(no subject)
anyone who knows me knows that i like my wine. my love of it developed in my later years at QU and i spent the majority of my senior year with at least one bottle of some kind residing in the fridge and keeping me company on my long nights spent awake with books. it's been a good friend and companion, and always cheers me up at the end of a long day. and after the incredibly busy week i've had that is now carrying over into two weeks of non-stop busyness, i have been craving the taste of white zin for days. so tonight when i got to my grandmother's, what should greet me in the fridge but a rather full bottle of Sutter Home left over from her bridge night the other night. so of course i poured myself a glass and settled in front of the tv, history book in hand. after two tv shows and constant checks on the Sox game, (which they won!) i decided to check my e-mail and call it a night. so on a whim i decided to check facebook one last time, and i see in my list of recent events a group of new photos Zach posted from his trip out to see his sister. he looks happy, he looks good, he looks very cute, and i immediately went from happy wine-high to crashing to the floor, just because alcohol can do that. it's a fight to hold back the silly tears that i really shouldn't be crying but after three weeks of pretending everything is all hunky dory, i just can't do it anymore. i miss him. really bad. and i somehow get the feeling that he doesn't miss me that much, or he's trying very hard to make it so that he won't. i wrote on his wall on facebook a few days ago and never got a response, we haven't spoken since he called me to tell me he made it to California ok, but i think a lot of that has to do with the fact that i'm never online anymore because i'm too busy. i just feel like he's moving on with everything and i'm stuck in a rut i can't get out of.
i know everyone must be completely and utterly sick of hearing me talk about him by now. i can hear you all saying "just get over him already" and i really should. i really need to move on with my life and focus on getting through this summer with class and work and all that shit. but when there's very little else up here to think about, my thoughts continually turn to him. it's like when you're a kid and someone says "don't touch that" and it automatically focuses all your attention on the fact that you want nothing more than to touch the object your forbidden to touch. i shouldn't be thinking about Zach because he's thousands of miles away, he's going to be gone for a year, he's untouchable. yet i can't stop. my mind and my soul won't let me get away. everything reminds me of him, the tv, the radio, listening to other people talk. it's like he's burned into my mind and no amount of mental flushing will make it go away. i can try to overload my mind with everything else and it doesn't work. i've been working insane hours at the service, i have classes all day tomorrow from 8am-9pm and all kinds of homework and such, but it doesn't work. nothing helps.
i'd say i was hormonal or PMSing but i'm not. i'm upset, i'm slightly intoxicated, and i'm depressed. there's no way around it. the wine brought out the demons i don't want to face. they've been thrown out in front of me, where i can't ignore them, and they're taunting me. i want so badly to get on with my life. to be completely happy again, worry free, but for some reason i can't. his memory is holding me back. i think because this wasn't a clean break for me i just can't let go. i have no reason to be angry with him, to hate him or wish to never see him again like i do with pretty much all of my exes. so i think that's why i'm having such a hard time letting go. i'd say i need a new man to get my mind off things but right now i want nothing to do with relationships. i just need time to be myself and get over this. i just hope for my sake and the sake of my sanity that happens soon. i don't know how much more of this emotional rollercoaster i can take.
i need to go cry for a while.
*A*
i know everyone must be completely and utterly sick of hearing me talk about him by now. i can hear you all saying "just get over him already" and i really should. i really need to move on with my life and focus on getting through this summer with class and work and all that shit. but when there's very little else up here to think about, my thoughts continually turn to him. it's like when you're a kid and someone says "don't touch that" and it automatically focuses all your attention on the fact that you want nothing more than to touch the object your forbidden to touch. i shouldn't be thinking about Zach because he's thousands of miles away, he's going to be gone for a year, he's untouchable. yet i can't stop. my mind and my soul won't let me get away. everything reminds me of him, the tv, the radio, listening to other people talk. it's like he's burned into my mind and no amount of mental flushing will make it go away. i can try to overload my mind with everything else and it doesn't work. i've been working insane hours at the service, i have classes all day tomorrow from 8am-9pm and all kinds of homework and such, but it doesn't work. nothing helps.
i'd say i was hormonal or PMSing but i'm not. i'm upset, i'm slightly intoxicated, and i'm depressed. there's no way around it. the wine brought out the demons i don't want to face. they've been thrown out in front of me, where i can't ignore them, and they're taunting me. i want so badly to get on with my life. to be completely happy again, worry free, but for some reason i can't. his memory is holding me back. i think because this wasn't a clean break for me i just can't let go. i have no reason to be angry with him, to hate him or wish to never see him again like i do with pretty much all of my exes. so i think that's why i'm having such a hard time letting go. i'd say i need a new man to get my mind off things but right now i want nothing to do with relationships. i just need time to be myself and get over this. i just hope for my sake and the sake of my sanity that happens soon. i don't know how much more of this emotional rollercoaster i can take.
i need to go cry for a while.
*A*