Oh, subconscious, I'm on to you...
I made this today. Isn't it pretty?
Here follows some introspection about how I'm about to be forced another step closer to the real world, and how my crazy obsessive mind has chosen to deal with it.
The more I think about the Bones finale, the more I, personally, am fine with it. Storywise, I'm not too concerned about next year. Yes, the dynamic of the group will be different; it will never be the same again. Yes, they're breaking up the lab family. But the more I think about it, the more I kind of like the idea that Brennan now finally has her real family back, all together, and her lab family falls apart. So now she has to try to fix that horrible facet of her life, that abandonment and betrayal. They're still family though, and this could end up bringing everyone a little closer. Plus, Cam finally fits in, and Zack will probably be back periodically, and I feel more or less confident after the strong fan reaction that the writers realize they will have some 'splainin' to do, and do it. They've confirmed that they were going to give Zack post-traumatic stress from Iraq, and I think that was going to lead to the Gormogon thing, but because of the strike they had to cut down that middle step. The people who have thought about it have made the connection, it just needs to be explicitly stated on the show. The rational people have started to come out of the woodwork and say everything I said in my last post and then some, which makes me happy.
But now I compulsively check my
storydice friends page for what they're saying now, what rage is being unleashed, and I always click with a feeling of dread, but I always look. There are still fans who are really pissed, the cast of the show is upset-- or was when they found out-- which is completely understandable, as they did sort of let Eric Millegan go in a shitty way, and they're a very close cast. It makes me worried about potential trouble between cast and writers, that things will sort of go sour that end. Though I also kind of feel that now they've had some time to think about it, just like we have, and are probably more or less okay. I hope. And I'm worried that enough people will be upset and/or stop watching the show to cause the critical notice and acclaim it's recently gotten to tank, or even put it back on the bubble. I know this isn't very likely, but still. It's not a fun time to be a Bones fan, and here's me, just getting into the actual fandom, and it's like I can't relax and be happy until it seems like everybody's happy. Which is never going to happen. It's irrational.
It's a TV show. And yet I just sort of walk around feeling melancholy.
Then, this morning, I started to realize... the times when that melancholy feeling goes away are when I'm with my friends. That's when I stop thinking about it, stop worrying, and have a much more positive outlook. And then a couple of times I've caught myself thinking, "The sad thing is, this has changed everything. It's just that I feel like an era is over and we're looming over uncharted territory, and we don't know what's going to happen-- it would be so much easier if I just knew already that everything was going to be okay-- and we can't go back to that innocent period before. Kind of like with graduation, when I'll be gone and I'll never be able to come back." Oh. "And, it's like... the lab family's breaking up, which works storywise, but it's still so sad... They weren't even thinking of that at Christmas, that it was their last Christmas... Will they ever all be together again? I don't know. Just like I don't know if I'll ever be together will all my friends again. My friends... who have become like my family... in this place... which has become like my home." OH. "And they'll have to bring in all new people, an endless rotation of students, and there's no guarantee that any of them will fit, just like I don't know how I'll fit with the people at UIUC, and anyway, the group will be different. Zack won't be there in person." Yeah. In a phrase I've picked up recently from
cleolinda, OH, I SEE WHAT U DID THAR.
I graduate on Saturday. Hanover has been my home, my place where I belong, my idyllic bubble. I remember, the first time I rode in through scenic, I thought, Oh, my God, it's Ithilien! And I got out of the car and started walking around and immediately felt at home here. I know from high school that I'm not really going to miss the majority of people here-- my acquaintances and such. But the people who are really my friends, who I really know-- people like Whitney and Bethany and
celtic_songster and Tiffany and the Battleses-- I am going to miss them so much. I'm going to miss this place so much. I know that I'll keep in touch with the above people via phone and email and visits, but I'm not going to be here. It will be different. And the people I don't know that well but I like, and the campus, I'm having to say goodbye now. I hate it.
I've never handled change well. It's the uncertainty, mostly. In between high school and college I had a series of stress-related health issues. Now, apparently, I'm avoiding confronting my graduation and the real source of my angsty feelings by shoving them off on the Bones finale. I've always seen a bit of myself in Brennan, so why not? I don't really know what to do about this. With both the show and my future, it's simply a "wait and see" scenario. Like the show, I know that my life is probalby going to turn out fine. I know I probably have the wherewithal to make it. I know that freaking out isn't really logical, but still. It's what I have a history of doing.
So, if I seem too involved in really, really wanting everybody to be cool with the show and for the show itself to turn out all right... that's why. It's all symbolic and stuff.