Friday Night Lights - "Upward Over The Mountain", Tim/Julie, R
Title: Upward Over The Mountain - 11/15
Author: lindentree
Rating: R
Character(s): Tim/Julie
Word Count: 4,970
Summary: AU after 3x13 "Tomorrow Blues", this story takes place in the summer of 2010 when Tim returns home from his first year away at college, Julie graduates from her last year of high school, and they find themselves meeting somewhere in the middle.
Thank you goes to ishie, who was kind enough to beta even though she was exhausted from apocabigbang. If you're into The Big Bang Theory or you enjoy tense, beautiful, heartbreaking apocalypse fic, go read her fabulous story, Let's Fell Our Withering Tree.
Only a handful more chapters to go on this one, so stay tuned.
Julie stared out her window at the fields passing by as her mother drove northwest, headed back to Dillon. She had successfully rebuffed her mother’s concerned looks for the last two hours, but as they bypassed Austin, she was starting to think that her success was not going to last.
“Julie, honey, I know you don’t feel like talking, but you’ve got me kinda worried, here.”
Fidgeting, Julie glanced at her mother. Tami’s eyes were obscured by her aviator sunglasses, but Julie knew her mother well enough to recognize the anxiety in the furrowing of her brow and the pursing of her lips.
“I’m fine, mom,” Julie said, turning back to her window.
“I just thought you’d be more excited, is all.”
“I am excited. I’m just... nervous, I guess. I don’t know,” she trailed off, failing to put into words everything she was feeling.
The past two days had been strange. They had spent most of their time exploring the expansive campus of Rice University, which was heavily treed and crammed with too many buildings for Julie to even pretend to recall. There were dozens of museums and galleries - not to mention restaurants that served something other than barbecue - near the university, whetting her appetite for the culture which she had so desperately craved during her years in Dillon.
The actual process of registering for her classes, however, had not been what she expected. She waited for two hours in a long line of students before finally sitting down on a hard plastic chair in front of the apathetic junior seated behind the counter. Upon handing over the schedule she’d made for herself, Julie was informed that half the classes she’d painstakingly chosen were already full. Taken aback, she scrambled through the university calendar to find alternates, and then alternates for her alternates, as the student across from her sighed and picked at her fingernails.
In the end, Julie walked away with a schedule for her first year of college which only vaguely resembled the one that she’d originally chosen, and which was filled with classes she wasn’t sure she even wanted to take.
Julie felt embarrassed at her naiveté just thinking about it.
That night, her mother took her out to eat at a little vegetarian cafe in downtown Houston, near their hotel. Julie picked listlessly at her tofu buffalo “wings” and tried to participate in the conversation, aware that she was visibly moping in the middle of a restaurant. Mercifully, her mother did not comment.
Julie fell asleep that night still feeling insecure and disappointed, listening to her mother talk softly on the phone to her father while Overboard played on the TV.
She had a dream where she was told on the first day of classes that there had been a mistake and she hadn’t actually been accepted at Rice, forcing her to return to Dillon and take a job as Buddy Garrity’s secretary. In the dream, Tim felt sorry for her and offered to marry her, but on the day of their wedding, he remembered that he had to go back to college and left, leaving her to clean up all the confetti on her own.
Julie woke up that morning with a frown on her face. That was not the kind of Tim-related dream she enjoyed.
While her mother was in the shower, Julie dressed and packed up her things, relieved to leave Houston behind and head back to Dillon, and trying not to think too much about what that meant. She felt confused and tired, and she badly wanted to just stop worrying about everything. On an impulse, she picked up her phone and sent a quick text to Tim.
Can’t wait until after babysitting tomorrow. Are you free tonight?
Driving back to Dillon, she hadn’t heard back from him yet, but she didn’t care. It had given her a sweet, distracting thrill to send it, and that was good enough.
“Okay, sweetie,” her mom said, bringing her back to reality. “I can’t force you to tell me what’s bugging you. But you know I’m here for you, right? Whatever it is, we can talk about it.”
“I know, mom,” Julie replied.
“All right,” Tami sighed. She leaned back in her seat, adjusting the air conditioner. “Tell you what. We’ll drive as far as Brady, stop and have some lunch, and then you’re taking over. Gotta take advantage of having you drive me around for as long as I can.”
The sound of her phone’s high-pitched chirp stopped her from responding. Digging around in the bag at her feet, she retrieved it and flipped it open.
NEW MESSAGE FROM TIM
Julie blushed, and opened the message. sounds good. come over when u can. so what r u wearing rite now?
She snapped the phone shut in her palm, dropping it back into her bag. Off her mother’s curious look, she merely shrugged and went back to looking out the window.
***
Tim whistled to himself as he swept the shop floor, pushing the dirt and grit into a somewhat tidy pile in the middle of the concrete floor. It was late afternoon, almost time for him to go home, and he was feeling happy and restless.
The last few days had been pretty lonely and boring without Julie around. Billy and Mindy and Jordyn were okay company, but kind of dull. Getting Julie’s text message earlier and knowing he was going to see her that night had lifted his spirits considerably, despite the fact that she hadn’t yet responded to his question.
Billy appeared in the doorway that led from the garage to the office.
“Mrs. Werner’s bringing in that old Buick of hers again. Something wrong with the brakes, now, she says. You mind taking a look at it before you take off?”
“Sure,” Tim said, leaning on the broom handle. “Can I ask you a favour?”
“What is it?” Billy asked, somewhat warily.
“Think you and Mindy could go out tonight? Julie’s back from Houston and I was kinda hoping we could have the place to ourselves.”
Billy stared at him for a moment, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Where do you think this is going, Tim?”
“Where what’s going?”
“This thing with Julie. What do you think is gonna happen there?”
Tim shrugged, taking a step back and pushing the broom aimlessly across the floor again. “I dunno. We’re just fooling around.”
“Fooling around is one thing. Call me crazy, but when you fool around with one girl on a regular basis, it usually means you’re not just fooling around.”
“I like her. So what?”
“So what? Tim, in a few weeks, she’s going away to college. You’re going back to San Antonio. What do you think is gonna happen then?”
“Thought we already went over this, Billy. You got anything new to say?”
“Yeah, how about this - Julie Taylor is just another Lyla Garrity. She’s slumming, and you’re falling for it, and all she’s gonna do is leave you high and dry and all messed up again.”
Tim glared at his brother for a moment before letting the broom fall to the floor with a sharp thwack.
“Tell you what,” he said. “Why don’t you take a look at Mrs. Werner’s brakes? See you later.”
Tim left the garage, getting into his truck and pulling away before Billy could stop him. He drove home the long way.
***
Julie silently fretted her way through the rest of the ride home, listless and unsettled. She pulled out her phone several times to reply to Tim’s text, but she couldn’t work up the nerve. Besides, wasn’t swapping dirty texts, however tempting it might be, sort of juvenile and gross? The last thing she needed was evidence of this - whatever this was - lying around.
She managed to get away from her parents after dinner, when her mother passed out from exhaustion on the couch and her father took advantage by putting on some game tape and using Tami as a pillow.
Her parents would be kind of cute if they weren’t so embarrassing.
Julie drove to Tim’s, trying to stifle the anxious, fluttery feeling in her stomach. What was she nervous about? She frowned, trying to get a rein on herself.
When Tim opened the front door, he was grinning. Julie couldn’t help but smile back at him, slipping past him into the house.
“I got rid of Billy and Mindy and the baby, but they’re just at Mrs. Collette’s, so they’re not gonna be gone all night,” Tim explained, closing the door behind them and following her into the house.
“That’s okay,” Julie replied. They looked at one another for an awkward stretch, and Julie was about to say something just to fill the silence when he turned away and walked into the kitchen. He retrieved two beers and took them into the living room, stretching out on the couch. Hesitating a moment, Julie followed him, sitting down on the other end of the couch. She took the beer he offered her, her fingers slippery against the sweaty glass.
“So, how was Houston? You and your mom tear it up? Did you take pictures?”
“It was okay,” Julie replied, not finding herself in the mood to joke around.
“Yeah? You missed me, huh?”
Julie shot him a withering glance before responding. “I guess it just really wasn’t what I expected.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know,” Julie sighed, blowing her bangs up out of her eyes and glumly examining the beer in her hand. “I mean, you line up for like ten hours and then you go and sit with this person who doesn’t care at all what you’re interested in or what you’re passionate about. They just take your schedule and then plug you in wherever they can find space. If they can find space. It doesn’t matter if it works for you or who the professor is. I mean, I know they have to register thousands of students and it just is what it is. But it felt kind of soulless and bureaucratic, you know? I was just another student number to be rubber stamped. It was practically Kafkaesque or something,” Julie said with an accompanying grimace.
Tim blinked, staring at her blankly for a moment before looking down. “That sucks,” he said simply.
Julie felt her heart squeeze strangely. She felt guilty for the first thought that popped into her mind: Matt would have gotten that.
“There anything I can do?” Tim asked. Julie looked up, and found no trace of innuendo in his expression. He really meant it, like a friend would mean those words.
Or a boyfriend. Julie blanched.
“Uh, no,” Julie replied with a laugh. “That’s really not necessary.”
Tim frowned at her, looking confused.
“I mean, it’s not like you’re my boyfriend,” Julie babbled, feeling her face begin to redden. “It’s not your job to make me feel better, I’m just telling you what happened, because you asked.”
Tim watched her for another beat before clearing his throat. “I was just-”
“We’re both in love with other people,” Julie blurted, trying to be matter-of-fact. Instead, it merely sounded sad. “I just mean, you know, that’s not what this is about. Right?”
Tim didn’t reply, continuing to watch her silently as she rambled.
“I mean... I don’t think we have that much in common, really,” Julie said quietly.
“We have us in common,” Tim replied.
“There isn’t an us. This isn’t an us thing. This is... This is a summer fling.”
Tim looked at her for a second, his brows drawn together in a frown. Then he scoffed, his smile humourless.
“What?” Julie asked.
“Billy’s right,” Tim said, his voice tight. Julie looked over at him, and was surprised to see the anger in his expression. “I must be the dumbest guy in town. This is just the same thing all over again, having a stupid fling with a gal I’m never gonna be good enough for.”
“What?” Julie gasped. “That’s not what I-“
“I know I don’t get what you’re talking about sometimes, Jules. I’m not that stupid. Pretty easy to tell from the look on your face.”
Julie gaped at him, his words like a punch in the chest.
“I’m not him, Jules,” he said, his voice soft and sad. “I don’t care if this is just your rebound, I really don’t, but I ain’t ever gonna be Matt for you.”
Julie felt sick and ashamed, and so she did the only thing she could think of to do: she grabbed her bag and stomped out of the house and to her car without looking back.
***
They went one week without speaking more than a handful of words to one another.
The first day Julie babysat after their fight, she was waiting by the front door when Tim got home. He came in silently, tossing his keys at the table by the door.
They stood without speaking, Tim glowering at the tiles under his feet. Julie glared at his downturned head before shouldering her bag.
“Jordyn’s asleep in the bedroom,” she bit out, brushing past him. She refused to acknowledge the lump that rose in her throat when he let her close the door behind her, and didn’t follow.
On Thursday, Mindy didn’t work and Julie was able to avoid Tim altogether. Tyra called her that evening after dinner, and Julie listened to her tales of life as a working girl in the city somewhat distractedly.
“So that’s when I said, sure, why not?” Tyra said, in the middle of a story Julie wasn’t paying much attention to. “Being a successful businessman’s kept woman is bound to be way more lucrative than working my way up typing letters and sending faxes.”
“Mmm-hmm,” Julie replied. She frowned. “Wait, what?”
“Yeah, I didn’t think you were listening.”
“Oh god, I’m sorry. I’m kind of distracted tonight, I guess.”
“I picked up on that. What’s bugging you?”
“Well...” Julie hesitated. Was it better to wallow alone, or to share, knowing that Tyra was likely to lose her mind, and that she could be kind of scary when she was angry? “Um, you know that thing I wasn’t telling you when you were here?”
“I was wondering when we’d get around to that,” Tyra said drily. “What’s up?”
“You have to promise not to freak out. Or yell at me. Or come up here and try to kill anyone.”
“Okay, now you’re starting to worry me. What’s going on, Jules?”
“I slept with Tim. I am sleeping with Tim. Sort of.”
There was a long silence on the other end of the line before Tyra spoke. When she did, her voice was low and terribly calm. “Are you kidding me right now?”
“No,” Julie replied, her voice small.
“Oh my god.”
“I know.”
“Oh my god, Julie! Are you sick or something? What the hell’s wrong with you?”
“Hey, you promised not to yell!”
“Like hell I did! When did this happen? How did this happen?”
Meekly, Julie gave Tyra a brief synopsis of her relationship, such as it was, with Tim.
“Wow. That’s a lot to swallow.”
“Yeah,” Julie agreed, somewhat bleakly. “So basically I’ve managed to take what should have been a totally uneventful summer and turn it into this big, dramatic... thing.”
“What do you want to do?”
“Um, leave Dillon and change my name?”
Tyra guffawed. “Short of that, I mean. What do you want to do about Tim? Do you want to fix things, or just ignore him and fly low until you leave town?”
Julie chewed her lip. It would be easy, if awkward, to effectively call it quits and pretend nothing had ever happened between them. She could do avoidance, even in the cramped quarters of Dillon. But something about that didn’t sit right with her. She felt oddly guilty, first of all, and second, the thought of going without Tim’s quiet, easy company left her feeling bereft.
“I think I want to try to fix things,” she said softly.
“So... do you like him, or do you just like having sex with him?”
Julie’s face reddened as she stared up at the ceiling, groping for a response to that question.
“Quit blushing and answer the question. Anyway, you’re talking to the right person. It’s kinda hard to tell the difference with him.”
Trying not to add to her worries by contemplating that she was having sex with someone who Tyra (and allegedly half the town, her mind added unhelpfully,) had slept with, Julie considered this, too. Did she like Tim, or just like having sex with Tim? She certainly did like having sex with him; she liked it to distraction. But what about him?
Hadn’t they become friends, before anything else? Hadn’t she sought him out when she was lonely and bored, because his company cheered her up? Didn’t he make her smile, make her laugh? He’d been there for her, in his own quiet, unassuming way, since the moment their lives started to intersect.
It wasn’t love, but it wasn’t just sex, either.
“Yeah, I think I like him.”
“All right, well... Do you want me to be real honest?”
“Yes,” Julie replied, somewhat hesitantly.
“Okay, well... As much as it pains me to say these words, and believe me, it really does, Tim’s got a point. You can be kind of... self-righteous sometimes.”
Julie didn’t reply, stunned into silence. Tyra had never said anything like that to her before, and it hurt.
“You come by it honestly,” Tyra said softly, trying to cushion the blow. “Most of the time it’s a good thing. You know your own mind. But... I don’t know.”
“What? You might as well say it.”
“Sometimes it just comes off a little judgey, Jules. That’s all.”
Julie stared up at her bedroom ceiling, unable to form a reply. Did she really come off as judgmental? She thought she came off as intelligent and witty. Was she actually just snobby? She felt her face colour with embarrassment. Had she said things that had hurt Tim’s feelings? Matt’s feelings? Tyra’s or Landry’s or her parents’?
“It’s getting late,” she said woodenly. “I should probably go to bed.”
“Julie, come on. I didn’t say that to hurt you. Don’t be mad at me.”
“I’m not mad, I’m just... I don’t know. I’m sorry.”
“It’s not like I’ve never done the same thing, Jules.”
“Yeah.”
“Look, I’m only saying this because you said you wanted to fix things with him. God only knows why; my advice is to take this as a sign and run for it. But I’ll give you an insider tip: Tim’s sensitive, and he gets his feelings hurt pretty easily. Lucky for you, he forgives just as easily.”
“Okay,” Julie said. “I’ll think of something. Thanks, Tyra.”
“Any time. This one was free, but the next one’s gonna cost you,” she joked. There was a pause before she spoke again, her voice softer this time. “You okay? You’re not mad at me?”
“I’m not mad at you.”
“Okay. Because if you’re mad at me and you don’t call me for a couple of weeks, I’m going to know, and then I’m going to be mad, and that just seems like way too much drama.”
Julie smiled sadly. “I promise I’m not mad at you.”
“All right then. Talk to you later?”
“Talk to you later.”
Julie hung up, dropping the phone onto the bed next to her. She rolled over, curling up into a ball. Staring at the low shelf of books across from her bed, she went over the conversation she’d just had.
Looking back, Julie had to admit that nothing Tyra had said was untrue. She said things without thinking, sometimes. Mean things. Even worse, sometimes she said mean things on purpose. She wasn’t sure why. Maybe because sitting in judgment of Dillon and everyone in it made it easier to avoid being pulled into the town, made it easier to get away. Maybe because it made her feel less like a square peg in a round hole, and more like she was above it all.
Maybe because pretending like she didn’t care was safer than being honest and taking the risk of getting hurt.
She stood up and grabbed her keys and her bag off her bureau, leaving her bedroom and walking out into the family room. Her parents were watching TV, and Gracie was playing quietly on the floor.
“Hey guys,” she said. Her mother turned to look at her, but her father’s attention stayed focused on the TV. “I’ve got a major craving for a chocolate Swizzler. Anyone else want something?”
“No thanks, hon,” her mother replied, smiling at her. “Thanks for the offer, though.”
“No problem. I’ll be back in a bit.”
Julie left the house and drove past the Alamo Freeze and Fran’s, taking in the crowds of high school kids crowding the tables and booths and parking lots of both. She rolled her window down, letting the breeze into the car to disturb the stifling heat. She tried to calm her pounding heart and cool herself down.
She tried to think of what she was going to say.
***
The knock came in the middle of an episode of Hell’s Kitchen, and Tim was chosen to answer it by virtue of the fact that neither Mindy nor Billy batted an eyelash at the sound of it. They were stretched out on the couch, completely absorbed in the kitchen drama. Grumbling, Tim put his beer down on the coffee table with a loud thump, and went to answer the door.
He didn’t know who he’d been expecting, but Julie took him by surprise. She stood on the concrete stoop, her hands tugging anxiously on the hem of her t-shirt. She gulped, and Tim was reminded of another time she had shown up on his doorstep, looking sheepish.
“Hey,” she said, looking up at him. “Can I come in?”
He stepped aside to let her pass, unsure whether to close the door behind her or not. He didn’t want to let her think that she was welcome to just waltz in and hang out right now. After several seconds, he sighed and closed the door.
Billy and Mindy greeted her distractedly, and Julie turned and looked up at him. He gave her a wide berth, standing back with his hands on his hips.
“Look - can we talk for a minute? In private?” she asked softly. Tim looked at her, taking in the miserable expression on her face. He nodded and led her back to his bedroom, closing the door behind them.
“I know you’re mad at me,” Julie began.
“I’m not -” Tim interrupted.
“No, please, let me finish. I know you’re mad at me. You have every right to be, and I totally understand if you hate me now and you never want to talk to me again. I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you. I never meant to do that. I swear, I really didn’t.”
Tim looked away, surprised and unsure how to respond. He wasn’t accustomed to having girls apologise to him; usually it was the other way around.
“And I don’t expect you to be Matt. I don’t want you to be. I want you to be you. I like you.”
Tim stared at the carpet underneath their feet, quietly pleased but hesitant to show it.
“I’m sorry I’m so judgmental. I don’t mean to be. I don’t want to be. It’s just... I feel so alone,” she continued, her words coming out in a rush. Tim looked up, hearing the distress in her voice. “I love Dillon; it’s my home. But I don’t get this place, and a lot of the time it feels like no one here gets me. Especially now that my friends are all gone, that Matt’s gone. Everyone’s gone. I got left behind, and I thought that college was going to be the answer, but now I just don’t know. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.” Julie’s voice broke on her last words, tears welling up in her eyes.
“Come here,” Tim said, stepping forward and pulling her into a hug. Julie pressed her face into his chest. He frowned, petting her hair awkwardly. He hadn’t realised that he’d upset her so badly. He floundered, trying to think of something to say to get her to stop crying.
“Jules, listen. You’re gonna get out of here and meet all kinds of people who get you, I bet. You’ll see. You’re gonna go to college, and it’ll be great, and you’re gonna love it. You aren’t stuck in Dillon.” He was trying to make her feel better, but it didn’t seem to be working. She shuddered and cried harder, her hands gripping his shirt tightly. Words failed him, so he stopped talking, settling instead for gently rubbing her back. Tim had no idea how long they stood like that, Julie sniffling quietly and Tim stroking the long fall of her hair like he had any clue what he was doing.
Eventually Julie stopped crying. She sighed and pulled away from him, blinking as she wiped the tears from her cheeks. Her eyes were swollen and red, and her nose looked damp. Other girls could make crying look pretty, but Julie just made it look real.
“Sorry,” she mumbled. “You must think I’m so lame.”
“You okay?” he asked, somewhat wary. He was afraid to say anything, in case she went off again.
“I’m okay,” she said. “I really am sorry.” Tim nodded to show he understood and accepted her apology. She stared up at him, biting her bottom lip. Tim could still feel the damp spot on his shirt where her tears had soaked in. Julie took a step forward and kissed him, her breath brushing his face as she exhaled heavily.
Tim understood the language her kisses spoke. He turned them and pushed gently until Julie hit his bed with the backs of her knees. She leaned back, gripping a hand in his shirt and pulling him along with her.
“You sure?” Tim whispered against her neck as she pulled his t-shirt over his head and reached for his belt buckle. “Billy and Mins are still watching TV.”
“Don’t care,” Julie said, shimmying out of her jeans while trying to maintain contact.
That was all the encouragement Tim needed - he knelt on the bed and kissed Julie again, running his hands up her sides and under her shirt, pulling it up and over her head.
She kissed him back and brought their bodies together with a fierce intensity she’d never shown him before, her eyes dark and serious, hands shaking. He could tell she was trying to make it better, to make amends and say she was sorry with actions to match her words.
Tim was unaccustomed to anyone making amends for the pain they inflicted. To him, it wasn’t necessary. But he let her, anyway. He let her.
After, they laid facing one another, sweat-drenched and panting. Julie was watching him closely, her eyes anxious. Tim reached out and brushed her hair away from her hot, flushed face, and he smiled at her. She smiled back, and looked away.
A yawn caught her by surprise, and she buried her face in the pillow trying to stifle it. "It's getting late. I should probably go."
"I guess," Tim replied. Julie stared silently at him for a long moment before she spoke again. He felt strangely calm under her scrutiny, and didn’t look away.
"I really am sorry," she said, edging closer to him. "I didn't mean to... I don't want to be the kind of person who makes you feel bad about yourself. You believe me, right?"
She watched him uneasily, her sleepy eyes still rimmed with red from her tears. How could he not believe her? He leaned in and pressed a kiss to her forehead.
"Quit apologising," he said. "I've got a thick skin."
Julie smiled at him, her expression indicating that she disagreed, but said nothing. She sat up and began gathering her clothes and slowly pulling them back on.
“You know what?” Tim asked, his tone casual as he watched her naked back disappear beneath her t-shirt. He wanted to go back to the easygoing thing they had before all this other stuff happened. Her reaction to their fight had been extreme, and he wanted to make sure she knew he wasn’t mad.
“What?” Julie replied, twisting to look back at him.
“You never answered me.”
“Answered you? About what?”
“About what you were wearing when I texted you.”
Julie snorted, and turned away. “I was naked, Tim. I started out in a tiny bikini when we left Houston, but it was too much. I was completely naked the whole ride home. It was just so hot,” she finished, turning and grinning at him, her face half-hidden by her long hair.
Tim grinned back, pleased that her mood had brightened. “So you really didn’t take any pictures, huh?”
She laughed, and Tim felt his heart jump, leaving a tight, breathless feeling in his chest. Judging by the amount of time Julie spent sulking and scowling, Tim guessed she had no idea how absolutely adorable she was when she was like this.
He watched her as she finished dressing, surprising him when she knelt on the bed and leaned in to kiss him once, sweetly and quickly, before slipping out of the room.
As he fell asleep that night, he wondered how he got lucky enough to be one of the few people to whom Julie showed her true colours, light and dark.
Chapter 12
Author: lindentree
Rating: R
Character(s): Tim/Julie
Word Count: 4,970
Summary: AU after 3x13 "Tomorrow Blues", this story takes place in the summer of 2010 when Tim returns home from his first year away at college, Julie graduates from her last year of high school, and they find themselves meeting somewhere in the middle.
Thank you goes to ishie, who was kind enough to beta even though she was exhausted from apocabigbang. If you're into The Big Bang Theory or you enjoy tense, beautiful, heartbreaking apocalypse fic, go read her fabulous story, Let's Fell Our Withering Tree.
Only a handful more chapters to go on this one, so stay tuned.
Julie stared out her window at the fields passing by as her mother drove northwest, headed back to Dillon. She had successfully rebuffed her mother’s concerned looks for the last two hours, but as they bypassed Austin, she was starting to think that her success was not going to last.
“Julie, honey, I know you don’t feel like talking, but you’ve got me kinda worried, here.”
Fidgeting, Julie glanced at her mother. Tami’s eyes were obscured by her aviator sunglasses, but Julie knew her mother well enough to recognize the anxiety in the furrowing of her brow and the pursing of her lips.
“I’m fine, mom,” Julie said, turning back to her window.
“I just thought you’d be more excited, is all.”
“I am excited. I’m just... nervous, I guess. I don’t know,” she trailed off, failing to put into words everything she was feeling.
The past two days had been strange. They had spent most of their time exploring the expansive campus of Rice University, which was heavily treed and crammed with too many buildings for Julie to even pretend to recall. There were dozens of museums and galleries - not to mention restaurants that served something other than barbecue - near the university, whetting her appetite for the culture which she had so desperately craved during her years in Dillon.
The actual process of registering for her classes, however, had not been what she expected. She waited for two hours in a long line of students before finally sitting down on a hard plastic chair in front of the apathetic junior seated behind the counter. Upon handing over the schedule she’d made for herself, Julie was informed that half the classes she’d painstakingly chosen were already full. Taken aback, she scrambled through the university calendar to find alternates, and then alternates for her alternates, as the student across from her sighed and picked at her fingernails.
In the end, Julie walked away with a schedule for her first year of college which only vaguely resembled the one that she’d originally chosen, and which was filled with classes she wasn’t sure she even wanted to take.
Julie felt embarrassed at her naiveté just thinking about it.
That night, her mother took her out to eat at a little vegetarian cafe in downtown Houston, near their hotel. Julie picked listlessly at her tofu buffalo “wings” and tried to participate in the conversation, aware that she was visibly moping in the middle of a restaurant. Mercifully, her mother did not comment.
Julie fell asleep that night still feeling insecure and disappointed, listening to her mother talk softly on the phone to her father while Overboard played on the TV.
She had a dream where she was told on the first day of classes that there had been a mistake and she hadn’t actually been accepted at Rice, forcing her to return to Dillon and take a job as Buddy Garrity’s secretary. In the dream, Tim felt sorry for her and offered to marry her, but on the day of their wedding, he remembered that he had to go back to college and left, leaving her to clean up all the confetti on her own.
Julie woke up that morning with a frown on her face. That was not the kind of Tim-related dream she enjoyed.
While her mother was in the shower, Julie dressed and packed up her things, relieved to leave Houston behind and head back to Dillon, and trying not to think too much about what that meant. She felt confused and tired, and she badly wanted to just stop worrying about everything. On an impulse, she picked up her phone and sent a quick text to Tim.
Can’t wait until after babysitting tomorrow. Are you free tonight?
Driving back to Dillon, she hadn’t heard back from him yet, but she didn’t care. It had given her a sweet, distracting thrill to send it, and that was good enough.
“Okay, sweetie,” her mom said, bringing her back to reality. “I can’t force you to tell me what’s bugging you. But you know I’m here for you, right? Whatever it is, we can talk about it.”
“I know, mom,” Julie replied.
“All right,” Tami sighed. She leaned back in her seat, adjusting the air conditioner. “Tell you what. We’ll drive as far as Brady, stop and have some lunch, and then you’re taking over. Gotta take advantage of having you drive me around for as long as I can.”
The sound of her phone’s high-pitched chirp stopped her from responding. Digging around in the bag at her feet, she retrieved it and flipped it open.
NEW MESSAGE FROM TIM
Julie blushed, and opened the message. sounds good. come over when u can. so what r u wearing rite now?
She snapped the phone shut in her palm, dropping it back into her bag. Off her mother’s curious look, she merely shrugged and went back to looking out the window.
***
Tim whistled to himself as he swept the shop floor, pushing the dirt and grit into a somewhat tidy pile in the middle of the concrete floor. It was late afternoon, almost time for him to go home, and he was feeling happy and restless.
The last few days had been pretty lonely and boring without Julie around. Billy and Mindy and Jordyn were okay company, but kind of dull. Getting Julie’s text message earlier and knowing he was going to see her that night had lifted his spirits considerably, despite the fact that she hadn’t yet responded to his question.
Billy appeared in the doorway that led from the garage to the office.
“Mrs. Werner’s bringing in that old Buick of hers again. Something wrong with the brakes, now, she says. You mind taking a look at it before you take off?”
“Sure,” Tim said, leaning on the broom handle. “Can I ask you a favour?”
“What is it?” Billy asked, somewhat warily.
“Think you and Mindy could go out tonight? Julie’s back from Houston and I was kinda hoping we could have the place to ourselves.”
Billy stared at him for a moment, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Where do you think this is going, Tim?”
“Where what’s going?”
“This thing with Julie. What do you think is gonna happen there?”
Tim shrugged, taking a step back and pushing the broom aimlessly across the floor again. “I dunno. We’re just fooling around.”
“Fooling around is one thing. Call me crazy, but when you fool around with one girl on a regular basis, it usually means you’re not just fooling around.”
“I like her. So what?”
“So what? Tim, in a few weeks, she’s going away to college. You’re going back to San Antonio. What do you think is gonna happen then?”
“Thought we already went over this, Billy. You got anything new to say?”
“Yeah, how about this - Julie Taylor is just another Lyla Garrity. She’s slumming, and you’re falling for it, and all she’s gonna do is leave you high and dry and all messed up again.”
Tim glared at his brother for a moment before letting the broom fall to the floor with a sharp thwack.
“Tell you what,” he said. “Why don’t you take a look at Mrs. Werner’s brakes? See you later.”
Tim left the garage, getting into his truck and pulling away before Billy could stop him. He drove home the long way.
***
Julie silently fretted her way through the rest of the ride home, listless and unsettled. She pulled out her phone several times to reply to Tim’s text, but she couldn’t work up the nerve. Besides, wasn’t swapping dirty texts, however tempting it might be, sort of juvenile and gross? The last thing she needed was evidence of this - whatever this was - lying around.
She managed to get away from her parents after dinner, when her mother passed out from exhaustion on the couch and her father took advantage by putting on some game tape and using Tami as a pillow.
Her parents would be kind of cute if they weren’t so embarrassing.
Julie drove to Tim’s, trying to stifle the anxious, fluttery feeling in her stomach. What was she nervous about? She frowned, trying to get a rein on herself.
When Tim opened the front door, he was grinning. Julie couldn’t help but smile back at him, slipping past him into the house.
“I got rid of Billy and Mindy and the baby, but they’re just at Mrs. Collette’s, so they’re not gonna be gone all night,” Tim explained, closing the door behind them and following her into the house.
“That’s okay,” Julie replied. They looked at one another for an awkward stretch, and Julie was about to say something just to fill the silence when he turned away and walked into the kitchen. He retrieved two beers and took them into the living room, stretching out on the couch. Hesitating a moment, Julie followed him, sitting down on the other end of the couch. She took the beer he offered her, her fingers slippery against the sweaty glass.
“So, how was Houston? You and your mom tear it up? Did you take pictures?”
“It was okay,” Julie replied, not finding herself in the mood to joke around.
“Yeah? You missed me, huh?”
Julie shot him a withering glance before responding. “I guess it just really wasn’t what I expected.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know,” Julie sighed, blowing her bangs up out of her eyes and glumly examining the beer in her hand. “I mean, you line up for like ten hours and then you go and sit with this person who doesn’t care at all what you’re interested in or what you’re passionate about. They just take your schedule and then plug you in wherever they can find space. If they can find space. It doesn’t matter if it works for you or who the professor is. I mean, I know they have to register thousands of students and it just is what it is. But it felt kind of soulless and bureaucratic, you know? I was just another student number to be rubber stamped. It was practically Kafkaesque or something,” Julie said with an accompanying grimace.
Tim blinked, staring at her blankly for a moment before looking down. “That sucks,” he said simply.
Julie felt her heart squeeze strangely. She felt guilty for the first thought that popped into her mind: Matt would have gotten that.
“There anything I can do?” Tim asked. Julie looked up, and found no trace of innuendo in his expression. He really meant it, like a friend would mean those words.
Or a boyfriend. Julie blanched.
“Uh, no,” Julie replied with a laugh. “That’s really not necessary.”
Tim frowned at her, looking confused.
“I mean, it’s not like you’re my boyfriend,” Julie babbled, feeling her face begin to redden. “It’s not your job to make me feel better, I’m just telling you what happened, because you asked.”
Tim watched her for another beat before clearing his throat. “I was just-”
“We’re both in love with other people,” Julie blurted, trying to be matter-of-fact. Instead, it merely sounded sad. “I just mean, you know, that’s not what this is about. Right?”
Tim didn’t reply, continuing to watch her silently as she rambled.
“I mean... I don’t think we have that much in common, really,” Julie said quietly.
“We have us in common,” Tim replied.
“There isn’t an us. This isn’t an us thing. This is... This is a summer fling.”
Tim looked at her for a second, his brows drawn together in a frown. Then he scoffed, his smile humourless.
“What?” Julie asked.
“Billy’s right,” Tim said, his voice tight. Julie looked over at him, and was surprised to see the anger in his expression. “I must be the dumbest guy in town. This is just the same thing all over again, having a stupid fling with a gal I’m never gonna be good enough for.”
“What?” Julie gasped. “That’s not what I-“
“I know I don’t get what you’re talking about sometimes, Jules. I’m not that stupid. Pretty easy to tell from the look on your face.”
Julie gaped at him, his words like a punch in the chest.
“I’m not him, Jules,” he said, his voice soft and sad. “I don’t care if this is just your rebound, I really don’t, but I ain’t ever gonna be Matt for you.”
Julie felt sick and ashamed, and so she did the only thing she could think of to do: she grabbed her bag and stomped out of the house and to her car without looking back.
***
They went one week without speaking more than a handful of words to one another.
The first day Julie babysat after their fight, she was waiting by the front door when Tim got home. He came in silently, tossing his keys at the table by the door.
They stood without speaking, Tim glowering at the tiles under his feet. Julie glared at his downturned head before shouldering her bag.
“Jordyn’s asleep in the bedroom,” she bit out, brushing past him. She refused to acknowledge the lump that rose in her throat when he let her close the door behind her, and didn’t follow.
On Thursday, Mindy didn’t work and Julie was able to avoid Tim altogether. Tyra called her that evening after dinner, and Julie listened to her tales of life as a working girl in the city somewhat distractedly.
“So that’s when I said, sure, why not?” Tyra said, in the middle of a story Julie wasn’t paying much attention to. “Being a successful businessman’s kept woman is bound to be way more lucrative than working my way up typing letters and sending faxes.”
“Mmm-hmm,” Julie replied. She frowned. “Wait, what?”
“Yeah, I didn’t think you were listening.”
“Oh god, I’m sorry. I’m kind of distracted tonight, I guess.”
“I picked up on that. What’s bugging you?”
“Well...” Julie hesitated. Was it better to wallow alone, or to share, knowing that Tyra was likely to lose her mind, and that she could be kind of scary when she was angry? “Um, you know that thing I wasn’t telling you when you were here?”
“I was wondering when we’d get around to that,” Tyra said drily. “What’s up?”
“You have to promise not to freak out. Or yell at me. Or come up here and try to kill anyone.”
“Okay, now you’re starting to worry me. What’s going on, Jules?”
“I slept with Tim. I am sleeping with Tim. Sort of.”
There was a long silence on the other end of the line before Tyra spoke. When she did, her voice was low and terribly calm. “Are you kidding me right now?”
“No,” Julie replied, her voice small.
“Oh my god.”
“I know.”
“Oh my god, Julie! Are you sick or something? What the hell’s wrong with you?”
“Hey, you promised not to yell!”
“Like hell I did! When did this happen? How did this happen?”
Meekly, Julie gave Tyra a brief synopsis of her relationship, such as it was, with Tim.
“Wow. That’s a lot to swallow.”
“Yeah,” Julie agreed, somewhat bleakly. “So basically I’ve managed to take what should have been a totally uneventful summer and turn it into this big, dramatic... thing.”
“What do you want to do?”
“Um, leave Dillon and change my name?”
Tyra guffawed. “Short of that, I mean. What do you want to do about Tim? Do you want to fix things, or just ignore him and fly low until you leave town?”
Julie chewed her lip. It would be easy, if awkward, to effectively call it quits and pretend nothing had ever happened between them. She could do avoidance, even in the cramped quarters of Dillon. But something about that didn’t sit right with her. She felt oddly guilty, first of all, and second, the thought of going without Tim’s quiet, easy company left her feeling bereft.
“I think I want to try to fix things,” she said softly.
“So... do you like him, or do you just like having sex with him?”
Julie’s face reddened as she stared up at the ceiling, groping for a response to that question.
“Quit blushing and answer the question. Anyway, you’re talking to the right person. It’s kinda hard to tell the difference with him.”
Trying not to add to her worries by contemplating that she was having sex with someone who Tyra (and allegedly half the town, her mind added unhelpfully,) had slept with, Julie considered this, too. Did she like Tim, or just like having sex with Tim? She certainly did like having sex with him; she liked it to distraction. But what about him?
Hadn’t they become friends, before anything else? Hadn’t she sought him out when she was lonely and bored, because his company cheered her up? Didn’t he make her smile, make her laugh? He’d been there for her, in his own quiet, unassuming way, since the moment their lives started to intersect.
It wasn’t love, but it wasn’t just sex, either.
“Yeah, I think I like him.”
“All right, well... Do you want me to be real honest?”
“Yes,” Julie replied, somewhat hesitantly.
“Okay, well... As much as it pains me to say these words, and believe me, it really does, Tim’s got a point. You can be kind of... self-righteous sometimes.”
Julie didn’t reply, stunned into silence. Tyra had never said anything like that to her before, and it hurt.
“You come by it honestly,” Tyra said softly, trying to cushion the blow. “Most of the time it’s a good thing. You know your own mind. But... I don’t know.”
“What? You might as well say it.”
“Sometimes it just comes off a little judgey, Jules. That’s all.”
Julie stared up at her bedroom ceiling, unable to form a reply. Did she really come off as judgmental? She thought she came off as intelligent and witty. Was she actually just snobby? She felt her face colour with embarrassment. Had she said things that had hurt Tim’s feelings? Matt’s feelings? Tyra’s or Landry’s or her parents’?
“It’s getting late,” she said woodenly. “I should probably go to bed.”
“Julie, come on. I didn’t say that to hurt you. Don’t be mad at me.”
“I’m not mad, I’m just... I don’t know. I’m sorry.”
“It’s not like I’ve never done the same thing, Jules.”
“Yeah.”
“Look, I’m only saying this because you said you wanted to fix things with him. God only knows why; my advice is to take this as a sign and run for it. But I’ll give you an insider tip: Tim’s sensitive, and he gets his feelings hurt pretty easily. Lucky for you, he forgives just as easily.”
“Okay,” Julie said. “I’ll think of something. Thanks, Tyra.”
“Any time. This one was free, but the next one’s gonna cost you,” she joked. There was a pause before she spoke again, her voice softer this time. “You okay? You’re not mad at me?”
“I’m not mad at you.”
“Okay. Because if you’re mad at me and you don’t call me for a couple of weeks, I’m going to know, and then I’m going to be mad, and that just seems like way too much drama.”
Julie smiled sadly. “I promise I’m not mad at you.”
“All right then. Talk to you later?”
“Talk to you later.”
Julie hung up, dropping the phone onto the bed next to her. She rolled over, curling up into a ball. Staring at the low shelf of books across from her bed, she went over the conversation she’d just had.
Looking back, Julie had to admit that nothing Tyra had said was untrue. She said things without thinking, sometimes. Mean things. Even worse, sometimes she said mean things on purpose. She wasn’t sure why. Maybe because sitting in judgment of Dillon and everyone in it made it easier to avoid being pulled into the town, made it easier to get away. Maybe because it made her feel less like a square peg in a round hole, and more like she was above it all.
Maybe because pretending like she didn’t care was safer than being honest and taking the risk of getting hurt.
She stood up and grabbed her keys and her bag off her bureau, leaving her bedroom and walking out into the family room. Her parents were watching TV, and Gracie was playing quietly on the floor.
“Hey guys,” she said. Her mother turned to look at her, but her father’s attention stayed focused on the TV. “I’ve got a major craving for a chocolate Swizzler. Anyone else want something?”
“No thanks, hon,” her mother replied, smiling at her. “Thanks for the offer, though.”
“No problem. I’ll be back in a bit.”
Julie left the house and drove past the Alamo Freeze and Fran’s, taking in the crowds of high school kids crowding the tables and booths and parking lots of both. She rolled her window down, letting the breeze into the car to disturb the stifling heat. She tried to calm her pounding heart and cool herself down.
She tried to think of what she was going to say.
***
The knock came in the middle of an episode of Hell’s Kitchen, and Tim was chosen to answer it by virtue of the fact that neither Mindy nor Billy batted an eyelash at the sound of it. They were stretched out on the couch, completely absorbed in the kitchen drama. Grumbling, Tim put his beer down on the coffee table with a loud thump, and went to answer the door.
He didn’t know who he’d been expecting, but Julie took him by surprise. She stood on the concrete stoop, her hands tugging anxiously on the hem of her t-shirt. She gulped, and Tim was reminded of another time she had shown up on his doorstep, looking sheepish.
“Hey,” she said, looking up at him. “Can I come in?”
He stepped aside to let her pass, unsure whether to close the door behind her or not. He didn’t want to let her think that she was welcome to just waltz in and hang out right now. After several seconds, he sighed and closed the door.
Billy and Mindy greeted her distractedly, and Julie turned and looked up at him. He gave her a wide berth, standing back with his hands on his hips.
“Look - can we talk for a minute? In private?” she asked softly. Tim looked at her, taking in the miserable expression on her face. He nodded and led her back to his bedroom, closing the door behind them.
“I know you’re mad at me,” Julie began.
“I’m not -” Tim interrupted.
“No, please, let me finish. I know you’re mad at me. You have every right to be, and I totally understand if you hate me now and you never want to talk to me again. I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt you. I never meant to do that. I swear, I really didn’t.”
Tim looked away, surprised and unsure how to respond. He wasn’t accustomed to having girls apologise to him; usually it was the other way around.
“And I don’t expect you to be Matt. I don’t want you to be. I want you to be you. I like you.”
Tim stared at the carpet underneath their feet, quietly pleased but hesitant to show it.
“I’m sorry I’m so judgmental. I don’t mean to be. I don’t want to be. It’s just... I feel so alone,” she continued, her words coming out in a rush. Tim looked up, hearing the distress in her voice. “I love Dillon; it’s my home. But I don’t get this place, and a lot of the time it feels like no one here gets me. Especially now that my friends are all gone, that Matt’s gone. Everyone’s gone. I got left behind, and I thought that college was going to be the answer, but now I just don’t know. I feel like I don’t know anything anymore.” Julie’s voice broke on her last words, tears welling up in her eyes.
“Come here,” Tim said, stepping forward and pulling her into a hug. Julie pressed her face into his chest. He frowned, petting her hair awkwardly. He hadn’t realised that he’d upset her so badly. He floundered, trying to think of something to say to get her to stop crying.
“Jules, listen. You’re gonna get out of here and meet all kinds of people who get you, I bet. You’ll see. You’re gonna go to college, and it’ll be great, and you’re gonna love it. You aren’t stuck in Dillon.” He was trying to make her feel better, but it didn’t seem to be working. She shuddered and cried harder, her hands gripping his shirt tightly. Words failed him, so he stopped talking, settling instead for gently rubbing her back. Tim had no idea how long they stood like that, Julie sniffling quietly and Tim stroking the long fall of her hair like he had any clue what he was doing.
Eventually Julie stopped crying. She sighed and pulled away from him, blinking as she wiped the tears from her cheeks. Her eyes were swollen and red, and her nose looked damp. Other girls could make crying look pretty, but Julie just made it look real.
“Sorry,” she mumbled. “You must think I’m so lame.”
“You okay?” he asked, somewhat wary. He was afraid to say anything, in case she went off again.
“I’m okay,” she said. “I really am sorry.” Tim nodded to show he understood and accepted her apology. She stared up at him, biting her bottom lip. Tim could still feel the damp spot on his shirt where her tears had soaked in. Julie took a step forward and kissed him, her breath brushing his face as she exhaled heavily.
Tim understood the language her kisses spoke. He turned them and pushed gently until Julie hit his bed with the backs of her knees. She leaned back, gripping a hand in his shirt and pulling him along with her.
“You sure?” Tim whispered against her neck as she pulled his t-shirt over his head and reached for his belt buckle. “Billy and Mins are still watching TV.”
“Don’t care,” Julie said, shimmying out of her jeans while trying to maintain contact.
That was all the encouragement Tim needed - he knelt on the bed and kissed Julie again, running his hands up her sides and under her shirt, pulling it up and over her head.
She kissed him back and brought their bodies together with a fierce intensity she’d never shown him before, her eyes dark and serious, hands shaking. He could tell she was trying to make it better, to make amends and say she was sorry with actions to match her words.
Tim was unaccustomed to anyone making amends for the pain they inflicted. To him, it wasn’t necessary. But he let her, anyway. He let her.
After, they laid facing one another, sweat-drenched and panting. Julie was watching him closely, her eyes anxious. Tim reached out and brushed her hair away from her hot, flushed face, and he smiled at her. She smiled back, and looked away.
A yawn caught her by surprise, and she buried her face in the pillow trying to stifle it. "It's getting late. I should probably go."
"I guess," Tim replied. Julie stared silently at him for a long moment before she spoke again. He felt strangely calm under her scrutiny, and didn’t look away.
"I really am sorry," she said, edging closer to him. "I didn't mean to... I don't want to be the kind of person who makes you feel bad about yourself. You believe me, right?"
She watched him uneasily, her sleepy eyes still rimmed with red from her tears. How could he not believe her? He leaned in and pressed a kiss to her forehead.
"Quit apologising," he said. "I've got a thick skin."
Julie smiled at him, her expression indicating that she disagreed, but said nothing. She sat up and began gathering her clothes and slowly pulling them back on.
“You know what?” Tim asked, his tone casual as he watched her naked back disappear beneath her t-shirt. He wanted to go back to the easygoing thing they had before all this other stuff happened. Her reaction to their fight had been extreme, and he wanted to make sure she knew he wasn’t mad.
“What?” Julie replied, twisting to look back at him.
“You never answered me.”
“Answered you? About what?”
“About what you were wearing when I texted you.”
Julie snorted, and turned away. “I was naked, Tim. I started out in a tiny bikini when we left Houston, but it was too much. I was completely naked the whole ride home. It was just so hot,” she finished, turning and grinning at him, her face half-hidden by her long hair.
Tim grinned back, pleased that her mood had brightened. “So you really didn’t take any pictures, huh?”
She laughed, and Tim felt his heart jump, leaving a tight, breathless feeling in his chest. Judging by the amount of time Julie spent sulking and scowling, Tim guessed she had no idea how absolutely adorable she was when she was like this.
He watched her as she finished dressing, surprising him when she knelt on the bed and leaned in to kiss him once, sweetly and quickly, before slipping out of the room.
As he fell asleep that night, he wondered how he got lucky enough to be one of the few people to whom Julie showed her true colours, light and dark.
Chapter 12