Hello? Anyone there?
What kinda cracks me up about this journal is I feel like it is for the first time ever just MY own. I am the only one reading it and no one else. Cause really this website went the way of the dodo a long time ago. It was passed over for other social media platforms. But to me this one is still the most genuine. It’s where you can be more real. Mainly cause no one is looking.
It seems I can say whatever I want and it’s just for my eyes only. Even with it not on private. Though I guess it’s possible there is lurkers out there I doubt it. Who the hell cares enough to spy on me and my idiotic ramblings.
So yeah I haven’t written here in a few months. Life just gets in the way. But maybe since I feel alone here I will talk more. Throw my thoughts to the wind and let the universe carry them away.
I have been on an odd path lately of digging through my old life and trying to find me. Under the masking of my autism. Under the trauma of just living life. Under the heartache of more than enough failed relationships. And also the hurt of losing some good friends over the years.
It’s not been easy and it’s only just begun. I have to face some things I have put off. I need to find the closure for things left unsaid.
I feel one of my biggest things is the first. When did I start masking so heavily I no longer was me?
To me it seems I was “me” during my high school and college days. Sure I masked in most social settings and at work. But it was to a lesser degree or just enough to kinda fit in but still be seen as sensitive and quirky.
I feel like my move back to TN was the nail in the coffin. I lost me then as I did so much then that wasn’t for my own self but what I thought was expected of me. Sure my relationship with Aric needed to come to a close but I think what I told myself at the time was the reason wasn’t real. I don’t think it had to do with family and needing to move home. It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t my fault. I just think even though I did truly love him, that sometimes love isn’t enough. Our lives just seemed to be sending us on separate paths and at the end of the day it wasn’t the best for us both.
I think I lied to myself for a long time about it and about the fact I was okay with it. I went numb. I claimed that was due to other reasons but it was just I wouldn’t do the shadow work to admit to myself I had broke my own heart.
So then the masking began. If I just became someone else fully it would get better right?
And in some ways it did. I emotionally moved forward though only after two failed marriages. But I was still not me. I’ve been working on finding that naive girl under all this mess for years now. Discovering I was autistic and ADHd has helped with that journey. It makes everything so much clearer.
But it also complicates it all. Cause what in my life was real? What was me? What was the autism causing me to mask?
And add in the fact autistic people apparently will experience Limerence more often than love and it just gets complicated.
So I just learned about that and man it explains so many of my relationships. I was fascinated by the thought of them and the longing of them. Not actually love them.
I think I can say Aric, Mike, and Alex are the only ones I truly loved.
Mike was a disaster. Aric was good. I have never been more comfortable with another human ever as I was with him. But emotionally it was hard. My sensitivity and empathy drove me and him crazy I fear. And then just life goals really seemed to be different. He was religious and I’m just a feral pagan.
Alex is the most stable and kind person I’ve been with. He gets me and accepts me as I am. Even if that is a total mess who can’t keep it together as I unmask.
It seems I can say whatever I want and it’s just for my eyes only. Even with it not on private. Though I guess it’s possible there is lurkers out there I doubt it. Who the hell cares enough to spy on me and my idiotic ramblings.
So yeah I haven’t written here in a few months. Life just gets in the way. But maybe since I feel alone here I will talk more. Throw my thoughts to the wind and let the universe carry them away.
I have been on an odd path lately of digging through my old life and trying to find me. Under the masking of my autism. Under the trauma of just living life. Under the heartache of more than enough failed relationships. And also the hurt of losing some good friends over the years.
It’s not been easy and it’s only just begun. I have to face some things I have put off. I need to find the closure for things left unsaid.
I feel one of my biggest things is the first. When did I start masking so heavily I no longer was me?
To me it seems I was “me” during my high school and college days. Sure I masked in most social settings and at work. But it was to a lesser degree or just enough to kinda fit in but still be seen as sensitive and quirky.
I feel like my move back to TN was the nail in the coffin. I lost me then as I did so much then that wasn’t for my own self but what I thought was expected of me. Sure my relationship with Aric needed to come to a close but I think what I told myself at the time was the reason wasn’t real. I don’t think it had to do with family and needing to move home. It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t my fault. I just think even though I did truly love him, that sometimes love isn’t enough. Our lives just seemed to be sending us on separate paths and at the end of the day it wasn’t the best for us both.
I think I lied to myself for a long time about it and about the fact I was okay with it. I went numb. I claimed that was due to other reasons but it was just I wouldn’t do the shadow work to admit to myself I had broke my own heart.
So then the masking began. If I just became someone else fully it would get better right?
And in some ways it did. I emotionally moved forward though only after two failed marriages. But I was still not me. I’ve been working on finding that naive girl under all this mess for years now. Discovering I was autistic and ADHd has helped with that journey. It makes everything so much clearer.
But it also complicates it all. Cause what in my life was real? What was me? What was the autism causing me to mask?
And add in the fact autistic people apparently will experience Limerence more often than love and it just gets complicated.
So I just learned about that and man it explains so many of my relationships. I was fascinated by the thought of them and the longing of them. Not actually love them.
I think I can say Aric, Mike, and Alex are the only ones I truly loved.
Mike was a disaster. Aric was good. I have never been more comfortable with another human ever as I was with him. But emotionally it was hard. My sensitivity and empathy drove me and him crazy I fear. And then just life goals really seemed to be different. He was religious and I’m just a feral pagan.
Alex is the most stable and kind person I’ve been with. He gets me and accepts me as I am. Even if that is a total mess who can’t keep it together as I unmask.