[fic] Things change - Reita/Ruki/Reita - 2
Title: Things change
Chapters: 2/?
Author: limaccia_san
Beta: shadow_fictions is working on it.
Genre: angst, romance, fluff
Warnings: none
Rating: PG-13
Band: the GazettE
Pairing: Reita/Ruki/Reita
Disclaimer: Dun own them, blah blah blah..
Synopsis: “.. beside, you can apologize as much as you want but it’s not like I’m going to forget, much less forgive you, so don’t bother and let’s just get on with our lives.. as far from each other as we possibly can, ok?”
Comments: Sequel to >> Things change <<
Ruki brushed the tears away.
He spent the rest of the night sitting in the same spot on his kitchen floor, where he collapsed the following second Reita slammed his door shut. He refused to let other drops flow, he wasn’t worth a single of them, but it hurt anyway.
He had never felt like this before, not even when he confessed and the other rejected him, and he didn’t have a clue about how he’d deal with this now.
The only thing he wanted was to never see his face again, never hear his voice again, but damn no, of all people he had to fall in love with one of his band mates and as long as he didn’t want to fuck his dream up.. an Aoi’s, Uru’s and Kai’s too.. he was forced to face the man that broke him into pieces every fucking day.
He considered taking a break, just to give himself the time to forget, to wash away all the memories, all those things that now appeared so stupid, all his hopes, all those happy moments when it almost felt like Reita loved him back, when they were in each other embrace.. it was only a dream, a very cruel dream.. or maybe it was just him that was completely retarded and had hoped too much, to be loved, to have the man he loved, it was all just a fantasy.. but then again it’d not solve anything, a break. He knew it, it meant run away and probably never come back and he wasn’t that kind of person. Ruki was a fighter and as hard as it’d be he’d face reality and accept the fact that he’d never be loved back..
It wasn’t such a big deal, wasn’t it? Million of people faced heartbreaks, it’d get better eventually and he definitely wasn’t worth him ruining his future an his career.
He’d do it.. it’d be hard and painful and simple hell, but what were his alternatives? Pityfing himself wouldn’t bring him anywhere.
--------------------------------
“Hey guys” he greeted, mentally sighing in relief as he noticed the bassist was still missing.
“Oh my god, Matsumoto are you ok? You look like shit” Aoi’s concerned voice made him chuckle.
“Well, thank you for your tactfulness” he replied hitting the guitarist’s head, making the others snigger “Man, I had bad dreams all night and didn’t slept at all, I’m exhausted” he half lied, rubbing his eyes convincingly.
“Ooh poor baby had nightmares?” Uruha mocked him, ruffling his hair and earning a slap.
In that moment the last missing member entered the room, greeting everybody, eyes lingering for a moment on his vocalist who, refusing to show any weakness, looked right back at him, expression unreadable.
“Ok guys, time to start practice, I’m pretty tired too so let’s get some work done and then we’re off for the week end” said Kai.
They all nodded and walked toward their instruments, picking them up and busying themselves with wires and amps.
Ruki was setting his mic and gathering his lyrics sheets when he felt someone tug at his arm. He closed his eyes and gulped silently before turning to face Reita.
“Ruki, I..” he began, looking down
No more words were spoken and Ruki stared at the bassist with a sort of sadistic satisfaction as he saw him fidget under his eyes.. it felt kinda good to witness his discomfort:
“Suzuki do you have something to tell me? We’ve to get started here..”
Reita’s head instantly raised up, eyes wide, flinching at the other’s tone. He definitely didn’t expected this:
“Ah, it’s ok, we can talk later..”
He was about to turn and leave to get his bass, but the next word stopped him: “About?”
Reita looked straight in Ruki’s eyes this time, but again he’d not see anything there.. no emotions, no hurt, no rage, nothing..
“Are you playing dumb, now?” he asked irritated.
Ruki chuckled: “No, no, but we already said everything there was to say, right? We made everything clear yesterday, I don’t think there’s something else to add”
Reita was taken aback again but he didn’t give up: “Will you at least let me apologize for what I said?”
Ruki looked at him seriously, before shaking his head: “No need.. beside, you can apologize as much as you want but it’s not like I’m going to forget, much less forgive you, so don’t bother and let’s just get on with our lives.. as far from each other as we possibly can, ok?”
He gave an half smile to the other who just looked at him petrified.
He knew he screwed everything up, but of all the reactions Ruki chose the most hurtful one.. he knew he deserved it, but he kinda hoped there’d be a chance to fix it, that they’d at least try to be friends again.
Now he was lost, he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t expect it to hurt so much. He arrogantly rely upon Ruki’s feelings, knowing that he was so in love with him to fall right back in his arms if he showed regret and opened just a bit the door to let him in his heart.
He’d have knew better.
Ruki was much stronger and much less stupid that that.
His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Kai’s drumming and with a last glance at Ruki he went off, tails between his legs, to get in position.
Later, when Ruki came back home he felt even more exhausted. He had never felt this tired, not even after a long tour. It was like facing Reita drained all his energies away, but he was satisfied with the result: seeing Reita like that, all taken aback and.. hurt?
< Hurt.. yeah, as if.. he just care about himself, he’s just sad because he lose his toy.. he’ll get better soon >
He was pretty sure about that.
Reita used him for his own interest after all, without thinking about his feelings and how he’d be effected by his behaviour, selfish and opportunist.
Seeing that faint sparkle of hurt in his eyes gave him an indescribable pleasure. Knowing that he was feeling a thousandth of the hurt he provoked made him feel strong. It was cruel and probably immature, he knew it, but so was the things the other did.. and said to him.
--------------------------------
Reita fished his mobile out of his pocket: “Hello?”
“Rei? It’s Kai”
“Hey, what’s up?”
“I called to say that everything is set, we’ll leave in a couple of days”
Ok, he was confused: “… huh?”
Kai chuckled: “You know, you and me.. the new album.. in the USA.. have you forgot?”
The bassist face-palmed: “Oh my god Kai, it had totally slipped my mind, I’m sorry! Luckily I had everything prepared already”
“And they say I’m the forgetful one” Kai mocked him, making the both chuckle “Ah, someone from the stuff will give us a ride to the airport in the morning, so get everything ready in time.”
“Ok” he nodded.
“And don’t forget your head there” teased the other.
“Ah-ah very funny!”
“See ya Rei, have a good week end”
“You too Kai, bye!”
He hung up.
Damn, with all this happening he totally forgot about the trip.
Amonth in the States with Kai.. maybe that’s exactly what he needed right now.. no one else around, no band, no.. Ruki.
Since he got home he couldn’t help but think about their “conversation”. The way Ruki looked at him, with that emotionless eyes.. he didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know what he wanted: talk to him, ignore him, pretend anything happened between them.. the latter seemed the best, considering what he said.
But wasn’t it like give up? And then again give up on what, exactly? He didn’t love Ruki. He got pretty attached to him, but he didn’t know if it was genuine affection or he was just confused because of what happened.
Then again he was the one who always knocked at his door when he needed him. Oh man, he really was a jerk. All Ruki said was true, he had been so selfish.. how could he treat the other like this? He really deserved way more than a slap for what he said and now that he fucked everything up there wasn’t a way to fix this mess.
But what the hell, even if Ruki wouldn’t accept his apologies he still must listen to him, willingly or not!
He didn’t want to leave without talking to the vocalist first. At least he’d try to convince him to think about giving him another chance.
He took his keys and headed for the door.
--------------------------------
Ruki decided that he had to distract himself, all the thinking about the bassist was doing him no good, so he sprawled on his couch with a movie in the DVD player. He smiled when Koron trotted toward him, hopping on the sofa and settling himself on his belly. He scratched a bit his ears, earning affectionate laps on his fingers as he kept cuddling him during the movie.
This until someone knocked on his door.
Koron’s head raised at the sound, ears listening attentively. Ruki carefully put his pet on the couch and went at the door, opening it curiously.
What he saw made him flinch a bit:
“What are you doing here?”
“I want to talk to you”
“Good to know. Can I go back to my movie now?” he rolled his eyes, annoyed.
“Ruki, please, let me in” pleaded the bassist, putting a hand on the door to prevent Ruki from closing it.
“Reita, listen, I’m not really in the mood to fight, can you just leave me alone? We cleared everything already”
“No, we didn’t. Look, we won’t see each other for a bit, since I’m going with Kai to the States. Your desire is going to be fulfilled, I won’t be in your way for a whole month, but now please, listen to me, I can’t leave like this”
Fuck, he totally forgot about that.
“What, you’ll feel too guilty to enjoy your stay there? Ok then, I don’t want to be responsible for such a terrible thing. Come in and be quick”
Ruki let him in but didn’t move from his spot in the hallway. Reita understood that he wasn’t welcomed and considered himself lucky that the vocalist didn’t shut the door on his nose.
“I’m listening”
“Ruki, I know you don’t care but I really need to apologise. I’m sorry for what I said, it was cruel of me to hold your own feelings against you, I admit that I’ve been insensitive and selfish, coming to you just when I needed your comfort, without thinking that I was hurting you and I’m very sorry.. for.. everything..”
Reita’s eyes narrowed in confusion at the sound that interrupted his speech: Ruki was laughing
“Suzuki do you really think this is enough?”
“Wha..?”
“I was in love with you, for fuck’s sake! Do you even understand what is it like to be in love? I mean to truly love someone? And then be used by that someone and hear your feelings being thrown at your face by that person?” he hissed.
“But Ruki I’m telling you that I’m sorry, I’d not have done..”
“Yeah, you’d not! But you did it and now I don’t know what you’re trying to do here, with this adorable speech”
“…”
“I’ll ask you again Reita: what do you want from me?” he asked, crossing his arms and glaring at the other.
Reita gulped and licked his dry lips: “Can.. can we at least try to be friends again?”
Ruki felt the rage rising: “Honestly Reita I don’t think I can do that” < You broke my heart in million of fucking pieces and I can’t pretend this never happened. I lost a friend and my love all in one go > “..I just can’t. All I can offer to you now is to be civil co workers, for the good of the band”
Fuck. “I-I understand, but.. tell me at least you’ll think about it”
“Why do you care anyway? Last time I asked you didn’t want to be friends, nor something else” he burst out.
“I care about you Ruki, we were friends before all this mess”
“Before you kissed me, you mean? Before you used me as your plush toy? Want to know what I want for once?? You! Out of my fucking life!!” he yelled.
“Why are you so stubborn?? I know you are suffering about this..”
“You don’t know shit!! You don’t have any idea about how if feels like, so do us both a favour and get the fuck out, I’ve heard enough!”
Reita understood that he was pushing it too far: “Ok, ok, I’m off.. but I won’t give up on you”
“Whatever Suzuki, now go away” he sighed tiredly.
Ruki felt Reita’s eyes on him before he turned around and walked past that door.
He forced himself not to cry again.
Notes ♪ :
Guys thank you for all your awesome comments that made me want to turn the oneshot into a chaptered fic. Sorry it took me so long, but I wasn’t in the mood for writing lately. Chap 2 is ready, I’ll post it next week. Hope you enjoyed!
Oh and this is dedicated to kiki_ray91 :D
Chapters: 2/?
Author: limaccia_san
Beta: shadow_fictions is working on it.
Genre: angst, romance, fluff
Warnings: none
Rating: PG-13
Band: the GazettE
Pairing: Reita/Ruki/Reita
Disclaimer: Dun own them, blah blah blah..
Synopsis: “.. beside, you can apologize as much as you want but it’s not like I’m going to forget, much less forgive you, so don’t bother and let’s just get on with our lives.. as far from each other as we possibly can, ok?”
Comments: Sequel to >> Things change <<
Ruki brushed the tears away.
He spent the rest of the night sitting in the same spot on his kitchen floor, where he collapsed the following second Reita slammed his door shut. He refused to let other drops flow, he wasn’t worth a single of them, but it hurt anyway.
He had never felt like this before, not even when he confessed and the other rejected him, and he didn’t have a clue about how he’d deal with this now.
The only thing he wanted was to never see his face again, never hear his voice again, but damn no, of all people he had to fall in love with one of his band mates and as long as he didn’t want to fuck his dream up.. an Aoi’s, Uru’s and Kai’s too.. he was forced to face the man that broke him into pieces every fucking day.
He considered taking a break, just to give himself the time to forget, to wash away all the memories, all those things that now appeared so stupid, all his hopes, all those happy moments when it almost felt like Reita loved him back, when they were in each other embrace.. it was only a dream, a very cruel dream.. or maybe it was just him that was completely retarded and had hoped too much, to be loved, to have the man he loved, it was all just a fantasy.. but then again it’d not solve anything, a break. He knew it, it meant run away and probably never come back and he wasn’t that kind of person. Ruki was a fighter and as hard as it’d be he’d face reality and accept the fact that he’d never be loved back..
It wasn’t such a big deal, wasn’t it? Million of people faced heartbreaks, it’d get better eventually and he definitely wasn’t worth him ruining his future an his career.
He’d do it.. it’d be hard and painful and simple hell, but what were his alternatives? Pityfing himself wouldn’t bring him anywhere.
--------------------------------
“Hey guys” he greeted, mentally sighing in relief as he noticed the bassist was still missing.
“Oh my god, Matsumoto are you ok? You look like shit” Aoi’s concerned voice made him chuckle.
“Well, thank you for your tactfulness” he replied hitting the guitarist’s head, making the others snigger “Man, I had bad dreams all night and didn’t slept at all, I’m exhausted” he half lied, rubbing his eyes convincingly.
“Ooh poor baby had nightmares?” Uruha mocked him, ruffling his hair and earning a slap.
In that moment the last missing member entered the room, greeting everybody, eyes lingering for a moment on his vocalist who, refusing to show any weakness, looked right back at him, expression unreadable.
“Ok guys, time to start practice, I’m pretty tired too so let’s get some work done and then we’re off for the week end” said Kai.
They all nodded and walked toward their instruments, picking them up and busying themselves with wires and amps.
Ruki was setting his mic and gathering his lyrics sheets when he felt someone tug at his arm. He closed his eyes and gulped silently before turning to face Reita.
“Ruki, I..” he began, looking down
No more words were spoken and Ruki stared at the bassist with a sort of sadistic satisfaction as he saw him fidget under his eyes.. it felt kinda good to witness his discomfort:
“Suzuki do you have something to tell me? We’ve to get started here..”
Reita’s head instantly raised up, eyes wide, flinching at the other’s tone. He definitely didn’t expected this:
“Ah, it’s ok, we can talk later..”
He was about to turn and leave to get his bass, but the next word stopped him: “About?”
Reita looked straight in Ruki’s eyes this time, but again he’d not see anything there.. no emotions, no hurt, no rage, nothing..
“Are you playing dumb, now?” he asked irritated.
Ruki chuckled: “No, no, but we already said everything there was to say, right? We made everything clear yesterday, I don’t think there’s something else to add”
Reita was taken aback again but he didn’t give up: “Will you at least let me apologize for what I said?”
Ruki looked at him seriously, before shaking his head: “No need.. beside, you can apologize as much as you want but it’s not like I’m going to forget, much less forgive you, so don’t bother and let’s just get on with our lives.. as far from each other as we possibly can, ok?”
He gave an half smile to the other who just looked at him petrified.
He knew he screwed everything up, but of all the reactions Ruki chose the most hurtful one.. he knew he deserved it, but he kinda hoped there’d be a chance to fix it, that they’d at least try to be friends again.
Now he was lost, he didn’t know what to do. He didn’t expect it to hurt so much. He arrogantly rely upon Ruki’s feelings, knowing that he was so in love with him to fall right back in his arms if he showed regret and opened just a bit the door to let him in his heart.
He’d have knew better.
Ruki was much stronger and much less stupid that that.
His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of Kai’s drumming and with a last glance at Ruki he went off, tails between his legs, to get in position.
Later, when Ruki came back home he felt even more exhausted. He had never felt this tired, not even after a long tour. It was like facing Reita drained all his energies away, but he was satisfied with the result: seeing Reita like that, all taken aback and.. hurt?
< Hurt.. yeah, as if.. he just care about himself, he’s just sad because he lose his toy.. he’ll get better soon >
He was pretty sure about that.
Reita used him for his own interest after all, without thinking about his feelings and how he’d be effected by his behaviour, selfish and opportunist.
Seeing that faint sparkle of hurt in his eyes gave him an indescribable pleasure. Knowing that he was feeling a thousandth of the hurt he provoked made him feel strong. It was cruel and probably immature, he knew it, but so was the things the other did.. and said to him.
--------------------------------
Reita fished his mobile out of his pocket: “Hello?”
“Rei? It’s Kai”
“Hey, what’s up?”
“I called to say that everything is set, we’ll leave in a couple of days”
Ok, he was confused: “… huh?”
Kai chuckled: “You know, you and me.. the new album.. in the USA.. have you forgot?”
The bassist face-palmed: “Oh my god Kai, it had totally slipped my mind, I’m sorry! Luckily I had everything prepared already”
“And they say I’m the forgetful one” Kai mocked him, making the both chuckle “Ah, someone from the stuff will give us a ride to the airport in the morning, so get everything ready in time.”
“Ok” he nodded.
“And don’t forget your head there” teased the other.
“Ah-ah very funny!”
“See ya Rei, have a good week end”
“You too Kai, bye!”
He hung up.
Damn, with all this happening he totally forgot about the trip.
Amonth in the States with Kai.. maybe that’s exactly what he needed right now.. no one else around, no band, no.. Ruki.
Since he got home he couldn’t help but think about their “conversation”. The way Ruki looked at him, with that emotionless eyes.. he didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know what he wanted: talk to him, ignore him, pretend anything happened between them.. the latter seemed the best, considering what he said.
But wasn’t it like give up? And then again give up on what, exactly? He didn’t love Ruki. He got pretty attached to him, but he didn’t know if it was genuine affection or he was just confused because of what happened.
Then again he was the one who always knocked at his door when he needed him. Oh man, he really was a jerk. All Ruki said was true, he had been so selfish.. how could he treat the other like this? He really deserved way more than a slap for what he said and now that he fucked everything up there wasn’t a way to fix this mess.
But what the hell, even if Ruki wouldn’t accept his apologies he still must listen to him, willingly or not!
He didn’t want to leave without talking to the vocalist first. At least he’d try to convince him to think about giving him another chance.
He took his keys and headed for the door.
--------------------------------
Ruki decided that he had to distract himself, all the thinking about the bassist was doing him no good, so he sprawled on his couch with a movie in the DVD player. He smiled when Koron trotted toward him, hopping on the sofa and settling himself on his belly. He scratched a bit his ears, earning affectionate laps on his fingers as he kept cuddling him during the movie.
This until someone knocked on his door.
Koron’s head raised at the sound, ears listening attentively. Ruki carefully put his pet on the couch and went at the door, opening it curiously.
What he saw made him flinch a bit:
“What are you doing here?”
“I want to talk to you”
“Good to know. Can I go back to my movie now?” he rolled his eyes, annoyed.
“Ruki, please, let me in” pleaded the bassist, putting a hand on the door to prevent Ruki from closing it.
“Reita, listen, I’m not really in the mood to fight, can you just leave me alone? We cleared everything already”
“No, we didn’t. Look, we won’t see each other for a bit, since I’m going with Kai to the States. Your desire is going to be fulfilled, I won’t be in your way for a whole month, but now please, listen to me, I can’t leave like this”
Fuck, he totally forgot about that.
“What, you’ll feel too guilty to enjoy your stay there? Ok then, I don’t want to be responsible for such a terrible thing. Come in and be quick”
Ruki let him in but didn’t move from his spot in the hallway. Reita understood that he wasn’t welcomed and considered himself lucky that the vocalist didn’t shut the door on his nose.
“I’m listening”
“Ruki, I know you don’t care but I really need to apologise. I’m sorry for what I said, it was cruel of me to hold your own feelings against you, I admit that I’ve been insensitive and selfish, coming to you just when I needed your comfort, without thinking that I was hurting you and I’m very sorry.. for.. everything..”
Reita’s eyes narrowed in confusion at the sound that interrupted his speech: Ruki was laughing
“Suzuki do you really think this is enough?”
“Wha..?”
“I was in love with you, for fuck’s sake! Do you even understand what is it like to be in love? I mean to truly love someone? And then be used by that someone and hear your feelings being thrown at your face by that person?” he hissed.
“But Ruki I’m telling you that I’m sorry, I’d not have done..”
“Yeah, you’d not! But you did it and now I don’t know what you’re trying to do here, with this adorable speech”
“…”
“I’ll ask you again Reita: what do you want from me?” he asked, crossing his arms and glaring at the other.
Reita gulped and licked his dry lips: “Can.. can we at least try to be friends again?”
Ruki felt the rage rising: “Honestly Reita I don’t think I can do that” < You broke my heart in million of fucking pieces and I can’t pretend this never happened. I lost a friend and my love all in one go > “..I just can’t. All I can offer to you now is to be civil co workers, for the good of the band”
Fuck. “I-I understand, but.. tell me at least you’ll think about it”
“Why do you care anyway? Last time I asked you didn’t want to be friends, nor something else” he burst out.
“I care about you Ruki, we were friends before all this mess”
“Before you kissed me, you mean? Before you used me as your plush toy? Want to know what I want for once?? You! Out of my fucking life!!” he yelled.
“Why are you so stubborn?? I know you are suffering about this..”
“You don’t know shit!! You don’t have any idea about how if feels like, so do us both a favour and get the fuck out, I’ve heard enough!”
Reita understood that he was pushing it too far: “Ok, ok, I’m off.. but I won’t give up on you”
“Whatever Suzuki, now go away” he sighed tiredly.
Ruki felt Reita’s eyes on him before he turned around and walked past that door.
He forced himself not to cry again.
Notes ♪ :
Guys thank you for all your awesome comments that made me want to turn the oneshot into a chaptered fic. Sorry it took me so long, but I wasn’t in the mood for writing lately. Chap 2 is ready, I’ll post it next week. Hope you enjoyed!
Oh and this is dedicated to kiki_ray91 :D