(no subject)
ive been wanting to post for a few days now. but my thoughts have been so bipolar i havent known what to write. sometimes im okay with this. sometimes im mad. sometimes im beyond hurt. i didnt cry yesterday. and i didnt cry today. tomorrow might be hard or i may have the time of my life. ill let you know in 24 hours.
for a long time i kept remembering all the broken promises. all the times you told me you loved me. back when you said you would be damned if you ever lost me because you were too lazy to make an effort. back when you said you loved me more than ever. i thought you were the one. i meant to ask you if you ever thought that. theres a lot i have left to ask you. but i dont want to. i dont want you to think im needy to cant let go. bc i can. well im trying atleast. and if we form a friendship after this i dont want it to be based on you dumping me and why. and ive started to realize that no matter how many times i think about how you either lied or changed your mind, it wont change anything. it would be stupid to remind you of all those things. it doesnt matter that you said that then. what you say now is what matters. i wouldnt want to guilt trip you into anything. and i cant convince you that you made a mistake. because maybe this isnt a mistake. you messed up by throwing something beautiful away before we ever lost it. and now because of that decision you made it is gone. maybe it will come back. maybe it wont. we will find out later.
for a while i wasnt sure if i wanted to be friends with you. and that was hard because ive never been the one to say goodbye to people. i always want to keep everyone with me. and i cant admit that some people are only supposed to be in your life for a certain about of time. but i think ill be okay. yes you hurt me. but i can get over that. but it would help if you apologized. and maybe felt bad for this. sadly, i think id rather be hurt than hurt someone. because when i hurt someone it hurts me so much. and i guess this way its better that only one person is hurt.
maybe you arent bad at relationships. perhaps you just havent found the person thats worth being "good at relationships" for. that hurts me to say that. but it might be true.
i dont regret anything. i dont regret letting myself get so close to you. because its the only way to fall in love. you have to give it 100%. but i should have realized that you werent giving it that. i jumped off the deep end. you did too but you left your floaties on. i took mine off. but thats why we have friends. friends are amazing. they allow you to be stupid and follow you heart and let it get broken. because they pick up the pieces for you. and thank you so much for that.