it's not the money,'cause there's enough...
I think I'm tired of my life. There's nothing exciting about it anymore. I work full-time in retail even though everyone said "Go to university, then you can get a real job!" - Lies. Not that I looked too hard, I guess, but there's nothing that I want to do out there. There are no jobs that interest me. I'm sad that I had to graduate in 2010. If I had been ten, maybe just five years older, and gotten my shit together, you know what I could have done? I could have helped make a robot understand actual language. Seriously. I feel like I missed everything I wanted to do in life, because Watson exists and I had no part of it. But how to I get onto the team to make Watson's younger, more sophisticated brother? Because that would interest me. Like, a lot. And the first step? Get your fucking Master's, Lynsey.
I'm tired of my life, but I have no desire to change it, because it's simple. I know what I'm doing. I know what to expect. Sure, there are little things, but they just make ripples. No splash. I know how to handle things. I wish I had the courage to move on and do something, but I wouldn't know what I was doing. And I hate, more than anything, not knowing something. Or, I guess, knowing that I don't know something. It bothers me. I want all the information, layed out in front of me. Basically, I'm lazy. I'm not making excuses for it - I know I'm the one standing in my way, here. But I'm so afraid of the uncertainty. So, so afraid. And what if they turn me down? Or worse, what if they let me in and I just can't hack it? What if I actually fail at something - something I care about? What then? I live my life as a failure (yes, it may not seem like it but I am actually that hard on myself).
I want something I can depend on. I want someone I can depend on. I think I could be happy anywhere, doing anything, if I had someone who loved me. Someone to come home to. I love when the Boy comes around and stays for days; he's there to wake up to and greet me when I get home. It's harder to stay asleep because he takes over the damn bed, but in a lot of ways it's easier to fall asleep, because I'm not so afraid of the dark when someone else is there. But he's not that person for me. He never will be. And even though I've accepted that, it stings sometimes, because he treats me like he loves me - and I believe him when he says he does, but it's not the love I'm looking for. I just don't know where to find that love, you know?
I really depend on human interaction - it's clear, in the way I always want my roommates around. I always want someone there. That's what it boils down to. And I want someone to want me in the same way. And maybe I think I'll find them somewhere else. Maybe in Ireland, while I'm at school. But who knows? And if I don't go (to Ireland or anywhere), I can't be disappointed when it doesn't happen - just like I didn't meet someone in college, like my parents, or in high school, like Clint and Deb (Justin's parents - still together). I know it seems like an unhealty need - we're supposed to be able to rely on ourselves, to be happy with ourselves - but I'm just not wired that way. It's human, that need to be with others. Maybe not strict monogamy, but at least some semblance of it. A dependance on others, a want for society and company. That didn't happen by accident - and it may not be emotional or evolutionally valid anymore, but it's a very real need. It's hardwired into us, and definitely into me. And I know it's the reason I'm so unhappy. I know it's the reason I'm restless.
I don't have that person in my life. I may never have that person in my life. So I'm tired of my life.
-Lynsey
I'm tired of my life, but I have no desire to change it, because it's simple. I know what I'm doing. I know what to expect. Sure, there are little things, but they just make ripples. No splash. I know how to handle things. I wish I had the courage to move on and do something, but I wouldn't know what I was doing. And I hate, more than anything, not knowing something. Or, I guess, knowing that I don't know something. It bothers me. I want all the information, layed out in front of me. Basically, I'm lazy. I'm not making excuses for it - I know I'm the one standing in my way, here. But I'm so afraid of the uncertainty. So, so afraid. And what if they turn me down? Or worse, what if they let me in and I just can't hack it? What if I actually fail at something - something I care about? What then? I live my life as a failure (yes, it may not seem like it but I am actually that hard on myself).
I want something I can depend on. I want someone I can depend on. I think I could be happy anywhere, doing anything, if I had someone who loved me. Someone to come home to. I love when the Boy comes around and stays for days; he's there to wake up to and greet me when I get home. It's harder to stay asleep because he takes over the damn bed, but in a lot of ways it's easier to fall asleep, because I'm not so afraid of the dark when someone else is there. But he's not that person for me. He never will be. And even though I've accepted that, it stings sometimes, because he treats me like he loves me - and I believe him when he says he does, but it's not the love I'm looking for. I just don't know where to find that love, you know?
I really depend on human interaction - it's clear, in the way I always want my roommates around. I always want someone there. That's what it boils down to. And I want someone to want me in the same way. And maybe I think I'll find them somewhere else. Maybe in Ireland, while I'm at school. But who knows? And if I don't go (to Ireland or anywhere), I can't be disappointed when it doesn't happen - just like I didn't meet someone in college, like my parents, or in high school, like Clint and Deb (Justin's parents - still together). I know it seems like an unhealty need - we're supposed to be able to rely on ourselves, to be happy with ourselves - but I'm just not wired that way. It's human, that need to be with others. Maybe not strict monogamy, but at least some semblance of it. A dependance on others, a want for society and company. That didn't happen by accident - and it may not be emotional or evolutionally valid anymore, but it's a very real need. It's hardwired into us, and definitely into me. And I know it's the reason I'm so unhappy. I know it's the reason I'm restless.
I don't have that person in my life. I may never have that person in my life. So I'm tired of my life.
-Lynsey