(no subject)
up until 20 minutes ago, my mood was gloomy but good. now its just hit rock bottom and i cant breathe. theyre keeping my dad hospitalized overnight because...i dont know why. my mom wont tell me all the details. all i know is that he wasnt feeling good for a bit and instead of doing chemo today they flushed out his system. and now he has to stay there. i dont know if they're letting him out tomorrow or what. i dont know anything anymore. i feel dead. i feel afraid. i feel alone even though i know i have people that care. this is killing me and i dont know how to stop it. i need to get away from here. far far away, but i cant leave them. i'm tired of crying. the worst thing is waiting for the most painful day of your life: when your father dies. i know its coming, i just dont know when...and that makes me want to slit my wrists and not care anymore. yesterday i had to research funeral and burial insurances, cuz we cant even afford to bury him. but i have things to live for...things and people, myself included. i just need to understand that.