A Grim Concern
I swore in my introduction I wouldn't let my life (and thereby my blog) become an emo-filled cliche, but I'd like to put this on the record, since I don't think I should keep this in my head.
I've been really depressed the last few days. Part of it was due to an epiphany on my own relationships, which was disapointing but acceptable. Then a chain of strange realizations came to me about my love life, especially as of late. I realized that I haven't felt like I loved anyone (either in true beyond-attraction attraction or, for another view, romantic love as opposed to lust) in a long time; like for many months.
Part of me feels that this is because I have been holding my feelings in for an even longer time; almost since the middle of last summer. I've been discussing my problems with friends, but I realized I always avoid the topic of my actual inner feelings. This led me to the true realization that I don't KNOW how I'm feeling. The only feeling I can target acurately (and entirely) is that this realization scares me.
My attempt at a diagnosis: My rapid-fire failure at romance in the last 2 years has caused me to doubt myself so heavily, and caused enough anguish that my immediate cure was to bury it down inside myself. This has become my new instinct for any feeling that I don't want to handle, and now I've become addicted to that method. Only problem is, now I realize that I'm waking up at night in tears and I DON'T KNOW WHY. My back and head and joints ache, and I know its not just the usual.
I'm writing this to have some kind of documentation. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I need to find a solution. I want to be happy.
I've been really depressed the last few days. Part of it was due to an epiphany on my own relationships, which was disapointing but acceptable. Then a chain of strange realizations came to me about my love life, especially as of late. I realized that I haven't felt like I loved anyone (either in true beyond-attraction attraction or, for another view, romantic love as opposed to lust) in a long time; like for many months.
Part of me feels that this is because I have been holding my feelings in for an even longer time; almost since the middle of last summer. I've been discussing my problems with friends, but I realized I always avoid the topic of my actual inner feelings. This led me to the true realization that I don't KNOW how I'm feeling. The only feeling I can target acurately (and entirely) is that this realization scares me.
My attempt at a diagnosis: My rapid-fire failure at romance in the last 2 years has caused me to doubt myself so heavily, and caused enough anguish that my immediate cure was to bury it down inside myself. This has become my new instinct for any feeling that I don't want to handle, and now I've become addicted to that method. Only problem is, now I realize that I'm waking up at night in tears and I DON'T KNOW WHY. My back and head and joints ache, and I know its not just the usual.
I'm writing this to have some kind of documentation. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I need to find a solution. I want to be happy.