set her sights on ensuring that she, at least, arrived at work on time.
Julie lingered at work that evening, not in any real hurry to get home, although she found that her frustration faded as the day wore on. Later, she arrived to find Tim asleep on the couch, his face buried in the cushions. The TV was on, a baseball game playing on the screen. She put her purse down and sighed, frowning when she caught a glimpse of the table. It was set for dinner, plates and cutlery sitting untouched.
“Hey,” Tim said gruffly. Julie looked over to find him sitting up, pushing his disorderly hair out of his face.
“Hey,” Julie greeted him as he stood up, coming over to meet her at the table. “What’s all this?”
“I was gonna make dinner, but it didn’t work out so well,” he frowned, scratching his head, and Julie felt her annoyance fade further. She bit her lip to fight off the smile that threatened to spread across her face.
“It didn’t work out?” she asked, hoping she sounded unimpressed.
“Not so much. I was thinking maybe I could buy you pizza, instead. Kind of a peace offering.” Before she could respond, Tim continued. “I wanted to say sorry about last night.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, I mean, I woke up thinking I’d have to clean all that up, and you’d already taken care of it.”
Julie shrugged, looking away. “Yeah, well, it was gross. I did it more for me than for you.”
He watched her for a moment and then nodded. “Still. I’m sorry.”
Julie nodded, accepting his apology. “Are you okay?”
“Been through worse,” he replied, shrugging carelessly.
Julie regarded him, wondering if he even remembered having the nightmare. Certainly he didn’t seem to realise that she had heard him, or wasn’t going to bring it up if he did. It was just as well, she thought, for she had no idea what to say to him, anyway.
“So...” she said, crossing her arms over her chest and looking down. “You said something about pizza?”
“Yeah,” he replied, smiling hopefully. “You game?”
“I’m pretty hungry,” she admitted with a shrug. “It’s been hours since I had lunch.”
Tim stood, grabbing the cordless phone off the coffee table. “Hold tight. I’m on it. Pick a movie - whatever you want.”
“On my pizza, could I get -”
“Greek, no onions,” Tim interrupted her, cradling the phone in his shoulder. “I know what you like on your pizza by now, Jules.”
Nodding, Julie went into the kitchen to get herself a soda. She probably shouldn’t have made it so easy for him to win her over, but it was clear he was sorry, and she wasn’t convinced that he was as okay as he said, either.
As for the pizza, she chose not to think too hard about the fact that she’d had boyfriends who had taken longer to remember what she liked on her pizza.
No, she wasn’t going to think too hard about that at all.
***
Becky came over the following evening with a short stack of DVDs and a shoebox filled with chocolate chip cookies she had baked. “Just for you,” she said. “Don’t let Tim get into them, he’ll just eat them all.”
The girls deliberately chose an evening when Julie knew Tim would be at Billy’s, an idea which seemed to thrill Becky, as though they were breaking a rule. “He’ll be so mad when he finds out,” she giggled, pouring both of them a soda in the kitchen as Julie threw a bag of popcorn into the microwave. “He’ll think we’re talking about him!”
Julie smiled, privately thinking that Becky may be overestimating Tim’s willingness to care about what other people were doing.
They popped in one of the movies, a romantic comedy, and settled into the couch with their drinks and snacks. The opening credit sequence had barely passed before Becky started talking about her job at the movie theatre and how lame it was to still be living at home, before grilling Julie about going to college in California. Soon enough, their conversation turned back to Tim, as Becky related the story of how they got to know one another, and how he was the first guy she ever loved.
“I mean loved,” Becky insisted. “I know it sounds stupid and babyish, but I really did love him. I still do, just not the same way, you know?”
Julie nodded. “He kind of has that effect on people.”
Becky turned, giving her the eagle eye. “So, do you...?”
“I care about him,” Julie said deliberately, after a pause. Becky nodded.
“Tim’s a really special person,” she said, digging a hand into the bowl of popcorn that sat between them.
Observing the younger girl out of the corner of her eye, Julie smiled. “Yeah, I know.”
“No, I mean he’s a really special person. He’s been through a lot. I wish... I wish I could be there for him, but he doesn’t want to talk about prison. Even his letters, that whole time, he could have been writing from summer camp, the way he went on. He just wrote about things he saw in magazines or on TV, or stuff I sent him, or whatever he was doing in his classes. I don’t know if he was trying to protect me or what, but something happened to him in there. He’s not the same as he was.”
Julie froze. She thought about Tim as she’d known him in high school, easygoing, funny, protective Tim Riggins, who looked out for her and drove her to school and glowed from the inside out when Lyla Garrity loved him back. Even Julie could see that he wasn’t the same.
“He was the only person who was there for me when I was going through some really hard stuff,” Becky continued. “He protected me, and he supported me. He was the only reason I thought that things might turn out to be okay.” Her voice trailed off softly, and Julie glanced over at her. Becky was nearly crying, her chin quivering. “Now I’m just worried that he’s not going to be okay,” Becky said, reaching up and wiping a tear which slid down one cheek.
“Oh, Becky,” Julie sighed, reaching out a hand and touching her shoulder. The other girl turned and looked at her, and Julie opened her arms. Suddenly they were hugging, Becky’s dark curls tickling Julie’s nose. “I think he’s going to be okay, eventually,” Julie said softly. “He probably just needs some time to get on his feet, you know?”
“Yeah,” Becky replied, her voice wavering. “Will you try to help him? You see him every day, I don’t. I have to go back to college soon.”
Julie pulled back to observe Becky’s earnest face. “I... I don’t know if it really works that way. I mean, you can’t just fix another person, you know? It’s not that simple.”
“Yeah. I guess you’re right about that,” Becky murmured, her voice troubled. “But you’ll be his friend, at least, right?”
“I’ll be his friend,” Julie assured her.
Becky pulled away, wiping at her teary eyes. “He really likes you, he told me. If he’s got you, he’s bound to be okay, right?”
Julie nodded, trying to smile confidently for Becky’s benefit. But she wasn’t so sure. She and Tim were just roommates. How was she supposed to help him when she didn’t know what he needed and barely understood what was wrong?
Worse still, she thought guiltily, she wasn’t convinced it was her responsibility.
***
Mindy went into labour one stormy, sweltering Friday night in early September. Tim and Julie were grocery shopping when they got the call, Julie’s cell phone erupting with a barrage of texts from Billy. Julie read them in the freezer aisle of the supermarket, glancing up as Tim walked ahead of her with the shopping cart. Flipping her phone closed, she picked up her pace to catch him, her flip-flops slapping noisily against the slick linoleum.
“Tim?” She skidded to a stop next to him. He was examining a display featuring an array of crazy straws.
“I know they’re for little kids,” he mused, picking up a package and examining it. “But still.”
“Did you by any chance give Billy my cell phone number for emergencies?” she asked, crossing her arms over her chest.
“Yeah,” he replied, turning to look at her with a frown. “Why?”
“Ah. Well, I just got about seventy-five texts from Billy, looking for you. I think you’re about to become an uncle again.” Julie handed him her phone, and he quickly read the texts. While he was doing so, the phone rang, and Tim answered it.
“We’ll be there as soon as we can,” Tim reassured his brother. “Just tell Mins to hold on. I missed Katie being born, I don’t want to miss this one, all right?” He hung up and passed the phone back to Julie. “Come on,” he said, turning and abandoning their half-full shopping cart in the middle of the aisle.
Julie followed him, trying to keep up with his long strides. “What’s going on? Are they at the hospital already?”
“Yeah,” he replied, holding the front door of the grocery store open for her. “Came on kinda fast, I guess. She’s not even due for another couple of weeks.”
“Oh.” Julie frowned as they came to a stop at Tim’s truck and hopped in. He gunned the engine and peeled out of the parking lot. “But that’s pretty normal though, right? Like, she’ll be okay, won’t she?”
“I’m sure she will, but Billy’s flipping out. You mind coming along? I don’t want to drive back home and then all the way across town to the hospital, just in case.”
“No, that’s okay,” Julie replied, although sitting at the hospital with the Riggins clan hadn’t really been in her plans for the evening.
They arrived at the hospital relatively quickly, finding themselves directed to a nearly empty waiting room with a TV set to CNN.
“Where are the kids?” Julie asked, dropping herself down onto one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs.
“Billy said Mindy’s mom came and picked ‘em up and took ‘em to her place, and Mr. Garrity’s looking after them so she can be here,” Tim replied, sitting down next to her and stretching his legs out in front of him.
“Oh. So I guess there’s not a lot for us to do to help, then, is there?”
“Not really,” Tim replied. He glanced at her somewhat ruefully. “Sorry. You want me to find you a way home?”
“No, no! It’s fine. I’ll keep you company, at least,” Julie said. Tim smiled back at her before turning his eyes toward the TV mounted in the corner.
Then, there was nothing to do but wait.
***
“Is there a Tim Riggins here?” a voice asked, disrupting the game of Tic-Tac-Toe Tim and Julie had going on. Tim was up in an instant.
“Come on,” he said, gesturing at Julie as he followed the nurse who had called his name. She led him through a labyrinth of corridors before coming to a stop in front of a room. She held the door open for him and smiled encouragingly.
“Go on,” she said, nodding.
Tim entered the room to find his brother and Mindy’s mom gathered around the bed, where Mindy was reclining with a small bundle of blankets in her arms. She looked exhausted, but nodded at him to come closer. He came to stand next to the bed, clapping an arm over his brother’s shoulder.
“This is Hayden. Hayden Timothy Riggins,” Mindy said, smiling. Tim looked down at the small shape in her arms, wrapped snugly in a soft yellow blanket. He looked just like Stevie had when he was born.
“He’s awesome, Mins,” he said, looking first at her, then at his brother, who was standing anxiously over Mindy’s shoulder like this was his first time rather than his third. Mindy’s mother beamed at her daughter. Tim smiled, and turned to let Julie in closer to see the baby, only to find that she wasn’t there. She must not have followed him in.
“Hold on a sec,” he said, leaving the happy little family and walking back out into the hallway. He found Julie halfway back to the waiting area, leaning against a wall with her hands shoved in her pockets, looking awkward.
“Hey,” he said, coming up to her. “I thought you came in with me.”
“I thought maybe I should give you some time alone with them,” Julie replied, looking embarrassed. “I mean, I’m not really...” she trailed off.
“Don’t be stupid,” Tim said, reaching down and taking her hand. “I wanna show off my new nephew; come on.”
Julie allowed him to pull her along behind him, leading her into the room. Baby Hayden and Julie were introduced, and Tim glanced over to see Julie smiling at Mindy and Billy, her eyes warm.
“Congratulations, you guys,” she said softly. “He’s beautiful.” The expression on her face made Tim’s breath catch, and he cleared his throat. Julie’s eyes met his, and they both seemed to realise at the same moment that her hand was still clasped in his. Julie blushed and pulled her hand away, rubbing it briefly against her thigh as though she’d burned it.
“Why don’t I go pick Stevie and Katie up from Mr. Garrity’s and bring them?” Julie offered. “They must be getting pretty sick of watching Lions game tape by now.”
“Oh honey, don’t be silly,” Angela said, standing up from the chair next to Mindy’s bed. “I’ll go get the kids.”
“No, you should stay!” Julie insisted. “I can go, it’s really not a big deal.” Tim glanced at her.
“If you don’t mind, that would be awesome,” Billy replied earnestly. “You can take the van. It’s out front, and it’s got the car seats and all that.”
“I’ll come,” Tim said, taking a step towards Julie as she took the keys from Billy and headed towards the door.
“No! No, that’s okay. I can handle them. You stay here and get acquainted,” she said, smiling briskly at the others. “See you later.”
The door thumped closed behind her, and she was gone. Tim frowned and turned back towards the bed.
“Damn,” Billy muttered. “I’m hungry. Shoulda got her to pick us up some Alamo Freeze, too.”
***
Julie drove Billy and Mindy’s clunky old Dodge Caravan down Murphy Street, heading in the direction of Buddy and Angela’s house. The headlights shone off the shiny pavement, which had been dampened by the rain that evening. It was still raining, and the old rubber wipers did a poor job of keeping the windshield clear. The dreary weather was, Julie felt, rather fitting. It suited her mood perfectly.
She’d been in a great mood for most of the day, but that had all changed, standing in that hospital room welcoming the newest Riggins into the world.
When she looked at that baby, and saw the way Tim looked at him, the first thought that entered her mind was that Tim would, in spite of, or perhaps because of everything, make a great father. The second was that the two of them would have really cute babies.
These were not things she had ever imagined with Nate. Not even, if she was really honest with herself, had she imagined them with Matt. They’d been so young that Julie never thought much further than college. Julie wasn’t even sure she wanted to have children with anyone.
The hospital room shrank in that moment, as though all the oxygen had gone out of the room. Julie had to get out, and she latched onto the first opportunity to do so. Not particularly brave, but right now, Julie couldn’t bring herself to care.
Julie took the turn into Buddy and Angela’s neighbourhood, peering to find the right address. She had left in such haste that she hadn’t gotten directions from Billy, and had to call her dad to ask for Buddy’s address. The phone call had been terse, and only became more awkward when Julie explained why she needed the address.
Sighing, Julie parked the van and unbuckled her seatbelt. She couldn’t think about her dad’s disapproval of Tim on top of everything else.
She could deal with being attracted to Tim. It wasn’t hard to do; she was by no means the first girl to fall victim to his more obvious charms. It was everything else that tripped her up - their conversations, his company, the way they had started to look out for each other.
The ease with which they had settled into each other’s lives was starting to alarm her. It had never been like this with her other roommates. It hadn’t even really been like this with Nate. Even though she spent a lot of time at his place, she had only ever felt like a guest, like his girlfriend staying the night. They’d never truly shared a home, and honestly, that had never really bothered her.
She felt like she was sharing more with Tim every day, and he was only supposed to be her roommate, nothing more than that. Yet her feelings for him stretched beyond that nothing more and into a no-man’s-land for which she had no compass, no map. There were no boundaries, and it was starting to scare her.
Julie started as the yard was suddenly illuminated by Buddy’s porch light. The front door opened and the former booster stood on the stoop, peering out at her. Shaking off her worries, Julie hopped out of the van and waved, walking up to the house. Right now, she had to worry about dealing with the younger Rigginses.
But tomorrow, she was going to have to find some way to push Tim back into the familiar territory of roommate and casual friend. Anything else left Julie with more uncertainty than she could handle.
***
Tim was going crazy, and unfortunately, the only solution he could come up with was to talk to Julie. This was difficult, because Julie herself was the problem.
All week long, she’d been acting weird. She was quiet on the drive home from the hospital the night Hayden was born, disappearing into her bedroom immediately upon their arrival with barely more than a mumbled goodnight. The rest of the week, she worked late and ate dinner at her parents’, or simply said she was “busy” before slipping out the door. They didn’t eat together or watch TV even once all week, and it was the loneliest Tim had felt in a long time.
For all that he wanted peace and space to himself, he had come to rely on Julie’s company, and her sudden remoteness was confusing and painful. It didn’t take a genius to know something was wrong, but he couldn’t figure out what he had done.
On Wednesday, she seemed to run out of ways to avoid him, and was reading in her bedroom when he arrived home from work. He took a shower and threw on an old Panthers t-shirt and clean jeans, surveying the mess of dirty laundry in his bedroom. Figuring a trip to the Laundromat would be a good excuse to talk to her, he knocked on her bedroom door.
“Yeah?” she answered. He opened the door a crack and poked his head in. Julie was stretched out on her back, a novel resting on her stomach. She glanced up at him.
“Hey. You thought about dinner yet?” he asked.
“I had a big lunch, so I’m not that hungry.”
He nodded. “I got a ton of laundry to do. You wanna swing by the Laundromat later?”
Julie shook her head, returning her attention to her book. “Nah, I’m good. I took some stuff over to my parents’ already this week.”
“Oh,” Tim replied, frowning slightly. He watched her for a moment as she pointedly ignored him, reading her book. “Listen, Jules, I don’t know if I did something, but-” he was interrupted by the shrill ringing of the phone. Sparing a glance at her over his shoulder, he went back into the living room, found the cordless phone, and answered it.
“Tim, I need you to come to the house and watch the kids. Billy got arrested, and I can’t get a hold of my mom,” Mindy explained tearfully on the other end of the line.
“Arrested? What the hell for?”
“I don’t know, he wouldn’t tell me over the phone. Please, Tim.” Her voice was becoming urgent with panic, and Tim could hear Kaitlyn and the baby both crying in the background.
“Yeah, of course. I’ll be there in five minutes.” Tim didn’t wait for her to respond, hanging up the phone and placing it on the counter.
“What’s wrong?” Julie asked. He turned to find her watching him from her bedroom doorway, a worried expression creasing her brow.
Tim almost told her that it was nothing. Why bother Julie with his family’s problems? She was just his roommate, after all. That was the only thing she had ever agreed to be to him, and she had been making it pretty clear that that was all she wanted. But the way she took a step closer to him, her concern evident on her face, had him speaking before he could think about it any further.
“That was Mindy. Billy’s been arrested. I gotta go over there and watch the kids so Mindy can go bail him out,” Tim explained, scrubbing a frustrated hand through his hair. He grabbed his keys off the table and stepped around Julie, heading for the door.
“Oh,” Julie breathed, following him. “Wait, I’ll come with you.”
Tim stopped short at the door, turning to look back at her. “You don’t have to do that.”
“I know. But, I mean... you know,” she trailed off, giving him a shrug.
Tim didn’t really know, but the earnest expression on Julie’s face had him thinking that dealing with his undoubtedly furious sister-in-law and distraught niece and nephews might be easier with her by his side. He nodded and opened the door. She grabbed her bag off the table and followed him out.
***
The drive to Mindy and Billy’s was a tense, silent affair, Tim glaring out at the road as Julie cast periodic worried glances his way. She didn’t know what to say or do, or even if her presence was more of a hindrance than a help, but after seeing the look on his face as he spoke to Mindy on the phone, she couldn’t let him go alone. It was that simple.
Tim turned the truck onto his old street, parking in front of the house. The minivan was the only vehicle in the driveway. He killed the engine and got out of the truck without a word, and Julie followed him as he walked up to the house. The front door was unlocked, and he let them both in.
They were immediately plunged into the chaos of the house, as Mindy was in the midst of leaving another hysterical voicemail for her mother, the cordless phone wedged between her chin and shoulder, her arms full of bawling baby Hayden. Mindy turned as soon as she heard the door, dropping the phone and heaving a huge sigh.
“Thank god you’re here,” she said. Her face was damp with tears and streaked with mascara, and she had a weariness about her that was well beyond her mere 30 years.
Taking a step forward, Julie took the baby, and Mindy wordlessly grabbed her purse, heading for the front door. Tim followed her, the door closing behind them as they both disappeared outside. Julie turned and looked at Stevie and Kaitlyn, who sat together on the couch, silent and distressed.
“You guys want to watch a movie?” Julie asked softly, hopefully, as she had no idea what she was supposed to do with the two children if they would not submit to being entertained. Stevie looked up as if noticing her for the first time, and nodded stiffly. Kaitlyn sniffled and took her brother’s lead, nodding her little blond head.
“Okay,” Julie said, trying to take charge. “Why don’t you pick out a movie and hop into your pyjamas, and I’ll see if I can get Hayden to calm down a bit so we can actually hear the movie, all right?”
By the time Tim came back inside, Stevie and Kaitlyn were in their pyjamas, sharing a bowl of dry Froot Loops on the couch, engrossed in The Lion King, and Julie was preparing a bottle for Hayden, who had finally stopped crying.
“Min’s gonna go see if she can bail him out,” Tim said softly as he joined her in the kitchen. He filled the bottle with the formula Julie had warmed, testing its temperature on his wrist.
“Do you want to go with her?” Julie asked, taking the bottle from him and rearranging Hayden in her arms so she could feed him. “I can hold down the fort here, if you want to go.”
Tim shook his head, leaning back against the counter and glaring at the wall across from them. “Don’t think I’m ready to talk to Billy just yet,” he said, glancing at her and lowering his voice. “Mindy said he sounded drunk on the phone.”
“Do you think that’s why he got arrested?”
“Dunno. She was saying that he’s been going out with a couple of his guys from the garage a lot, drinking and stuff.”
Julie nodded, casting a glance over at the kids. She looked back at Tim. “I was thinking we could just watch a movie until they pass out. Does that work for you?”
“Yeah, sure,” Tim nodded, blowing out a frustrated sigh. Julie turned towards the living room, but stopped when Tim caught her elbow. “Thanks for doing this, and for coming with me. It’s really... Thanks.”
Julie smiled softly and shrugged one shoulder. “You’d do the same for me, right?”
“Yeah, I would,” Tim replied.
They headed into the living room and joined the kids, who wordlessly made room on the couch for their uncle. Julie sat in the chair, feeding Hayden and rocking him, just like she used to do with Gracie when she was in high school. Soon enough, Hayden was well fed, burped, and dozing happily. She put him to sleep in the master bedroom, and rejoined the movie during the chorus of “Hakuna Matata.” When she sat back down in the chair, Kaitlyn slid off the couch and wordlessly climbed into her lap, settling in for the rest of the movie.
Julie did her best to ignore the look Tim cast her way, just as she was ignoring the way her decision to keep things simple between them had been blown right out of the water, and she was the one who pulled the trigger.
Both Stevie and Kaitlyn had fallen asleep by the time the movie ended, and Tim and Julie managed to settle them into their beds without waking either of them. They were trying to quietly exit the bedroom when Mindy came in the front door, dropping her purse and jean jacket on one of the dining room chairs.
“What’s going on?” Tim asked, as Julie hung back, closing the bedroom door.
Mindy ran her hands through her hair and sighed a bone-deep sigh. “It’s a DUI. They’re keeping him in the drunk tank at least for tonight. The earliest he can go before a judge is tomorrow morning.”
“I’m sorry, Mins,” Tim replied, taking a step towards her.
“Yeah, well,” she shrugged, laughing a harsh, humourless laugh. “That’s what you get when you marry into a family of alcoholics, huh?”
Julie bit her lip, glancing at Tim, but he just nodded. “Call me if you need anything, all right?”
“I will,” Mindy said, her voice hollow. “Thanks for looking after the kids.”
“It’s fine.” Tim turned and looked at Julie. He nodded at her, and she hated to see the troubled look in his eyes. As they walked down to his truck, parked in the street, she had to shove her hands deep into the pockets of her jeans to keep them from reaching for one of his.
The drive home was as quiet as the drive there, and when Tim parked outside their building and turned off the engine, neither of them rushed to get out of the truck.
“I know Mindy’s upset, but she shouldn’t have said that,” Julie ventured softly, after a long silence.
“Mmm,” Tim replied noncommittally. “You didn’t think the same thing the night I got drunk and trashed the living room?”
Julie didn’t respond to that, just looked down, biting her lip. “Do you...” she began eventually, struggling to find the words, “I mean, do you want to quit drinking? Do you want to find a meeting?”
Tim frowned, looking down at this hands resting on the steering wheel. “Do you think I need to?”
Julie shrugged uncomfortably. “I don’t know, Tim. I don’t know if that’s something I can really answer. Maybe you do, maybe you don’t. But I think it’s important to remember that you’re not Billy. You know? He’s your brother and you have a lot of shared history, but you’re still separate people. You’re not... I mean, you can be whoever you want.”
Tim nodded, but his expression remained doubtful.
“I’m sorry this is happening,” Julie said softly. “Is there anything I can do?”
Tim shook his head almost imperceptibly, his eyes sad as he looked at her across the truck. Julie’s heart clenched in sympathy, and she searched for the right words to say. There were none, of course.
“If you could...” Tim began, his words trailing off abruptly as he continued to watch her.
“What? Tell me,” Julie urged.
Tim leaned in and pressed his lips to hers in a soft, barely-there kiss. Briefly stunned, it took her a moment to react, but within a beat she was tilting her head to kiss him back. Her hand came up to his cheek to deepen the kiss at the same moment he pulled away.
“Sorry,” he said gruffly, his forehead leaning against hers for an all too scant moment before he sat back in the driver’s seat and placed his hands on the steering wheel.
“Don’t say you’re sorry,” Julie replied. “It’s... it’s okay, Tim.”
“Go on inside,” he said. “I’m gonna drive around for a while. Clear my head.”
“Okay,” Julie murmured, not having the heart to argue with him. She wanted to say be careful or don’t stay out too late or if you stop for a drink, call me and I’ll come get you, but she knew those were all things a girlfriend would say. She was just his roommate; it wasn’t really her business. Except that it so obviously was. Finally, she simply said that she would see him soon, and she hopped out of the truck. He nodded to her once, absently, and drove off down their street without a word.
Julie stood in the halo of light beneath the street lamp, watching his brake lights disappear as he turned the corner.
***
Two days later, Julie had just gotten home from work and changed into her favourite lounging clothes when there was a knock on the door. Peering through the peep hole, she saw Billy standing on the other side, looking haggard. He had made bail on Thursday morning. That was what Tim had told her, at least, not that they had done a whole lot of talking. Tim had made himself extremely scarce since driving off that night.
Kissing your roommate did tend to make casual conversation a little awkward, she could admit.
Julie opened the door and leaned on the frame, not letting Billy in. “Tim’s not here,” she said simply.
Billy had the decency to look chagrined, which Julie took to mean that Mindy had informed him of the inconvenience he’d caused not only to Tim, but to her as well. “Any idea where he might be?”
“At work, maybe, but he’s usually done by now. I really don’t know where else he’d go.”
“Damn it,” Billy swore. “He’s been avoiding me like crazy. I hate it when he acts like this.”
Julie crossed her arms over her chest, annoyed. “Don’t you think that’s kind of understandable, Billy? I mean, he’s the one Mindy called in a panic when you were arrested.”
“You can stop right there, Julie,” Billy said. “We’ve been through this whole thing before. Lyla Garrity. That name ring a bell to you? She used to come around, looking down on Tim and me with all her crap, when she didn’t know shit about what we’ve been through together.”
“Excuse me?” Julie replied, not backing down in the slightest.
“I guess by now Tim’s told you all about what happened with the cars and all that, but it’s complicated, all right? There’s a lot to it that you wouldn’t understand.”
“What are you even talking about?” Julie snapped, irritated by his condescending tone. “What cars, Billy?”
Billy gaped at her, realisation seeming to dawn in his expression. “He hasn’t told you.”
“Told me what?”
Billy blew out a heavy sigh, scrubbing a hand through his hair. “I just assumed he woulda told you, but that was stupid. He probably hasn’t told anyone.”
“Told me what?” Julie repeated. “What the hell are you talking about, Billy?”
Billy didn’t reply immediately, regarding her closely out of the corner of his eye. “You cannot say anything to anyone about what I’m about to tell you,” he said, his voice low and serious.
Julie nodded.
“I mean it - not Tim, not Becky. Not even your dad.”
Julie nodded again, apprehensive.
“The chop shop. It was my idea; I set the whole thing up. I needed money for Mindy, with Stevie on the way, and I got stupid. Tim didn’t even know about it at first, and he only really found out by accident. I was trying to keep it from him. I think he helped because he wanted the money for this piece of land out on loop 39 that was for sale, and I guess because... Because I asked him, and he... He never could say no to me, you know? He asked me to stop, but it was too late by then. We’d already done a lot of cars. It was too late.” The words came out of Billy in a rush, almost of their own volition, as though he wasn’t even talking to her. As though they simply needed to be said aloud, regardless of who was listening.
“Oh my god,” Julie said, shaking her head. “Billy... How could you?”
He looked down. “There ain’t nothing you can say to me I haven’t said to myself a hundred times a day since he went away. I let my little brother go to prison for me. He wanted it that way, thought of it himself, wouldn’t take no for an answer, so I could stay with Mindy and Stevie, but... There are some things you just can’t forgive yourself for.”
“Why - why are you telling me this?” Julie asked, stricken.
Billy stepped away from the doorway, groaning and leaning on the railing as he looked out at the street below. He was quiet for a moment, then turned to look at her. “I think maybe you could be good for him. It wouldn’t be right to let you think he’s something he’s not.”
Julie was stunned into silence, and Billy made no attempt to explain further or defend himself. He left soon after. There was nothing left to say, after all.
She closed the door behind Billy and stood still in the middle of the living room, staring at the blank, duct-taped TV. Eventually she sat down on the couch and decided to just wait for Tim to come home. She needed to talk to him. She had no idea what she was going to say, but she knew she needed to talk to him.
It had never bothered her that Tim had spent time in prison, for to her he was still just Tim, not some hardened criminal. She never held it against him. But to know now that he spent four years in prison for something that had largely been Billy’s doing, she had no idea how to feel. At the moment, she just felt sad for him in a way that was impossible to articulate.
Julie’s head throbbed unhappily and she curled up on the couch, wiping a sleeve over her face as tears wet her cheeks. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to will the tears to stop.
When she opened her eyes again, it was much later; the sun had set and the apartment was dark and silent. She sat up, rubbing her tired eyes.
Standing up with the intention of heading for the kitchen, she caught a glimpse of movement out on the balcony. Tim was sitting out there in one of her parents’ beat up old folding chairs. She stood for a moment, unsure, and then walked over, pushing the sliding glass door aside to let herself out.
“Hey,” she said, sitting down in the other free chair and pulling her feet up onto it.
“Hey,” Tim replied. He was smoking a cigarette, a half-empty beer sitting on the concrete at his feet.
“I didn’t hear you come in, you ninja,” she said softly. He didn’t respond except to give a little nod. “How are you doing?”
Tim shrugged, reaching down and grabbing his beer to take a sip. Julie watched him closely, wondering what had been going through his head since the other night. Before she could stop herself, the words were tumbling out of her mouth. “Billy stopped by, looking for you. Tim, he... He told me what happened. What really happened, I mean, with the chop shop.”
Tim turned and fixed her with a look for a long moment before sighing harshly and turning away, running a hand through his hair. “He shouldn’t have done that.”
“I don’t understand. I mean... Why? Why did you confess to the whole thing?”
“Because it was Billy. He’s my brother, Jules. He’s my brother. He practically raised me. He’s done a lot of stupid things. We both have. But he had a family of his own - I couldn’t let him go down for it, not when he had Mindy and Stevie to look after. Not after everything he gave up for me. It was my turn to look after him.”
“Yeah, but he was still partly responsible! According to him, mostly responsible. I mean-”
“No, Jules. It was my turn.”
Julie stared, completely at a loss for words. He was noble, and honourable, and somehow capable of holding almost nothing against anyone who did him wrong. She’d known that for a long time, better perhaps than most people, and had somehow forgotten.
“What did you do when you found out you were for sure going to prison?” Julie asked softly.
Tim was silent for a long pause. He lifted his hand and cupped it against his mouth, taking a drag from his cigarette. He exhaled the smoke in a heavy sigh before stubbing the cigarette out in the ash tray at his side. “Cried.”
“Really?” she asked. Tim scrutinized her as if to check for any trace of mockery. There was none, of course - Julie felt more sombre than she had felt in a long time.
“Sure,” he replied. “I was scared as hell.”
Julie didn’t respond, simply watching his troubled face for a moment. She leaned across the small space that separated them, and pressed her lips to his, her fingers brushing against the rough stubble on his jaw. He tasted like beer and cigarettes. Julie shivered, and opened her mouth against his.
“Jules,” he said against her lips, pulling away. She didn’t let him finish, leaning in and kissing him again. He gave a ragged sigh and tilted his head, his tongue brushing against her bottom lip. Julie opened her mouth, sliding her hands up into his hair. He groaned, his hands finding their way to her shoulders to pull her closer to him.
They kissed that way for several minutes before Julie became impatient. “Inside, come on,” she said against his lips, standing and grabbing his hand before he could protest. She needn’t have worried; the hesitance seemed to have gone right out of him. She had barely closed the sliding door behind them before he was pressing her against it, kissing her and gripping her hips tightly in his hands.
Julie felt breathless and dizzy as he pulled her closer still. She slid her hands up to his neck, holding on as he turned and walked her gently back to the couch. Taking charge, Julie grabbed a handful of his shirt and pulled, tugging him along with her as she headed for her bedroom. It was dark as they passed through the open door, and neither of them made a move to turn on a light.
“You sure?” Tim asked, his voice low, as the backs of Julie’s knees bumped against her bed.
“I’m sure,” she replied, leaning up to kiss him again.
They collapsed onto the bed, Julie’s thighs falling open easily for Tim to settle in, pressing against her. Reaching up, Julie pulled at the hem of his shirt. Tim pushed her hands away and sat up, yanking the shirt over his head. Julie took the opportunity to squirm out of the tight t-shirt she wore, tossing it across the room before dropping her hands to his waist and working his fly open. She felt hurried, flushed and feverish, as Tim pulled her plain black yoga pants down over her hips, pausing to press a hot palm against her through her underwear. She shuddered, pulling him back down to kiss her and shoving his jeans off his hips with her feet.
Tim kissed his way down her neck and across her collarbone, pulling the straps of her pale green bra off her shoulders as he went. Julie inched herself backwards, sitting up a little so she could lean over and open the top drawer of her nightstand. Groping around in the semi-darkness, she hoped she still had condoms left over from the spring, when she and Nate were together. Her fingers passed over a square of foil and she grasped it, triumphant, as Tim hooked his fingers under the bands of her underwear and pulled them off.
Before Julie could catch a breath, Tim was over her again, his erection pressing insistently against her thigh as he kissed her. One of his hands ghosted along her hip and down between her legs, and Julie gasped as he pushed a finger inside her. Face flaming, she gripped his hair in her hands and bit her lip, wondering if she ought to be embarrassed at how turned on she was right now.
Tim didn’t seem to think anything of it, kissing his way across her chest, pushing the cup of her bra out of the way to take one hard nipple into his mouth.
Julie moaned, her stomach clenching hard in anticipation. As Tim’s teeth scraped against her sensitive skin, she felt overcome with urgency, and pushed Tim away a little so she could reach down and shove his boxers out of the way. Tearing the condom open and tossing the wrapper aside, she slid it on over him. This time, it was Tim who moaned, holding himself up and bracing his weight on his forearms as Julie gripped him firmly in one hand.
Without a word, he pushed inside her, pressing his hips into hers and hooking one of her legs over his hip.
“Oh god,” Julie gasped, grabbing onto his upper arms for support. She tried to catch his eye, but he had an intense, almost grim look of concentration on his face. Gone was her funny, sweet Tim; he seemed to have been replaced by someone far more remote.
He drew his hips back and thrust into her, forcing her legs even further apart. Julie moaned out a sound that might have been his name, gripping his hair in her hands as they began to pick up a steady, driving rhythm.
“Tim,” she gasped. His eyes were closed, and he leaned in and buried his face against her neck. She pulled at his hair, forcing him to look at her. “Please - don’t disappear on me.”
Tim’s movements slowed, and his eyes met hers under brows drawn together in a troubled frown. Sliding his arms underneath her to hold her tightly to him, he sat up and back, so she was in his lap. Julie moaned as the change in angle forced him deeper inside her. Threading her arms around his neck, she leaned down and kissed him. She felt his hands slide up her back and undo her bra, tossing it aside as he kissed his way down her throat.
Recovering from the change, Julie rolled her hips against his in a small circle, sighing when Tim’s hands dropped to her waist and he began to thrust up with her, his hands gently guiding her movements.
Julie choked out a moan as the sensations intensified, their bodies straining urgently against one another. Tim slid a hand down and began rubbing her clit with the pad of his thumb, pressing harder with each pass. Julie cried out, her spine stiffening as she felt the pressure inside became overwhelming.
Tim ground her hips down hard against his, and Julie gasped, her movements stilling as the pressure broke and she came. She could only hold onto him and ride the waves out, her fingernails digging into his scalp. Tim didn’t stop, pushing her back onto the bed and dragging his teeth against her collarbone. He leaned back, gripping her hips in his hands as he continued to thrust through her orgasm.
Practically boneless, she reached back and braced her hands against the shelves on her headboard, trying to find purchase as his thrusts became hard.
“Say something,” he whispered roughly.
“Wh-like what?” Julie asked, her mind reeling.
“Anything.”
Julie stared, open-mouthed, at the ceiling above them. The bed creaked, and Tim’s entire body was trembling against hers.
“I tried, but... I-I can’t... I can’t stop thinking about you,” she gasped.
Tim’s movements shuddered, and gripped her hips so hard that Julie winced. He came with a groan before collapsing against her, panting.
The sound of their ragged breathing filled the room. “Sorry,” Tim said, after a long pause. He was shaking.
Julie frowned, trying to get a glimpse of his face. She couldn’t see it, obscured as it was by his hair. He leaned back a little, flicking his damp hair out of his eyes. He was crying silently, an awful expression of pain on his face. Stunned and at a loss for words, Julie brought her arms up around his shoulders and hugged him.
He heaved a huge sigh and buried his face in her neck, holding her tightly to him.
“It’s okay, Tim,” she whispered, stricken. “It’s gonna be okay.”
They lay in silence for a long time, Julie idly combing her fingers through his hair as their racing hearts slowed. His head rested on her chest, and she could feel the tension in his body. She stayed still, trying to get him to relax while silently contemplating the mess she was in. She was pretty sure that sleeping with your ex-con roommate, who happened to have enough emotional baggage to sink a ship, was typically a terrible idea.
Tim shifted against her and sighed heavily, his body finally relaxing a bit. “I’m sorry,” he said roughly.
“It’s all right,” Julie said, despite the anxiety and trepidation which bothered her now, too. “This is... We’re... It’s a lot to process.”
Tim lifted his head and looked at her. His face was ashen and the circles under his eyes looked ghastly. “It’s not all right,” he said gruffly. “You shouldn’t have to... I probably shouldn’t be doing this with anybody right now. Least of all you.”
Julie sighed and tilted her head to meet his eyes. “If this is gonna be about how you can’t be with anyone right now because you’re damaged goods and you’re going to ruin my life or something, could we maybe save it for tomorrow? I don’t know if I can deal with you pushing me away right now.”
Tim contemplated her silently for a moment, frowning. “You must be even crazier than I am.”
“Maybe,” Julie admitted, smiling. She pulled him close, furrowing her fingers through his hair, and kissed him. He kissed her back, his hands framing her face. After a moment, he moved his weight off of her and curled up against her back, pulling her to his chest. Julie grabbed his hand from where it rested on her hip and laced her fingers with his, holding their joined hands to her chest.
“We’ll talk in the morning, okay?” she whispered, closing her eyes.
The last thing she felt was Tim sigh into her hair as he nodded, pressing his forehead against the crown of her head.
Part VI
Author: lindentree
Rating: M
Character(s): Tim/Julie
Word Count: 8,335
Summary: This is an AU which takes place four years after 4x13 "Thanksgiving." Tim is an ex-convict and Julie is a college graduate, and both of them now know that in this life, there are no guarantees.
We cover a lot of ground in this part, so get comfortable. :) Thanks to ishie for reassuring me that it doesn't fail totally. ♥
They came to tell your faults to me,
They named them over one by one;
I laughed aloud when they were done.
I knew them all so well before,-
Oh, they were blind, too blind to see
Your faults had made me love you more.
Sara Teasdale, “Faults”
A full day passed before Julie saw Tim again. The morning after his drinking binge, he hadn’t emerged from his bedroom by the time Julie left for work. She stood in the middle of the living room, gnawing her bottom lip and trying to decide if she should wake him up or not. Finally, she concluded that she was not his mother, and getting him to work was not her job. She left enough hot coffee to get him on his feet, and set her sights on ensuring that she, at least, arrived at work on time.
Julie lingered at work that evening, not in any real hurry to get home, although she found that her frustration faded as the day wore on. Later, she arrived to find Tim asleep on the couch, his face buried in the cushions. The TV was on, a baseball game playing on the screen. She put her purse down and sighed, frowning when she caught a glimpse of the table. It was set for dinner, plates and cutlery sitting untouched.
“Hey,” Tim said gruffly. Julie looked over to find him sitting up, pushing his disorderly hair out of his face.
“Hey,” Julie greeted him as he stood up, coming over to meet her at the table. “What’s all this?”
“I was gonna make dinner, but it didn’t work out so well,” he frowned, scratching his head, and Julie felt her annoyance fade further. She bit her lip to fight off the smile that threatened to spread across her face.
“It didn’t work out?” she asked, hoping she sounded unimpressed.
“Not so much. I was thinking maybe I could buy you pizza, instead. Kind of a peace offering.” Before she could respond, Tim continued. “I wanted to say sorry about last night.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, I mean, I woke up thinking I’d have to clean all that up, and you’d already taken care of it.”
Julie shrugged, looking away. “Yeah, well, it was gross. I did it more for me than for you.”
He watched her for a moment and then nodded. “Still. I’m sorry.”
Julie nodded, accepting his apology. “Are you okay?”
“Been through worse,” he replied, shrugging carelessly.
Julie regarded him, wondering if he even remembered having the nightmare. Certainly he didn’t seem to realise that she had heard him, or wasn’t going to bring it up if he did. It was just as well, she thought, for she had no idea what to say to him, anyway.
“So...” she said, crossing her arms over her chest and looking down. “You said something about pizza?”
“Yeah,” he replied, smiling hopefully. “You game?”
“I’m pretty hungry,” she admitted with a shrug. “It’s been hours since I had lunch.”
Tim stood, grabbing the cordless phone off the coffee table. “Hold tight. I’m on it. Pick a movie - whatever you want.”
“On my pizza, could I get -”
“Greek, no onions,” Tim interrupted her, cradling the phone in his shoulder. “I know what you like on your pizza by now, Jules.”
Nodding, Julie went into the kitchen to get herself a soda. She probably shouldn’t have made it so easy for him to win her over, but it was clear he was sorry, and she wasn’t convinced that he was as okay as he said, either.
As for the pizza, she chose not to think too hard about the fact that she’d had boyfriends who had taken longer to remember what she liked on her pizza.
No, she wasn’t going to think too hard about that at all.
***
Becky came over the following evening with a short stack of DVDs and a shoebox filled with chocolate chip cookies she had baked. “Just for you,” she said. “Don’t let Tim get into them, he’ll just eat them all.”
The girls deliberately chose an evening when Julie knew Tim would be at Billy’s, an idea which seemed to thrill Becky, as though they were breaking a rule. “He’ll be so mad when he finds out,” she giggled, pouring both of them a soda in the kitchen as Julie threw a bag of popcorn into the microwave. “He’ll think we’re talking about him!”
Julie smiled, privately thinking that Becky may be overestimating Tim’s willingness to care about what other people were doing.
They popped in one of the movies, a romantic comedy, and settled into the couch with their drinks and snacks. The opening credit sequence had barely passed before Becky started talking about her job at the movie theatre and how lame it was to still be living at home, before grilling Julie about going to college in California. Soon enough, their conversation turned back to Tim, as Becky related the story of how they got to know one another, and how he was the first guy she ever loved.
“I mean loved,” Becky insisted. “I know it sounds stupid and babyish, but I really did love him. I still do, just not the same way, you know?”
Julie nodded. “He kind of has that effect on people.”
Becky turned, giving her the eagle eye. “So, do you...?”
“I care about him,” Julie said deliberately, after a pause. Becky nodded.
“Tim’s a really special person,” she said, digging a hand into the bowl of popcorn that sat between them.
Observing the younger girl out of the corner of her eye, Julie smiled. “Yeah, I know.”
“No, I mean he’s a really special person. He’s been through a lot. I wish... I wish I could be there for him, but he doesn’t want to talk about prison. Even his letters, that whole time, he could have been writing from summer camp, the way he went on. He just wrote about things he saw in magazines or on TV, or stuff I sent him, or whatever he was doing in his classes. I don’t know if he was trying to protect me or what, but something happened to him in there. He’s not the same as he was.”
Julie froze. She thought about Tim as she’d known him in high school, easygoing, funny, protective Tim Riggins, who looked out for her and drove her to school and glowed from the inside out when Lyla Garrity loved him back. Even Julie could see that he wasn’t the same.
“He was the only person who was there for me when I was going through some really hard stuff,” Becky continued. “He protected me, and he supported me. He was the only reason I thought that things might turn out to be okay.” Her voice trailed off softly, and Julie glanced over at her. Becky was nearly crying, her chin quivering. “Now I’m just worried that he’s not going to be okay,” Becky said, reaching up and wiping a tear which slid down one cheek.
“Oh, Becky,” Julie sighed, reaching out a hand and touching her shoulder. The other girl turned and looked at her, and Julie opened her arms. Suddenly they were hugging, Becky’s dark curls tickling Julie’s nose. “I think he’s going to be okay, eventually,” Julie said softly. “He probably just needs some time to get on his feet, you know?”
“Yeah,” Becky replied, her voice wavering. “Will you try to help him? You see him every day, I don’t. I have to go back to college soon.”
Julie pulled back to observe Becky’s earnest face. “I... I don’t know if it really works that way. I mean, you can’t just fix another person, you know? It’s not that simple.”
“Yeah. I guess you’re right about that,” Becky murmured, her voice troubled. “But you’ll be his friend, at least, right?”
“I’ll be his friend,” Julie assured her.
Becky pulled away, wiping at her teary eyes. “He really likes you, he told me. If he’s got you, he’s bound to be okay, right?”
Julie nodded, trying to smile confidently for Becky’s benefit. But she wasn’t so sure. She and Tim were just roommates. How was she supposed to help him when she didn’t know what he needed and barely understood what was wrong?
Worse still, she thought guiltily, she wasn’t convinced it was her responsibility.
***
Mindy went into labour one stormy, sweltering Friday night in early September. Tim and Julie were grocery shopping when they got the call, Julie’s cell phone erupting with a barrage of texts from Billy. Julie read them in the freezer aisle of the supermarket, glancing up as Tim walked ahead of her with the shopping cart. Flipping her phone closed, she picked up her pace to catch him, her flip-flops slapping noisily against the slick linoleum.
“Tim?” She skidded to a stop next to him. He was examining a display featuring an array of crazy straws.
“I know they’re for little kids,” he mused, picking up a package and examining it. “But still.”
“Did you by any chance give Billy my cell phone number for emergencies?” she asked, crossing her arms over her chest.
“Yeah,” he replied, turning to look at her with a frown. “Why?”
“Ah. Well, I just got about seventy-five texts from Billy, looking for you. I think you’re about to become an uncle again.” Julie handed him her phone, and he quickly read the texts. While he was doing so, the phone rang, and Tim answered it.
“We’ll be there as soon as we can,” Tim reassured his brother. “Just tell Mins to hold on. I missed Katie being born, I don’t want to miss this one, all right?” He hung up and passed the phone back to Julie. “Come on,” he said, turning and abandoning their half-full shopping cart in the middle of the aisle.
Julie followed him, trying to keep up with his long strides. “What’s going on? Are they at the hospital already?”
“Yeah,” he replied, holding the front door of the grocery store open for her. “Came on kinda fast, I guess. She’s not even due for another couple of weeks.”
“Oh.” Julie frowned as they came to a stop at Tim’s truck and hopped in. He gunned the engine and peeled out of the parking lot. “But that’s pretty normal though, right? Like, she’ll be okay, won’t she?”
“I’m sure she will, but Billy’s flipping out. You mind coming along? I don’t want to drive back home and then all the way across town to the hospital, just in case.”
“No, that’s okay,” Julie replied, although sitting at the hospital with the Riggins clan hadn’t really been in her plans for the evening.
They arrived at the hospital relatively quickly, finding themselves directed to a nearly empty waiting room with a TV set to CNN.
“Where are the kids?” Julie asked, dropping herself down onto one of the uncomfortable plastic chairs.
“Billy said Mindy’s mom came and picked ‘em up and took ‘em to her place, and Mr. Garrity’s looking after them so she can be here,” Tim replied, sitting down next to her and stretching his legs out in front of him.
“Oh. So I guess there’s not a lot for us to do to help, then, is there?”
“Not really,” Tim replied. He glanced at her somewhat ruefully. “Sorry. You want me to find you a way home?”
“No, no! It’s fine. I’ll keep you company, at least,” Julie said. Tim smiled back at her before turning his eyes toward the TV mounted in the corner.
Then, there was nothing to do but wait.
***
“Is there a Tim Riggins here?” a voice asked, disrupting the game of Tic-Tac-Toe Tim and Julie had going on. Tim was up in an instant.
“Come on,” he said, gesturing at Julie as he followed the nurse who had called his name. She led him through a labyrinth of corridors before coming to a stop in front of a room. She held the door open for him and smiled encouragingly.
“Go on,” she said, nodding.
Tim entered the room to find his brother and Mindy’s mom gathered around the bed, where Mindy was reclining with a small bundle of blankets in her arms. She looked exhausted, but nodded at him to come closer. He came to stand next to the bed, clapping an arm over his brother’s shoulder.
“This is Hayden. Hayden Timothy Riggins,” Mindy said, smiling. Tim looked down at the small shape in her arms, wrapped snugly in a soft yellow blanket. He looked just like Stevie had when he was born.
“He’s awesome, Mins,” he said, looking first at her, then at his brother, who was standing anxiously over Mindy’s shoulder like this was his first time rather than his third. Mindy’s mother beamed at her daughter. Tim smiled, and turned to let Julie in closer to see the baby, only to find that she wasn’t there. She must not have followed him in.
“Hold on a sec,” he said, leaving the happy little family and walking back out into the hallway. He found Julie halfway back to the waiting area, leaning against a wall with her hands shoved in her pockets, looking awkward.
“Hey,” he said, coming up to her. “I thought you came in with me.”
“I thought maybe I should give you some time alone with them,” Julie replied, looking embarrassed. “I mean, I’m not really...” she trailed off.
“Don’t be stupid,” Tim said, reaching down and taking her hand. “I wanna show off my new nephew; come on.”
Julie allowed him to pull her along behind him, leading her into the room. Baby Hayden and Julie were introduced, and Tim glanced over to see Julie smiling at Mindy and Billy, her eyes warm.
“Congratulations, you guys,” she said softly. “He’s beautiful.” The expression on her face made Tim’s breath catch, and he cleared his throat. Julie’s eyes met his, and they both seemed to realise at the same moment that her hand was still clasped in his. Julie blushed and pulled her hand away, rubbing it briefly against her thigh as though she’d burned it.
“Why don’t I go pick Stevie and Katie up from Mr. Garrity’s and bring them?” Julie offered. “They must be getting pretty sick of watching Lions game tape by now.”
“Oh honey, don’t be silly,” Angela said, standing up from the chair next to Mindy’s bed. “I’ll go get the kids.”
“No, you should stay!” Julie insisted. “I can go, it’s really not a big deal.” Tim glanced at her.
“If you don’t mind, that would be awesome,” Billy replied earnestly. “You can take the van. It’s out front, and it’s got the car seats and all that.”
“I’ll come,” Tim said, taking a step towards Julie as she took the keys from Billy and headed towards the door.
“No! No, that’s okay. I can handle them. You stay here and get acquainted,” she said, smiling briskly at the others. “See you later.”
The door thumped closed behind her, and she was gone. Tim frowned and turned back towards the bed.
“Damn,” Billy muttered. “I’m hungry. Shoulda got her to pick us up some Alamo Freeze, too.”
***
Julie drove Billy and Mindy’s clunky old Dodge Caravan down Murphy Street, heading in the direction of Buddy and Angela’s house. The headlights shone off the shiny pavement, which had been dampened by the rain that evening. It was still raining, and the old rubber wipers did a poor job of keeping the windshield clear. The dreary weather was, Julie felt, rather fitting. It suited her mood perfectly.
She’d been in a great mood for most of the day, but that had all changed, standing in that hospital room welcoming the newest Riggins into the world.
When she looked at that baby, and saw the way Tim looked at him, the first thought that entered her mind was that Tim would, in spite of, or perhaps because of everything, make a great father. The second was that the two of them would have really cute babies.
These were not things she had ever imagined with Nate. Not even, if she was really honest with herself, had she imagined them with Matt. They’d been so young that Julie never thought much further than college. Julie wasn’t even sure she wanted to have children with anyone.
The hospital room shrank in that moment, as though all the oxygen had gone out of the room. Julie had to get out, and she latched onto the first opportunity to do so. Not particularly brave, but right now, Julie couldn’t bring herself to care.
Julie took the turn into Buddy and Angela’s neighbourhood, peering to find the right address. She had left in such haste that she hadn’t gotten directions from Billy, and had to call her dad to ask for Buddy’s address. The phone call had been terse, and only became more awkward when Julie explained why she needed the address.
Sighing, Julie parked the van and unbuckled her seatbelt. She couldn’t think about her dad’s disapproval of Tim on top of everything else.
She could deal with being attracted to Tim. It wasn’t hard to do; she was by no means the first girl to fall victim to his more obvious charms. It was everything else that tripped her up - their conversations, his company, the way they had started to look out for each other.
The ease with which they had settled into each other’s lives was starting to alarm her. It had never been like this with her other roommates. It hadn’t even really been like this with Nate. Even though she spent a lot of time at his place, she had only ever felt like a guest, like his girlfriend staying the night. They’d never truly shared a home, and honestly, that had never really bothered her.
She felt like she was sharing more with Tim every day, and he was only supposed to be her roommate, nothing more than that. Yet her feelings for him stretched beyond that nothing more and into a no-man’s-land for which she had no compass, no map. There were no boundaries, and it was starting to scare her.
Julie started as the yard was suddenly illuminated by Buddy’s porch light. The front door opened and the former booster stood on the stoop, peering out at her. Shaking off her worries, Julie hopped out of the van and waved, walking up to the house. Right now, she had to worry about dealing with the younger Rigginses.
But tomorrow, she was going to have to find some way to push Tim back into the familiar territory of roommate and casual friend. Anything else left Julie with more uncertainty than she could handle.
***
Tim was going crazy, and unfortunately, the only solution he could come up with was to talk to Julie. This was difficult, because Julie herself was the problem.
All week long, she’d been acting weird. She was quiet on the drive home from the hospital the night Hayden was born, disappearing into her bedroom immediately upon their arrival with barely more than a mumbled goodnight. The rest of the week, she worked late and ate dinner at her parents’, or simply said she was “busy” before slipping out the door. They didn’t eat together or watch TV even once all week, and it was the loneliest Tim had felt in a long time.
For all that he wanted peace and space to himself, he had come to rely on Julie’s company, and her sudden remoteness was confusing and painful. It didn’t take a genius to know something was wrong, but he couldn’t figure out what he had done.
On Wednesday, she seemed to run out of ways to avoid him, and was reading in her bedroom when he arrived home from work. He took a shower and threw on an old Panthers t-shirt and clean jeans, surveying the mess of dirty laundry in his bedroom. Figuring a trip to the Laundromat would be a good excuse to talk to her, he knocked on her bedroom door.
“Yeah?” she answered. He opened the door a crack and poked his head in. Julie was stretched out on her back, a novel resting on her stomach. She glanced up at him.
“Hey. You thought about dinner yet?” he asked.
“I had a big lunch, so I’m not that hungry.”
He nodded. “I got a ton of laundry to do. You wanna swing by the Laundromat later?”
Julie shook her head, returning her attention to her book. “Nah, I’m good. I took some stuff over to my parents’ already this week.”
“Oh,” Tim replied, frowning slightly. He watched her for a moment as she pointedly ignored him, reading her book. “Listen, Jules, I don’t know if I did something, but-” he was interrupted by the shrill ringing of the phone. Sparing a glance at her over his shoulder, he went back into the living room, found the cordless phone, and answered it.
“Tim, I need you to come to the house and watch the kids. Billy got arrested, and I can’t get a hold of my mom,” Mindy explained tearfully on the other end of the line.
“Arrested? What the hell for?”
“I don’t know, he wouldn’t tell me over the phone. Please, Tim.” Her voice was becoming urgent with panic, and Tim could hear Kaitlyn and the baby both crying in the background.
“Yeah, of course. I’ll be there in five minutes.” Tim didn’t wait for her to respond, hanging up the phone and placing it on the counter.
“What’s wrong?” Julie asked. He turned to find her watching him from her bedroom doorway, a worried expression creasing her brow.
Tim almost told her that it was nothing. Why bother Julie with his family’s problems? She was just his roommate, after all. That was the only thing she had ever agreed to be to him, and she had been making it pretty clear that that was all she wanted. But the way she took a step closer to him, her concern evident on her face, had him speaking before he could think about it any further.
“That was Mindy. Billy’s been arrested. I gotta go over there and watch the kids so Mindy can go bail him out,” Tim explained, scrubbing a frustrated hand through his hair. He grabbed his keys off the table and stepped around Julie, heading for the door.
“Oh,” Julie breathed, following him. “Wait, I’ll come with you.”
Tim stopped short at the door, turning to look back at her. “You don’t have to do that.”
“I know. But, I mean... you know,” she trailed off, giving him a shrug.
Tim didn’t really know, but the earnest expression on Julie’s face had him thinking that dealing with his undoubtedly furious sister-in-law and distraught niece and nephews might be easier with her by his side. He nodded and opened the door. She grabbed her bag off the table and followed him out.
***
The drive to Mindy and Billy’s was a tense, silent affair, Tim glaring out at the road as Julie cast periodic worried glances his way. She didn’t know what to say or do, or even if her presence was more of a hindrance than a help, but after seeing the look on his face as he spoke to Mindy on the phone, she couldn’t let him go alone. It was that simple.
Tim turned the truck onto his old street, parking in front of the house. The minivan was the only vehicle in the driveway. He killed the engine and got out of the truck without a word, and Julie followed him as he walked up to the house. The front door was unlocked, and he let them both in.
They were immediately plunged into the chaos of the house, as Mindy was in the midst of leaving another hysterical voicemail for her mother, the cordless phone wedged between her chin and shoulder, her arms full of bawling baby Hayden. Mindy turned as soon as she heard the door, dropping the phone and heaving a huge sigh.
“Thank god you’re here,” she said. Her face was damp with tears and streaked with mascara, and she had a weariness about her that was well beyond her mere 30 years.
Taking a step forward, Julie took the baby, and Mindy wordlessly grabbed her purse, heading for the front door. Tim followed her, the door closing behind them as they both disappeared outside. Julie turned and looked at Stevie and Kaitlyn, who sat together on the couch, silent and distressed.
“You guys want to watch a movie?” Julie asked softly, hopefully, as she had no idea what she was supposed to do with the two children if they would not submit to being entertained. Stevie looked up as if noticing her for the first time, and nodded stiffly. Kaitlyn sniffled and took her brother’s lead, nodding her little blond head.
“Okay,” Julie said, trying to take charge. “Why don’t you pick out a movie and hop into your pyjamas, and I’ll see if I can get Hayden to calm down a bit so we can actually hear the movie, all right?”
By the time Tim came back inside, Stevie and Kaitlyn were in their pyjamas, sharing a bowl of dry Froot Loops on the couch, engrossed in The Lion King, and Julie was preparing a bottle for Hayden, who had finally stopped crying.
“Min’s gonna go see if she can bail him out,” Tim said softly as he joined her in the kitchen. He filled the bottle with the formula Julie had warmed, testing its temperature on his wrist.
“Do you want to go with her?” Julie asked, taking the bottle from him and rearranging Hayden in her arms so she could feed him. “I can hold down the fort here, if you want to go.”
Tim shook his head, leaning back against the counter and glaring at the wall across from them. “Don’t think I’m ready to talk to Billy just yet,” he said, glancing at her and lowering his voice. “Mindy said he sounded drunk on the phone.”
“Do you think that’s why he got arrested?”
“Dunno. She was saying that he’s been going out with a couple of his guys from the garage a lot, drinking and stuff.”
Julie nodded, casting a glance over at the kids. She looked back at Tim. “I was thinking we could just watch a movie until they pass out. Does that work for you?”
“Yeah, sure,” Tim nodded, blowing out a frustrated sigh. Julie turned towards the living room, but stopped when Tim caught her elbow. “Thanks for doing this, and for coming with me. It’s really... Thanks.”
Julie smiled softly and shrugged one shoulder. “You’d do the same for me, right?”
“Yeah, I would,” Tim replied.
They headed into the living room and joined the kids, who wordlessly made room on the couch for their uncle. Julie sat in the chair, feeding Hayden and rocking him, just like she used to do with Gracie when she was in high school. Soon enough, Hayden was well fed, burped, and dozing happily. She put him to sleep in the master bedroom, and rejoined the movie during the chorus of “Hakuna Matata.” When she sat back down in the chair, Kaitlyn slid off the couch and wordlessly climbed into her lap, settling in for the rest of the movie.
Julie did her best to ignore the look Tim cast her way, just as she was ignoring the way her decision to keep things simple between them had been blown right out of the water, and she was the one who pulled the trigger.
Both Stevie and Kaitlyn had fallen asleep by the time the movie ended, and Tim and Julie managed to settle them into their beds without waking either of them. They were trying to quietly exit the bedroom when Mindy came in the front door, dropping her purse and jean jacket on one of the dining room chairs.
“What’s going on?” Tim asked, as Julie hung back, closing the bedroom door.
Mindy ran her hands through her hair and sighed a bone-deep sigh. “It’s a DUI. They’re keeping him in the drunk tank at least for tonight. The earliest he can go before a judge is tomorrow morning.”
“I’m sorry, Mins,” Tim replied, taking a step towards her.
“Yeah, well,” she shrugged, laughing a harsh, humourless laugh. “That’s what you get when you marry into a family of alcoholics, huh?”
Julie bit her lip, glancing at Tim, but he just nodded. “Call me if you need anything, all right?”
“I will,” Mindy said, her voice hollow. “Thanks for looking after the kids.”
“It’s fine.” Tim turned and looked at Julie. He nodded at her, and she hated to see the troubled look in his eyes. As they walked down to his truck, parked in the street, she had to shove her hands deep into the pockets of her jeans to keep them from reaching for one of his.
The drive home was as quiet as the drive there, and when Tim parked outside their building and turned off the engine, neither of them rushed to get out of the truck.
“I know Mindy’s upset, but she shouldn’t have said that,” Julie ventured softly, after a long silence.
“Mmm,” Tim replied noncommittally. “You didn’t think the same thing the night I got drunk and trashed the living room?”
Julie didn’t respond to that, just looked down, biting her lip. “Do you...” she began eventually, struggling to find the words, “I mean, do you want to quit drinking? Do you want to find a meeting?”
Tim frowned, looking down at this hands resting on the steering wheel. “Do you think I need to?”
Julie shrugged uncomfortably. “I don’t know, Tim. I don’t know if that’s something I can really answer. Maybe you do, maybe you don’t. But I think it’s important to remember that you’re not Billy. You know? He’s your brother and you have a lot of shared history, but you’re still separate people. You’re not... I mean, you can be whoever you want.”
Tim nodded, but his expression remained doubtful.
“I’m sorry this is happening,” Julie said softly. “Is there anything I can do?”
Tim shook his head almost imperceptibly, his eyes sad as he looked at her across the truck. Julie’s heart clenched in sympathy, and she searched for the right words to say. There were none, of course.
“If you could...” Tim began, his words trailing off abruptly as he continued to watch her.
“What? Tell me,” Julie urged.
Tim leaned in and pressed his lips to hers in a soft, barely-there kiss. Briefly stunned, it took her a moment to react, but within a beat she was tilting her head to kiss him back. Her hand came up to his cheek to deepen the kiss at the same moment he pulled away.
“Sorry,” he said gruffly, his forehead leaning against hers for an all too scant moment before he sat back in the driver’s seat and placed his hands on the steering wheel.
“Don’t say you’re sorry,” Julie replied. “It’s... it’s okay, Tim.”
“Go on inside,” he said. “I’m gonna drive around for a while. Clear my head.”
“Okay,” Julie murmured, not having the heart to argue with him. She wanted to say be careful or don’t stay out too late or if you stop for a drink, call me and I’ll come get you, but she knew those were all things a girlfriend would say. She was just his roommate; it wasn’t really her business. Except that it so obviously was. Finally, she simply said that she would see him soon, and she hopped out of the truck. He nodded to her once, absently, and drove off down their street without a word.
Julie stood in the halo of light beneath the street lamp, watching his brake lights disappear as he turned the corner.
***
Two days later, Julie had just gotten home from work and changed into her favourite lounging clothes when there was a knock on the door. Peering through the peep hole, she saw Billy standing on the other side, looking haggard. He had made bail on Thursday morning. That was what Tim had told her, at least, not that they had done a whole lot of talking. Tim had made himself extremely scarce since driving off that night.
Kissing your roommate did tend to make casual conversation a little awkward, she could admit.
Julie opened the door and leaned on the frame, not letting Billy in. “Tim’s not here,” she said simply.
Billy had the decency to look chagrined, which Julie took to mean that Mindy had informed him of the inconvenience he’d caused not only to Tim, but to her as well. “Any idea where he might be?”
“At work, maybe, but he’s usually done by now. I really don’t know where else he’d go.”
“Damn it,” Billy swore. “He’s been avoiding me like crazy. I hate it when he acts like this.”
Julie crossed her arms over her chest, annoyed. “Don’t you think that’s kind of understandable, Billy? I mean, he’s the one Mindy called in a panic when you were arrested.”
“You can stop right there, Julie,” Billy said. “We’ve been through this whole thing before. Lyla Garrity. That name ring a bell to you? She used to come around, looking down on Tim and me with all her crap, when she didn’t know shit about what we’ve been through together.”
“Excuse me?” Julie replied, not backing down in the slightest.
“I guess by now Tim’s told you all about what happened with the cars and all that, but it’s complicated, all right? There’s a lot to it that you wouldn’t understand.”
“What are you even talking about?” Julie snapped, irritated by his condescending tone. “What cars, Billy?”
Billy gaped at her, realisation seeming to dawn in his expression. “He hasn’t told you.”
“Told me what?”
Billy blew out a heavy sigh, scrubbing a hand through his hair. “I just assumed he woulda told you, but that was stupid. He probably hasn’t told anyone.”
“Told me what?” Julie repeated. “What the hell are you talking about, Billy?”
Billy didn’t reply immediately, regarding her closely out of the corner of his eye. “You cannot say anything to anyone about what I’m about to tell you,” he said, his voice low and serious.
Julie nodded.
“I mean it - not Tim, not Becky. Not even your dad.”
Julie nodded again, apprehensive.
“The chop shop. It was my idea; I set the whole thing up. I needed money for Mindy, with Stevie on the way, and I got stupid. Tim didn’t even know about it at first, and he only really found out by accident. I was trying to keep it from him. I think he helped because he wanted the money for this piece of land out on loop 39 that was for sale, and I guess because... Because I asked him, and he... He never could say no to me, you know? He asked me to stop, but it was too late by then. We’d already done a lot of cars. It was too late.” The words came out of Billy in a rush, almost of their own volition, as though he wasn’t even talking to her. As though they simply needed to be said aloud, regardless of who was listening.
“Oh my god,” Julie said, shaking her head. “Billy... How could you?”
He looked down. “There ain’t nothing you can say to me I haven’t said to myself a hundred times a day since he went away. I let my little brother go to prison for me. He wanted it that way, thought of it himself, wouldn’t take no for an answer, so I could stay with Mindy and Stevie, but... There are some things you just can’t forgive yourself for.”
“Why - why are you telling me this?” Julie asked, stricken.
Billy stepped away from the doorway, groaning and leaning on the railing as he looked out at the street below. He was quiet for a moment, then turned to look at her. “I think maybe you could be good for him. It wouldn’t be right to let you think he’s something he’s not.”
Julie was stunned into silence, and Billy made no attempt to explain further or defend himself. He left soon after. There was nothing left to say, after all.
She closed the door behind Billy and stood still in the middle of the living room, staring at the blank, duct-taped TV. Eventually she sat down on the couch and decided to just wait for Tim to come home. She needed to talk to him. She had no idea what she was going to say, but she knew she needed to talk to him.
It had never bothered her that Tim had spent time in prison, for to her he was still just Tim, not some hardened criminal. She never held it against him. But to know now that he spent four years in prison for something that had largely been Billy’s doing, she had no idea how to feel. At the moment, she just felt sad for him in a way that was impossible to articulate.
Julie’s head throbbed unhappily and she curled up on the couch, wiping a sleeve over her face as tears wet her cheeks. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to will the tears to stop.
When she opened her eyes again, it was much later; the sun had set and the apartment was dark and silent. She sat up, rubbing her tired eyes.
Standing up with the intention of heading for the kitchen, she caught a glimpse of movement out on the balcony. Tim was sitting out there in one of her parents’ beat up old folding chairs. She stood for a moment, unsure, and then walked over, pushing the sliding glass door aside to let herself out.
“Hey,” she said, sitting down in the other free chair and pulling her feet up onto it.
“Hey,” Tim replied. He was smoking a cigarette, a half-empty beer sitting on the concrete at his feet.
“I didn’t hear you come in, you ninja,” she said softly. He didn’t respond except to give a little nod. “How are you doing?”
Tim shrugged, reaching down and grabbing his beer to take a sip. Julie watched him closely, wondering what had been going through his head since the other night. Before she could stop herself, the words were tumbling out of her mouth. “Billy stopped by, looking for you. Tim, he... He told me what happened. What really happened, I mean, with the chop shop.”
Tim turned and fixed her with a look for a long moment before sighing harshly and turning away, running a hand through his hair. “He shouldn’t have done that.”
“I don’t understand. I mean... Why? Why did you confess to the whole thing?”
“Because it was Billy. He’s my brother, Jules. He’s my brother. He practically raised me. He’s done a lot of stupid things. We both have. But he had a family of his own - I couldn’t let him go down for it, not when he had Mindy and Stevie to look after. Not after everything he gave up for me. It was my turn to look after him.”
“Yeah, but he was still partly responsible! According to him, mostly responsible. I mean-”
“No, Jules. It was my turn.”
Julie stared, completely at a loss for words. He was noble, and honourable, and somehow capable of holding almost nothing against anyone who did him wrong. She’d known that for a long time, better perhaps than most people, and had somehow forgotten.
“What did you do when you found out you were for sure going to prison?” Julie asked softly.
Tim was silent for a long pause. He lifted his hand and cupped it against his mouth, taking a drag from his cigarette. He exhaled the smoke in a heavy sigh before stubbing the cigarette out in the ash tray at his side. “Cried.”
“Really?” she asked. Tim scrutinized her as if to check for any trace of mockery. There was none, of course - Julie felt more sombre than she had felt in a long time.
“Sure,” he replied. “I was scared as hell.”
Julie didn’t respond, simply watching his troubled face for a moment. She leaned across the small space that separated them, and pressed her lips to his, her fingers brushing against the rough stubble on his jaw. He tasted like beer and cigarettes. Julie shivered, and opened her mouth against his.
“Jules,” he said against her lips, pulling away. She didn’t let him finish, leaning in and kissing him again. He gave a ragged sigh and tilted his head, his tongue brushing against her bottom lip. Julie opened her mouth, sliding her hands up into his hair. He groaned, his hands finding their way to her shoulders to pull her closer to him.
They kissed that way for several minutes before Julie became impatient. “Inside, come on,” she said against his lips, standing and grabbing his hand before he could protest. She needn’t have worried; the hesitance seemed to have gone right out of him. She had barely closed the sliding door behind them before he was pressing her against it, kissing her and gripping her hips tightly in his hands.
Julie felt breathless and dizzy as he pulled her closer still. She slid her hands up to his neck, holding on as he turned and walked her gently back to the couch. Taking charge, Julie grabbed a handful of his shirt and pulled, tugging him along with her as she headed for her bedroom. It was dark as they passed through the open door, and neither of them made a move to turn on a light.
“You sure?” Tim asked, his voice low, as the backs of Julie’s knees bumped against her bed.
“I’m sure,” she replied, leaning up to kiss him again.
They collapsed onto the bed, Julie’s thighs falling open easily for Tim to settle in, pressing against her. Reaching up, Julie pulled at the hem of his shirt. Tim pushed her hands away and sat up, yanking the shirt over his head. Julie took the opportunity to squirm out of the tight t-shirt she wore, tossing it across the room before dropping her hands to his waist and working his fly open. She felt hurried, flushed and feverish, as Tim pulled her plain black yoga pants down over her hips, pausing to press a hot palm against her through her underwear. She shuddered, pulling him back down to kiss her and shoving his jeans off his hips with her feet.
Tim kissed his way down her neck and across her collarbone, pulling the straps of her pale green bra off her shoulders as he went. Julie inched herself backwards, sitting up a little so she could lean over and open the top drawer of her nightstand. Groping around in the semi-darkness, she hoped she still had condoms left over from the spring, when she and Nate were together. Her fingers passed over a square of foil and she grasped it, triumphant, as Tim hooked his fingers under the bands of her underwear and pulled them off.
Before Julie could catch a breath, Tim was over her again, his erection pressing insistently against her thigh as he kissed her. One of his hands ghosted along her hip and down between her legs, and Julie gasped as he pushed a finger inside her. Face flaming, she gripped his hair in her hands and bit her lip, wondering if she ought to be embarrassed at how turned on she was right now.
Tim didn’t seem to think anything of it, kissing his way across her chest, pushing the cup of her bra out of the way to take one hard nipple into his mouth.
Julie moaned, her stomach clenching hard in anticipation. As Tim’s teeth scraped against her sensitive skin, she felt overcome with urgency, and pushed Tim away a little so she could reach down and shove his boxers out of the way. Tearing the condom open and tossing the wrapper aside, she slid it on over him. This time, it was Tim who moaned, holding himself up and bracing his weight on his forearms as Julie gripped him firmly in one hand.
Without a word, he pushed inside her, pressing his hips into hers and hooking one of her legs over his hip.
“Oh god,” Julie gasped, grabbing onto his upper arms for support. She tried to catch his eye, but he had an intense, almost grim look of concentration on his face. Gone was her funny, sweet Tim; he seemed to have been replaced by someone far more remote.
He drew his hips back and thrust into her, forcing her legs even further apart. Julie moaned out a sound that might have been his name, gripping his hair in her hands as they began to pick up a steady, driving rhythm.
“Tim,” she gasped. His eyes were closed, and he leaned in and buried his face against her neck. She pulled at his hair, forcing him to look at her. “Please - don’t disappear on me.”
Tim’s movements slowed, and his eyes met hers under brows drawn together in a troubled frown. Sliding his arms underneath her to hold her tightly to him, he sat up and back, so she was in his lap. Julie moaned as the change in angle forced him deeper inside her. Threading her arms around his neck, she leaned down and kissed him. She felt his hands slide up her back and undo her bra, tossing it aside as he kissed his way down her throat.
Recovering from the change, Julie rolled her hips against his in a small circle, sighing when Tim’s hands dropped to her waist and he began to thrust up with her, his hands gently guiding her movements.
Julie choked out a moan as the sensations intensified, their bodies straining urgently against one another. Tim slid a hand down and began rubbing her clit with the pad of his thumb, pressing harder with each pass. Julie cried out, her spine stiffening as she felt the pressure inside became overwhelming.
Tim ground her hips down hard against his, and Julie gasped, her movements stilling as the pressure broke and she came. She could only hold onto him and ride the waves out, her fingernails digging into his scalp. Tim didn’t stop, pushing her back onto the bed and dragging his teeth against her collarbone. He leaned back, gripping her hips in his hands as he continued to thrust through her orgasm.
Practically boneless, she reached back and braced her hands against the shelves on her headboard, trying to find purchase as his thrusts became hard.
“Say something,” he whispered roughly.
“Wh-like what?” Julie asked, her mind reeling.
“Anything.”
Julie stared, open-mouthed, at the ceiling above them. The bed creaked, and Tim’s entire body was trembling against hers.
“I tried, but... I-I can’t... I can’t stop thinking about you,” she gasped.
Tim’s movements shuddered, and gripped her hips so hard that Julie winced. He came with a groan before collapsing against her, panting.
The sound of their ragged breathing filled the room. “Sorry,” Tim said, after a long pause. He was shaking.
Julie frowned, trying to get a glimpse of his face. She couldn’t see it, obscured as it was by his hair. He leaned back a little, flicking his damp hair out of his eyes. He was crying silently, an awful expression of pain on his face. Stunned and at a loss for words, Julie brought her arms up around his shoulders and hugged him.
He heaved a huge sigh and buried his face in her neck, holding her tightly to him.
“It’s okay, Tim,” she whispered, stricken. “It’s gonna be okay.”
They lay in silence for a long time, Julie idly combing her fingers through his hair as their racing hearts slowed. His head rested on her chest, and she could feel the tension in his body. She stayed still, trying to get him to relax while silently contemplating the mess she was in. She was pretty sure that sleeping with your ex-con roommate, who happened to have enough emotional baggage to sink a ship, was typically a terrible idea.
Tim shifted against her and sighed heavily, his body finally relaxing a bit. “I’m sorry,” he said roughly.
“It’s all right,” Julie said, despite the anxiety and trepidation which bothered her now, too. “This is... We’re... It’s a lot to process.”
Tim lifted his head and looked at her. His face was ashen and the circles under his eyes looked ghastly. “It’s not all right,” he said gruffly. “You shouldn’t have to... I probably shouldn’t be doing this with anybody right now. Least of all you.”
Julie sighed and tilted her head to meet his eyes. “If this is gonna be about how you can’t be with anyone right now because you’re damaged goods and you’re going to ruin my life or something, could we maybe save it for tomorrow? I don’t know if I can deal with you pushing me away right now.”
Tim contemplated her silently for a moment, frowning. “You must be even crazier than I am.”
“Maybe,” Julie admitted, smiling. She pulled him close, furrowing her fingers through his hair, and kissed him. He kissed her back, his hands framing her face. After a moment, he moved his weight off of her and curled up against her back, pulling her to his chest. Julie grabbed his hand from where it rested on her hip and laced her fingers with his, holding their joined hands to her chest.
“We’ll talk in the morning, okay?” she whispered, closing her eyes.
The last thing she felt was Tim sigh into her hair as he nodded, pressing his forehead against the crown of her head.
Part VI